Is it strange to be over the hill and still be single?

[Rajni]

I find marriage a great mystery! I believe I suffered Attachment Disorder as a child that was never addressed. I also grew up in a highly dysfunctional family with an alcoholic mother and developed social anxiety. While I tried relationships (including 2 marriages), I have never been as happy married as I have been single. That's not to say I never want company or am always happy but relationships bring stress for me. Just having to share my environment with another person is draining.

I have lived alone for 15 years now. I've dated very little during that time. While I have lived in the same city for 21 years now, I don't have a single guy friend here. What few friends I have are women but no one I see regularly. My best friends are phone/text friends who live nowhere near me. I regularly go stretches of days without leaving the house (other than to go outside or ride my bike) and likewise go stretches where I don't talk. I've found that when I do have occasion to talk a lot my voice gets hoarse from lack of regular conversations.

I have social phobia so group activities are not my thing. I've tried joining clubs with like-minded people but I can't enjoy them. I do best one-on-one. I am not much for small talk. I would rather talk about the things I am reading about and usually prefer writing to talking. Most of what I overhear people talking about when out on dates or with loved ones are things I would tire of quickly. I am thinking about moving and know that any of the places I am considering are places where I would know no one. Given how little I get out, that could be a permanent state of affairs.

In my 20s I was very involved in my church but primarily in a teaching capacity. I have a gift for teaching and taught all ages but my calling was to teach adults. I was able to do so for a long time but then get married and my wife opposed my teaching feeling a husband's sole focus should be on his wife and children and church ministry should wait until his children were grown and gone. That put an end to my teaching. When I taught, I loved the teaching. I could be 100% comfortable in front of a group despite my social anxiety. I even was asked to fill in for a pastor a few times and deliver the Sunday sermon. No problem. I always got great feedback but as soon as the teaching time was over I wanted to leave. Standing around and talking afterward was torture. Home Bible studies were the worst as they were short on study and mostly about fellowship. Fast forward to today. I now attend services from home. My church long offered this option even prior to covid. I used to go in person but always arrived 5 minutes before the service started and slipped in a back entrance to avoid all the greeters at the front door. I would use a side entrance into the sanctuary and sit as close to the back as possible. When the pastor prayed after the sermon I would slip quietly out the back door and be gone. I knew all that was left was a collection and one more song. I could give online or put a check in a box at the back so I didn't need to be present to give. Even when I did stick around to the bitter end I would never have any significant conversations and would be antsy to leave. After a while, I decided to just attend virtually. Being a twice-divorced man is not conducive to being given teaching opportunities. Most churches still see that as a form of leadership even if not in the form of an elder or deacon. Ironically, we will let almost anyone teach children but if you want to teach adults the standards are much higher. I also happen to go to a church that has a strong affiliation with a local Bible college and has on staff many graduates or current students. While I am just as capable, they get all the opportunities. My education is self-taught through books and occasional courses. So now I mostly write and keep a blog.

Being single is not perfect. There are times I wish I had someone to do something with. Sometimes I have to get out when it's been more than a week since I left the house. Just sitting in a restaurant and eating by myself is often all it takes. Just being around other people does the trick. Having daily people contact in the form of a marriage would be a giant change for me. That is something I would have to warm up to over a long period of time if it's even possible. I do struggle at times knowing that I am not sharing my gift(s) as much as I could. I do help a lot of people in many ways but my teaching gift is largely going to waste. It's hard though to teach in a traditional church environment when you have been twice divorced. You've lost that aura of being "above reproach" no matter what the circumstances were for your divorces. I get it. I do know that being single gives me time to read, research, learn, and reflect on things most people never have time for. I just need to find more ways to share that. I don't know that I will ever know the feelings some get from holding hands with a lover, gazing into their eyes, sitting quietly together... Those things might not be for me but God causes all things to work together for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

A lot of this sounds like me. My social battery gets spent during work; by the time I'm done, I'm really done. I could go for days not leaving my home. It's nothing against people, either; they're great. It's just that I absolutely love my solitude. I may be alone, but I'm never lonely.

