Please help me save my faith

[joosiej]

Please help me I'm having trouble with my faith and I need to speak to other Christians that don't know me personally. Talking to people at my church has been very valuable for me, but I need some objective support too.
My beloved twin brother John finally lost his battle with cancer in October 2002. He was diagnosed with an astrocytoma (a type of brain tumour) in March 2000 but after successful surgery and some radiotherapy he went into remission. Another, more aggressive tumour, was diagnosed in June 2001 but this time the surgery resulted in brain damage leaving John with partial paralysis down his right side, speech problems and poor memory. After months of treatment the cancer spread to his spinal cord and his condition was pronounced terminal in April 2002.
In the last few months of John's life, he deteriorated so rapidly and it made me feel so helpless because I couldn't stop what was happening to him. Also, despite the fact that I quit my music course and took on a flexible part-time job so I could look after him at home, I desperately wanted to be able to do more for him. It was a very tough time. However, our faith helped us both during this difficult time. John was not scared of death and I was not scared for him, as we both knew he would be looked after when he left this world.
For the last week or so before John died, he didn't even know who I was and he couldn't speak or move. I prayed and prayed for him and it gave me so much comfort. I was holding him in my arms when he passed away and it was a highly spiritual moment for me, it was as if I could feel him leaving his body but I knew he was at peace and it felt like he was still in the room. It was a more spiritual experience than I could ever describe in words.
Although my brother's illness was tough, my faith helped me through it and it is only following his death that I have had problems. I developed anorexia because I was too depressed to eat and I couldn't sleep because I kept having dreams of seeing him walking ahead of me and not being able to catch up. I then started self-harming because it made me feel in control of my pain... you can take painkillers for a headache or put a plaster on a cut, but there's no such remedy for the pain of grief. When John was dying I was convinced that God would take my hand to lead me through this pain, and that my faith would help me deal with what was going to happen. My problem is that this hasn't happened.
After several months in psychiatric care I was able to pick up my course where I left off and tried desperately to get on with my life. The problem is that it just hurts so much. After our parents died, John and I became even closer than ever before. He was not only my brother, he was also my soul mate and my guardian angel and the best friend anybody could ever wish for... I'm starting to cry while I'm writing this... Every time I think about him it's like a wound is being opened up. He was also a major part of my identity because we were adopted and he was the only birth relative I know of. His death has left a massive hole inside me and I don't think it will ever be filled, it was the special place in my heart and mind that only he could occupy.
Every day is a struggle now - on a practical and an emotional level, that goes without saying, but also I regret to say on a spiritual level. I love God as much as I have ever done but I also find myself questioning my faith every single day. I am constantly bombarded with contradictions between my faith and my feelings which make me feel so incredibly confused and ask many questions. God loves me... but why is He making me hurt so much? God loved John... but why did He end his life so early, when he had so much more to give? As Christians we are always vulnerable to contradictions between secular life and spirituality, but our love of God and the strength of our faith stop us from doubting. In the past this has always been the case for me - every problem I have ever had, however small (like exam stress) or large (the deaths of my parents), I have been helped through it by God and my faith.
Since I lost John this hasn't been the case, and that upsets me. I think it's because we were so close, and the major impact this loss has had on my life, but to me that's not enough reason to doubt my life-long beliefs. Surely if I really was a true Christian, if I truly loved God with all my heart, I wouldn't be confused abut my faith as I am now? I don't think I am doubting my faith, as I still find comfort in prayer and being at church, but at the moment I don't feel very close to God and that really scares me. I don't want to stop loving Him and believing in Him but the turmoil inside me is threatening this and I don't know what I can do about it.
I think I have reached desperation point now, and I really need help. As I said at the start (I truly apologise for rambling so much) my church and the local Christian community have been so much support for me and people have said so many helpful things, but I feel like this is all influenced by the fact that these people knew my brother. John was special to a lot of people and I can't help but feel that their own experiences of losing him might affect the things they say to me and the things they do. I don't know really, I'm just so confused about everything right now.
Please, please, please don't hate me for struggling with my faith, it upsets me too which is why I desperately need your help. I want my spirituality to go back to the way it was.

