Alone again on the holidays

[OnBrokenWings]

Court,

They were okay to me at the club. They weren't mad at me for it but they kept asking if I could stay. I just couldn't my makeup looked horrid and I just couldn't stop crying and I needed air you know? I'm sorry you get them to : ( I get them when I feel really overwhelmed or scared, usually both.

Ugghh the grabbing! I work at the touchiest grabbiest club I have ever worked at in my life. I just about took this guys hand off the other day. I was talking to a costumer and this disgusting nasty old guy grabbed me from behind and I just wheeled around and almost ripped his wrist off lol. I just don't like feeling like any person can touch me I try and keep a little dignity. It's hard though certainly.

I will certainly check her website out and look into it. That sounds like a support I would be interested in. I don't like pushy type supports they usually just stress me out or turn me off. I will say a little prayer today and see how it makes me feel.

Merry Christmas to you to! I should be on before then I like talking to you to : )

Cathy,

Thank you so much! The first part of what you wrote made me tear up.

That's actually a really good idea about trusting people. It's hard for me to feel safe around people or like they don't just want to hang out with me to get with me. I didn't use to be like this I really hate it. I do know what you mean though about the trust coming. I just need to find a place where I could make some friends.

I lost 2 people I was really close friends with and after that I really started to isolate more then I tended to already in the first place. I slowly withdrew more and then I moved out here to Colorado and nobody really knew me and the phone just didn't need to ring. That's a good idea about going to Church. I have Christmas off and not a whole lot to do so I will check one out. I will look up where A Catholic church in my area is.

The future is scary for me. I use to have a plan to get out of stripping but I ended up getting to anti-social to ever put it into place. I will really start to think about what I like to do and would make money at while I have some time off.

Thanks so much Cathy!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Liz,

I cannot describe how much I relate to what you wrote. Unfortunately I now get panic attacks sometimes when I have to drive a bit of a distance...long story- we moved from CA to the midwest and I hate it here. The roads are just so different and people drive so differently. It's my own issues, but I relate. I never had panic attacks in the clubs, but I can imagine how hard that would be. Uggh! They wanted you to stay!?! Don't you just love the compassion! It's just because it's all about the money- it was busy and they needed the girls. I know how it works. I am so sorry.

I hated the grabbing soooooooooo much. I know it's hard for people who have never been in the situation to understand. They think, "Well, that's what you're there for, right?" But even dancers have feelings and boundaries!

Yeah, check out Treasures. Harmony is soooooooo not pushy. That's one of the things I love about her.

I will be praying for you sis. I like talking to you too!

Court

 

[BlondieLashes]

Liz,

Thinking of you...Merry Christmas!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Liz....How was your Christmas? Did you make it to mass?

 

[Catherineanne]

Cathy,

Thank you so much! The first part of what you wrote made me tear up.

That's actually a really good idea about trusting people. It's hard for me to feel safe around people or like they don't just want to hang out with me to get with me. I didn't use to be like this I really hate it. I do know what you mean though about the trust coming. I just need to find a place where I could make some friends.

I lost 2 people I was really close friends with and after that I really started to isolate more then I tended to already in the first place. I slowly withdrew more and then I moved out here to Colorado and nobody really knew me and the phone just didn't need to ring. That's a good idea about going to Church. I have Christmas off and not a whole lot to do so I will check one out. I will look up where A Catholic church in my area is.

The future is scary for me. I use to have a plan to get out of stripping but I ended up getting to anti-social to ever put it into place. I will really start to think about what I like to do and would make money at while I have some time off.

Thanks so much Cathy!

You are more than welcome. The reason you are feeling anti social is perfectly understandable; with the kind of people you describe, any sane and reasonable person would withdraw and hide. That all goes to show that there is nothing whatever wrong with you. Consider it this way; how terrible would it be if you enjoyed the company of those people? That doesn't bear thinking about! And it also shows you are in the wrong place at present, and need to find a way out.

Good luck with finding a church, and good luck with dusting down those plans for your future and starting to look again at how to make them happen. You can do it; you have a bright future ahead of you, and all you have to do is to find the way there; as long as you know where you are going, any journey can be borne.

Meanwhile, you know where I am.

