I have to confess this secret...

[Elliemare]

Okay, here it goes. I never really considered myself a survivor of the sex industry. I just figured it was my deep dark secret that no one would ever find out about.

I recently went through a recovery process for the two abortions I had over 20 years ago. Those were my other deep dark secrets.

A year or so after my second abortion and my life on a steady downward spiral, in a horrible relationship with an abusive man, terrible anxiety and depression and in serious financial distress. I took on a job at a massage "parlor". It wasn't that bad. No full sex, no oral, not even kissing, just a topless massage with a happy ending. Pretty low key.

I made good money and finally had some sense of security. The job was easy and laid back, no stress and its not like I ever had to worry about getting fired! I got paid daily and a weekly commission check to boot. I paid my bills, straightened out my credit, bought myself a reliable car and things were looking pretty good on the outside. I wasn't a drug addict or alcoholic, I wasn't being forced into the industry by my bf and I never had pimp to answer to. It was pretty easy money, but still degrading and pretty gross at times. It was my deeply hidden secret that I swore I would take to my grave. I was only in the biz for 2 years and haven't returned in over 13 years.

I am now married and my husband has no knowledge of my past employment ventures. My husband makes very good money and I'm well provided for. I had a good job a few years ago, but I had to give it up when my DH and I relocated. There are no opportunities in my field in our new community.

However, even though things are stable and secure, I'm a born-again Christian now and pretty happy and healthy, I find that whenever I'm faced with any financial insecurity, my mind immediately goes to the possibility of returning to the sex industry.

For instance, my DH makes all the money and he controls all the money. If he ever makes a reference to the fact that I don't work much, earn much money, or need to use my "own" money to buy something for myself. (I have to ask him for money if I want something, we don't have a joint checking account) I find myself feeling panicked and I want to peruse craigslist for "adult" job offers, just to make a quick buck!

I even find myself thinking "I'll show him" (my husband) "I'll get a job at an asian massage parlor, make lots of money of my own... who needs him anyway!"

I don't know why the sex biz is the first thought I have when I feel financially insecure? Its scary. I have a great life, why would my mind go there? Why do I put so much emphasis on money? Why is money the only thing that gives me a sense of security and why is it that when I'm lacking in funds, I completely panic?

 

[saved24]

Praying for you Ellie.

When you think of going back to that old way of life just remind yourself of the good things in your life ie You have Jesus! You have a husband who loves you, good health, and all the other things God has given you, The Lord gave you a husband who provides for you. Give thanks for that, forgive him for his unkind words and try to focus on the good things he does for you. Pray to the Lord. Ask the Lord if He wants you to get a job, or just thank the Lord that you are well provided for. Sometimes the devil gives us the wrong ideas and we must rebuke him and remember what is good and right. Read the Word of God too, it will help you to remember that God's way is the best way. Also remember, that revenge is the Lord's not ours, not ours to get back at others. You probably know some or all of this already so forgive me for that. God bless.

 

[Elliemare]

Thank you so much for the kind words. I'm praying...

 

[saved24]

You're welcome Ellie. The Lord sees your heart and is pleased. God bless.

 

[Elliemare]

I really feel that I need to get help for my past experiences in the sex industry, like I did the abortions. It was so freeing to find help and healing for the abortions I've had, but I just can't bring myself to confess my past "employment history" to a counselor or anyone else.

One big problem is that my current career is in therapeutic bodywork/massage therapy. There is a sexual stigma with my real job, my real career that I trained for and have devoted over 12 years of my life too! I love what I do and I would never, ever do anything unethical or do anything to jeopardize my reputation, my license or my education. I'm sure that I'm not the first bodyworker to have had a past history in the sex industry. Actually I know another gal who was a stripper while she put herself through school. She was hired at a therapeutic center, and the owner knew this gal's past history and didn't hesitate to hire her.

I'm just so afraid to tell anyone about my past, but I feel I need real help and healing in this area. I also contemplate telling my husband, but I'm not sure he'd be okay with that information. He might prefer to remain in the dark about that subject.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Elliemare- Welcome to the SOSI forum. I hope you find yourself very welcome here. So sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. I am heading out for the day, but will write later when I can give your posts the attention they deserve! God bless you sweet sister!

 

[Elliemare]

Thank you!

I went to church this morning (my husband does not attend with me) and another thing I'm conflicted about is tithing. I tithe as much as I can of "my" money. My husband doesn't contribute to my tithing. I don't make much money right now, I only work one day a week. I have some bills of my "own" that I pay with my money and after those are paid, there is not much left.

