Alone again on the holidays

[BlondieLashes]

Ugghhh really struggling

I'm sorry Hun! What's going on?

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Just like stupid stuff. I've been really lonely lately. I met a guy at the club and like I thought we really related to each other. I hung out with him a lot and took my time with things to. I started to like him and once he got some he took off. I feel really embarassed that I was played so easily, stupid, depressed. I know it was dumb to even consider a guy I meet at work but I guess I don't really do or go anywhere else. It's hard being so alone. It's safe because things like this don't happen but it can be hard. I've started drink a lot because I'm just really down. I guess I had like 30 or more shots saturday night. I woke up at one of the girls who I work withs house. Were not even like friends I just was that bad I guess she knew I was never going to make it home. I'm scared that I'm drinking again. It all seems like it might be falling apart. I don't want that at all either.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Just sent you a PM!

 

[OnBrokenWings]

About to head to head to work...... Lets see how this goes..... I have been like cold sweating and craving a drink so, so bad...... I have to do my best to try and be strong and avoid it. Prayers appreciated if you have them to spare.

 

[BlondieLashes]

About to head to head to work...... Lets see how this goes..... I have been like cold sweating and craving a drink so, so bad...... I have to do my best to try and be strong and avoid it. Prayers appreciated if you have them to spare.

Didn't see this til this morning...still praying for you! How's it go?

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Thanks for praying Court! It went pretty good actually, better than expected. I gave Lauren her basket which she loved! It made me so happy she liked it. When I got to work I was pretty busy to start off the night. Started feeling like I needed to have a drink so I ended up having like 3 ugghh. Then I started dancing for this guy who was really nice. He was putting money down to keep me with him and we were mostly just talking. I told him how I was trying not to get hammered and he was really supportive and we talked about my issues a bit. He was just really nice so it was a much easier day. I didn't have to hustle and I actually had someone that wasn't trying to get me drunk or in my pants. A little worried about tonight though but we'll see what happens.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Great! I am so glad you had a good night! I am so happy you gave Lauren her basket and that she liked it! She sounds like a good person...hopefully a friend. I really wish I had done something like that in the situation I told you about.

I am so glad you were blessed with a good customer last night. That certainly takes a lot of the stress off...I remember. Well 3 drinks is better than 4! I will pray that you have a good night tonight and that you don't drink. Just remember you've got to drive home...

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Lauren does seem like a really good person. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better. She is working tonight so I will get to talk to her a bit. Ya what you told me really spurred me to do something for her.

I know I was really lucky. I didn't have the pressure to hustle for guys or deal with a jerk. You're very glass half full I like that! I haven't had any cravings to drink which is good. Of course it's much easier to say yes when it's in front of you. Ya driving home is always in the back of my head.

Hope your well.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Hey Sweetie! I have like 2 seconds, but I wanted to tell you I prayed for you last night and will be praying for you again tonight!

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Thanks Court! I had a pretty good night. Didn't drink so that makes it good in my book! Thanks for praying!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Thanks Court! I had a pretty good night. Didn't drink so that makes it good in my book! Thanks for praying!

Awesome!!!!!!!!!! I will keep praying for you!!!!!!!

 

[BlondieLashes]

How'd it go last night? Did you have to work?

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Thanks for keeping up with the prayer Court! I really appreciate it : ) I had to work Saturday night and last night. Saturday was kinda rough I got drunk. I wasn't smashed but I was feeling it. I had a few really annoying costumers to so it kind of made it hard all around. I might ask to get switched off Saturdays. I'm not sure mentally I can handle the amount of people that are at the club. It literally is packed. I am really nervous in crowds so I know part of me drinking is due to that.

Yesterday was fine though. It was pretty slow so I just did my thing and got out. I don't normally work Sundays but I like them. It's more my pace. I just have trouble when it's like people everywhere and all these people are coming at you for dances or trying to talk to you. I tend to either get really nervous or shutdown. Sunday it's more laid back and you kind of do what you want to do.

How are you doing Court? How's your son?

 

[BlondieLashes]

Awww Hun...I wish you didn't have a bad Saturday. You sound so much like me when I was ready to quit the industry. I was drinking and using more than I ever had and I was having a ton of trouble with crowds. I actually switched to days and then to a different club (that was slower) right before I quit. I totally understand about being nervous in crowds. To this day I hate to have anyone behind me. I find myself always wanting to have my back to a wall if I can.

Are you thinking of getting out soon... I know it's not that easy, but it sounds like you are really struggling.