 

[Rupert]

I know how you feel with the huge hole you have. My wife passed away Nov 23/03 suddenly of a brain anurism. She had never been sick. We met when she was sixteen and was 48 when she passed away. Joosej I think the Lord alows us to question his authority in these matters, and expects us to be mad at Him. But we know he has a bigger plan. I really don't know how to express the way I feel but I do know if I trust in Him he will carry me through. To help heal I talk a lot about my wife with freinds this may make them feel uneasy but it makes me feel like she is with me. Also I try to spend more time with the Lord in Prayer and devotions. I will pray for you that his hand will confort you and guide you. The hole will never fill and I really don't want it too, I want to fill it a little with all the good memories of our time together. Hang in there Trust in the Lord and it will slowly feel better.

 

[ukok]

You have endured so much pain, my heart goes out to you. Your Heavenly Father is waiting always to comfort you in your time of need. I will pray for you.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Wow. I can't imagine...
I know a lot of the time...hope is all we have...hope for the day of healing in spite of not being able to see it. Instead of walking in the light we are plunged into darkness and the light is just a distant point we struggle to see if we can see it at all.
Your pain is going to take a lot to heal, and a lot of time. I believe God hold our hands through the darkness. We can't seem him or any way out of the abject misery. We don't know how long the night will last. But God is still there and still guiding us and we can hope for the day when the sun shines again.

 

[childofgrace]

Why would anyone hate you for struggling with your faith. Anyone who hasn't struggled as one point or another is lying!

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have never lost anyone as close as you and your brother were, but the Father has and he understands your pain, your anger, and your struggle.

You are moving through some very natural phases relating to the grief process. The Father is walking through this time with you even though you may not always see or fell His gentle hand on your back.

Thank you for trusting us with your pain and your struggle.

Kirk

 

[GreenEyedLady]

I sent you a private message.,..
I am so sorry.
GEL

 

[JesusInMyHeart]

Hi dear friend...

I am so sorry for your loss...

May God fill you with His peace.

Lord I lift up joosiej in prayer I ask with love that You heal this grief and sadness. Shower this person with Your love. Carry joosiej each day. Shine Your spirit of joy within this heart that is hurting...Thank You Lord...In the name of Jesus "AMEN"..

 

[Godsgirl18]

U have been prayed for right now. And just remember this: If God so choses to vlose one door he will always open another. Im just saying this to u because God had a reason for wut he did....U might not realize it now but soon u will and when u do u will be in a way thankful...if u need 2 talk u can IM me at Readersivad. please be blessed and keep your head up to the heavens

 

[smr]

we're flexing for you...

 

[thereselittleflower]

Hi joosiej



Your faith is not gone, your spirituality is not gone . . it has gone deep within you, your grief is so fresh still . .

God has not abandoned you, neither is He angry with you . .

You do not sense His presence, but He is still right there with you . . you think you are walking alone in the sand, and when you look back you see only one set of foot prints in the sand . . and you wonder why you are alone, why God is no walking beside you . .

He is not walking beside you, He is carrying you, but you cannot sense it, you cannot feel it, the wound in you heart is so raw and deep. . .


Just cling to Jesus like a little child who does not understand anything of what is happening, and perhaps is somewhat fearful, but trusts Him . .

Who else do we have to turn to? Where else can we go?


God, in His infinite mercy and love for us, allows things into our lives that we, like a very small child are unable to comprehend . . He seems to act contrary to His nature though He does not, and He permits these times of darkness . .many times they occur with the loss of someone veyr close to us . .

I know my words probably are not enough, and they may sound meaningless right now . . . but God is still holding your hand even though you can't feel it, He is weeping with you in your sorrow and hurt, though you can't see it . .