 

[Catherineanne]

I hated the grabbing soooooooooo much. I know it's hard for people who have never been in the situation to understand. They think, "Well, that's what you're there for, right?" But even dancers have feelings and boundaries!

I think it would be unreasonable to expect the kind of men who frequent such places to understand boundaries. If they understood boundaries they would not want to spend their time staring at women they do not know, and feeding their own fantasies at someone else's expense.

The best thing I can suggest is to reduce them to objects, the same as they do to women. Do not consider yourself as groped by a human being, but see them as so many trees, and so many branches. In terms of intellectual ability, compassion and emotional connection, you will be about right. You can't make friends with trees.

When you are dancing, you are dancing alone in a forest. When you are taking off your clothes, there is nobody to see what you are doing. When you are touched, it is about as meaningful as a branch glancing off your arm.

These are not people, and so you do not need to be distressed by what they do or say or think. They are just so many trees. Real people are elsewhere, and will care about you. Real people will not want you to undress, but will rather want to wrap a big warm blanket around you, hand you a mug of hot chocolate and care for you. (It is cold here; can you tell?)

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Sorry I haven't been around my computer crashed made me so mad! I just bought it in July I think so it was under protection which was good. I've been alright other than that. Pretty busy actually which is surprising. I've become a new years resolution person and decided to try and lower my body fat from 14% to 10%. Gives me a chance to get out and do something and stay active. I usually would just work out at my house or run by myself. So we will see what happens.

Court,

Awww sorry you don't like driving! I don't really like it either. The weather is getting bad here and it makes me nervous to drive to. Driving in snow has always scared me I hate the feeling when you slide. Ya they were trying to get me stay because it was really busy. I just couldn't my makeup was destroyed and I couldn't breathe it just wasn't possible. I don't need money that bad you know.

People just assume I have no feelings or that I like being touched. It has gotten to the point I hate anyone touching me. It just gives me this huge nervous feeling when someone does. It's always at the most inconvenient times to like standing in a line or something.

Thanks for praying for me! My Christmas was alright didn't end up going to mass just stayed in.

Catherineanne,

Ya I try and just get in and out of the clubs. I don't usually get involved in the drama or get involved with the people out of work. I hate the way your treated. It's made me want to isolate myself in my own world so people don't get a chance to hurt me.

Ya I just can't expect guys to know boundaries. Most are drunk or high or just really creepy. It's just hard when it happens you know? It's just frustrating because I should expect it but I just don't like it.

 

[Catherineanne]

Sorry I haven't been around my computer crashed made me so mad! I just bought it in July I think so it was under protection which was good. I've been alright other than that. Pretty busy actually which is surprising. I've become a new years resolution person and decided to try and lower my body fat from 14% to 10%.

Active is good, but remember that the brain is mostly fat, and don't overdo it!

I'm sorry your computer crashed; that is a real pain. As for mass, however, there will be others; Epiphany is tomorrow, and Candlemas is on the way. Try again. And in the meantime, be good to yourself.

 

[Philippians4:13]

OnBrokenWings~
I read your posts and just had to reply to you. I hope you're doing better so far and I pray mostly that God (even though you don't believe) will provide you a way out and throw something better in your path.
I have never been a stripper, but honestly, my struggles have been the same as yours-just in a different way. I have been a very promiscuous person just about my entire life, which the only difference between me and a prostitute is instead of being paid for it with money, I am paid for it with the emotional attention. I feel so deeply in my heart for you, and I wish I were closer!! I actually used to live in Colorado-was stationed @ Ft Carson (near Colorado Springs) 10 years ago. That place is so beautiful! I don't mean to impose, but please msg me if you need to talk to someone. I am a good listener, and believe in prayer. May God hold you up and comfort you...

 

[BlondieLashes]

Awwwwwww...sorry your computer crashed. It's amazing how much we rely on these things isn't it?

You remind me of myself back in the day when I was obsessed with having low body fat. I did fitness competitions and worked out 6 days a week. I suppose it could be a positive addiction, just be careful. When your body fat gets that low you may start having other problems.

Driving in snow makes me absolutely terrified. I know I shouldn't be so much so, but with a child in the car it compounds my fear of something happening. It's hard to drive in weather.

I don't blame you for not liking being touched. Your space has been violated so much for so long. I am so sorry you are having to deal with that.

