The Aftermath...

[doveofzion2001]

Please pray for my husband and me. I am 25-years old, he is 27. We met over 3 years ago. When I first met him, he was very honest about the fact that he felt called to go into the military for 4 years because he couldn't seem to knuckle down in his life and had a pornography problem. Just being friends and a fresh believer (1 year at the time), I said I understood and I didn't really push or fuss about it until we started writing more and became an actual couple. I told him 6 months into our relationship that he had to deal with his pornography problem BEFORE our relationship could progress to anything else (we were talking about marriage already). He cried on the phone from Japan and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. He called me later and said, "I'm a new man! I'm free!" I trusted, but I was a little cautious. I told my accountability leaders to keep an eye out on the situation, because I did NOT want to walk down the isle unless ground was taken in his life. They agreed. But sadly, he lied about how in depth he was, and he was selfish and didn't want to lose me because he knew I'd break it off if he came clean. He came home, and I trusted his former "I'm free!' words, and when he proposed I gladly said yes. I was so in love. I came from a really broken past, where I came from a home ravaged and torn apart by lust, so I thought he (knowing where I came from) would fight for me and be an instrument of God's redemption for my life. Apparently he cheated on me one night when he was really drunk with some friends (overseas, since he was still in the military) by making out and staying the night with some random girl. He never told this to me at the time. I found out 3 months ago, after 7 months of marriage and conflict and deadness and depression, that he was still heavily addicted to porn (I caught him by noticing files in the trash bin on the computer). We seperated for 2 months and only reuinited 3 weeks ago. He came clean about everything under the sun except for the cheating on me part (which he was told not to tell me, since it had been "dealt with" with his heart and God and his spiritual father figure). He came out and told me yesterday because I guess he loved living truthfully with me and in complete honesty and couldn't bear lying to my anymore. I freaked out and lashed out at him (saying, "why didn't you kick me while I was down already 3 months ago when I was devastated by your porn issue??? THAT was the time to tell me!!!"). I also lashed out at my spiritual father (who originally told him not to tell me because he knew it wouldn't be profitable at that point and also because I was engaged, not married, so technically it wasn't my business to know anyway). I hurt him very much and he has decided he's had enough pain with my husband and me and I'm very sad. My spiritual pop stood by me and stuck up for me, and because I lashed out at him in the moment of my deepest pain and disillusionment, he won't counsel us anymore. He said he's still our pop and that he loves us, but he has given us to another older couple to deal with all of this instead of him. He says he's too close to this at this point and that now it's hurting and unnecissarily thrashing his own heart. He is our head pastor, so he already has enough burdens. I just want to ask for prayer because 1.) my husband, who I thought contained his sin to unknown and televised women, actually cheated on me with a in-the-flesh person and 2.) my spiritual pop is over-burdened by us and I'm really sad I hurt him and said I didn't trust him because of the counsel he gave David to not tell me and 3.) My husband has "dealt" with the guilt and shame years ago and doesn't understand why I am "living in the past and relating to his old self instead of celebrating his new self." I can't catch up that quick!!! Please pray for us! We just got back together after a 2-month seperation and now I feel like seperating all over again. Or worse. Like just leaving and starting a new life somewhere else. I feel so sad. My husband was supposed to be someone different. To treat me different than my worldly and sinful partners had. I wanted so badly to be the salt and light of the earth in how we loved each other purely. And now I see that it was all fake and I was illusioned. Please help. I'm sorry this is so long. I just wanted to share my story and get this off my chest.

 

[InTheFlame]

*hugggggggggggggggggg*

I think your hubby needs to realise that you're in a lot of pain. I wonder if this would help... if you ask him to imagine that someone he loves died six months ago, but he only just heard about it today. Would he think it fair if someone said to him, "Hey, get over it, that was months ago! Can't you celebrate that they're in heaven now?"

I suspect your spiritual father has backed off handling your counselling partially because he knows that he did the wrong thing and because he's too close, getting too involved, and losing the 'big picture', unbiased viewpoint that's essential in counselling - esp. marriage counselling. So don't feel too bad, hey? Apologise to your spiritual father, pray for your husband, pray for healing for yourself, and don't let anyone tell you to get over it. OK?

 

[joyful11]

Praying for you. Look through the threads about handling your husband's porn addiction in the Women's Discussion under For Women Who Struggle. There are a lot of women who are struggling like you are. I haven't experienced the "actual person" unfaithfulness, but have been through a terrible time with my husband's porn addiction- the lies, distrust, promises to stop, and much more. "In the Flame" is right. Even though your husband may have repented and been forgiven, that doesn't change the fact that his sin has deeply affected you and your marriage. Even after forgiveness, there are often consequences that need to be taken care of resulting from the sin. It is very selfish for him to assume that you would not be hurt and struggling with this. This reaction of his probably stems from deep guilt over what he's done, so it's important to be sensitive to that, but also express how you will need time to process all of this new info and heal. There have been so many times when I am hurting over my husband's sin when all I needed was to have him tell me how sorry he was and how he knew he hurt me deeply. The defensiveness he showed when I was hurting was very difficult to take. Praying that both of you would seek God, that your husband's repentance would be lasting, and that God would give you the grace to handle this situation and seek his will for the future of your marriage. Check out www.settingcaptivesfree.com (the section on sexual purity) and www.porn-free.org for helpful info for both you and your husband. Also, please join us in the discussion in the Women's Discussion. Blessings on you and your marriage.

 

[Devasha]

Hugs to you, Dove.

InTheFlame brought up a very good analogy, and there is a book called Torn Asunder that graphically (in black and white) shows the timelines of each spouse's recovery. The betrayed spouse's recovery timeline doesn't even START until s/he learns of the betrayal, which could be long after the wayward spouse as "recovered" (although there probably can't be any true recovery until the betrayed spouse is involved in the equation).

Anyway, it may be helpful to show him that timeline and explanation in that book. The rest of the book is really good as well. I found it at the library.

 

[doveofzion2001]

thanks for the tips and the book title...i'll look into it. i feel like i'm still having to catch up in all this. my husband has gotten a lot of healing with the porn addiction, which makes him way more available and capable of dealing with my pain. but it's still hard to know that i was so illusioned. i thought i was discerning!! but i do think God wanted us to be together, which is why He didn't let our whole spiritual family realize the depth of his sin or struggle. if they had, it would have been called off. so i see God in it, but it's a really round-about way of finally coming to the place i so strongly desire and have prayed for. but thanks for the prayers! they are received!