I
InTheFlesh
Guest
Hey guys, sorry it's been forever.... Really was in a pretty bad place for awhile. To say the least it's been a hard few years especially this past year. I had a few "Friends" totally stab me in the back for no reason and I just took that hard for whatever reason. I guess in ways I trusted certain people to much or just took things at face value. It's hard to learn to trust in the industry in the first place so I just didn't trust and I didn't open myself up.
I use to write a lot as most of you know and I didn't at all for most of the year. I just couldn't because either of the issues I was having at the time or just really bad writers block. So I didn't write I just kind of sat around and worked when I had to. I rented a house of the beach to try and cheer myself up over the summer and I hardly saw the outside. I locked myself away and closed all the curtains and I guess you could say I did the same thing with my life.
It's taken some time but I have started to open up a bit more. Since working my way out of the depression I started work on a piece of conceptual poetry. Basically a grouping of short poems making one large story. I took a good amount of inspiration from spoken word, other types of conceptual poetry and even music. I like the idea of a repeating chorus and using that in poetry because it kind of drives the central theme home. So I used a repeating type chorus in some of the poems to kind of get the theme of the poem across and tie it into the whole concept.
I tried to make the concepts as relatable as possible even though it's obviously about my time in the adult industry. I think the core concepts of drug abuse, being hurt, losing control, and hopelessness are concepts a ton of people can relate to. For me the main concept is changing yourself so much for something you thought you wanted so much (In my case material wealth and fame) and realizing that it really isn't what you wanted at all. I think for me in the end realizing I chased after something and changed so much for such a stupid reason has lead to a ton of confusion and a lot of my problems so that's kind of what I got out of this whole work. I named it Becoming disaster because I literally have become one. The whole pursuit of these material things and realization it was a horrible choice has lead to a total collapse of myself.
Becoming Disaster
1.A star is born
You'll kill me
With your nips and tucks
Replace me with a lifeless clone
A talking statue you hold the key
You can do what you please
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
We'll plump those lips
Enlarge those breasts
Bleach your hair
Fix that nose
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Designer dresses
Fancy cars
Expensive handbags
Makeup caked
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Endless parties
Famous dates
Top shelf drinks
And purple pills
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who want's it anyway
Change
Now you'll be a star
2.Sold my soul
Got fame
Got Fortune
Got everything I need
Sold my soul
No friends
No family
No problems
Sold my soul
Lost respect
Lost dignity
Lost feelings
Sold my soul
It's fine
It's great
It's my dream
Sold my soul
I'm happy
I'm sober
I'm loving it
Sold my soul
3.Wave goodbye
Hello miss pornostar
Hello miss star of the year
Hello miss cocaine star
Hello missed opportunities
Hello as you disappear
Hello were you ever there?
Hello
Hello
Goodbye
4.At the edge
He takes
Away all my doubt
He grounds me
When hurricanes spin around
Slowly
I start to think I matter
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
I slowly start to trust
Seems like I care
Thinking someone else does
It's not a hopeless cause
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
We'll run away and start a life
You'll get a job and I'll be your wife
Keep hoping
And hoping
He will pull me from the edge
Everyday
He will pull me from the edge
Every night
He will pull me from the edge
He really cares
He will pull me from the edge
5.My god
My god
Why did you take him away
My god
I'm not going to survive
Do I even want to?
Men just lie and lie
My god
Are you listening
My god
I pray and pray
but no replies
Or have I just lost my mind
My god
I kill all of my pain
My god
Please make me loved
If only in a dream
One moment that's all mine
My god
I shouldn't talk to you
My god
I don't even know how
I offer only my love
and only all my heart
6.Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life
You got no friends
You're all alone
No family cares
Or wonders why?