Did you do anything on New Year's? I didn't really. Just had a relaxing day with my little family- didn't even stay up til midnight as I knew my son would be waking me up around 6 am as usual.

Thanks for letting us know how you are doing! Hugs!

 

[New Creation]

Hi Liz, it's Paula again. sorry I haven't been around much to talk these days-busyness is almost a disease, you know?

Sorry to hear about your computer crashing- what a massive inconvenience. I'm not sure what I would do without mine!

I'm just staggered at the good advice Catherine Anne has given you and just want to reiterate it.

It's true- trusting people who use others for a living and for fun is a bad idea. We have to go to the right places and seek out those worthy of our trust. And even then, they have to earn it, don't they?

I want to add another suggestion to what Catherine Anne said. It really helped me expand my social network, even when I was still stripping. I did some volunteering and that really helped.

I DO think church is a better bet right now though. You will need people who will CARE for you, literally. I hope you find it.

When I was a kid, my parents were ridiculously strict as well and we had no communication at all so when they wanted us to go to church, I was NOT into it.

Years later after floating around as an agnostic and then a wiccan, I finally found peace with Christ as my guide and teacher. He has never led me wrong in the 8 years I've been walking with Him. I was a stripper for many many years and hard core into the culture so it's kind of a miracle that I got out and was given a new life. You are younger than I was, you're sober, and it's sounds like you're an intelligent woman with a sensitive heart and courage. You can get out and start a new life. You really can. If I can, anyone can.

Btw, I just became Catholic 2 years ago and I love the church very much now that I know what it is. I hated it back when I thought I knew what it was. Give it a shot Liz. Even if you just go by yourself one day, go to experience the peace. It is beautiful. You deserve such peace.

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Catherineanne,

Uggh finding middle ground has never been easy for me. I tend to overdue or just never do. It's a difficult problem to have...

How have you been?

Philippians,

Thanks so much! I am doing pretty good. I had a big cleaning day today so I feel like I was useful. Gonna start getting ready for work soon hopefully that doesn't ruin my day.

Ya I relate to that. I am not promiscuous these days but I was when I was younger. I just wanted to be anti whatever all these people who told me how to act were. Growing up wasn't very easy for me. I didn't have many friends and I just was different then most people. I tended to try and make friends by sleeping with them when I was in my teens. I got hurt all the time but it was my fault. Things started getting a bit better for awhile but then that crashed down to. I ended up a drug addict and binge drinker. Luckily I have been clean for a little while and I only drink from time to time.

Colorado Springs is really nice. I grew up east and kind of just traveled for awhile and moved here and fell in love with it here. I feel more at peace here than I have most anywhere else. Even though the winters are hard here there is a certain beauty in them that makes it more tolerable. Glad you liked it here to! We do seem to have a lot in common.

Thanks so much! Feel free to message me if you ever want to talk as well.

Court,

Ya it is! I get most of my news, music, all of that from the computer. You never really notice what you use it for til you don't have it.

I never really had the desire to compete I think I lack the competitive bone. That's awesome you did though. Ya I have heard it's a bit more difficult for women to maintain lower body fat. I will be careful.

I hardly feel like I have personal space. Have to remind myself I do half the time.

I worked New Years eve. New Years day I laid around and listened to music for half the day and went grocery shopping. It was nice I didn't have to work so I could just unwind. Never was much of a New Years person myself. If I didn't have to work I would either have not stayed up or not noticed lol.

How are you doing Court?

Paula,

Oh don't worry about it Paula. Ya seems you either have to much time or never enough time in a day right?

It's just hard for me to be in new situations. I would love to volunteer but I just get really nervous about meeting new people. It's so annoying to have social anxiety. You want to do stuff but it's so hard to do it. I wish I didn't get so anxious.

My family was very rigid as well. I just didn't listen I didn't care what they did to me after awhile. Most of what the family was built on either lies or smoke and mirrors so I just wanted to go away and meet own friends. Church for me was never viewed as a good thing. My parents were like you have no option but to go so I kind of viewed it almost as like this extension of my parents trying to wall me in. I moved out right when I turned 18 and started stripping and moved in with some friends I was in a band with. I wanted to be whatever my parents weren't so I turn to the darker sides of religion for awhile and that didn't get me anywhere either. Actually ended up worse off. Now I am more on the agnostic side of things I would say.

