Truths

[DragonFox91]

I don't have any criticism. Just something to add to what you are saying. I think the way to look at it is that a woman you are interested in is a human being. Not just someone to pursue to fill a void or desire in your life. So the way to really connect with someone (this applies to non-romantic friendships as well) is to really take an interest in them as a person who has feelings, thoughts, desires, etc. I would say it's about trying to form a connection with another individual where you actually take the time to get to know them and also to share with them who you are as a person. If there is some compatibility between the two of you, the bond will grow because of the shared interests and outlook on life. You don't want to force a connection. From a female perspective, I would share that I find I'm interested in a guy if he is genuine, doesn't put on a charade or act in a such away that he thinks will impress me, and shows a genuine interest in getting to know me. I think that winning someone isn't so much about making them see the desirable qualities in you, but more so that you are being kind to them and showing them that you are interested in them. No one wants to feel like they are just a statistic or someone who meets requirements on your list. Women do this too. They want a husband and a father for future children, and they try to find someone that they think can fit that role. That's missing the whole point of marriage and falling in love. You should be pursuing someone who you find genuinely interesting and are attracted to. Someone you actually like and want to spend time with. I think if a woman senses that a guy actually likes her for her personality and individual traits, that will make the woman feel more comfortable and special and happy to spend time with the guy Thoughtfulness and sincerity goes a long way.

Some people act genuine but really aren't. Or they think they know what they want but they don't. Or the interest in the other person is false. Even Christians struggle w/ these items. How do you think we can filter out the bad w/ false genuineness, or how have you filtered it out?
I will share first. I think honesty is important. When I say this, I'm not using it as a canned answer like it seems so often. Really share what you believe & think: Don't tell them what you think they want to hear. Don't be scared to ask the hard questions.
Also: Find out what their circle knows about them. This isn't the same as gossip. Maybe it should occur later in the dating process? But find out what has this person done, how they have acted, or how have they changed if they have acted poorly?

Those are the ones that stick out to me.

 

[DragonFox91]

Yeah, I said in a previous thread that it's not a numbers game. It's about meeting one person who you can truly connect with and pursue a life together. Also, even though it seems so simple and that any guy can do that much, the truth is most don't, lol. It's actually rarer than you would think that someone is sincere and puts out the effort to genuinely get to know someone and connect. I think this is even more important in Christian relationships. The goal of a Christian marriage is to share the same outlook on faith and life, and to be able to serve God together as a couple. You need to invest the time in having meaningful discussions with the other person to see if you match that way. Also, I don't believe a relationship should be the guy trying to cater to the woman's whims or doing things to win her approval. It should be give and take and that both are putting in the effort. If you are doing all the work to get to know someone that's a sign right there that this isn't a good fit.

I wouldn't say 'most don't.' It seems like most do, but the relationship ends up not working out. It's to date or to marry just so you can say you're dating or married.

It's interesting what you say about 'give & take.' A couple times I've said that to people, & they're like 'nope, you have to give everything, it's your duty.' I don't think they mean it in a way the partner's being abusive, but more like 'no, there's a lot more sacrifice than what you think.' Some have told me it's a give-and-take, tho. I wonder.......you're giving b/c you want to, not b/c you're expecting something. That kind of ruins the concept, but you will get stuff, most likely the good stuff you get, you weren't even expecting or didn't even think you need, b/c you want to give good stuff like that. You're not taking, your love is being reciprocated. Otherwise it's not love. I believe it works like that in a healthy relationship. Just like you want to recriprocate the love & joy God gives you. It all falls down from that.

I feel like people who say bad stuff about marriage, how hard it is, etc. ...... they just don't understand the concept of love & grace.

 

[DragonFox91]

God moving in BIG ways!

 

[DragonFox91]

Once you believe you've been assured by God TWICE, it's like, every time you want to worry about it, it just comes across as totally ridiculous, like worrying about a random wild bird not getting fed outside. It's not worth getting worked up about at all, & it gives you great joy.

 

[DragonFox91]

God is moving! God is doing big things! I asked, praying in Jesus' name & by his authority & power if he deems it, & it's happening. Fighting giants

 

[ReesePiece23]

Why you say that, Reese?

I'd think those would be the easiest b/c it's still exciting? I told my buddy you said that, he said it's b/c you're still adjusting to her routines (or his routines if you're woman here). I could see it b/c you're still building chemistry.

You've made significant progress since 2020. You actually sound attractive now, not just in the way you talk, but also in attitude.

Firstly, the excitement WILL strike you like a bolt of lightning - but as we all know, what goes up must come down. So in the time between seeing each other you'll experience a heavy comedown. She will too, by the way, because it's unfortunately how our brains work. But SPACE and understanding will win out in the end - and in time, it'll settle.

She'll pull away and possibly not talk to you for a couple of days - but it'll be down to what I'm saying above. In such a case, take the opportunity to pull away too, and process your own emotions.

