Hello, i don’t know how to starts this off, but I’m not asking you to feel pity for me as much as I would like you to, but I usually keep my thoughts in my head and never share them....this is my first time putting something like this on the internet.
I’m 18 and all of my life I’ve been a silent and lonely person, and when I say LONELY it’s not that people don’t want to hang or associate with me, sometimes it’s like that, but most of the time i choose to be lonely...it’s almost like I know it hurts me but I choose to do it anyways. Most nights I go to bed thinking and talking to god and asking him “what is my purpose in life”, like why am I here”, “please please, I’m your son”, and sometimes I’ll end up not speaking to god because I feel that I’m not going to get an answer in the fist place...but if god was to ever speak to me I just want to ask him, “why I’m my lowest and desperate times you didn’t answer”. Im not saying this in an angry way like “WHY WONT YOU SPEAK TO ME”, but out of respect... not to make god look bad, he has his reasons and I would like to know....maybe he want me to have more faith???. But you probably like “why would you keep doing that if you know your hurting yourself”, but I’m the type of person that try’s to keep myself away from what is the norm or relevant these days(NotSayingImBetterThanAnybody) it’s just that I lack a lot of identity and I can easily be chewed like gum and then spit right back out when the flavor is gone, because that’s what the devil does. He sucks you in then spits you out... this is what happens when we try to please the world/people trying to be something were not, and this has happened to me many times. But one thing in my life I live by is to always be yourself, because we live in a world full of wannabes.. for example “the person who your trying to be like, is trying to be like someone else”. And this is very dangerous for a person like me(SoIHaveMyReasons) I have people in school I talk to but it’s (OnceABlueMoon) rare, and I feel as if they don’t really understand me, I don’t really connect to what they’re saying and they’re usually speaking about things that’s are irrelevant in my opinion, because I know what it all leads to....and in the end we will just be lonely if we’re trying to please the world/people....
And I’ve have had a few friends and then all of a sudden they just stopped talking to me, not blatantly...but gradually. And you meet a person your interested in,(not in a relationship way) but in a friendly way but they just look at you with contempt and doesn’t really enjoy your presence when your around....remember it’s never obvious at first, but you just realize after when your alone and that’s when it hits you.
On the other hand if you’ve gotten this far and still reading this boring story, I have a lot of problems in my head and I feel as if the devils attacks me heavily with purpose and identity. Like I’ve failed god many times, I’m not joking, I know a lot of people say I’ve sinned many times against god... but when you can literally go and tell god “I won’t do it again”, and then turn around and do the same thing willfully, knowing that what your doing is wrong, and then on top of that know god is watching you, look him in the eye and then keep on sinning!
I’m ashamed to say this but this where I’m at now. Sometimes i can feel god staring at me just standing there silent, shaking his head.. like the way you do when a cute kid is caught stealing in a cookie jar, but you just don’t say nothing, you just stand there until he notices you.
The devil has had control of my life for many years, filling my head with blasphemous thoughts, and I’ve tried hard to stop sinning but it’s almost like this is destined to happen, almost like this is what I’m made for, like I get these really bad intrusive rebellious thoughts (ItsToExplicitToShare) but these always come especially when I’m trying to worship god...Its like the devil gets an notification when I’m about to pray....Sometimes I’ll go perfectly resisting temptation then bam!! The devil takes the wheel, this has been a cycle for a long time, and I truly have the desire to change...but I don’t really know how to hear gods voice... and I don’t really understand what people tell me when they like “speak to the Holy Spirit, he is our teacher” like bro how?? I ask the holy spirt to give me revelation when reading the Bible and I get nothing, and I’ve been trying to feel something, like I’ve heard people say you’ll know for sure sure sure when the Holy Spirit speaks to you... and to me it’s like “who even is the holy spirt” not in a disrespectful way but “who is he” like is he The Father, Son, who???. I know there all one but who exactly is he.
but this is all I have to say...thank you if you’ve gotten this far spending your time reading this.. thnx I’ve been thinking on how to say express this in words.
