New writing

[InTheFlesh]

Hey guys, sorry it's been forever.... Really was in a pretty bad place for awhile. To say the least it's been a hard few years especially this past year. I had a few "Friends" totally stab me in the back for no reason and I just took that hard for whatever reason. I guess in ways I trusted certain people to much or just took things at face value. It's hard to learn to trust in the industry in the first place so I just didn't trust and I didn't open myself up.

I use to write a lot as most of you know and I didn't at all for most of the year. I just couldn't because either of the issues I was having at the time or just really bad writers block. So I didn't write I just kind of sat around and worked when I had to. I rented a house of the beach to try and cheer myself up over the summer and I hardly saw the outside. I locked myself away and closed all the curtains and I guess you could say I did the same thing with my life.

It's taken some time but I have started to open up a bit more. Since working my way out of the depression I started work on a piece of conceptual poetry. Basically a grouping of short poems making one large story. I took a good amount of inspiration from spoken word, other types of conceptual poetry and even music. I like the idea of a repeating chorus and using that in poetry because it kind of drives the central theme home. So I used a repeating type chorus in some of the poems to kind of get the theme of the poem across and tie it into the whole concept.

I tried to make the concepts as relatable as possible even though it's obviously about my time in the adult industry. I think the core concepts of drug abuse, being hurt, losing control, and hopelessness are concepts a ton of people can relate to. For me the main concept is changing yourself so much for something you thought you wanted so much (In my case material wealth and fame) and realizing that it really isn't what you wanted at all. I think for me in the end realizing I chased after something and changed so much for such a stupid reason has lead to a ton of confusion and a lot of my problems so that's kind of what I got out of this whole work. I named it Becoming disaster because I literally have become one. The whole pursuit of these material things and realization it was a horrible choice has lead to a total collapse of myself.

Becoming Disaster




1.A star is born

You'll kill me
With your nips and tucks
Replace me with a lifeless clone
A talking statue you hold the key
You can do what you please

Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway

Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway

We'll plump those lips
Enlarge those breasts
Bleach your hair
Fix that nose

Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway

Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway

Designer dresses
Fancy cars
Expensive handbags
Makeup caked

Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway

Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway

Endless parties
Famous dates
Top shelf drinks
And purple pills

Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who want's it anyway

Change
Now you'll be a star


2.Sold my soul

Got fame
Got Fortune
Got everything I need
Sold my soul

No friends
No family
No problems
Sold my soul

Lost respect
Lost dignity
Lost feelings
Sold my soul

It's fine
It's great
It's my dream
Sold my soul

I'm happy
I'm sober
I'm loving it
Sold my soul

3.Wave goodbye

Hello miss pornostar
Hello miss star of the year
Hello miss cocaine star
Hello missed opportunities
Hello as you disappear
Hello were you ever there?
Hello
Hello
Goodbye


4.At the edge

He takes
Away all my doubt
He grounds me
When hurricanes spin around
Slowly
I start to think I matter
He will pull me from the edge

He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge

I slowly start to trust
Seems like I care
Thinking someone else does
It's not a hopeless cause

He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge

He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge

We'll run away and start a life
You'll get a job and I'll be your wife
Keep hoping
And hoping

He will pull me from the edge
Everyday
He will pull me from the edge
Every night
He will pull me from the edge
He really cares
He will pull me from the edge

5.My god

My god
Why did you take him away
My god
I'm not going to survive
Do I even want to?
Men just lie and lie

My god
Are you listening
My god
I pray and pray
but no replies
Or have I just lost my mind

My god
I kill all of my pain
My god
Please make me loved
If only in a dream
One moment that's all mine

My god
I shouldn't talk to you
My god
I don't even know how
I offer only my love
and only all my heart

6.Welcome to depression

Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life

You got no friends
You're all alone
No family cares
Or wonders why?
You're all alone
Out in LA

Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life

Numbed
You hurt to feel
Not even alive
Upon a screen
The faces change
But you stay the same

Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life

You buy and buy
But the pain remains
An empty hole
A bottomless pit
The inside cries
The outside breaks

Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life

Parties come
and parties go
Talk and talk
Try to find a man
But you know they only
Want one Thing
Wonder why you do it again

Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression


7. To far

Gone to far to slow down now
Gone to far to come down now

Wake up with oxygen masks
Tranquilizers lay you down

You know what you are
Your the everyday pornostar

Sold short
You gave up
Always a quitter
You start to get sicker
Down the hatch
Now it's all over

The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself

Drugs fill the void
Eyes opened wide
You spiral down
Lost spirit
No humanity
Indifference becomes the killer

The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself

Think crazy thoughts
Anythings an option
No solutions
Only an ending
Repeating and repeating
Each and every night

The end is at the start
You won't save your life
You can't save your life
You can't save your life
The end is at the start
You hate your life


8. Father

Father
Did you want my love
I know I did

Father
Did you care?
I know I did

Father
Did you hurt?
I know I did

Was it the outsides fault?
Did they break you down?
Did they hurt you like me?
Were you just like me?

Father
Why did you hurt me?

Father
Why did you leave me?

Father
Why did you abuse me?

Father
You weren't one at all

9. You complete the circle

Becoming
Your
Triple X
star

Money
Jewels
Boyfriends
Love

Hope
Floats
By
It falls

I've become
My Enemy
I've become
The enemy

Killing myself
Desperately
Killing myself
Horribly

You complete the circle now
You complete the puzzle now
You complete the circle now
You destroy the puzzle now

10. It takes me

I got no soul
Storm clouds keep on gathering
Have no mind
My brain keeps on scattering
Have no urge but to use
and you're all I need
Can't eat or sleep
Friends are for the week
Because you're the one for me

I can't wake now
I can't wake now
I can't wake now
I don't want to

You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me
You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me

I can't live
Without your healing touch
It doesn't hurt
It only helps
You better come to me quick
Or I will star to go insane
I can't wake now
I can't wake now
I don't want to

You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me


You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me

Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone

11. I live for you

As I lay
I look Up
The roof begins to spin
Closer to my head
My skin starts to
Creep and crawl
Peace floats by
But only in a dream
My eyes heavy
The nightmare begins

It's gonna be a ride
Be lucky if I survive

I live for you
Now
I live for you
always
I live for you
Forever
I live for you

It gets so hard
To move outside
Light hurts the eyes
I feel so ashamed
Strangers all want to judge me
Just lock away
People you don't need them
All I need is what kills
Kills me to survive
To give me peace of mind

I hate you so much
But you sustain me

I live for you
Now
I live for you
always
I live for you
Forever
I live for you

12. Halfway there

Powdered table
Credit Card
Rolled up bills
It takes it all away

Hate this life
Hate myself
Hate so much
It just helps me feel


If you looked at me now
Could you see I'm a mess
How could I do this to myself
I could stop it all

A rage uncaged
A broken chain
Worthless and
Unloved

Lying to myself
To those that care
To those I meet
That it's all fine

If you looked at me now
Could you see I'm a mess
How could I do this to myself
I could stop it all


Hiding away
People evil
Can't see in
Or they may hurt you

Users
Losers
Abusers
And the like


If you looked at me now
Could you see I'm a mess
How could I do this to myself
I could stop it all


Lost it all
All that mattered
Clinging on
Losing grip

6 feet close
Halfway there
Hear the music
See the light

13. Rather be dead

An angel or an antichrist
A friend or a foe
A second past one relapse
The picture as it clears

I scream
I cry
Rather be dead
Rather be dead

The futures plight
No past respite
The tunnel as it falls
Down Down

I scream
I cry
Rather be dead
Rather be dead

Fallen angels tumble down
The pit the abyss
Fire consumes you won't exhume
Left for the crows

I'll see you
Soon
I'll see you
Soon

I scream
I cry
Rather be dead
Rather be dead

A world so cold
All people turned
Who cares
I don't

Rather be dead
Then live
Rather be dead
Then live
Rather be dead
Soon
Rather be dead

Death take me
Death take me
Death take me
Death keep me

 

[BlondieLashes]

I don't want to use your name in the public forum...so I will just have to say Sweetheart, I feel for you so much! I am so sorry the past few years have been less than kind to you and that people have treated you so poorly. I am glad you are writing again. It's good to know you are feeling again even though I know it is painful.