The pastor tells us that we are to tithe first and give the unpaid bills to God... Yikes! Really? I just don't think I can do that! I get so panicked over finances and money. Why is money my only sense of security? Its terrible.

I've tried to get my husband on board with me when it comes to letting go of our "attachment" to money, and he doesn't understand. He thinks I'm just going to quit working altogether and hold my hand out for him to provide for me.

What I want to do is give it to God and let Him provide for us! My husband doesn't understand. The pressure to tithe is just more financial stress on me, since I'm the spiritual head of the household.

 

[saved24]

One big problem is that my current career is in therapeutic bodywork/massage therapy. There is a sexual stigma with my real job, my real career that I trained for and have devoted over 12 years of my life too! I love what I do and I would never, ever do anything unethical or do anything to jeopardize my reputation, my license or my education. I'm sure that I'm not the first bodyworker to have had a past history in the sex industry. Actually I know another gal who was a stripper while she put herself through school. She was hired at a therapeutic center, and the owner knew this gal's past history and didn't hesitate to hire her.

I'm just so afraid to tell anyone about my past, but I feel I need real help and healing in this area. I also contemplate telling my husband, but I'm not sure he'd be okay with that information. He might prefer to remain in the dark about that subject.

I don't think you have to tell anyone about your past. I think it's something between you and a counselor if you go to one. As for your husband, I don't know if you need to tell him, especially if you think it will hurt him. I am not an expert in this area though, and maybe you need to ask an expert about it. I don't think I could tell anyone about that and you know we all have somethings we just don't want to tell anyone, myself included. It would be easier to tell him if he had a past too eh? I think you need healing in this area too. We all need healing for such hurts. I pray you get the help you need Ellie. God bless.

 

[saved24]

Thank you!

I went to church this morning (my husband does not attend with me) and another thing I'm conflicted about is tithing. I tithe as much as I can of "my" money. My husband doesn't contribute to my tithing. I don't make much money right now, I only work one day a week. I have some bills of my "own" that I pay with my money and after those are paid, there is not much left.

The pastor tells us that we are to tithe first and give the unpaid bills to God... Yikes! Really? I just don't think I can do that! I get so panicked over finances and money. Why is money my only sense of security? Its terrible.

I've tried to get my husband on board with me when it comes to letting go of our "attachment" to money, and he doesn't understand. He thinks I'm just going to quit working altogether and hold my hand out for him to provide for me.

What I want to do is give it to God and let Him provide for us! My husband doesn't understand. The pressure to tithe is just more financial stress on me, since I'm the spiritual head of the household.

Hi again Ellie Yes, money is a hard subject. We have to think of the money we get as from God. I was taught to tithe, and that if I tithe the Lord provides. We were taught to give 10 %, that is 10 cents for every dollar. So if you got $100, you would give back to God $10.

I have heard some teach thus; You pray about how much to give, maybe you feel the Lord wants you to give 5%, so for every $100 you give back to the Lord would be $5. Others have a lot of money, that is they are rich, so they decide to give 25% etc. I encourage you to pray about it Ellie. The Lord knows your heart and that is what He looks at. At this moment you only have to decide what to do with the money that is in your hands, not your husband's.

Now, I am not married, so when I make suggestions, I go by what my Mom has told me and what I have read or heard on a Christian marriage show. My Mom of course is married and knows a lot of Godly stuff! I believe you just have to let your husband do what he feels is best. He is still the head of the household and you need to support him. You did your part and told him about tithing and if he decides not to tithe that is his choice and he needs to be respected. We all need respect right? I have a book that has postive statements and in it John Gray says what a man needs is trust, accpetance and appreciation.

This is advice Ellie, you can use what helps you, praying about it is the answer of course, the Lord will help you and I will pray for you too, and your husband. God bless.

 

[Elliemare]

I really do think that I need to find healing from my past. I have confessed my involvement in the sex industry to a counselor a few years ago. However, I really made light of it, glossed over it and we didn't really address it. I had at that time, convinced myself that my previous profession was "empowering" and helped me to escape an abusive relationship.

However, since going through the abortion recovery, I see how that deep dark secret held me prisoner for so long. How I chose abortion to cover up a mistake and make everything look good on the surface. I also chose a job in the sex industry to make money, pay bills, buy nice things and convince my friends and family that I was independent and self-sufficient. Once again, I was hiding a deep dark secret in order to make thing look pretty on the surface.