I’m 18 and all of my life I’ve been a silent and lonely person, and when I say LONELY it’s not that people don’t want to hang or associate with me, sometimes it’s like that, but most of the time i choose to be lonely...it’s almost like I know it hurts me but I choose to do it anyways. Most nights I go to bed thinking and talking to god and asking him “what is my purpose in life”, like why am I here”, “please please, I’m your son”, and sometimes I’ll end up not speaking to god because I feel that I’m not going to get an answer in the fist place...but if god was to ever speak to me I just want to ask him, “why I’m my lowest and desperate times you didn’t answer”. Im not saying this in an angry way like “WHY WONT YOU SPEAK TO ME”, but out of respect... not to make god look bad, he has his reasons and I would like to know....maybe he want me to have more faith???. But you probably like “why would you keep doing that if you know your hurting yourself”, but I’m the type of person that try’s to keep myself away from what is the norm or relevant these days(NotSayingImBetterThanAnybody) it’s just that I lack a lot of identity and I can easily be chewed like gum and then spit right back out when the flavor is gone, because that’s what the devil does. He sucks you in then spits you out... this is what happens when we try to please the world/people trying to be something were not, and this has happened to me many times. But one thing in my life I live by is to always be yourself, because we live in a world full of wannabes.. for example “the person who your trying to be like, is trying to be like someone else”. And this is very dangerous for a person like me(SoIHaveMyReasons) I have people in school I talk to but it’s (OnceABlueMoon) rare, and I feel as if they don’t really understand me, I don’t really connect to what they’re saying and they’re usually speaking about things that’s are irrelevant in my opinion, because I know what it all leads to....and in the end we will just be lonely if we’re trying to please the world/people....
And I’ve have had a few friends and then all of a sudden they just stopped talking to me, not blatantly...but gradually. And you meet a person your interested in,(not in a relationship way) but in a friendly way but they just look at you with contempt and doesn’t really enjoy your presence when your around....remember it’s never obvious at first, but you just realize after when your alone and that’s when it hits you.
On the other hand if you’ve gotten this far and still reading this boring story, I have a lot of problems in my head and I feel as if the devils attacks me heavily with purpose and identity. Like I’ve failed god many times, I’m not joking, I know a lot of people say I’ve sinned many times against god... but when you can literally go and tell god “I won’t do it again”, and then turn around and do the same thing willfully, knowing that what your doing is wrong, and then on top of that know god is watching you, look him in the eye and then keep on sinning!
I’m ashamed to say this but this where I’m at now. Sometimes i can feel god staring at me just standing there silent, shaking his head.. like the way you do when a cute kid is caught stealing in a cookie jar, but you just don’t say nothing, you just stand there until he notices you.
The devil has had control of my life for many years, filling my head with blasphemous thoughts, and I’ve tried hard to stop sinning but it’s almost like this is destined to happen, almost like this is what I’m made for, like I get these really bad intrusive rebellious thoughts (ItsToExplicitToShare) but these always come especially when I’m trying to worship god...Its like the devil gets an notification when I’m about to pray....Sometimes I’ll go perfectly resisting temptation then bam!! The devil takes the wheel, this has been a cycle for a long time, and I truly have the desire to change...but I don’t really know how to hear gods voice... and I don’t really understand what people tell me when they like “speak to the Holy Spirit, he is our teacher” like bro how?? I ask the holy spirt to give me revelation when reading the Bible and I get nothing, and I’ve been trying to feel something, like I’ve heard people say you’ll know for sure sure sure when the Holy Spirit speaks to you... and to me it’s like “who even is the holy spirt” not in a disrespectful way but “who is he” like is he The Father, Son, who???. I know there all one but who exactly is he.
but this is all I have to say...thank you if you’ve gotten this far spending your time reading this.. thnx I’ve been thinking on how to say express this in words.