The writing that struck me the most is the one about God. I know you love Him and I know He loves you. I just really think the lifestyle and drugs esp. cloud your relationship with Him. I feel pained as I read your writing. I feel pained because I want to know you are healthy and happy and thriving. To know you are suffering so much breaks my heart.

You are such a beautiful, sensitive soul. You know I relate to you so much. Please know I am here for you. You are not alone. I love you.

 

[InTheFlesh]

Thanks Court you have always been a good friend to me : ) Ya my trust in people is almost gone now because of all these things that have gone down. It's just left me in a really bad place. That and then the fact I just have no clue what to do about being in the industry. It's like every year I get more and more famous and I am expected to do more scenes, more interviews, more conventions. I noticed the more I have to do the more I drug myself. As you said I am atleast able to move and do things again and not just be so apathetic.

I do want a relationship with god but it's hard when you live so against the teachings. You tend to feel like you're working on opposite sides. The drugs really hamper any sort of relationship to.

Thanks Court I am glad you're here for me. You're one of the people I feel most comfortable talking to. Love you to!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Happy New Year Honey! Thanks for writing back as I was wondering how you are doing. The fame does have to be debilitating. I can understand why you would not have a clue what to do about being in the industry. It's what you know. I just wish you could find happiness.

I just want to say GOD LOVES YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH!!!!

I have to run, but wanted to at least reply a bit....

Court

p.s. Please check your PM box

 

[BlondieLashes]

Honey- I was just thinking about you and how you feel your life is contradictory to God... just wanted to remind you that when Jesus walked the Earth he hung out with people like us...not those that thought they were already "good enough"....He loves you right where you are Sweetheart!

 

[New Creation]

Hey ITF! I'll not use your real name here in the public forum either but I had to respond to this powerful and tragically sad piece of work.

It is incredibly ambitious.... I can't believe how much you put into it. I can't believe how much of yourself, your soul, you are willing to expose in your poetry. It was brave and beautiful and it made me weep ITF. It made me feel those things all over again. Acutely. It made me wish to bring you to my home and feed you chicken soup and help you find a way out.

God does love you my friend. He loves you and weeps over your pain. He wishes so much more for you. He wishes beauty and truth for you. As do we. I love you and am glad you are writing again. It is a gift to us.

 

[InTheFlesh]

Happy new years to you to Court! Doing alright I guess. I was away shooting over Christmas and it's just hard for me to stop the partying when I am on the road. I rarely am home. It's hard for me to be around people sober but then again it's just hard to be sober.

The fame is getting daunting. It's getting to the point where I am not sure if I could ever really get a real job. I went from a medium popular girls when left for the first time to one of the big it girls when I got back. I am uncomfortable I think with that level of fame. I don't like the people that are around me. I can't stand people kissing up and being fake people pleasers. It just puts me in a bad place. They annoy me so, so much. I can pick them out almost instantly.

Ya I should accept god loves me. It's hard though when you live in sin. Knowingly live in sin anyway. It's a struggle every minute to feel like a slightly good person.

Really good to talk to you again Court!

Paula,

Thanks for the feedback!

I literally couldn't write from November up until mid october or so. I would sit down and either nothing would come out or I would be distracted by some bs going on in life. Then just one day I sat down and did some digging in my head and really couldn't stop. I wanted to kind of tell my story through poetry and paint the pictures that were in my head and the emotions. I knew it would be a pretty big project but it was really, satisfying and hopefully people who read it like it and can learn a bit about girls in the industry and myself. Glad you liked it.