You're all alone
Out in LA
Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life
Numbed
You hurt to feel
Not even alive
Upon a screen
The faces change
But you stay the same
Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life
You buy and buy
But the pain remains
An empty hole
A bottomless pit
The inside cries
The outside breaks
Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life
Parties come
and parties go
Talk and talk
Try to find a man
But you know they only
Want one Thing
Wonder why you do it again
Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
7. To far
Gone to far to slow down now
Gone to far to come down now
Wake up with oxygen masks
Tranquilizers lay you down
You know what you are
Your the everyday pornostar
Sold short
You gave up
Always a quitter
You start to get sicker
Down the hatch
Now it's all over
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
Drugs fill the void
Eyes opened wide
You spiral down
Lost spirit
No humanity
Indifference becomes the killer
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
Think crazy thoughts
Anythings an option
No solutions
Only an ending
Repeating and repeating
Each and every night
The end is at the start
You won't save your life
You can't save your life
You can't save your life
The end is at the start
You hate your life
8. Father
Father
Did you want my love
I know I did
Father
Did you care?
I know I did
Father
Did you hurt?
I know I did
Was it the outsides fault?
Did they break you down?
Did they hurt you like me?
Were you just like me?
Father
Why did you hurt me?
Father
Why did you leave me?
Father
Why did you abuse me?
Father
You weren't one at all
9. You complete the circle
Becoming
Your
Triple X
star
Money
Jewels
Boyfriends
Love
Hope
Floats
By
It falls
I've become
My Enemy
I've become
The enemy
Killing myself
Desperately
Killing myself
Horribly
You complete the circle now
You complete the puzzle now
You complete the circle now
You destroy the puzzle now
10. It takes me
I got no soul
Storm clouds keep on gathering
Have no mind
My brain keeps on scattering
Have no urge but to use
and you're all I need
Can't eat or sleep
Friends are for the week
Because you're the one for me
I can't wake now
I can't wake now
I can't wake now
I don't want to
You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me
You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me
I can't live
Without your healing touch
It doesn't hurt
It only helps
You better come to me quick
Or I will star to go insane
I can't wake now
I can't wake now
I don't want to
You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me
You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
11. I live for you
As I lay
I look Up
The roof begins to spin
Closer to my head
My skin starts to
Creep and crawl
Peace floats by
But only in a dream
My eyes heavy
The nightmare begins
It's gonna be a ride
Be lucky if I survive
I live for you
Now
I live for you
always
I live for you
Forever
I live for you
It gets so hard
To move outside
Light hurts the eyes
I feel so ashamed
Strangers all want to judge me
Just lock away
People you don't need them
All I need is what kills
Kills me to survive
To give me peace of mind
I hate you so much
But you sustain me
I live for you
Now
I live for you
always
I live for you
Forever
I live for you
12. Halfway there
Powdered table
Credit Card
Rolled up bills
It takes it all away
Hate this life
Hate myself
Hate so much
It just helps me feel
If you looked at me now
Could you see I'm a mess
How could I do this to myself
I could stop it all
A rage uncaged
A broken chain
Worthless and
Unloved
Lying to myself
To those that care
To those I meet
That it's all fine
If you looked at me now
Could you see I'm a mess
How could I do this to myself
I could stop it all
Hiding away
People evil
Can't see in
Or they may hurt you
Users
Losers
Abusers
And the like
If you looked at me now
Could you see I'm a mess
How could I do this to myself
I could stop it all
Lost it all
All that mattered
Clinging on
Losing grip
6 feet close
Halfway there
Hear the music
See the light
13. Rather be dead
An angel or an antichrist
A friend or a foe
A second past one relapse
The picture as it clears
I scream
I cry
Rather be dead
Rather be dead
The futures plight
No past respite
The tunnel as it falls
Down Down
I scream
I cry
Rather be dead
Rather be dead
Fallen angels tumble down
The pit the abyss
Fire consumes you won't exhume
Left for the crows
I'll see you
Soon
I'll see you
Soon
I scream
I cry
Rather be dead
Rather be dead
A world so cold
All people turned
Who cares
I don't
Rather be dead
Then live
Rather be dead
Then live
Rather be dead
Soon
Rather be dead
Death take me
Death take me
Death take me
Death keep me
I use to write a lot as most of you know and I didn't at all for most of the year. I just couldn't because either of the issues I was having at the time or just really bad writers block. So I didn't write I just kind of sat around and worked when I had to. I rented a house of the beach to try and cheer myself up over the summer and I hardly saw the outside. I locked myself away and closed all the curtains and I guess you could say I did the same thing with my life.