Your friend is right about adjusting to their routines. If they're busy at 4 o'clock, but you're quiet, the temptation for an inexperienced individual to utilise their idle hands to reach out is GOING to be strong. Discipline will have to come into it.

 

[DragonFox91]

You've made significant progress since 2020. You actually sound attractive now, not just in the way you talk, but also in attitude.

Thank you. I'm trying very hard. But God told me I would be able to date & fall in love & get married during a very, very, very dark time for me & he gave me such joy. You probably think I'm just saying that, but it's real. It has to be. I just can't flip a switch like that, not after 20 years of doubting & being bitter. It's affecting ALL my relationships - broken ones are being healed, suddenly making small talk w/ strangers is easy, healthy relationships people are questioning what changed, even wondering if I've met one already. God is doing big things in my life. & I would like to too, to serve him. I've done it in small ways, but now I would ilke to try big ways more than that I've had in the past. I've had such strange dreams lately about doing big things.

But why did you say I would? Or can't you tell me?

How are you? Is everything okay? You were gone for a little bit. Don't forget about your CF friends / accomplices / associates / charges!

Firstly, the excitement WILL strike you like a bolt of lightning - but as we all know, what goes up must come down. So in the time between seeing each other you'll experience a heavy comedown. She will too, by the way, because it's unfortunately how our brains work. But SPACE and understanding will win out in the end - and in time, it'll settle.

She'll pull away and possibly not talk to you for a couple of days - but it'll be down to what I'm saying above. In such a case, take the opportunity to pull away too, and process your own emotions.

Makes sense. I could certainly see myself doing that, being more introverted, doubting if I really am ready. But I'll be drawn to he nevertheless. God gave me assurance no reason to have anxiety even once in a relationship, not just she'll happen (& I'll happen too)

Your friend is right about adjusting to their routines. If they're busy at 4 o'clock, but you're quiet, the temptation for an inexperienced individual to utilise their idle hands to reach out is GOING to be strong. Discipline will have to come into it.

I think he meant, like, making her your's, adjusting your routine to suit her's. But I'm not sure what you mean by what you said. Do you mean, like, knowing when to back down? When she may seem busy, to just kind of let her be busy?

(Ahhh, this is stuff people learn in middle school while dating & I'm 20 years behind that, sadly (But it's going exactly the way it should, the way God intended it)

 

[DragonFox91]

I'm doing so well. But periods of sadness do still creep in. Just gotta recognize them as lies & move on. It gets so hard

 

[DragonFox91]

I am learning by heart the beautiful hymn Be Thou My Vision & Hebrews 12: 1-2

Someday I need to post my other goals/dreams unreleated to dating + falling in love + getting married.

 

[DragonFox91]

It is SO CHALLENGING!!!

 

[DragonFox91]

It is SO CHALLENGING!!!

x100000

 

[TheLastGeek]

I am learning by heart the beautiful hymn Be Thou My Vision & Hebrews 12: 1-2

Someday I need to post my other goals/dreams unreleated to dating + falling in love + getting married.

Be Thou My Vision is one of my lifelong favorites.

Here's a gorgeous version of it that I listened to endlessly when I was younger:

 

[DragonFox91]

So one thing I used to struggle w/, is when you're at a table, & a few single men are dominating the conversation, & the single women swoon around those men. I can't dominate the table & am not interested in that. I don't have a 'look at me, look at me, look at me' desire. I definitely agree w/ contributing when you have something to say, taking interest in what they're saying, trusting in God to have the confidence to say what you'd like to say, but guess who's building the attraction?
Then when you get smaller group settings, it feels like they've already built something w/ the men who can dominate, & what do you know, next time you see them, they're in a relationship w/ those kinds of men.

So this is something I really struggle w/.

It's like if you can't dominate a table of strangers as a single man, you have no prayer. It's like people think something is wrong w/ you.

I've posted this in the past & got a bunch of 'well build to where you can dominate the table'.........I'm not sure that's the way to do it. Just b/c we're not dominating the table, that doesn't mean we have something wrong w/ us, aren't confident in who we are, can't have good conversation, or are boring.

That used to be the case at least. Now I meet single women so rarely I couldn't even tell you how my interaction w/ them & other single men goes.

If you have to become a man who can dominate a table full of strangers w/ a 'look at me, look at me, look at me' personality, I guess I might as well jsut give up. B/c I don't believe you should have to do that & believe you don't have to do that.

