Hi ReuleauxMan,
Thank you for opening up with such vulnerability and depth. Your story is powerful, and your heart for Jesus—even after all the emotional injury you’ve endured—is deeply moving. The fact that you’re actively seeking healing, not just for yourself but with a desire to avoid bitterness and even wish repentance for your abusers, shows a maturity and humility that only comes from walking closely with God.
You asked some incredibly deep questions, and I’d like to humbly offer a few thoughts and encouragements:
1. Forgiveness Without Closure
Yes, it
is possible to forgive those you may never see again. Forgiveness isn’t about saying “what happened was okay.” It’s about saying
I will not carry this weight anymore—I trust God with the justice. Turning them and their offense over to Jesus is not just valid, it’s powerful. Jesus knows injustice intimately, and He is a faithful High Priest who sympathizes with our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15). You may never get the apology, but you can still hand the pain over to the One who sees it all.
2. Forgiveness ≠ Reconciliation
Your instincts are right—some people are unsafe. Forgiveness doesn’t mean opening yourself up to further abuse. It simply means you’re no longer letting them live rent-free in your head or heart. Like you said, forgive, but don’t forget in the sense of discernment. The Apostle Paul fled cities when things got dangerous, and Jesus
did walk away at times (John 8:59). It’s okay to walk away too.
3. About Bitterness and C-PTSD
Bitterness is sneaky—it often feels like strength, like protection. But over time, it becomes a weight. And for someone like you, who has autism and C-PTSD, I want to affirm that your nervous system is not your fault. You freeze not because you are weak but because your body is protecting itself the only way it knows how. This isn’t moral failure—it’s injury. Be gentle with yourself.
One practical tool: when a bitter or resentful thought arises, pause and
name it. “This is bitterness rising. Lord, I give it to You again.” You may have to do this 100 times a day at first, but every time is a victory. Forgiveness is often a process, not a one-time event.
4. Learning to Respond Instead of Freeze
This takes time, practice, and grace. One small suggestion: rehearse loving but firm responses in advance. Even something like:
“That wasn’t kind. I hope everything’s okay with you.”
Or,
“I’d rather not be spoken to like that.”
You're not being cruel or confrontational—you're setting a boundary, which is healthy and Christlike. Even Jesus said, “If I have spoken wrongly, testify to the wrong; but if rightly, why do you strike Me?” (John 18:23). That wasn’t passivity; it was controlled strength.
Also, try role-playing or journaling hypothetical situations. It might sound small, but preemptively preparing a response can lower the freeze instinct over time.
5. Bitterness Toward the Broken World
You mentioned rage at how trauma ruins people and how some turn away from God forever. That righteous anger is understandable. But remember, Jesus, too, wept over Jerusalem. He was heartbroken, not bitter. You’re in good company when you grieve evil.
Turn that passion into compassion, and keep praying for those still in darkness. Your story, even the painful chapters, may become part of their rescue someday.
You are already becoming “wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove” by asking these questions. The bitter roots may still have tips in your heart, but the soil around them has been made soft by Christ’s love and your willingness to be transformed.
Keep praying. Keep surrendering. Keep forgiving as often as it takes. This is sanctification, and Jesus is walking right beside you the whole way.
May His peace guard your heart and mind (Philippians 4:7),
– A brother in Christ ✝
Hope this helps you.
