Please help me I'm having trouble with my faith and I need to speak to other Christians that don't know me personally. Talking to people at my church has been very valuable for me, but I need some objective support too.
My beloved twin brother John finally lost his battle with cancer in October 2002. He was diagnosed with an astrocytoma (a type of brain tumour) in March 2000 but after successful surgery and some radiotherapy he went into remission. Another, more aggressive tumour, was diagnosed in June 2001 but this time the surgery resulted in brain damage leaving John with partial paralysis down his right side, speech problems and poor memory. After months of treatment the cancer spread to his spinal cord and his condition was pronounced terminal in April 2002.
In the last few months of John's life, he deteriorated so rapidly and it made me feel so helpless because I couldn't stop what was happening to him. Also, despite the fact that I quit my music course and took on a flexible part-time job so I could look after him at home, I desperately wanted to be able to do more for him. It was a very tough time. However, our faith helped us both during this difficult time. John was not scared of death and I was not scared for him, as we both knew he would be looked after when he left this world.
For the last week or so before John died, he didn't even know who I was and he couldn't speak or move. I prayed and prayed for him and it gave me so much comfort. I was holding him in my arms when he passed away and it was a highly spiritual moment for me, it was as if I could feel him leaving his body but I knew he was at peace and it felt like he was still in the room. It was a more spiritual experience than I could ever describe in words.
Although my brother's illness was tough, my faith helped me through it and it is only following his death that I have had problems. I developed anorexia because I was too depressed to eat and I couldn't sleep because I kept having dreams of seeing him walking ahead of me and not being able to catch up. I then started self-harming because it made me feel in control of my pain... you can take painkillers for a headache or put a plaster on a cut, but there's no such remedy for the pain of grief. When John was dying I was convinced that God would take my hand to lead me through this pain, and that my faith would help me deal with what was going to happen. My problem is that this hasn't happened.
After several months in psychiatric care I was able to pick up my course where I left off and tried desperately to get on with my life. The problem is that it just hurts so much. After our parents died, John and I became even closer than ever before. He was not only my brother, he was also my soul mate and my guardian angel and the best friend anybody could ever wish for... I'm starting to cry while I'm writing this... Every time I think about him it's like a wound is being opened up. He was also a major part of my identity because we were adopted and he was the only birth relative I know of. His death has left a massive hole inside me and I don't think it will ever be filled, it was the special place in my heart and mind that only he could occupy.
Every day is a struggle now - on a practical and an emotional level, that goes without saying, but also I regret to say on a spiritual level. I love God as much as I have ever done but I also find myself questioning my faith every single day. I am constantly bombarded with contradictions between my faith and my feelings which make me feel so incredibly confused and ask many questions. God loves me... but why is He making me hurt so much? God loved John... but why did He end his life so early, when he had so much more to give? As Christians we are always vulnerable to contradictions between secular life and spirituality, but our love of God and the strength of our faith stop us from doubting. In the past this has always been the case for me - every problem I have ever had, however small (like exam stress) or large (the deaths of my parents), I have been helped through it by God and my faith.
Since I lost John this hasn't been the case, and that upsets me. I think it's because we were so close, and the major impact this loss has had on my life, but to me that's not enough reason to doubt my life-long beliefs. Surely if I really was a true Christian, if I truly loved God with all my heart, I wouldn't be confused abut my faith as I am now? I don't think I am doubting my faith, as I still find comfort in prayer and being at church, but at the moment I don't feel very close to God and that really scares me. I don't want to stop loving Him and believing in Him but the turmoil inside me is threatening this and I don't know what I can do about it.
I think I have reached desperation point now, and I really need help. As I said at the start (I truly apologise for rambling so much) my church and the local Christian community have been so much support for me and people have said so many helpful things, but I feel like this is all influenced by the fact that these people knew my brother. John was special to a lot of people and I can't help but feel that their own experiences of losing him might affect the things they say to me and the things they do. I don't know really, I'm just so confused about everything right now.