Cling to Him with everything you have, no matter how it seems to you right now . . .

He is bringing you deeper into Himself . . . there is end to this night of your soul . ..


Peace in Him!

 

[joosiej]

To everyone who replied to my message about my brother, I don't really know what to say other than thank you... Your support is so precious.

 

[Jesusfreekwanabe]

oh my MEo meo meo my . Joosiej , ( i am not able to PM u casue im wrting this at home and will drop in the morning sorry )

firstly I want u to know that u r perfectly normal in this state , I my self don’t think I could live with out my wife , it makes me tear up just to think about it . its ok to cry mourn huddle in a little corner and just contemplate the world , u can express u grief in any way as long is it is not perverse in any way

Secondly your brother has not forgotten you , he will be there waiting for u when u have fulfilled the plans that God has for u . he goes with all of the other saints who have family members on earth and request there prayers , but God will not force his gifts upon u , u have to we able to receive and seek them and when u r ready timing is everything .

thirdly I want u to know that u r , in your state , that Satan has already jumped on you . those " contradictions " u think u have , they r 100% Satan warping things in to 1/2 truths and lies . they were not there before and suddenly they r there . Lission where will u turn if u drop Jesus ? what other name have u known so much healing ? what other name can save u ? and no im not kidding Satan is gona try to slay u.
be in grief and seek Jesus , it's ok if your days are 24 hr periods of prayer times and grief . Just don’t hold your bro over God even if u end up spending more time grieving than preying .

fourthly your anorexia will go away as your grief also disappears for your grief is the heart of that problem , I don’t know a lot a bout anorexia or how to stop it , but consume some fruit every now and then take care of your self man and stay a way from self pity that will destroy you , what ever u do all u can not to practice self pity it will lengthen your pain and shorten the time God will have to move with you .your cutting will also go a way as your grief goes away , so express your grief its ok to be miserable crying mess on the floor , just stay away from driving fating foods and critical ppl , its ok to let the pain surge they r just emotions I mean an emotion is just how u feel u cant change them they just come and go

filthy im pretty shur this is a safe bet , BUT u r goan be the light for 100s of ppl after u get outa this stage of life . God will most likely youse your testimony to keep a lot of ppl from suicide , strengthen those in persecution and ME if I ever lose my wife and may others who will have lost some body vary valuable , for who there r vary few who has lost any one as close as u have lost . ppl will not only look up to u but u will help them in times of need that I could not but sit there and let there tears fall upon my shoulder..... YOU my blessed a cursed friend have such a wonder full testimony , do your self a favor and write a book . and after u have done some more victory run about this forum supporting ppl and grieving with them cause they NEED u trust me , but not till your ready . God is gona move with u in ways he could never move with me , not even Paul the Apostle can say " I have been there " my dear friend u have Just embarked chapter 1 of the rest of your ministry to the world . u will be more than just a grief councilor .... oh my gosh


6thy I have been threw a lot in the lord and seen a lot in the lord and hear is what I have to say and jars of clay ( further more album) says it best

" God is the shelter from the rain and the rain to wash me away "

--- brings tears to your eyes ehh

God gives and takes away he is the only one who can lift my head and the only to cause it to droop .