That said, I've recently taken on a new role in my job that isn't quite as customer-intensive; it's more behind-the scenes. So I'm not as people-saturated as I used to be. I've also recently returned to Christianity (or, more accurately, am more happy with identifying once again as a Christian) for reasons that I may blog here about soon, so I'm toying with returning to a church again, now that my job isn't as "people-y". I might be getting Sundays off; I can hear God saying, "Oh wow, so... um... whatcha gonna do with your Sundays, Raj?". He and I are working that one out. I've got a church practically sitting on my front doorstep, but there's another that's a 20 minute walk from me that I think I might prefer (it's a Catholic church, which is my background). Part of my thing is that I wear a mask 8 hours a day at work; I really don't want to be doing things that require it on my days off. A minor concern, but breathing freely is my guilty pleasure these days.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

A lot of this sounds like me. My social battery gets spent during work; by the time I'm done, I'm really done. I could go for days not leaving my home. It's nothing against people, either; they're great. It's just that I absolutely love my solitude. I may be alone, but I'm never lonely.

That said, I've recently taken on a new role in my job that isn't quite as customer-intensive; it's more behind-the scenes. So I'm not as people-saturated as I used to be. I've also recently returned to Christianity (or, more accurately, am more happy with identifying once again as a Christian) for reasons that I may blog here about soon, so I'm toying with returning to a church again, now that my job isn't as "people-y". I might be getting Sundays off; I can hear God saying, "Oh wow, so... um... whatcha gonna do with your Sundays, Raj?". He and I are working that one out. I've got a church practically sitting on my front doorstep, but there's another that's a 20 minute walk from me that I think I might prefer (it's a Catholic church, which is my background). Part of my thing is that I wear a mask 8 hours a day at work; I really don't want to be doing things that require it on my days off. A minor concern, but breathing freely is my guilty pleasure these days.

Yes, alike, but I am probably more extreme. I had a long career as a software engineer. I worked in a sea of cubicles with 5' walls surrounding me. Without really trying, I always ended up on assignments that had me primarily working alone. I think they saw I was someone who could thrive on individual assignments and so I got them. I might have a couple of meetings a week and zero phone calls. Out of n eight-hour day, I might have 30 minutes or less of conversation. Yet I still longed for that solitude once I got home. It was the fact that I was around people all day even though I was not interacting with them. From time to time they would reward us with a picnic, beer bust, after-work party, etc. They weren't strictly mandatory but it was rare for someone not to attend at least part of it. I skipped every one. The only ones I attended were team lunches where it was just our boss and 5 or 6 of us. Nothing was ever said to me. Most people probably didn't even notice. Some managers might have but the company I worked for was cool and let people be themselves. For the most part, we got valued for the work we did and not seniority, playing politics, etc. That served me well.

There's not much point in going to something if you are going to spend the whole time wishing you weren't there and counting the seconds until you can leave. Often, more extroverted people think you just need to "get out there!" as if that will change your perspective. That's like telling someone with a fear of heights they just need to go stand on the edge of more rooftops. You're just going to terrify them. There are better ways to try and help them get over that fear but brute force is usually not the way. I can remember girls trying to drag me out on the dance floor at some long-forgotten weddings. It never worked. The more they pulled the harder I pulled back. Fortunately, I grew up with zero regards for peer pressure. I literally did not care what anyone thought of me and still don't. I never went to the prom, didn't have my first drink until I was 47, and saved sex for marriage. My biggest mistake was talking myself into marriage. Looking back it was a bad decision but water under the bridge now.

I don't need anyone else to be happy (save the Lord of course). The question is, can I be happier with someone else in my life? If so then great. If not then solo is just fine.

 

[Sophrosyne]

I've always been strange.... I decided being lazy not to bother going up the hill at all I just hopped in an old inner tube and drifted down the stream wherever it took me and didn't bump into any women along the way that were not carrying pointed sticks when I was in deep and dangerous waters.

