Losing my faith...

[kstar2013]

Hi... whoever is out there... I guess today i just need support and encouragement and I don't know where else to can go. I have always wanted children, but it takes two and my husband wasn't ready for the longest time. As soon as he was, I was diagnosed with Endo, it was a huge shock. I had no idea, no bad periods, i only went in for a check up and was told, no way you are getting pregnant with that in there. So, we had to wait 4 months for an operation, I lost one ovary and a little of the 2nd, but told my chances of pregnancy were still high. Roll on 3 months and i get my first sick to stomach feeling and hey presto 2 lines... 4 days later...period cue.. Chemical no.1. Next cycle, to fat strong lines, had ultra sound and saw the sac, lost it at 6 weeks 5 days. Then last month, another Chemical pregnancy. sometimes i get so low, this is really testing my faith I am in so much emotional pain at times it feels unbearable. It's not just the loss of potential babies, although that really hurts, it's the failure of fulfilling my dreams. I wanted a big family, it's all i have ever seen for myself, and i am getting older (31 this year) with a potential health problem that is not going away and an ovary that has been operated on. I am so low on hope i can hardly function, I don't know how to come to terms with this. It feels like even if i do get pregnant, it will never be with the same joy as others have, there is so much sadness attached now. To top it all off we just moved to another country so i can't work, or speak the language well and i am surrounded by expat young mums and people trying and getting pregnant all over. I have 1 friend who has no children and doesn't want them. There is no-one who understands this pain, I really struggle with the WHY, why when he is so powerful and loves me so much would he leave me feeling so abandoned. I am in a good Church, but they are so positive God can give a child, but i have no faith for it at all, it doesn't seem he is in control of anything any more. Please, if you can pray for me to see him again, i don't want to lose my faith, but at the moment surrendering to this pain is easier. I just want my baby back and i don't know why he took it

 

[SAT]

You made me cry when I read your post, all I ever wanted was a family too, didn’t want a top job big house, car, just a husband and children. I married at 20 would have been sooner if I had my way! As soon as I was married I wanted to be promoted to motherhood, my poor husband, pregnancy consumed me, ever month was a roller coaster ride! A few days late meant I was pregnant so off to look at baby clothes, then of course I wasn’t, this went on for 6 years!!! My world came to an end I only had motherhood, I craved children more than life. After many visits to doctors I was finally told the problem was with me, that was it, I completely lost it, I had prayed my heart out I told god how much this meant to me! I took every bible we had lots into the garden and burnt the lot, I screamed hysterically at my husband, he had to call the doctor to sedate me! I woke the following morning and had no reason to get out of bed, I just wanted to die there, my husband would just hold me at night, if he had tried any more than this it would have been with a lifeless woman, after a week of this my mother in law turned up, I was out of that bed, dressed makeup on within 3 hours she was not a woman to be trifled with, she dragged me to the doctors in the uk appointments are required, not with my mother in law they wasn’t, she made the doctor explain everything to me he said it wasn’t impossible for me to become pregnant it was very, very unlikely! And it was best to face facts and consider other routes to a family. my mother in law on hearing this took my hand and I felt her squeeze it, she took me out of that doctors and to my church and she looked me in the eyes and said one last try dear, we went into that church and sodded our hearts out, I Don’t thing we even prayed! I loved that woman after that day, anyway once out of that church it was back to her old self- you have an husband to look after and I only let you have him because you would make him a good wife! Don’t let me down she said! I had my husband’s favourite meal on the table when he came in and a gift for him, he was shocked at my transformation, happily shocked, I asked him to carry me to our bed as he did on our wedding night, he did, and he read my gift to him, it was the bible, nine months after this I gave birth to the first of my two sons. so I implore you keep trying, keep praying, I am writing to my mother in law to tell her we have another appointment with God at my church as we have more tears for him. This is the least I can do for you my sister.

 

[kstar2013]

Wow! I wish (in some ways) I could be as open about my grief as that. I am holding so much in, and it scares me, I can feel the resentment inside me growing, toward God and my husband - because he can't understand and i can't say... I just can't speak it, it's this internal self destructive monologue, and then i crack a bit and cry, but he doesn't know why, he is so positive i will get pregnant again, it feel like he is ignoring the loss of our baby! But right now I don't even know if I ever want to have another child, but at the same time i am so desperate it physically hurts. I don't know where God is where i am or anything right now. I am so scared that this 'journey' wherever it leads, will break us. No one wants to be with a misery. Thank you for being so honest with me, it really helps to know after such a rough time, that God sent you someone to help 'pick you up' and help mend you. I hope he does the same for me. May he bless you greatly. Thank you x

 

[SAT]

You will be open like that, that volcano will build and build until it consumes you, I was just like you, even if you told your husband just how you felt it would not stop that build up. I release my volcano in that church that day with my mother-in-law, the floor ran with our tears, God just emptied me out.

Yes I understand you are grieving for your baby, you are learning the cost of love is grief, you loved that baby because it was in you not your husband. It’s hard for men on two counts they are not naturally emotional, and they don’t carry that baby, we know it’s there don’t we. But sister that baby is with god because he knew it had to be, it needed a mummy for a short while and god decided it would be you.
You had to pay a grate cost to give that baby love; it wasn’t for nothing it was for that baby and God. but god knew that you would love that baby from conception, and to have it taken away would hurt you beyond belief, but it was so important that this baby experienced your love that it had to be done, if that baby had gone full term you would have given your life up for it if necessary wouldn’t you? God didn’t need that he just needed you to love that baby for that short time, he loved you both, in the fullness of eternity you will understand why. Now you just have to know that your love was so important for that child it had to be done.
now let me help with some of that pain, let me tell you that baby knew you loved it, and it knew you were its mummy, god would have seen to that.

I do wish I could help more but I can't stop grief because grief is just unshead tears, and I am sheading tears just typing this, I wouldnt pretend to know your pain because if I did it would hurt so much.

sister I love you.

 

[Just4Jesus]

I'm so sorry