(WALL OF TEXT AHEAD, I TRULY NEED HELP, I MEAN IT AND PLEASE DON'T BE DISCOURAGED BY THE AMOUNT OF TEXT, INSTEAD INTERPRET THIS AS PROOF THAT I'M IN ENOURMOUS SUFFERING)
(I consider myself quite skilled at english, but portuguese is my main language and mistakes are to be expected in this text. Please be forgiving)
I know we should follow the commandments, without exception. I try to follow 'em all, I know I'm not perfect, but most of the time I can follow them no problem.
But there's one who makes me very concerned about my faith, the "honor father and mother" one. Honoring mom is no problem, she's one of the kindest i've ever met. The issue is "honoring father"... I can't do it. Sorry, it's like a condition, I can't do that. I know that God wants me to do that, but... Couldn't we make an exception here? Can God understand my struggle?
You're probably thinking: "Oh dear, fathers can be harsh sometimes, when you grow up you'll understand". No. You don't get it. You don't know him, you don't know what he did, what he does neither who he is, you have absolutely NO IDEA of how ****** he is. No joke, he's probably the worst people I had the unpleasure to meet, and I mean it. You might be shocked by what I'm saying, you might think I'm being ridiculous and disrespectful. Again: You have no idea of who he is, or you wouldn't be thinking that. He's simply the prime example of what NOT to do as a PERSON (note I didn't even bothered to say "dad", I said "person" because he not only failed as a father, but as a human being overall).
I'll start by what bothers me the less: He's extremelly annoying and has a habit of forcing himself onto people he meets in a failed attempt of being accepted, but the truth is, no one likes him. His awful taste of humor, bad hygiene and manners scares away even little kids, who he likes to grab, hug and talk spitting to even when the kid is clearly not appreciating it at all.
He's highly uneducated, makes a mess on the kitchen and expects everyone to be ok with that. Also, when he messes up (everytime) and drops something on the ground, either by stumbling with the thing or whatever, he says "it was a setup", that "someone put it there just so he would stumble on it". He bought his academic degree, proof of it is his extremely poor grammar, always asking someone if he typed something incorrectly (he always do), and when I said "if you can't spell anything without making at least 5 mistakes, how did you get employed?" he got EXTREMELLY TRIGGERED, assaulted my in a furious rage state and screamed at me like the ****bag he is. And this isn't just baseless conjecture, I heard my drunken uncle say it out loud in a family dinner "he bought his degree". After that, my father rushed at me and sweared that it was a lie. Later then, I secretly asked my mom if she knew the truth, and at no surprise on my end, she confirmed me that he indeed illegally bought his degree.
This might be redundant, but I still have to say: He lies a lot. Lies of all sizes, all over the place and about nearly everything. Usually about his dirty little secrets, of course. When i was a kid, the lies were mostly about something I learned from someone but he highly disagreed. A fine example would be when I was 7 and I asked him if I could purchase an Spongebob Squarepants videogame, and he said that the brazillian government had prohibited the commerce of Spongebob Squarepants-related media, because Spongebob WAS GAY. I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP, I'M NOT. I HAVE NO REASON TO LIE TO PEOPLE WHO I'M ASKING HELP TO (you guys). He literally said that. I guess I can skip detailing that he's an homophobe and a sexist, because that part pretty much covers it up. Just as a little bonus, he has no respect for women in the streets, when I was a little boy he would teach me sex-related badmouthed words and push me towards random women in the streets, probably as a mean to "educate my masculinity", or whatever the heck he wanted. He also would point his finger towards gay couples in the streets and say: "Hey Douglas, look at those dirty pricks, these sick *****. They have mental issues", he would say.
He's a fake believer, often joining churches and introducing himself to christian communities as a Christian, when in reality he just "thinks" he believes in God, he tricks himself into thinking that he believes in God when in reality he is as putrid as i've described him until now plus many more stuff. And he does NOT regret any of this stuff, he developed a self-defense mechanism on his brain that finds a justification for every **** he does, sometimes feeling a little of fake remorse but never actual regret, because he forgets the **** he's done just as much as he does them. Being socially rejected as he is, it didn't come as a surprise he would seek a christian community to satisfy his social needs, but to use them as a simple mean to socialize and not truly follow the law of God, i didn't think he would go that far, even knowing how selfish he is.
He offers help to people just to rub it on their faces in the future. Always expecting - and sometimes demanding - something in return, usually recognizement and to be honest, most of the times the person didn't even ask for help. In the new year, my friends united here at my room, he broke in the door without being invited, sat on my bed and started chatting with my friends, who gave him some response just because he lived here, they felt it was wrong to ignore a man while being in his house. He offered himself to drive at 00:00 and buy pizza with money he couldn't spend (he was unemployed at the time and still is) just to try and get some prestige from my friends, who definetly didn't even answer if they wanted it, he just rushed to the car and bought the pizzas. That day, he did a SERIES of ***** stuff, but i won't go in detail because I don't know if I can make this short enough for everyone to read.