7thy if any body tells u that u lost your brother cause God thought that u would love him ( your bro ) more than God , tell then to shut the **** up ! and its ok to punch them in the face . God has called u to a rare and beautiful place in his body , he has called you to his heart , more particularly the part that grieves .... this place only a few r called . your burden will be great BUT many will be strengthened because of your words dedication and loss . he had gone to heaven , for the sake that 100's will not turn away from God you will be fighting agents the “ love that waxes cold “ in the end days u will help to prevent many form turning from Jesus in the last days , u will go on and see many movements in the lord , but finish grieving. Just think what kind of testimony will u have to strengthen the body ( church) OF God and his army , u have even strengthened me a little reading this . u will influence SOOO many in so many good ways all the way till u reconciled with your brother . trust me . u r rare ad beautiful your brother is a literal saint he has died for the cause and he did not even know it then and u have lived with the Burdon to carry it to the masses . its kind of like when Jesus died and Paul could not belive it and was deeply mourned ….. well Jesus came back and said Go tell ppl what I have done and will do for them , except that u will not so much be planting seeds u will be in the special ops of watering and picking leaves and peadles out of the mud , It cost you your most presious gift , Just like God gave up his son for us your bro has been given that u will strengthen the Body of Christ .
FINISH GREAVING FIRST HOW EVER NEEDED JUST SO LONG AS IT IS NOT DIRTY then be prepared for the greatest roller coaster in your life as God exact plan un rolls in front of you

so let your hope guide to horizons of exuberant joy and healing and be revrived

 

[MeetJoeBlack]

Hi

Surely our LORD is with with you now and comforting you. Dear brother, hang in there, remember :

For as high as the heavens above the skies, so is His thoughts far above our thoughts.

So Trust in the LORD with all of your heart.
And lean not unto your own understanding.
Acknowledge Him in all of your ways and He will direct your paths

Your brother is now with Our Father in Heaven and LORD Jesus, in Heaven, you should be glad, and Your brother is watching at you now from Heaven, Surely you do not want to let them see you in sadness Be strong because Our LORD gives you strength. I'd like to share the following devotional with you.



INSIGHTS from Bill Bright
Reflections from the late Founder and President/Chairman Emeritus of Campus Crusade for Christ International


Dear friends:

The day one's mother dies is something most everyone will vividly remember. I do. In 1983, my dear, precious mother went to be with the Lord Jesus Christ, at age 93. At the time, I was scheduled to be the keynote speaker to launch the great event we called KC '83, in Kansas City.

Some 20,000 students and staff were gathered for a week of inspiration and training in discipleship. When the news about my mother came, we had just finished a press conference, announcing our event to the people of Kansas, through the media, radio and television.

Suddenly, a friend handed me a note from my sister saying. The note simply said, "Please call." I did call immediately, and my sister informed me that our mother had just entered into her eternal glory.

I was devastated, for we had planned for sometime, my mother and I, that I should come directly from Kansas City following that week of meetings to be with her in Oklahoma where she lived. And now she was gone.

Gone.

My father died a year before.


I had been eager to tell her of all the exciting things God did that week because she always remembered me daily in prayer. Many of the marvelous things in which I was engaged had been bathed in her tears and prayers. And now she was gone.

I thought, "I cannot possibly speak tonight, and I want only to be alone with the Lord and to meditate upon my wonderful, wonderful mother." So I excused myself and went to my hotel room.

There on my knees I was asking the Lord how could I possibly give the keynote address that night when suddenly the Holy Spirit spoke very clearly to me. Though not audibly, it could have been on a thousand loud speakers. I strongly sensed the Lord saying to me, "This is what the Christian life is all about. I am with you in times of joy and rejoicing, as well as heartache and sorrow. I will speak through you tonight and the story of how you share your faith in me in this time of great loss will be a blessing to all who hear it."

As an act of obedience and by faith, I spoke. For the first time, I believe my mother was there to observe from her celestial position, and that was one of the most meaningful messages I've ever given. I trust the Lord was pleased, and my mother, and that everyone was blessed.

Yes, He helps us. He always helps us in our time of trouble. He promised, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (John 14:27, NIV).