Congrats on finding what you wanted in life! Life is a journey I think and I am willing to try new new things so I would be open to giving Christianity a try. Thank you Paula! Hope to talk to you soon : )

 

[Catherineanne]

Catherineanne,

Uggh finding middle ground has never been easy for me. I tend to overdue or just never do. It's a difficult problem to have...

How have you been?

Up and down, as usual. Mostly down. But I'm ok. Trust me, you don't want to hear the soap opera that is my life.

As for what you describe, do you realise it could be a symptom of ptsd? Funny that. Trauma gives us a rush of adrenaline, and that causes us to either run away or freeze. I am like you; I freeze. I get so gripped by fear I can't do anything, and the thought of trying fills me with complete dread. So I do nothing.

As a result, I stay home, rarely go out, rarely see anyone, rarely do anything. I paint icons when I am well, but when I am not, I am too afraid even to do that.

It is all a symptom. It isn't me, because by nature I am afraid of nothing and no-one.

Here is one of mine. It is a vision of paradise, based on some lines from Dante, where he describes paradise as appearing before him like a white rose. I started another a year ago, but then stopped, because the fear got to me.

For a person with ptsd, perfect fear casts out love.

It's just hard for me to be in new situations. I would love to volunteer but I just get really nervous about meeting new people. It's so annoying to have social anxiety. You want to do stuff but it's so hard to do it. I wish I didn't get so anxious.

This is another possible symptom of ptsd. I am not a doctor, but I know what this kind of anxiety is like.

I wanted to be whatever my parents weren't so I turn to the darker sides of religion for awhile and that didn't get me anywhere either. Actually ended up worse off. Now I am more on the agnostic side of things I would say.

One funny thing about Christianity that I have learned over the years is that we sometimes describe ourselves in all sorts of ways, as if that describes our spirituality. In fact, all it describes is where we happen to be on our journey. Today I am a valley person, before that a foothills person, last year a mountain person. We think we have changed, but all that has changed is our location.

The Lord, on the other hand, does not define us by our journey, but by our hearts. He does not see three different versions of who we are; he sees one person, with integrity, on a journey home. Because whatever our direction, whatever our location at present, we are all heading home, towards him.

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Catherineanne,

Deffently know what the somewhat up mostly down feeling is like. Sorry you're having some trouble to.

Fear pretty much describes my life right now. I'm fearful of the outside world, fearful of guys at the club, fearful of what's happening to me. Most of what I do is done out of some sort of fear. Ya when I am confronted with conflict I literally freeze. When I had the panic attack I literally couldn't move I was frozen. I probably seemed crazy, well probably not even seemed. I know I hide away mostly out of fear.

I love your painting! I always felt Dante's writing makes a good transition from the pages to the physical. He was a very visual writter. I knew a girl who did a painting of each of the seven deadly sins as described by Dante. They were really amazing I thought. Our teacher didn't like them though. I really didn't expect him to like something that couldn't fit through a one size fits all artistic box.

I use to be really creative myself. I was in a band for awhile and we had a pretty decent degree of success. I actually started stripping so we could get the best possible equipment we needed and we would sound our best. I wrote just about all of the music and did most lyrics as well. Not exactly what my mom invisioned my music lessons going to lol. Our singer and lead guitarist were killed in car accident and it was devastating for us. We seemed to just be on the verge of something good. The three of us that were left kind of just tried to keep the band together but we couldn't. I quit dancing for awhile after that and tried to find myself and make sense of what happened and my life but by that point was a pretty bad addict (I was addicted to cocaine, heroin, and alcohol.)and it was just a mess. I tried to write music and couldn't and it was the fear you talked about that stopped me. Nothing came out or if it did I was to distracted to cultivate it. I had like 5 songs in different states of going to nowhere. The long and the short I ended up selling most of my studio equipment and instruments and going back to stripping. I still occasionly try to make a song but as you said the fear just grips me. I use to be able to write and record 2 to 3 songs a week.

I have thought that maybe I have PTSD for a little while but just never was sure enough to find out. Then again I am to afraid to go to a psycologist because it's a new thing. Funny I can drop my clothes at work but am to afraid to talk to someone. By nature I'm not really outgoing but I would say I am much more adventorous.