 

[returntosender]

I find marriage a great mystery! I believe I suffered Attachment Disorder as a child that was never addressed. I also grew up in a highly dysfunctional family with an alcoholic mother and developed social anxiety. While I tried relationships (including 2 marriages), I have never been as happy married as I have been single. That's not to say I never want company or am always happy but relationships bring stress for me. Just having to share my environment with another person is draining.

I have lived alone for 15 years now. I've dated very little during that time. While I have lived in the same city for 21 years now, I don't have a single guy friend here. What few friends I have are women but no one I see regularly. My best friends are phone/text friends who live nowhere near me. I regularly go stretches of days without leaving the house (other than to go outside or ride my bike) and likewise go stretches where I don't talk. I've found that when I do have occasion to talk a lot my voice gets hoarse from lack of regular conversations.

I have social phobia so group activities are not my thing. I've tried joining clubs with like-minded people but I can't enjoy them. I do best one-on-one. I am not much for small talk. I would rather talk about the things I am reading about and usually prefer writing to talking. Most of what I overhear people talking about when out on dates or with loved ones are things I would tire of quickly. I am thinking about moving and know that any of the places I am considering are places where I would know no one. Given how little I get out, that could be a permanent state of affairs.

In my 20s I was very involved in my church but primarily in a teaching capacity. I have a gift for teaching and taught all ages but my calling was to teach adults. I was able to do so for a long time but then get married and my wife opposed my teaching feeling a husband's sole focus should be on his wife and children and church ministry should wait until his children were grown and gone. That put an end to my teaching. When I taught, I loved the teaching. I could be 100% comfortable in front of a group despite my social anxiety. I even was asked to fill in for a pastor a few times and deliver the Sunday sermon. No problem. I always got great feedback but as soon as the teaching time was over I wanted to leave. Standing around and talking afterward was torture. Home Bible studies were the worst as they were short on study and mostly about fellowship. Fast forward to today. I now attend services from home. My church long offered this option even prior to covid. I used to go in person but always arrived 5 minutes before the service started and slipped in a back entrance to avoid all the greeters at the front door. I would use a side entrance into the sanctuary and sit as close to the back as possible. When the pastor prayed after the sermon I would slip quietly out the back door and be gone. I knew all that was left was a collection and one more song. I could give online or put a check in a box at the back so I didn't need to be present to give. Even when I did stick around to the bitter end I would never have any significant conversations and would be antsy to leave. After a while, I decided to just attend virtually. Being a twice-divorced man is not conducive to being given teaching opportunities. Most churches still see that as a form of leadership even if not in the form of an elder or deacon. Ironically, we will let almost anyone teach children but if you want to teach adults the standards are much higher. I also happen to go to a church that has a strong affiliation with a local Bible college and has on staff many graduates or current students. While I am just as capable, they get all the opportunities. My education is self-taught through books and occasional courses. So now I mostly write and keep a blog.

Being single is not perfect. There are times I wish I had someone to do something with. Sometimes I have to get out when it's been more than a week since I left the house. Just sitting in a restaurant and eating by myself is often all it takes. Just being around other people does the trick. Having daily people contact in the form of a marriage would be a giant change for me. That is something I would have to warm up to over a long period of time if it's even possible. I do struggle at times knowing that I am not sharing my gift(s) as much as I could. I do help a lot of people in many ways but my teaching gift is largely going to waste. It's hard though to teach in a traditional church environment when you have been twice divorced. You've lost that aura of being "above reproach" no matter what the circumstances were for your divorces. I get it. I do know that being single gives me time to read, research, learn, and reflect on things most people never have time for. I just need to find more ways to share that. I don't know that I will ever know the feelings some get from holding hands with a lover, gazing into their eyes, sitting quietly together... Those things might not be for me but God causes all things to work together for good, for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Sounds like we lived the same life, lol. But you are very much a survivor.
God bless you.
This thread is so strange. It just keeps popping up after a period of time.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Sounds like we lived the same life, lol. But you are very much a survivor.
God bless you.
This thread is so strange. It just keeps popping up after a period of time.