Have you talked to Lauren any more? Does she seem like she may turn out to be a friend or is it hard to tell?

I'm doing alright... My son is having some issues though which of course has me worried. He has allergy induced Reactive Airway Disease and has to have some blood work done tomorrow and I am dreading it. He does not do well with having his blood drawn (he's only 4 1/2 so it scares him) and I am worried about driving to the hospital. It's like 1/2 hour away and we are having high wind advisories. I hate driving out here anyway so this is making it tougher, but I know we have to do it.

 

[paul becke]

Hello Elizabeth

All our lives are messy, but some are more fraught with suffering than others, though I get the impression that, despite your misgivings, "your shoulders are pretty broad". If you want to believe in God again, then you have already found him, since it is he who inspires us to seek him. In a real sense, He has found you again.

I think the ultra personal relationship God has with each one us, his very personal loving care (I mean about heaven rejoicing), tends to be skimmed over without comment , when people comment on parables such as Lost Sheep, Prodigal Son, etc., the word, "lost" not necessarily primarily or exclusively bearing the eschatalogical sense. Not just about conversion and return to the fold of the maverick). But I think you know God is aware of the factors, pressures, etc, that can lead young people down a difficult path. I don't believe that in his eyes, you ever really left Him to be honest, no matter what craziness you got involved in.

I think it would be helpful for you to spend time pondering on what you really want, and how best to go about it, what actions you need to take and when: a plan. The longer you delay doing that, the more you chance there is that you will want to find solace in drink and return to a vicious circle. One of our primary vocations as human beings and Christians, whether formal or informal, is to draw order out of chaos; and it's always incremental, of course, starting in a small way. Like the proverbial mustard seed.

I suspect that you also need some beauty in your life. My first thoughts turned to Aldous Huxley's The Perennial Philosophy - an essay on comparative religion, with some absolutely beautiful quotes. Then I thought of St Augustine of Hippo's "Confessions" (I believe meant in some kind of philosophical sense, rather than "fessing up" sort of thing.) Though he does speak of his earlier womanising life. You may know that he was the lad who said, "O God make me pure, but not just yet." Which, I think generally resonates a lot more with us more libidinous males than with women, apart from perhaps a brief period in their younger days. Anyway, the point I was getting at was that he writes so beautifully. I've read passages from it on the Net, but I don't think any translation would match that of the Penguin version by R S Pine-Coffin (strange name!):

http://www.penguin.co.uk/nf/Search/...ons of Saint Augustine,00.html?id=confessions of Saint Augustine

Talking, I believe about the faith, he wrote, "Late have I loved the O thou beauty, ever ancient, ever new! Late have I loved thee." But many of the classics of more or less modern literature, from the 19th century onwards, are outstanding for the depth of compassion the author reveals in himself, and you think, "Wow. What it must have been like to know him!".

If I were you, I would also drop into a Catholic church, any church for that matter, and just sit there, to feel a sense of peace. If you decide to go to Mass again, you could look into the possibility of that church having a Singles Club, where you could meet people, maybe a future spouse. If not, ask the priest if he knows of one that does. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that if it had any appeal to you, at least, until you feel you've stabilised your daily life, you might get a live-in job as a cook/housekeeper for the priest or priests. Maybe the church or an associated convent might run various clubs, where you could meet people who could reasonably be trusted to the extent of, at least, as talking with them.

Just make up a mythical job if they ask you, as some of the old girls might not be as sympathetic as the priest or nuns. I'm teaching you common sense here, where, on reflection, I'm sure you've probaly got more sense in your little finger than I have in my noddle. Well, my wife would be surprised if you hadn't. But maybe you're too stressed most of the time to see as clearly as you would in a less feral and vicious society. The UK's not far behind. Worse in some ways, but we still have some kind of a welfare state. Not that Cameron won't do his worst to destroy it, given the chance.

Anyway, Elizabeth, these are just some ideas that have occurred to me, though, as regards those books you may well have read them.

Every best wish to you.
Paul

PS: Why not pray to St Joseph from time to time. He even has a Memorare.

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Thanks Court! Ya it was just to many grabby costumers and to much temptation to drink on Saturday. I mean I understand if you get a dance you're going to want to touch me but just within reason you know? Then you have the guys that just walk up and grab some part of you when you're standing around with your back turned doing something else. Those guys just drive me crazy. They make me not like having my back to a crowd either. I really relate Court. It's so hard even going grocery shopping because people are all around. I just would rather not be around many people you know? I wouldn't be opposed to just being around my dogs all the time and just going out as few times as possible you know?