As a kid, he would shove gifts into my face and later "demand" respect from me just because he bought me some stuff to play with, as if he wanted to BUY my respect, respect that he never deserved, being the ****** **** he is, ever since I was born. If he truly deserved it, I would have respected him even without the material stuff he got me (and I got rid of later in time, just to make sure he can't use the gifts as an argument anymore).
He cheated on my mom when I was 10, and he spoke about it with me just fine, as if it was the right thing to do, as if he was correct on doing it. My mom discovered it a little bit later, and I happened to find a used panty on his backpack while I was searching for an SD Card so I could show it to my mom, but we still live together because mom and him both have rights regarding our house. My mom is building another one so she can move out later, tho, and of course, she's sleeping in a different room. The woman he's been cheating my mom with is gone as well.
That's all I CAN REMEMBER RIGHT NOW. I'm 100% sure there's more, but I don't remember it. And I've tried my best to tell him that I want distance from him, that I don't ever want to see him again, I've explained everything I dislike about him and clarified that he's the worst person that I've met. But he never gets it. It is as if he thinks I'm joking, maybe, on his head, he's thinking like: "Oh, no. He's my son, he can't be serious about that, he doesn't really mean he hates me, right? Maybe by tomorrow he will have already forgotten about that and will begin treating me as a friend again". But I always stated it as clear as I could, with words, punches in the face, kicks and pranks, but he NEVER gets it. He pretends he understood, but 1 day later and then he's already directing his word at me once more, as if nothing happened the day before, as if we didn't fight, as if we didn't swear each other, he's just ******** as a donkey.
And it got me insane. I've punched and ripped my pillow, I kick my bed, I punch the air, I close my teeth and it's all because of him. All of the times I did that was with him inside my head. I started to be afraid of interacting with people because I feared I would randomly enter a fury state in public if my mind thought of him for a moment.
I've thought of killing him.
Multiple times, I came up with plans, methods of covering it up and all sorts of things. It affected me that much, and the ONLY thing that stopped me of ending his life was my religion, which does not allow me to take anothers life.
Please, help me. I can take any kinds of help, be it emotional, logical or whatever. I just don't know how to deal with that anymore, of course I can study, get a job and move very far from here with my mom, but
Will I last that long?
I definetly don't know.
And on top of that: According to the commandments, God still expects me to honor, greet and appreciate this... Specimen. I'm actually trying to be optimistic, and expect that God understands me and make an exception for my case. But if He truly wants me to honor my father above all those circumstances... As much as i am reluctant and unpleased to say that,
I believe i'm going to hell.
Of course, disobeying would not be my only sin, I make some slips every once and then, but it's nothing that I can't work on and fix with given time. This is.
And to make things worse, dad's going to hell, too! Meaning this torment will last to the ends of the eternity. I'm basically trapped in a lose-lose situation!
(I consider myself quite skilled at english, but portuguese is my main language and mistakes are to be expected in this text. Please be forgiving)
I know we should follow the commandments, without exception. I try to follow 'em all, I know I'm not perfect, but most of the time I can follow them no problem.
But there's one who makes me very concerned about my faith, the "honor father and mother" one. Honoring mom is no problem, she's one of the kindest i've ever met. The issue is "honoring father"... I can't do it. Sorry, it's like a condition, I can't do that. I know that God wants me to do that, but... Couldn't we make an exception here? Can God understand my struggle?
You're probably thinking: "Oh dear, fathers can be harsh sometimes, when you grow up you'll understand". No. You don't get it. You don't know him, you don't know what he did, what he does neither who he is, you have absolutely NO IDEA of how ****** he is. No joke, he's probably the worst people I had the unpleasure to meet, and I mean it. You might be shocked by what I'm saying, you might think I'm being ridiculous and disrespectful. Again: You have no idea of who he is, or you wouldn't be thinking that. He's simply the prime example of what NOT to do as a PERSON (note I didn't even bothered to say "dad", I said "person" because he not only failed as a father, but as a human being overall).
I'll start by what bothers me the less: He's extremelly annoying and has a habit of forcing himself onto people he meets in a failed attempt of being accepted, but the truth is, no one likes him. His awful taste of humor, bad hygiene and manners scares away even little kids, who he likes to grab, hug and talk spitting to even when the kid is clearly not appreciating it at all.
He's highly uneducated, makes a mess on the kitchen and expects everyone to be ok with that. Also, when he messes up (everytime) and drops something on the ground, either by stumbling with the thing or whatever, he says "it was a setup", that "someone put it there just so he would stumble on it". He bought his academic degree, proof of it is his extremely poor grammar, always asking someone if he typed something incorrectly (he always do), and when I said "if you can't spell anything without making at least 5 mistakes, how did you get employed?" he got EXTREMELLY TRIGGERED, assaulted my in a furious rage state and screamed at me like the ****bag he is. And this isn't just baseless conjecture, I heard my drunken uncle say it out loud in a family dinner "he bought his degree". After that, my father rushed at me and sweared that it was a lie. Later then, I secretly asked my mom if she knew the truth, and at no surprise on my end, she confirmed me that he indeed illegally bought his degree.