It's taken some time but I have started to open up a bit more. Since working my way out of the depression I started work on a piece of conceptual poetry. Basically a grouping of short poems making one large story. I took a good amount of inspiration from spoken word, other types of conceptual poetry and even music. I like the idea of a repeating chorus and using that in poetry because it kind of drives the central theme home. So I used a repeating type chorus in some of the poems to kind of get the theme of the poem across and tie it into the whole concept.
I tried to make the concepts as relatable as possible even though it's obviously about my time in the adult industry. I think the core concepts of drug abuse, being hurt, losing control, and hopelessness are concepts a ton of people can relate to. For me the main concept is changing yourself so much for something you thought you wanted so much (In my case material wealth and fame) and realizing that it really isn't what you wanted at all. I think for me in the end realizing I chased after something and changed so much for such a stupid reason has lead to a ton of confusion and a lot of my problems so that's kind of what I got out of this whole work. I named it Becoming disaster because I literally have become one. The whole pursuit of these material things and realization it was a horrible choice has lead to a total collapse of myself.
Becoming Disaster
1.A star is born
You'll kill me
With your nips and tucks
Replace me with a lifeless clone
A talking statue you hold the key
You can do what you please
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
We'll plump those lips
Enlarge those breasts
Bleach your hair
Fix that nose
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Designer dresses
Fancy cars
Expensive handbags
Makeup caked
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who wants it anyway
Endless parties
Famous dates
Top shelf drinks
And purple pills
Change
You'll need to lose that name
But who want's it anyway
Change
Now you'll be a star
2.Sold my soul
Got fame
Got Fortune
Got everything I need
Sold my soul
No friends
No family
No problems
Sold my soul
Lost respect
Lost dignity
Lost feelings
Sold my soul
It's fine
It's great
It's my dream
Sold my soul
I'm happy
I'm sober
I'm loving it
Sold my soul
3.Wave goodbye
Hello miss pornostar
Hello miss star of the year
Hello miss cocaine star
Hello missed opportunities
Hello as you disappear
Hello were you ever there?
Hello
Hello
Goodbye
4.At the edge
He takes
Away all my doubt
He grounds me
When hurricanes spin around
Slowly
I start to think I matter
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
I slowly start to trust
Seems like I care
Thinking someone else does
It's not a hopeless cause
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
He will pull me from the edge
We'll run away and start a life
You'll get a job and I'll be your wife
Keep hoping
And hoping
He will pull me from the edge
Everyday
He will pull me from the edge
Every night
He will pull me from the edge
He really cares
He will pull me from the edge
5.My god
My god
Why did you take him away
My god
I'm not going to survive
Do I even want to?
Men just lie and lie
My god
Are you listening
My god
I pray and pray
but no replies
Or have I just lost my mind
My god
I kill all of my pain
My god
Please make me loved
If only in a dream
One moment that's all mine
My god
I shouldn't talk to you
My god
I don't even know how
I offer only my love
and only all my heart
6.Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life
You got no friends
You're all alone
No family cares
Or wonders why?