I'm struggling but I don't think I can get out just yet. I don't have a clue really what I would do if I got out. It's so hard for me to be around people not sure if I ever could handle a real job. It's just tough you know? I want to leave but realistic to know myself well enough to know I struggle in dealing with new situations and people.

I've talked to Lauren a few times actually! I think we might become friends. I feel for her a lot. I just found out she has a son who is actually deaf. He stays with family nights she strips. I guess there is a lot of issues with the father to. She's in school and just going through a lot. She's a really good person. I'm glad I have had the oppurtunity to talk to her.

Awww poor little guy! I have Asthma so I can kind of relate. Uggghhh ya I remember getting shots when I was a little kid! Not fun! How did it go with him? Was the driving okay? Hope it went well!

Hi Paul nice to get your input!

I know a bit about St Augustine my brother actually took it as a conformation name. I think I find him to be one of the more relatible saints. I like having different types of books around the house so I'm going to order the Confessions and give it a read.

I've had to have pretty broad shoulders. I think if I didn't I wouldn't be here and probably would be dead or in jail or something. I quit drugs and did a lot of things without help. Then again I have my major faults like not being able to be social. It's tough, it's so hard to try and put things together and be as good as I know I can be.

I do agree that I need some sort of plan. I need something meaningful in my life I know. I don't really know what though? I have to think..... Even if it's small just one thing to do that's meaningful. Perhaps it's go to a catholic church and just be at peace for a time. LOL on the sense comment. The stress gets to me at times I know. I have to do a better job of dealing with it and not letting it rule me.

Thanks Paul! Sorry I wasn't able to write more I am like falling asleep but wanted to reply and let you know I appreciate the letter. I think I might say a prayer. It's been awhile and couldn't hurt.

 

[BlondieLashes]

I totally understand about the grabby guys. I really do. It makes it so difficult. I feel for you so much. That's more than a human being should have to deal with at work. Lol about just wanting to be around your dogs. You sound like me. I still have a really hard time getting out and it's been over 10 years!

Wow. I understand about not knowing what you would do or how you would handle a real job... I hate to say it, but you probably should have a back up plan in the back of your mind. Just start thinking about what you could do if you left the industry. You can't strip forever (youth fades for everyone). If I could do it all over I would have had a back up plan. Now's the time to maybe consider going back to school and saving your money as much as possible. Gosh I sound like a Mom....sorry!

Great that you've talked to Lauren a few times! Sounds like she could use a friend too. That has to be hard for her having a son that is deaf. I can't imagine having to support a child while being in the industry. That always breaks my heart to hear about single moms with no way out.

I didn't know you have asthma! The blood draw and shot actually went well once he was having it done. He really was worried and scared before he went in, but when it came down to it he did really well. I did okay driving. I just hate driving out here. I am still an Orange County girl used to the big, wide roads. Out here the drive to anything is far and the roads are narrow. I hate it...

Anyway...good to hear from you and I am still praying for you girl.

Lots of love,

Court

 

[paul becke]

Hi Elizabeth

It was good to hear from you. I was thinking it might have been presumptuous of me sticking my nib in. And pleased you could see some sense in my post, despite my good lady wife's appalling cynicism.

But isn't that a good a part of the attraction between the sexes? We think you're mad, and you think we're completely mad. I was talking to a lady on the phone the other day about a retired marine general she knew, who'd died in his nineties, but every year had invited fellow, model-train enthusiasts to some sort of get-together relating to this model railway he had in his garden. And I was glad my wife wasn't listening, as she thinks we never really grow up, and it might have given her some ammunition.

When she's on the phone to another woman, I sometimes hear the term, His Lordship, uttered by her, and I have an ugly suspicion that it's an ironic reference to me. Still, it does have a certain ring to it... and on balance I feel there's more to be said for it than against it.

There's a female Kiwi MP who knitted the whole time, during the reading of some important Bill in their parliament, which really got up the noses of her male colleagues. Apparently, they reproached her quite bitterly. You know what the reply of the insolent hussy was? "You're only jealous because you can't multitask!"

Back on a more serious note, do you have other siblings or just that brother? Do you keep in touch? It might be nice to rebuild some bridges, as the way the economy seems likely to keep on tanking, community is likely to be the best protection for everyone. But it would be nice, anyway, if maybe your parents had changed a little for the better.