I don't think I need to tell the whole world about my past. However, I have chosen to get into women's ministry with my experience in the post-abortive arena. I would like to be able to reach out to women who are suffering from other trauma as well: sex industry, rape, domestic violence... these are all things that I've had personal experience with and I'd like to use that experience for good. I just don't know how?

I do know that it has to start with me. I have to let go of this artificial security I feel from money. I'm fasting and praying the next few days and hoping for a breakthrough.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Elliemare- You are precious to God. I admire your fasting and praying the next few days. I will join you in prayer.

You are brave to come here and open up. That's a big step. I don't know if you've read my story or not, but I can totally relate to you in many ways. I really think that the enemy uses the money to keep us trapped for so long. And strangely, most in the industry rarely save money while they are in. There are a few here and there, but the money is often wasted...

As far as abortion recovery goes, I hope Paula (New Creation) will chime in here soon. She has a lot of knowledge in this area and could be able to help you.

I feel for you with your husband not knowing your past. It is hard. My husband does not know everything about my past either. Not saying it's right or wrong, it just is for now. Are you open to seeing a counselor now? I know you mentioned you saw one a few years ago... maybe it's time again if these things are coming to the surface for you. I would just really try to find a Christian female if you are able to. It will make a difference. If you do choose to get into ministry for women, it will be a great strength if you are able to share your story.

As far as money goes....I know you are fasting and praying about it. I will pray with you that you will find the answers you are looking for.

I hope you find yourself welcome and at home here at SOSI.

-Courtney

 

[New Creation]

Hi there Ellie.
It's good to have you join us, though as Blondie (Courtney) says, I wish there was no need for it.
I was in the industry for over a decade and am out for almost a decade now. I have also, unfortunately had experience with abortion. I aborted my first child 25 years ago.

I am relieved that you have had some help with healing from your abortion. It really is crucial that women address this. I believe it is the deepest wound that a person can carry. Did you attend a Rachel's Vineyard? That's what I did and I found it changed my life. If not, can I ask what helped?

As far as telling your husband about your past goes, that's a tough one. It sounds as though he has issues of his own (not 'sharing' the money). I believe that it's important to be honest. I think a secret of that magnitude affects everything you do and the entire dynamic of the relationship. That being said, I don't think that details need to be given.

Ellie, it's going to be harder for you because your husband is not a believer. He may not be very understanding. He may be angry with you and even accuse you of ugly things. I don't think you should go this one alone. I believe that a Christian marriage counsellor could help you through this.

I would pray pray pray about it Ellie and follow God's lead. There is a time and a place for everything and He will tell you when it is.

As Courtney said though, I think it is really important that you have someone that you can share this with. I think it should be a woman also for myriad reasons. Until then, keep coming here. We are happy to help.

As far as the tithing goes, also, pray honey. Some pastors say that the Old Testament is irrelevant anymore, but when it comes to tithing, you'd better believe they're flippin' back to old Malachi 3:10!!!!

I think that is something between you and God. Sometimes He asks us for much more than 10% like the old woman who gave her last 2 coins in the temple. Sometimes He wants us to give our time to people. You just keep up your dialgue with Him and keep listening for His voice. The fact that you are fasting and praying shows your level of obedience and your sincerity.

Because of your level of INsecurity about money, I beleive this may be an area in which God is asking you to trust HIm. This is just a hunch though and means absolutely nothing coming from me, a complete stranger so take it with a grain or two of salt.

I can relate because my husband completely supports our family financially and it was VERY scary to rely on someone else at the beginning of our relationship. I have money/security issues too. I worked for the first two years and then quit when I got pregnant- the difference with us is I don't have to ask to spend anything. We have shared all we have (since we married) as a husband and wife are called to do- this is where it gets tricky though. People who are not believers don't always play this way.

Once again, I will advise you to listen for God's voice on this.

Anytime you want to talk Ellie, we're here. Lots of love to you!

 

[Elliemare]

Sorry to bombard all of you with so much right off the bat! The sex industry, abortion, marriage issues, money... I guess there is a lot on my mind.

I've pretty much buried the sex industry memories and left that all behind me. Some people from my past know about it. When my abusive boyfriend at that time found out where I was working, he tried to use that information to blackmail me and control me. He eventually tried to separate me from my family by telling them where I was working. It backfired on him, and actually helped get him out of my life once and for all!

I just don't understand why, the moment I feel financially insecure, that my mind immediately goes to a sex related job to find that security. Its like I think I have no other skills?

I think I do want to get into women's ministry and counseling. I've been asked to join the counseling center at my church as both a bodyworker and a post-abortion counselor.