Funny. My Mom said that to me once. She said "You are a survivor just like your father."

She never apologized for her alcoholism. She vaguely acknowledged she had issues but that was it.

Surviving is not thriving. It is getting by. It is believing you will never thrive. That ship has sailed. It is not feeling worthy of happiness at least as others see it. It is being convinced you will die alone because you have no friends or close family. It is trusting in the Lord and learning to be content with that.

 

[sampa]

When is over the hill? I'm about to be 50 next year and I wonder if people consider that over the hill? If so, that's going to be really hard to frame my mind around it if people see me that way. Right now most people that are 5 to 6 years younger than me think I'm younger than them.

So on topic, if I'm considered over the hill, I guess my answer would be that I don't feel it's strange to be single if I still live a young life. And there's plenty of suitors out there that have already been married once or twice and still never married in their 50s. At least that's been my experience the last 2 years with online dating. If I didn't have experience with online dating, I think my perception would be quite different. Especially in a small town when most people are married... Then again I see a growing population of single people and divorced or widowed. I've been fortunate to connect with many other single friends so I don't feel so alone.

 

[returntosender]

You're not over the hill even if you were, there is life in "over the hill".

 

[Sophrosyne]

You're not over the hill

Nope.... she is a mountain climber

 

[returntosender]

Funny. My Mom said that to me once. She said "You are a survivor just like your father."

She never apologized for her alcoholism. She vaguely acknowledged she had issues but that was it.

Surviving is not thriving. It is getting by. It is believing you will never thrive. That ship has sailed. It is not feeling worthy of happiness at least as others see it. It is being convinced you will die alone because you have no friends or close family. It is trusting in the Lord and learning to be content with that.

"Surviving is not thriving. It is getting by. It is believing you will never thrive. That ship has sailed. It is not feeling worthy of happiness at least as others see it. It is being convinced you will die alone because you have no friends or close family.."
Sounds just like me, lol. I disagree that surviving is not thriving though.

 

[public hermit]

A lot of this sounds like me. My social battery gets spent during work; by the time I'm done, I'm really done. I could go for days not leaving my home. It's nothing against people, either; they're great. It's just that I absolutely love my solitude. I may be alone, but I'm never lonely.

That said, I've recently taken on a new role in my job that isn't quite as customer-intensive; it's more behind-the scenes. So I'm not as people-saturated as I used to be. I've also recently returned to Christianity (or, more accurately, am more happy with identifying once again as a Christian) for reasons that I may blog here about soon, so I'm toying with returning to a church again, now that my job isn't as "people-y". I might be getting Sundays off; I can hear God saying, "Oh wow, so... um... whatcha gonna do with your Sundays, Raj?". He and I are working that one out. I've got a church practically sitting on my front doorstep, but there's another that's a 20 minute walk from me that I think I might prefer (it's a Catholic church, which is my background). Part of my thing is that I wear a mask 8 hours a day at work; I really don't want to be doing things that require it on my days off. A minor concern, but breathing freely is my guilty pleasure these days.

I wish you the best. I thought I saw you in the heavenlies of CF access. Lol.

 

[returntosender]

Single dude hasn't been here since he put this question out there. He must have gone and got married, lol

 

[Rajni]

I wish you the best. I thought I saw you in the heavenlies of CF access. Lol.

Thank you! I had forgotten I had posted in this thread!

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I have a well-meaning Christian sister who is always encouraging me to be more active in my church. I totally get where she is coming from but I am not like her and her husband. They are super plugged into their church. They are involved in all kinds of ministries. Steve, her husband, loves the men's group and meeting guys for coffee and the like. Naturally, they feel I must suffer from being isolated and not plugged in like they are. You need support, accountability, iron sharpens iron, ...

I get all that but it's not me. Attending a men's group would be torture. I'd rather have a root canal. I never talk to anyone at church beyond some minor polite conversation. Being a single guy also limits conversations as most of the church are married couples and single guys are not their first preference for conversations.