Yours for helping to fulfill the Great Commission
each year until our Lord returns,

Bill Bright

 

[pmarquette]

Please help me I'm having trouble with my faith and I need to speak to other Christians that don't know me personally. Talking to people at my church has been very valuable for me, but I need some objective support too.
good , that's what " confess your faults ( cares , concerns , weakness ) to one another means ... Acts 4

My beloved twin brother John finally lost his battle with cancer in October 2002. He was diagnosed with an astrocytoma (a type of brain tumour) in March 2000 but after successful surgery and some radiotherapy he went into remission.
my wife's sister and father lost a similar battle ... despite our prayers and desires....
Another, more aggressive tumour, was diagnosed in June 2001 but this time the surgery resulted in brain damage leaving John with partial paralysis down his right side, speech problems and poor memory. After months of treatment the cancer spread to his spinal cord and his condition was pronounced terminal in April 2002.
a little guy .... Gabriel Michael , 8-10 yrs old died a couple of weeks ago , blown up like a baloon , swollen , but with hope of Jesus within him ....
he went home .... his parents , his 12 -14 year old brother and sister , parents , aunt were devastated .... we had pressed in , prayed , believed ...

In the last few months of John's life, he deteriorated so rapidly and it made me feel so helpless because I couldn't stop what was happening to him. Also, despite the fact that I quit my music course and took on a flexible part-time job so I could look after him at home, I desperately wanted to be able to do more for him.
but you made a sacrifice , demonstrated the love of Christ , did what others could or would not do ...

It was a very tough time. However, our faith helped us both during this difficult time. John was not scared of death and I was not scared for him, as we both knew he would be looked after when he left this world.
your faith covered him , strengthened him like Barnabus did with Paul and John Mark ... perhaps your faith made the difference in the last days ...

For the last week or so before John died, he didn't even know who I was and he couldn't speak or move. I prayed and prayed for him and it gave me so much comfort. I was holding him in my arms when he passed away and it was a highly spiritual moment for me, it was as if I could feel him leaving his body but I knew he was at peace and it felt like he was still in the room. It was a more spiritual experience than I could ever describe in words.
praise God .... when my inlaws were preparing to bury my father in law , the power went out .... they were wondering which suit Dave would like to be buried in .... they held a suit in the door way for the light ( no power ) and the door bell rang .... ( no power ? ) Dave approved it ...

Although my brother's illness was tough, my faith helped me through it and it is only following his death that I have had problems. I developed anorexia because I was too depressed to eat and I couldn't sleep because I kept having dreams of seeing him walking ahead of me and not being able to catch up. fear of failure .... fear of losing faith ... fear of separation .... of the devil , not of God ...2 Timothy 1.7

I then started self-harming because it made me feel in control of my pain... you can take painkillers for a headache or put a plaster on a cut, but there's no such remedy for the pain of grief. When John was dying I was convinced that God would take my hand to lead me through this pain, and that my faith would help me deal with what was going to happen. My problem is that this hasn't happened.
to whom much is given , much is expected .... look at the beatitudes , blessed are they who .... in essence have endured grief , sorrow , trials , despair ... for they will be used to comfort others .... Jesus prayed for Peter " when you come back to yourself , go and strengthen the others "

After several months in psychiatric care I was able to pick up my course where I left off and tried desperately to get on with my life. The problem is that it just hurts so much.
it has taken my wife 2+ years to deal with the loss of her sister and her father within 18 months of each other . a part of her died with them , she withdrew .... I don't want to be lovable , so people will not miss me when I go , so they won't hurt as I do .... even if we are stinkers , and people love us , they still miss us ...

After our parents died, John and I became even closer than ever before. He was not only my brother, he was also my soul mate and my guardian angel and the best friend anybody could ever wish for... I'm starting to cry while I'm writing this... Every time I think about him it's like a wound is being opened up. He was also a major part of my identity because we were adopted and he was the only birth relative I know of.
my sister and I and both my cousins are adopted .... look at John 15 about being adopted into the kingdom .... another father who knows , who cares , who seeks to help , who's name says " what ever you need , fill in the blank , that I will be to you __________ I am , that very thing ______ , I Am

His death has left a massive hole inside me and I don't think it will ever be filled, it was the special place in my heart and mind that only he could occupy. Every day is a struggle now - on a practical and an emotional level, that goes without saying, but also I regret to say on a spiritual level. I love God as much as I have ever done but I also find myself questioning my faith every single day.
one day at a time , one hour at a time , one minute at a time .... excuse self to rest room , pray ,,,,,, go back for 1/2 hr...... pray .... ask for God to send some one , people , to minister to you .... believe that they will come ... jsut at the right time .....

