5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
7 For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord.
8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways
These verses sound like you tbh. Your focusing way to much on salvation, instead of the root problem which sounds like double-mindedness, which is stopping you from moving forward.
Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.
Yes you will have to lose your life, it's something your going to have to decide to let go of. It seems your stuck on the fence with this.