Maybe you'd find a reasonably good job sooner than most. You do give the impression of being someone bank managers and bosses prefer to put their faith in, i.e with a kind of managerial capacity (a practical person, even apt for multitasking...). It's a long shot, but why not write to John Grisham, tell him your problems and ask him if he has a proper job vacancy he needs filled, and if so, would he consider you. He's a devout man and even does missionary work, I believe.

I think your main problem is getting a viable job, in order to be independent, isn't it? Since, as Courtney, I believe, said, the trauma you suffer seems to be a normal healthy reaction to a stressful, unhealthy environment. It reminds me a bit of that post traumatic stress disorder that many vets suffer. Not something the conscious mind can easily to get a grip on. Positive experience over time is needed, I expect.

Hope things start looking up pretty soon. With the prayers of Courtney and the other kind souls on here - not to speak of this limey - I'm sure they will.

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Hey Court,

Glad you don't think I am a crazy dog lady lol! It's just so hard for me to get the motivation or the comfort to go outside. It's really hard not feeling safe all the time. I have 4 locks on my doors and locks on all my windows because I am so afraid of the outside. Sorry you can relate : (

I just have no clue what I would do. It stinks really. I am just so limited by what I know I can handle or not handle mentally. I know though that I need a back up plan and need to think about leaving. Not really sure how or if I can even get myself social enough to even get a real job. I know that I can't strip forever. 10 or 15 years at the most and I know I mentally can't handle that long. I'm gonna think a bit about what I might be good at or want to do though. I'm not to proud to admit that I am not in a sustainable situation. I just get so nervous and scared around people it's hard to ever think about being normal enough to deal with them on a daily basis. I know I do now but I just do it because I work 15 - 20 hours a week and can sustain myself. If I had to get a real job I would have to work way more and the lights would be on lol. It's just different.

Lauren seems like she needs a friend. I just feel bad for what she has to go through on a daily basis. She's in school, works another job, all the family issues, plus having to deal with all the special needs of her son. It's just sad to see a good person like her having to do all the stuff us dancers do just to provide for her son. I think I might invite her here. Not sure if she has a place to kind of vent.

Ya my Asthma can be tough during certain times of the year. I hate having an attack so I can relate to your son a bit. I'm glad he was brave! I'm sure it makes it much easier for you to. I grew up on the east coast which has really narrow road unlike here in Colorado. I find sun glasses with thick frames make it easier to focus on the narrow roads. I use to wear them even in the dark lol.

Good to hear from you to! I really like talking to you and am so glad you're praying for me : )

Love you to Court!

Paul,

Awww sorry to cause some friction between you and your wife. Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars! I don't understand men at all but then again I don't understand most girls.

I have a sister besides my brother. I don't talk to any of my family. I don't even have there numbers or anything. My sister was awful to me growing up and I would never want to talk to her again. My brother and I got along well enough but when I started stripping he called me every bad name he could think of. My parents and I really don't get along at all either. My dad was physically abusive and he and my mom were emotionally abusive. They didn't care about me at all really. I was sexually assaulted by an older boy when I was 14 and they didn't believe me. They thought I was just looking for attention. I was a "troubled" teen but I don't know how you just don't believe your daughter?

I'm glad you think I seem I can be trusted. I just don't know if I ever will be out of this rut and be able to work a 9 - 5. Finding a good job I can handle is part of the problem. I have some other big ones but that's a main one. Positive experiences are needed in a big way.

Thanks Paul!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Yeah Hun I can relate. I made my husband get an alarm system on the house even though we are in a "good" area and I use it even during the day. It's PTSD at it's finest unfortunately. When you've been attacked and abused it's hard to feel safe.

Just an idea, but I know most dancers are very creative type people - would you ever consider something like photography? It can be a great hobby to start with and then it may even blossom into a good career. You may not have to deal with people very much either... just an idea.

You made me laugh when you said..."and the lights would be on"... It's funny how we get used to the darkness and even find comfort in it. Yep...10-15 years in the business is a long time. My husband spent 16 years in the business.

That would be great if you invite Lauren here. She may be needing a place to vent like you say!

I am so sorry you can relate to my son. I can't imagine how hard it is not to be able to breathe. It scares the heck out of me every time it happens with him.

On a different note, I think I may have made a friend yesterday. I met another Mom at the park and we got to talking because our sons are the same age and lo and behold she is a former escort. It's weird how that happens sometimes. I have a hard time trusting people though so we'll see how this goes.

Keep me posted as to how you're doing okay?