Please, please, please don't hate me for struggling with my faith, it upsets me too which is why I desperately need your help. I want my spirituality to go back to the way it was.
My beloved twin brother John finally lost his battle with cancer in October 2002. He was diagnosed with an astrocytoma (a type of brain tumour) in March 2000 but after successful surgery and some radiotherapy he went into remission. Another, more aggressive tumour, was diagnosed in June 2001 but this time the surgery resulted in brain damage leaving John with partial paralysis down his right side, speech problems and poor memory. After months of treatment the cancer spread to his spinal cord and his condition was pronounced terminal in April 2002.
In the last few months of John's life, he deteriorated so rapidly and it made me feel so helpless because I couldn't stop what was happening to him. Also, despite the fact that I quit my music course and took on a flexible part-time job so I could look after him at home, I desperately wanted to be able to do more for him. It was a very tough time. However, our faith helped us both during this difficult time. John was not scared of death and I was not scared for him, as we both knew he would be looked after when he left this world.
For the last week or so before John died, he didn't even know who I was and he couldn't speak or move. I prayed and prayed for him and it gave me so much comfort. I was holding him in my arms when he passed away and it was a highly spiritual moment for me, it was as if I could feel him leaving his body but I knew he was at peace and it felt like he was still in the room. It was a more spiritual experience than I could ever describe in words.
Although my brother's illness was tough, my faith helped me through it and it is only following his death that I have had problems. I developed anorexia because I was too depressed to eat and I couldn't sleep because I kept having dreams of seeing him walking ahead of me and not being able to catch up. I then started self-harming because it made me feel in control of my pain... you can take painkillers for a headache or put a plaster on a cut, but there's no such remedy for the pain of grief. When John was dying I was convinced that God would take my hand to lead me through this pain, and that my faith would help me deal with what was going to happen. My problem is that this hasn't happened.
After several months in psychiatric care I was able to pick up my course where I left off and tried desperately to get on with my life. The problem is that it just hurts so much. After our parents died, John and I became even closer than ever before. He was not only my brother, he was also my soul mate and my guardian angel and the best friend anybody could ever wish for... I'm starting to cry while I'm writing this... Every time I think about him it's like a wound is being opened up. He was also a major part of my identity because we were adopted and he was the only birth relative I know of. His death has left a massive hole inside me and I don't think it will ever be filled, it was the special place in my heart and mind that only he could occupy.
Every day is a struggle now - on a practical and an emotional level, that goes without saying, but also I regret to say on a spiritual level. I love God as much as I have ever done but I also find myself questioning my faith every single day. I am constantly bombarded with contradictions between my faith and my feelings which make me feel so incredibly confused and ask many questions. God loves me... but why is He making me hurt so much? God loved John... but why did He end his life so early, when he had so much more to give? As Christians we are always vulnerable to contradictions between secular life and spirituality, but our love of God and the strength of our faith stop us from doubting. In the past this has always been the case for me - every problem I have ever had, however small (like exam stress) or large (the deaths of my parents), I have been helped through it by God and my faith.
Since I lost John this hasn't been the case, and that upsets me. I think it's because we were so close, and the major impact this loss has had on my life, but to me that's not enough reason to doubt my life-long beliefs. Surely if I really was a true Christian, if I truly loved God with all my heart, I wouldn't be confused abut my faith as I am now? I don't think I am doubting my faith, as I still find comfort in prayer and being at church, but at the moment I don't feel very close to God and that really scares me. I don't want to stop loving Him and believing in Him but the turmoil inside me is threatening this and I don't know what I can do about it.
I think I have reached desperation point now, and I really need help. As I said at the start (I truly apologise for rambling so much) my church and the local Christian community have been so much support for me and people have said so many helpful things, but I feel like this is all influenced by the fact that these people knew my brother. John was special to a lot of people and I can't help but feel that their own experiences of losing him might affect the things they say to me and the things they do. I don't know really, I'm just so confused about everything right now.
Please, please, please don't hate me for struggling with my faith, it upsets me too which is why I desperately need your help. I want my spirituality to go back to the way it was.