Going backwards

[Beautiful_Things]

Sorry to hear you're struggling hun. You overcame heroin addiction so you know you have the power to beat this. I hope you see that to! Think of how much better life has been since you became sober and use that to help you. I =know you have the power to beat this!

 

[FierceInside]

Snapped out of it a bit. I think I was going through some serious self sabotaging. No clue why I was doing it. I guess I just need something to be going wrong in one way shape or form. Doing better though. I told my friend I'm living with to kick me out if he see's me drinking again. So that's reason enough not to.

Work situation is decent. I am getting a job at a warehouse that's like 10 minutes from my house. Basically running around finding things is my job. It seems okay. My back has been killing me so hopefully it holds up.

How are things with all of you??

 

[FierceInside]

Damn! Guess it's almost been 2 months since I posted.... Where does the time go? Didn't mean to go so long just been crazy busy. Still working at that warehouse.... It's okay. I work 7:30 to 4 usually so that's taking a ton of adjusting to get use to. I really never thought of myself as a early riser and it's taking a lot of energy drinks but it's getting easier. It's also keeping me out of trouble because I have to be up by 6:30. Can't do late nights anymore. I am actually in pretty good shape to because of the running around I have to do.

On another note I am officiallyl dating someone. It's the my friend who I've been staying with. It's really nice! I like being able to be close to someone I know won't intentionally hurt me or use me. He can make me smile and note stress out which I can't say about most people.....

Seems you all are doing pretty well! Just stopping by to say hi!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara!!!! I am so glad to hear you are still at the warehouse job! Awesome! I would love the 7:30-4 shift probably because I am an old woman! LOL! I'm glad to hear it's keeping you out of trouble though! I have a good friend that used to strip that got a job with UPS in the warehouse and it turned out to be a really good career for her. Hoping the same for you.

Wow! Congrats on the new relationship! It sounds like you are happy...I am so glad! You deserve some happy in your life!

Keep us posted okay?

 

[FierceInside]

Hey Court!

Ya you know I don't really mind that job. It's physical so I'm getting into pretty good shape and I am always doing something so the day goes by fast. Ugghh 7:30 -4 has me asleep by 10, bet you never thought you would hear me say that lol. I am starting to get into the swing though so it's getting a little easier.HaHa your not old you just have a kid. Kids are up by like 6:30 or 7 if your lucky lol. Ya you know I can kinda see this job working out. It's crazy thinking of where I was even like 6 months ago and seeing where I am now. I never really expected to be alive in a year and now it's like I am starting to live all over again.

Thanks! I am pretty happy right now. The guy I am seeing has been a great friend and he wanted to date me for awhile. I never dated seriously when I was in the industry and I was just not really sure if I should or not when he would ask. I usually said no. I think I didn't think I deserved a nice guy or I wasn't sure if he could deal with all the BS and baggage I have. I think I considered myself undateable because of my past and stuff. I kinda started think about a month ago that it's really up to him if he can handle all that. He has been there for me since I have known him and he knows all about me so if he was going to run he probably would have already. So he asked me again a month ago and I said yes. It's been really nice having someone. I just am enjoying all the stupid little things like making dinner together or watching a movie. He calls me a guido all the time because I'm originally from New Jersey and I have the accent and look I guess but it makes me laugh which isn't easy to do. I find myself smiling more and just I am not depressed. I haven't really had that in my life at any point so it's just a new nice feeling.

What's been up with you?

 

[paul becke]

It was wonderful to read that you're back on your feet again, FierceInside/Tara, and have the companionship of a good man to share your life with you, after living through what at times must have seemed never-ending torturture - on a near fatal journey.

Yes, we define ourselves. We are not forced to permit anyone else to define us, however hard they might like to try, where they spot vulnerability. Such types seem to batten like parasites on other people's self-esteem. It's worth remembering that there are bad people in the world. Christianity doesn't mean we have to blind ourselves to that.

I think it was a very sound instinct of yours, basic self-respect, that told you that your cv was nobody else's business but your own at that rehab place. I suspect it was that sense of your own self-worth and outrage at the presumption of your prurient questioners that has been one of the keys to your recovery and new life. Having a wonderful partner, another, of course.

I'm volatile by nature, and one of the reasons I don't have to drink my meals through a straw now, is probably because I was so impressed by a book on comparative religion (although I'm a convinced Catholic) called, The Perennial Philosophy, by Aldous Huxley, which gives some good tips on "anger management". There are also a lot of beautiful quotations from many sources. It sounds as if anger won't be a problem for you from now on, but it's nevertheless throws fascinating light on attaining peace and tranquillity.

I wonder if you feel the same sense of pleasant fatigue, tired wellbeing, at the end of the day, after all that running around, as I did at the end of the day, when I did fairly heavy manual work, particularly if it was repetitive and you could get into a rhythm.

It seems presumptous to join these conversations, uninvited, but we all seem to contribute to each other's understanding of life and human nature, suffering and the latent glory in it, whatever its apparent causes.
　

 

[BlondieLashes]

Wow! Tara's in bed by 10! Lol! Good for you girl! I am so happy for you, I really, really am! Sounds like this job is a blessing in many ways!

Honey- I think you really struck a chord with realizing that you didn't think you were worthy of a good guy. I so have been there. I have sub-consciously messed up some good relationships in the past thinking I just wasn't good enough. Don't make my mistakes. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! You really are. You deserve a good guy that treats you well. I am so happy to hear you are finding happiness in the little things like dinner or a movie together. That's half the battle. After being in the industry that craving for excitement is hard to shake. You are winning the battle girl! So happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would be totally thread jacking if I went into what's been up with me, so I'll make it brief... All in all things are good. My son's had some issues with Reactive Airway Disease and I am terrified of an upcoming over due pap (my last few revealed HPV and precancerous cells that I had to have surgery for - and then I made the mistake of not having my annual pap last year....worried about cervical cancer).

 

[InTheCloud]

TARA, THIS IS GREAT NEWS, Im very happy to hear that!! Question, technically female guidos are called "ginas" right? Be proud of your heritage.

 

[Oneofthediaspora]

I am happy to hear you are doing so well Tara.
You're in my prayers.
Mike