You know I find I can really only show my true self through writing. It's easier for me to write a poem about me feeling like I am losing my soul than it is for me to make a friend.

I'm glad you had such strong emotions. I hope I didn't make you to sad though! I really tried to focus on my mentality at the time where it was like I literally did all these things to turn into a person I don't even like. That leads into all these other problems. The first couple poems I am almost trying to like trick myself into thinking what I have is great but I kind of know the situation is a bad one. Then by the end it kind of takes you to where I am at now. Totally aware the situation isn't sustainible and struggling to find the answers.

Could use some chicken soup I am hungry! LOL but thanks so much for being here for me Paula. Love you to! Really happy you like what I write : )

 

[BlondieLashes]

Funny- I made homemade chicken soup yesterday. Wish I could have shared it with you!

I can imagine how the fame could be daunting. It must be hard to even go out in public at times. It has to be really hard to be around the people you are describing. The upside is if you ever decide to write a book it would probably be a best seller! (Just trying to think of some good that could come of it).

I feel for you so much and share Paula's sentiment that I just want to take care of you and make it better. It hurts to have a friend hurting so much.

I can't imagine being on the road so much. You must long to just be home...

Listened to this song this morning and thought of you... I love you...God loves you Sweetheart....

Yahoo! Video Detail for Leann Rimes - Amazing Grace

 

[InTheFlesh]

Awww wish I could have been there to Court!

Ya it's hard to go out at times because even if people don't talk to me I can tell with the looks. I'm uncomfortable with that level of recognition. I don't like worrying about people coming up to me and talking to me. It's the price you pay though as you gain popularity. Ugghh those people make me so annoyed! It's bad for the soul to be around those people. LOL a best seller would be nice lol.

It seems like I don't have a home half the time. I am hardly ever home so it seems less and less like a home you know?

Thanks Court! I've always liked that song : )

 

[BlondieLashes]

Do you ever go out and about not made up? I am just wondering if that helps or not with not being recognized because I can imagine not having any privacy (even out shopping, etc.) has to take it's toll. I know you tour a lot though so it is probably hard not to be "on" all the time. Not like being at home and just running to the store and back....I can imagine your home feels like less of a home if you are rarely there...hoping you get a chance for some R and R soon!

I've always loved Amazing Grace too. For some reason that morning I just thought of you...

Things are okay here...just getting snowed in which isn't cool as I had some things I had to do this week...

Other than that I am now trying to kick an Ativan addiction (doctor prescribed, but still hard). Seems there's always something!

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't be a stranger... I like hearing from you!

 

[InTheFlesh]

Hope you were able to get over the Ativan addiction. I know it's hard! I haven't been able to kick my habits so I know. How's the family?

Ended up getting a breast augmentation. I've been on the mend for awhile.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Hope you were able to get over the Ativan addiction. I know it's hard! I haven't been able to kick my habits so I know. How's the family?

Ended up getting a breast augmentation. I've been on the mend for awhile.

Hi Hun! OUCH is all I can say about you getting a breast augmentation. I have only been through it once, but it was really painful for me. How are you doing?

Funny- I kicked the ativan addiction until my doctor recommended that I go back on it! I am now struggling again. Waiting til my next doctor appointment to see if he can prescribe something less addictive for me. I just have that type of personality where I get addicted FAST!

Family's good. My son's kidney reflux has improved - Went from a grade 4 to a grade 2 - so I am thrilled with that! I really feel God is healing him in that area.

Gotta run!!!!!!!!!!!! Love you tons!!!!!!!!!!

 

[InTheCloud]

After reading that, thanks for writting again ITF.
About being recognized, well, getting a breast reduction when you are done and changing the hair color, clothes etc, can radically change you from your porn persona.