Struggling

[marri]

*deep breath*

I am a survivor of abuse and have been working on my healing for the last 3 years. My husband is one of the pastors at our church.

For the last few months I have really been struggling to go to church, to face the people and be all happy and together and the 'super- christian' that is expected. There is nobody there that I can say how much I am struggling with trusting God. Most of my abuse was carried out by people who told me they did it in Jesus' name or that it was Jesus himself doing it. I am working through this and I know it was lies but the deep affects and memories take over at times and I get confused and scared about Jesus.

I am hoping I havent said the wrong thing here I just wanted somewhere I can honestly say how I am going. I want to believe, I pray for Jesus to help me, I thank him for saving me yet at the same time my head is full of fear - thoughts of trust no one, questions like - how can i believe that - what if this is lies too?

I apologise for rambling around in this - feeling nervous.
Marri

 

[Pilgrim1951]

Precious child. My heart aches for you. That our Lord and His name would be used to hurt a young girl, makes me so angry. It is very understandable that you don't feel you can trust. I'm wondering what kind of atmosphere is in your current church in which there would be no one with whom you feel you can talk honestly about your struggles. That's why this forum is so important. All of us who are wounded and need the understanding and love of our brothers and sisters in Christ can come here and open up about things we cannot share anywhere else. I am praying for you to have a clear vision of Jesus's true loving character. Pure love, not defiled as those in the past tried to tell you. It was their twisted kind of love, and their evil lies which set out to betray you. Jesus will never betray you. I am praying for you and I want to tell you that God loves you very much. I am asking Him to show you His perfect love.

 

[PromiseSeeker]

Praying for you Marri.

 

[Imani]

Marri i understand. alot of mine was done "in Jesus name" or by "Jesus" too... I struggle badly with knowing the truth about God and who Jesus is and not being able to believe He can be trustted and wont hurt me. im sorry i dont know how to word it properly. but i understand.

sara

 

[marri]

Sara
I am very sorry that you understand, that you were also hurt in this way and that you know these strugg;es to believe. I will be praying for you.
Marri

 

[marri]

Thankyou for your prayers Pilgrim 1951 and Promise Seeker. I want to keep holding on and trusting as I can - some days though it just feels like it would be eaasier to walk away from everything that is my life.
Marri

 

[Truly Blessed]

Hi marri ;

Yes, it is sick and twisted that people would use Jesus as a means to justify their sick behavior. I also had a hard time trusting God. After all, if God loved me why would he allow this to happen to me? Well God does love me and He loves you also. Unfortunately, I have found a lot of Christians just dont understand or get the deep emotional hurt. Some many have had an innocent life and cant grasp the significants of trying to trust God - Jesus again or for the first time.

Dear marri dont walk away from your life it doesn't work - I know - I have tried everything http://www.christianforums.com/t1481193-effected-every-pore-of-my-being.html. The hole only gets deeper with more problems.

One of the churchs I have attended (moved around a lot - U.S. Army) the Ministers wife was not an active participant within the Church structure but an active member of the Church - a student not a leader if you get what I mean. At first I was shocked; But why should I, Isn't the wife able to do just what she wants to do or lead to do? I think YES!

Peace to you; And may this

give you a big hug.

 

[mesue]

marri

People do a lot of stupid, mean and hurtful things in the name of Jesus. Look at the crusades.
Don't listen to man, listen to God. Read His word. God doesn't lie, where man will. God's love is unconditional, where man's is conditional.
And know that your feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are.
I'm praying for you