I am constantly bombarded with contradictions between my faith and my feelings which make me feel so incredibly confused and ask many questions. God loves me... but why is He making me hurt so much? God loved John... but why did He end his life so early, when he had so much more to give?
we wrestle with what we " believe " ... but until we walk out what we believe , test it ... it is not ours .... when we are broken , when we lay life , heart , mind .... at the feet of the cross ... Jesus I can't go any further ... we understand the poem about the foot steps in the sand .... when we let go and let God ...

As Christians we are always vulnerable to contradictions between secular life and spirituality, but our love of God and the strength of our faith stop us from doubting. In the past this has always been the case for me - every problem I have ever had, however small (like exam stress) or large (the deaths of my parents), I have been helped through it by God and my faith.
what He did then , He will do again , if you permit him ....

Since I lost John this hasn't been the case, and that upsets me. I think it's because we were so close, and the major impact this loss has had on my life, but to me that's not enough reason to doubt my life-long beliefs.
alone , now you are the boss , parents and brother are with the Lord , disconcerting ... you have to learn , do , and go where you desire not to , where you have no comfort or strength ..... my wife of 15 years left me for a kid 1/2 her age and I had 2 kids , single dad , no money , lots of problems , many things to learn and my heart felt like a pin cushion ..... pick up cross , pray like it depends on Him and work like it depends on you ...

Surely if I really was a true Christian, if I truly loved God with all my heart, I wouldn't be confused abut my faith as I am now? I don't think I am doubting my faith, as I still find comfort in prayer and being at church, but at the moment I don't feel very close to God and that really scares me. I don't want to stop loving Him and believing in Him but the turmoil inside me is threatening this and I don't know what I can do about it.
ok , normal ... grief , anger , frustraiton , denial , acceptance ... time , takes time , ecclesiastes 10 , and 3 bread on waters , time and place ...

I think I have reached desperation point now, and I really need help. As I said at the start (I truly apologise for rambling so much) my church and the local Christian community have been so much support for me and people have said so many helpful things, but I feel like this is all influenced by the fact that these people knew my brother.
go and let some one lay hands on you , have priest anoint you , have others hold you ..... draw upon their strength , their anointing ...hey ! I need some grace stuff .... some of that balm of Gilead ... help !

John was special to a lot of people and I can't help but feel that their own experiences of losing him might affect the things they say to me and the things they do. I don't know really, I'm just so confused about everything right now.
so what ! love you cause loved him or loved him cause you loved him ...
motivation is irrelavant ... doing some thing to help you and honor the memory of John ... accept , rejoice , praise God .... many have no one ,
no one at funeral , no one at wake , no one at cemetary , no one to comfort them .... alone ........ ok !

Please, please, please don't hate me for struggling with my faith, it upsets me too which is why I desperately need your help. I want my spirituality to go back to the way it was.

except a grain of wheat die.... cannot become a stalk of grain , except a caterpillar die --- cannot become a butterfy , except the old life die --- the new and wonderful ministry cannot start .... except the crippled heart be replaced the new heart cannot be placed within you .... Ezekiel 36.26-7

crawl up in His lap , weep , hold onto the hem of his garment , cry out your anger , pain ,hurt ... pour out your questions ... and listen for his voice ... it will be there ....

 

[alaurie]

JoosieJ- sending all my blessings your way. Disappointment with God by Philip Yancy helped me in a crisis of faith. I wish I could send you a copy. He wrote it specifically for emotionally hurting Christians. Much of it is based on the Book of Job.

I am praying for you- Allye