I recently had a "meet and great" date with a single woman my age. We had a lot in common and the time started out great. Eventually, she shared how close she is to her local sister and how she and her sister hang out a lot along with her sister's husband and their mom who is also local. She has friends too but I could tell her social circle was those three. She was trying to figure out if I would fit into her life. She began asking questions about my social life and family. She finally concluded I was not a group person and asked if that was so. I confirmed it and then she asked about small groups of 3-4. I said that is much better and said I do that at times. She then asked if I was more of a one-on-one person. I admitted I was. That was the turning point in our meeting. She was still super nice but I could tell that took the wind out of her sails. She needed a man who would happily participate in her little group with her family and enjoy it nearly as much as she. She could tell I would prefer to mostly do things with just her although ok with the group at times. She was simply too used to spending time in her group. She later texted me that she decided to "take a break from dating" but would keep my number and maybe sometime would invite me on a bike ride. I think she was being polite. I just wasn't social enough for her which is absolutely a fair and good observation. I won't normally even approach women I know who are really close to family and friends and have a lot in the area. Hanging out with family a lot, holidays, birthdays, nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc, is not something I would want a steady diet of. All good things but too much for me. I have spent the vast majority of birthdays and holidays alone the past 15 years and am just fine with it.

I won't rule out a future relationship but I know it will take just the right person.

 

[SIMPLE IS GOOD]

Nothing wrong with being single in this life.

 

[returntosender]

The moral of this thread IMHO is be happy where you're planted. If it happens, good. If it doesn't, good. Don't stress it.

 

[He is Worthy]

Maybe Single Dude is too busy with his life to get married IMHO like most single people out there.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

I have a well-meaning Christian sister who is always encouraging me to be more active in my church. I totally get where she is coming from but I am not like her and her husband. They are super plugged into their church. They are involved in all kinds of ministries. Steve, her husband, loves the men's group and meeting guys for coffee and the like. Naturally, they feel I must suffer from being isolated and not plugged in like they are. You need support, accountability, iron sharpens iron, ...

I get all that but it's not me. Attending a men's group would be torture. I'd rather have a root canal. I never talk to anyone at church beyond some minor polite conversation. Being a single guy also limits conversations as most of the church are married couples and single guys are not their first preference for conversations.

I recently had a "meet and great" date with a single woman my age. We had a lot in common and the time started out great. Eventually, she shared how close she is to her local sister and how she and her sister hang out a lot along with her sister's husband and their mom who is also local. She has friends too but I could tell her social circle was those three. She was trying to figure out if I would fit into her life. She began asking questions about my social life and family. She finally concluded I was not a group person and asked if that was so. I confirmed it and then she asked about small groups of 3-4. I said that is much better and said I do that at times. She then asked if I was more of a one-on-one person. I admitted I was. That was the turning point in our meeting. She was still super nice but I could tell that took the wind out of her sails. She needed a man who would happily participate in her little group with her family and enjoy it nearly as much as she. She could tell I would prefer to mostly do things with just her although ok with the group at times. She was simply too used to spending time in her group. She later texted me that she decided to "take a break from dating" but would keep my number and maybe sometime would invite me on a bike ride. I think she was being polite. I just wasn't social enough for her which is absolutely a fair and good observation. I won't normally even approach women I know who are really close to family and friends and have a lot in the area. Hanging out with family a lot, holidays, birthdays, nieces, nephews, grandkids, etc, is not something I would want a steady diet of. All good things but too much for me. I have spent the vast majority of birthdays and holidays alone the past 15 years and am just fine with it.

I won't rule out a future relationship but I know it will take just the right person.

Men like this typically seek out foreign women to date and marry, because typically foreign wives have no problem being one-on-one types.

I think this explains why I've seen some dating profiles of women that say, "He MUST have friends!" So that he wouldn't be 100% focused on her.