You're all alone
Out in LA
Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life
Numbed
You hurt to feel
Not even alive
Upon a screen
The faces change
But you stay the same
Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life
You buy and buy
But the pain remains
An empty hole
A bottomless pit
The inside cries
The outside breaks
Welcome to depression
Where you go to die
Welcome to depression
Where you end your life
Parties come
and parties go
Talk and talk
Try to find a man
But you know they only
Want one Thing
Wonder why you do it again
Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
Welcome to depression
7. To far
Gone to far to slow down now
Gone to far to come down now
Wake up with oxygen masks
Tranquilizers lay you down
You know what you are
Your the everyday pornostar
Sold short
You gave up
Always a quitter
You start to get sicker
Down the hatch
Now it's all over
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
Drugs fill the void
Eyes opened wide
You spiral down
Lost spirit
No humanity
Indifference becomes the killer
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
The end is at the start
You won't save yourself
Think crazy thoughts
Anythings an option
No solutions
Only an ending
Repeating and repeating
Each and every night
The end is at the start
You won't save your life
You can't save your life
You can't save your life
The end is at the start
You hate your life
8. Father
Father
Did you want my love
I know I did
Father
Did you care?
I know I did
Father
Did you hurt?
I know I did
Was it the outsides fault?
Did they break you down?
Did they hurt you like me?
Were you just like me?
Father
Why did you hurt me?
Father
Why did you leave me?
Father
Why did you abuse me?
Father
You weren't one at all
9. You complete the circle
Becoming
Your
Triple X
star
Money
Jewels
Boyfriends
Love
Hope
Floats
By
It falls
I've become
My Enemy
I've become
The enemy
Killing myself
Desperately
Killing myself
Horribly
You complete the circle now
You complete the puzzle now
You complete the circle now
You destroy the puzzle now
10. It takes me
I got no soul
Storm clouds keep on gathering
Have no mind
My brain keeps on scattering
Have no urge but to use
and you're all I need
Can't eat or sleep
Friends are for the week
Because you're the one for me
I can't wake now
I can't wake now
I can't wake now
I don't want to
You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me
You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me
I can't live
Without your healing touch
It doesn't hurt
It only helps
You better come to me quick
Or I will star to go insane
I can't wake now
I can't wake now
I don't want to
You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me
You're the one for me
The one I need
The one for me
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
Take me if you want
Leave me all alone
11. I live for you
As I lay
I look Up
The roof begins to spin
Closer to my head
My skin starts to
Creep and crawl
Peace floats by
But only in a dream
My eyes heavy
The nightmare begins
It's gonna be a ride
Be lucky if I survive
I live for you
Now
I live for you
always
I live for you
Forever
I live for you
It gets so hard
To move outside
Light hurts the eyes
I feel so ashamed
Strangers all want to judge me
Just lock away
People you don't need them
All I need is what kills
Kills me to survive
To give me peace of mind
I hate you so much
But you sustain me
I live for you
Now
I live for you
always
I live for you
Forever
I live for you
12. Halfway there
Powdered table
Credit Card
Rolled up bills
It takes it all away
Hate this life
Hate myself
Hate so much
It just helps me feel
If you looked at me now
Could you see I'm a mess
How could I do this to myself
I could stop it all
A rage uncaged
A broken chain
Worthless and
Unloved
Lying to myself
To those that care
To those I meet
That it's all fine
If you looked at me now
Could you see I'm a mess
How could I do this to myself
I could stop it all
Hiding away
People evil
Can't see in
Or they may hurt you
Users
Losers
Abusers
And the like
If you looked at me now
Could you see I'm a mess
How could I do this to myself
I could stop it all
Lost it all
All that mattered
Clinging on
Losing grip
6 feet close
Halfway there
Hear the music
See the light
13. Rather be dead
An angel or an antichrist
A friend or a foe
A second past one relapse
The picture as it clears
I scream
I cry
Rather be dead
Rather be dead
The futures plight
No past respite
The tunnel as it falls
Down Down
I scream
I cry
Rather be dead
Rather be dead
Fallen angels tumble down
The pit the abyss
Fire consumes you won't exhume
Left for the crows
I'll see you
Soon
I'll see you
Soon
I scream
I cry
Rather be dead
Rather be dead
A world so cold
All people turned
Who cares
I don't
Rather be dead
Then live
Rather be dead
Then live
Rather be dead
Soon
Rather be dead
Death take me
Death take me
Death take me
Death keep me