 

[LoveDivine]

This last post is a step backwards for you. It does sound bitter and shows that you are too focused on other guys and viewing them as competition. You are slipping back into a wrong mindset. You shouldn't think that way, especially as a Christian. For sure it is easier for extroverts and confident personalities to get noticed, but that doesn't mean they are necessarily trying to dominate. Some maybe, but not everyone who is comfortable socially is trying to dominate. It's petty to claim that and that attitude in itself is unattractive. I know you ended it with saying that you don't think you have to do this to get a date ( which may be an improvement from how you used to think), but just phrasing it this way, indicates a problem with your mindset

 

[Sketcher]

This last post is a step backwards for you. It does sound bitter and shows that you are too focused on other guys and viewing them as competition. You are slipping back into a wrong mindset. You shouldn't think that way, especially as a Christian. For sure it is easier for extroverts and confident personalities to get noticed, but that doesn't mean they are necessarily trying to dominate. Some maybe, but not everyone who is comfortable socially is trying to dominate. Some maybe, but not everyone who is comfortable socially is trying to dominate. It's petty to claim that and that attitude in itself is unattractive.

I don't think it's necessarily reading into their motives but rather observing the results. There are some guys who don't try to dominate conversation but they just naturally do. I get what you're saying and I have observed that pettiness in men that I've known, but pettiness isn't required to make the observation that he made from the interaction. If there's no resentment of those other guys, then I find it hard to call that petty. It's very possible to feel happy for your socially gifted friend and at the same time wonder when is it going to be your turn, and how on Earth is it going to happen, because you at your best in a relaxed environment was not enough to attract anyone.

 

[Mark Quayle]

This whole conversation seems to look on the idea of marriage as a positive thing. If about 40% of marriages end in divorce, (20 to 25% of Christian marriages) and a large portion that do not divorce are miserable, I wouldn't be so quick to be envious of the socially attractive. And what I'm assessing there is done from a selfish POV, nevermind to assess from God's POV for his own.

It would pretty ironic if I was to blame God for my singleness, then when I got married to blame God for my misery.

 

[DragonFox91]

This last post is a step backwards for you. It does sound bitter and shows that you are too focused on other guys and viewing them as competition. You are slipping back into a wrong mindset. You shouldn't think that way, especially as a Christian. For sure it is easier for extroverts and confident personalities to get noticed, but that doesn't mean they are necessarily trying to dominate. Some maybe, but not everyone who is comfortable socially is trying to dominate. It's petty to claim that and that attitude in itself is unattractive. I know you ended it with saying that you don't think you have to do this to get a date ( which may be an improvement from how you used to think), but just phrasing it this way, indicates a problem with your mindset

I'm sorry. You are absolutely right. I was just dwelling on the past, these were interactions from a while ago when I myself was more immature & was dealing w/ others who might've been immature too. I shouldn't do that. It's unhealthy for sure & it doesn't mean that I won't eventually have a breakthru (I know I will!) I guess I was wondering if people here still thought it's on me for not trying to be the life of the party myself!

Let's focus on today. Today at Sunday School I was trying to talk to some women but they were being very shy or closed. I gave up after a few comments. I didn't want to be pushy. This is another problem I deal w/. How do you get shy women to open up? Will one just be receptive someday? I guess one will be, who's really interested or feeling particularly not shy that day. Or I will get one more outgoing than me, but I have a hard time picturing that. I have a lot of questions on this. What would make a shy girl open up? Do outgoing girls always want a guy who's outgoing?

What makes me open up? Genuineness. I don't want to waste my time w/ someone who's not genuine or is just going thru the motions.

I am shy, but have come a long ways & am trying to break my shell for good. So it's like you think a shy girl would be good for you b/c that's what you're used to, but then it's like, opposites can be good too, I just picture the man is always more outgoing than the woman.

I don't think it's necessarily reading into their motives but rather observing the results. There are some guys who don't try to dominate conversation but they just naturally do.

Yeah, they're not trying to be rude or steal away from you or anything, it's just something they like & are very good at, & unfortunately, that's attractive in a lot of cases.

I get what you're saying and I have observed that pettiness in men that I've known, but pettiness isn't required to make the observation that he made from the interaction. If there's no resentment of those other guys, then I find it hard to call that petty. It's very possible to feel happy for your socially gifted friend and at the same time wonder when is it going to be your turn, and how on Earth is it going to happen, because you at your best in a relaxed environment was not enough to attract anyone.

That's it exactly. I guess the key is to not let the large group settings discourage you, & trust God even tho the single women are swooning around these kinds of men in the large group setting, you need to have confidence someday not in a large group setting, or after the large group setting is done, one will still find you attractive regardless. It's so easy to get discouraged after the large group settings & one-on-one, you feel 'oh my gosh, she's probably super-interested in those other guys.' -> Not true until you know for sure!! Not wishful thinking - it's a FACT!

 

[DragonFox91]

It gets more challenging as the day drags. You not wanting to be at work reminds you of other thing you want. (or person who you would like, I suppose is the proper way to say it)

 

[DragonFox91]

I was doing so good today, now it feels terrible. It feels like evil won. (it didn't but it feels like it)

 

[DragonFox91]

Church group going so well. Maybe someday I will get a break thru.