I agree that my fear does cast out love. You're so afraid of losing what you have you just think find it better to attach yourself to nothing.

I really like what you wrote at the end. It made a lot of sense to me. Thanks for taking the time to talk with me (Hug) I really appreciate it.

 

[jonahthesign]

Hi OnBrokenWings, I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story. You remind me alot of myself. I am a former stripper and it has traumatized me for life. It was 13 years ago that I did it but I have never forgotten it. Yours and everyone else who has shared a story on here is helping me. Thankyou so much and God bless you.

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Hi Jonah,

Sorry you can relate : ( It's a lonely life when your living it for sure. Glad I have helped you in a way with my story.

Best of luck!

I've been feeling really lonely lately. I've also been feeling really, really antisocial. It's just confusing really. I signed up for the gym but I got hit on a few times and that ended that I just work out at home still. I don't want peoples attention but it's not easy to go through the day alone day after day. My only socialization is either at work really. When I go out I just try and keep my head down. I am so afraid of what is outside the door it can be paralyzing. I know life shouldn't be like that.

I was talking to one of the managers at work and he asked when I could work and I said anytime because I didn't have anyone or anything else to do. He was just like "oh you're a throw away." and it's just had me thinking that I really kind of am. It's just made me sad. I can't exactly say this is where I wanted to be in my life. I have no one to even notice if I'm alive. I don't want like a million friends though either. I know I could make friends if I tried I just can't deal with people.

Sorry I'm a downer right now.

 

[New Creation]

Liz, I am so sorry for what you have had to go through. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to lose your two very close friends and band mates. Are you still friends with the other two who are remaining?

What that manager said to you today was wrong. You are NOT a throw away. You are a young woman who is trying to find herself. There are many like you. None are throw aways.

I was in a place like you too Liz. In a place where I was pretty sure if something happened to me, no one would know for months. Please know that it doesn't have to be forever.

I lost a friend today in a car accident. Strange, he was a musician too. His band mates must be reeling as you were. How long ago did it happen Liz?

 

[Beautiful_Things]

Liz,

I've lived the life you're living. You should go back and read my older posts I sound just like you. There in the private SOSI section not sure if you access? If you read them you will see I dealt with so many of the same problems. I tend to isolate myself to as a defense measure. It does make life confusing. You want to build a barrier between you and the rest of the world but at times you want to escape. I know that would eat at me all the time.

I've come to find that the reason I would hide away in the end was because I was avoiding things. I was avoiding having to deal with people, depression, my past. I've just started dealing with them this year and it's made life a whole lot better. I'm still dancing but I'm working to get out and with any luck I should be a month. It's only because I started dealing with my problems that I can even think about leaving.

You don't have to leave now or just turn and face all your problems but maybe start to think about things. Think about why you act the way you act? I know I wasn't a big go out person either but maybe try to get out of the house besides work once a day. Even if it's for a walk you know?

Best of luck girl! If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to PM me.

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Paula,

Thank you, it was really hard for a long time. I am in contact with one of the guys. We talk every 3 or 4 months or so. He lives back east and got a real job and cleaned up. It's nice to talk to him when I do. It reminds me of the old days and how it was. My other band mate I really don't know what happened to him. He kinda fell off the radar.

Being called a throw away just kinda hurt at the time. I'm over it and shouldn't be so sensitive. I worry sometimes that I'm never going to find myself and I'm just going to be like this forever. I feel so damaged at times.

Ya it's morbid to think that if something happened I wouldn't be found until I didn't pay my bills but it's the truth. I'm glad you were able to break that habit.

Really sorry to hear about your friend!

Beautiful Things,

Saw a few of your posts. Glad to see your family is doing well. I think I might isolate to protect myself. I've been hurt a lot and it's scary for me to be around people. If I don't have to be around people I won't be.

I have a ton of unresolved issues. I'm to scared of what could happen if I face them though that I just don't. It's not healthy I know. It started in my childhood and then kind of led me to drugs and then the other problems I have know. I feel like I'm always the bad person. My parents made me believe that. I go through life thinking everything is my fault.

I need to get out more. When it gets warmer maybe I will start getting out and getting fresh air.

 

[OnBrokenWings]

Ugghhh really struggling