Which is funny, because where I live, this is mostly the case. As soon as people her get married, they completely focused on their own family and don't really have many friends to hang with. When they have kids, this is especially the case.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Men like this typically seek out foreign women to date and marry, because typically foreign wives have no problem being one-on-one types.

I think this explains why I've seen some dating profiles of women that say, "He MUST have friends!" So that he wouldn't be 100% focused on her.

Which is funny, because where I live, this is mostly the case. As soon as people her get married, they completely focused on their own family and don't really have many friends to hang with. When they have kids, this is especially the case.

Maybe, but I have also found foreign women who place a high value on family and expect that you are very active with yours. I have never dated a foreign woman so this is just from impressions talking to a few. It would be hard for me to fall for a foreign woman. I need time to really get to know someone and be around them regularly to see how I feel. You can't easily do that with a foreign woman. She's not local and it might be a big commitment to help her be local. I would not bring someone here from another country just to see if I liked being around them. That's not a decision I can make on a week-long trip or visit. That would take a gradual build-up of time spent together over months.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Maybe, but I have also found foreign women who place a high value on family and expect that you are very active with yours. I have never dated a foreign woman so this is just from impressions talking to a few. It would be hard for me to fall for a foreign woman. I need time to really get to know someone and be around them regularly to see how I feel. You can't easily do that with a foreign woman. She's not local and it might be a big commitment to help her be local. I would not bring someone here from another country just to see if I liked being around them. That's not a decision I can make on a week-long trip or visit. That would take a gradual build-up of time spent together over months.

Well, my friend made it work, and it took the course of a year and several visits to Morocco to court her. People were wondering WHO was taking the photos of him at the sites and it was her. She was never in the photos...at least during the dating period. I suppose a year was long enough, I would agree.

Then one day he addressed the questions about that, and said he announced his engagement to her. Not only that, he had a video montage posted of him out with her, and the big day where he got on one knee...in front of her family and proposed. "She said yes!" it said in the video. He even got permission from the parents.

Now it's a matter of time of paperwork, and getting her moved to this country. (Fiance' visa)

He's in his mid-40s, never married, no kids...and he mentioned how he decided to really take this dating to marriage thing in more earnest than ever. I thought it was true, he's not getting any younger.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Well, my friend made it work, and it took the course of a year and several visits to Morocco to court her. People were wondering WHO was taking the photos of him at the sites and it was her. She was never in the photos...at least during the dating period. I suppose a year was long enough, I would agree.

Then one day he addressed the questions about that, and said he announced his engagement to her. Not only that, he had a video montage posted of him out with her, and the big day where he got on one knee...in front of her family and proposed. "She said yes!" it said in the video. He even got permission from the parents.

Now it's a matter of time of paperwork, and getting her moved to this country. (Fiance' visa)

He's in his mid-40s, never married, no kids...and he mentioned how he decided to really take this dating to marriage thing in more earnest than ever. I thought it was true, he's not getting any younger.

I know it can work but I have also heard stories. My sister had a friend who fell in love with a woman in Russia with a young boy. He traveled to Russia and met her in person. I think maybe two times. They talked quite a bit. Finally, they agreed that she and her son would come to America to be with him. He bought their tickets but right before their trip here she called to say her son was very sick. He needed to be hospitalized but she did not have insurance or the money needed. He ended up sending her money for his care. After a few weeks, he was and they replanned the trip. He was waiting for them at the airport but they never showed. He never heard from her again or could reach her. In total, he had given her $50,000. Was he foolish to give so much money? I would say yes but he loved her and truly thought her son was ill. He could have flown over there to verify but I'm sure she made the need seem urgent. That's the risk in these situations. The person is too far away to easily check on the truthfulness of their stories.

Personally, I would need a gradual increase in time spent together to make that type of decision. Trying to do so over the phone and with a couple of visits would be very difficult. Part of that is me. I am not used to living with someone so gradually spending more and more time together would be needed for me to see how I felt. Many people already know they are ok with that and would not need the same build-up I would need.