I started working with a post-abortion counselor five years ago. I got half-way through the bible study and dropped out. I just wasn't ready for it yet. I've attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat, which was life changing, and re-joined a bible study group and we're completing our work together tomorrow night at a memorial service for our children.

I do think I need to learn to trust the Lord when it comes to money and finances. I think I need to talk to my husband. Maybe not tell him about my past, but let him know of my insecurities surrounding money. I'm actually the one who doesn't want a joint checking account. I just don't see how it can work? I'm so afraid we'll over-draw the account if we're both using it at the same time. I actually think that an allowance type of situation might work better for me. I know it sounds antiquated, but that way I can "manage" the money my husband give to me rather than just spend it. I can tithe more or invest some, or whatever it is that God calls me to do.

Its tough, I still deal with a lot of anxiety and I've had my own business for the past seven years. Getting a job is very scary for me, but my husband puts a lot of emphasis on money. I know he wants a second income, even though we don't need it. Then I panic, feel pressured and start checking out the adult section of craigslist! Its a vicious cycle and I do think its the enemy preying on our weaknesses.

It seems that every time I try to let go of my attachments to money and give it to God, that is when my husband makes a remark about me not working etc etc and I suddenly feel insecure, uncared for, and like I need to find a way to be completely independent. This is how I felt most of my life. My parents held things over my head and resented doing anything for me. I couldn't wait to be an adult and be totally independent and not rely on anyone else for anything. I know that is not how God intended us to live, but being self-sufficient is the only thing that gives me a sense of security.

I was the bread-winner for several years while my husband was in school full-time. Prior to that I was independent and a single, female homeowner with a successful career. Losing that independence has made me feel very insignificant.

 

[saved24]

Hi Ellie, It is great you want to use your past to help others. The Lord can take our past too and make something beautiful out of it. He gave us beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.

When you find healing for your past then one day you can help others who suffer the same way. The Lord may send people to you or you may be in a Christian woman's group where they need people to minister and pray for each other. My Mom had a ministry to pray with others to receive inner healing and there was counsleing involved. She and another lady from the church would go and pray for other women. They had the blessing of the Pastor. Just keep praying and see where the Lord leads. You might even be able to help people here on the forum one day if that is on your heart. God bless.

 

[Elliemare]

I've decided that I'm going to tell my husband about my past. I'm going to leave out details, but I feel I need to tell him this. He needs to understand my level of insecurity when it comes to finances etc.

He also needs to know that my past relationships pushed me into this lifestyle because I didn't have a man in my life I could depend on.

I think he'll handle it okay. I've been praying about this and I'm sure its what I need to do. Pray for me... us...

 

[BlondieLashes]

Wow...big decision! Good for you ! You have my prayers!!!

 

[Elliemare]

I know. It is a big decision. I figure that it won't be too bad if I don't go into too much detail.

I have the memorial service for the post-abortion group tonight, and I think I'm going to come clean this evening after I get home.

Part of the reason I feel the need to get this off my chest is because my ex-boyfriend used my "career choice" as a means of blackmail and I've feared that my past would come back to haunt me at some point in my life. Its been 13 years and it hasn't. I can't continue to live in fear.

I actually work at a wellness center where a new massage therapist was recently hired. The owner knows that this gal's has a past history of working as a stripper prior to going to massage school... and she still hired her! I was really impressed with that, and it goes to show that some people won't hold your past against you. The owner also re-hired a gal with a drinking problem because she wants to get the girl some help. I think that's great too.

There is no reason for me to continue to live in fear of my past. I won't be shouting it from the rooftops, but I'm sure I'm not the first massage therapist to come from the "unethical" side of the business.

 

[rockytopva]

I recently went through a recovery process for the two abortions I had over 20 years ago. Those were my other deep dark secrets.

Elliemare... My first thought on this post is to tell you to 'let it go.'

Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. - 2 Cor 5:17

Forgiveness - TD Jakes at Lakewood - YouTube

 

[BlondieLashes]

Ellie - How did the discussion with your husband go? I've been praying for you.

 

[Elliemare]

Oh, I got home so late last night, he was on the couch in front of the TV and I was soooo drained from the memorial service... I didn't bring it up.

I didn't chicken out, it was just bad timing. I glad I didn't bring it up last night, he has to work 12 hours today and I wouldn't want it weighing on his mind all day.

I may bring it up tonight, if I can stay awake until he gets home from work, if not, tomorrow. I'm also considering writing him a letter. I've done that with other issues that were hard to talk about so maybe it'll work this time too?