This might be redundant, but I still have to say: He lies a lot. Lies of all sizes, all over the place and about nearly everything. Usually about his dirty little secrets, of course. When i was a kid, the lies were mostly about something I learned from someone but he highly disagreed. A fine example would be when I was 7 and I asked him if I could purchase an Spongebob Squarepants videogame, and he said that the brazillian government had prohibited the commerce of Spongebob Squarepants-related media, because Spongebob WAS GAY. I'M NOT MAKING THIS UP, I'M NOT. I HAVE NO REASON TO LIE TO PEOPLE WHO I'M ASKING HELP TO (you guys). He literally said that. I guess I can skip detailing that he's an homophobe and a sexist, because that part pretty much covers it up. Just as a little bonus, he has no respect for women in the streets, when I was a little boy he would teach me sex-related badmouthed words and push me towards random women in the streets, probably as a mean to "educate my masculinity", or whatever the heck he wanted. He also would point his finger towards gay couples in the streets and say: "Hey Douglas, look at those dirty pricks, these sick *****. They have mental issues", he would say.
He's a fake believer, often joining churches and introducing himself to christian communities as a Christian, when in reality he just "thinks" he believes in God, he tricks himself into thinking that he believes in God when in reality he is as putrid as i've described him until now plus many more stuff. And he does NOT regret any of this stuff, he developed a self-defense mechanism on his brain that finds a justification for every **** he does, sometimes feeling a little of fake remorse but never actual regret, because he forgets the **** he's done just as much as he does them. Being socially rejected as he is, it didn't come as a surprise he would seek a christian community to satisfy his social needs, but to use them as a simple mean to socialize and not truly follow the law of God, i didn't think he would go that far, even knowing how selfish he is.
He offers help to people just to rub it on their faces in the future. Always expecting - and sometimes demanding - something in return, usually recognizement and to be honest, most of the times the person didn't even ask for help. In the new year, my friends united here at my room, he broke in the door without being invited, sat on my bed and started chatting with my friends, who gave him some response just because he lived here, they felt it was wrong to ignore a man while being in his house. He offered himself to drive at 00:00 and buy pizza with money he couldn't spend (he was unemployed at the time and still is) just to try and get some prestige from my friends, who definetly didn't even answer if they wanted it, he just rushed to the car and bought the pizzas. That day, he did a SERIES of ***** stuff, but i won't go in detail because I don't know if I can make this short enough for everyone to read.
As a kid, he would shove gifts into my face and later "demand" respect from me just because he bought me some stuff to play with, as if he wanted to BUY my respect, respect that he never deserved, being the ****** **** he is, ever since I was born. If he truly deserved it, I would have respected him even without the material stuff he got me (and I got rid of later in time, just to make sure he can't use the gifts as an argument anymore).
He cheated on my mom when I was 10, and he spoke about it with me just fine, as if it was the right thing to do, as if he was correct on doing it. My mom discovered it a little bit later, and I happened to find a used panty on his backpack while I was searching for an SD Card so I could show it to my mom, but we still live together because mom and him both have rights regarding our house. My mom is building another one so she can move out later, tho, and of course, she's sleeping in a different room. The woman he's been cheating my mom with is gone as well.
That's all I CAN REMEMBER RIGHT NOW. I'm 100% sure there's more, but I don't remember it. And I've tried my best to tell him that I want distance from him, that I don't ever want to see him again, I've explained everything I dislike about him and clarified that he's the worst person that I've met. But he never gets it. It is as if he thinks I'm joking, maybe, on his head, he's thinking like: "Oh, no. He's my son, he can't be serious about that, he doesn't really mean he hates me, right? Maybe by tomorrow he will have already forgotten about that and will begin treating me as a friend again". But I always stated it as clear as I could, with words, punches in the face, kicks and pranks, but he NEVER gets it. He pretends he understood, but 1 day later and then he's already directing his word at me once more, as if nothing happened the day before, as if we didn't fight, as if we didn't swear each other, he's just ******** as a donkey.
And it got me insane. I've punched and ripped my pillow, I kick my bed, I punch the air, I close my teeth and it's all because of him. All of the times I did that was with him inside my head. I started to be afraid of interacting with people because I feared I would randomly enter a fury state in public if my mind thought of him for a moment.
I've thought of killing him.
Multiple times, I came up with plans, methods of covering it up and all sorts of things. It affected me that much, and the ONLY thing that stopped me of ending his life was my religion, which does not allow me to take anothers life.
Please, help me. I can take any kinds of help, be it emotional, logical or whatever. I just don't know how to deal with that anymore, of course I can study, get a job and move very far from here with my mom, but
Will I last that long?
I definetly don't know.
And on top of that: According to the commandments, God still expects me to honor, greet and appreciate this... Specimen. I'm actually trying to be optimistic, and expect that God understands me and make an exception for my case. But if He truly wants me to honor my father above all those circumstances... As much as i am reluctant and unpleased to say that,
I believe i'm going to hell.
Of course, disobeying would not be my only sin, I make some slips every once and then, but it's nothing that I can't work on and fix with given time. This is.
And to make things worse, dad's going to hell, too! Meaning this torment will last to the ends of the eternity. I'm basically trapped in a lose-lose situation!
