Going backwards

[BlondieLashes]

Tara, Just want to let you know I am praying for you today. I can't really post long right now...having some family problems and taking the dog in for surgery today, but want you to know I am thinking of you!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara, Okay so doggie is home from surgery and doing well and family is quiet for a minute...

I can understand your feelings about the group. Talking about your feelings is very hard for you and to do it in front of a group of others has to be really hard. I can imagine that the woman that keeps acting like she knows it all is driving you crazy...but you know what? YOU ARE DOING IT! Remember a few weeks ago not knowing if you could even make it to November? Well, you not only made it but you are doing well...you are in recovery.

I am so sorry about you being molested when you were young and then hurt when you were in Juvi. It seems that we just stuff the anger and lash out because we are in so much pain. I say we because I do the same thing for different reasons and in different ways.

I am praying for you. Thanks for checking in to let us know how you are doing....

 

[FierceInside]

Paula! I've missed you but glad you're with your family. Hope that all you guys are having a good trip.

Ugghh ya people never really understand. I don't really care because I don't base my opinion of myself on what they think but it's tough when it's just you and them 24/7. I am a private person and I think I should be able to say and not say what I want you know? I've always been the "outsider" so usually I retreat into isolation when forced with this type of reaction but can't do that here so it's hard. I prefer to be alone but it took me awhile to realize it's okay to be alone becaues I think we all are really alone in some sense. It's just not easy when it's just like a big group of people and myself because I talk a lot just not with my mouth so for people who can't see that it's like I am being a diva or some sort of persona that's like that.

It's true I mean I didn't come from some sort of crazy upbringing. Pretty normal in ways just some bad things happened to me. All of my other family has turned out well you know? People just don't think like that though. They think I came from some sort of crazy family I assume? but I really didn't.

I always have my walls.... I have been doing a lot of digging within myself though and I am finding some answers. I am starting to make some order out of the chaos. In my mind I just feel like what I am going through and what I am thinking doesn't have to be spread out to the whole group. I talk to my doctor though and take some of his advice in so it's not like I don't. So that's kind of just where I am at with the whole group thing. Maybe I am wrong IDK. I do know what I may come off as though and I know that isn't a true representation of me but I am not here to really care if people like me or care what they think of me. It's just a ton of pressure you know? It's tough when people find out about things they don't understand. Wish it didn't have to be like that but it just is.

I think it is especially hard for people to understand you when you have such a diverse group. You have your life long addicts, scared teens, the people who hide the fact they're addicted, people like me. So we all are in different places and we all come from different walks of life I guess. The two guys I like best are total opposites one comes from a pretty well off family and the other doesn't and his parents had to take out a second mortgage for him to get treatment. So I get that were all going through stuff and we are all different people and think that's a good thing. It's just off putting for me when people who don't understand me or like me for what I've done or what I do are vocal in judging me or prying for information they don't need to know. If I trust you (not easy for me to do) I will be pretty open and let my guard down but most people here just don't have my trust.

I did talk a bit in group yesterday. It wasn't about porn or stuff like that because I am not ready to or not going there but it was a bit about my drug history and just stories from it. Talked a bit about my heroin den of an apartment and how I would just hide away in it and be so terrified when I would hear noises outside because I thought it meant the end of the world. For a year and a half that pretty much was my world and the outside world was secondary and just a really scary place to be. Talked a bit about the nights at the club where I would just meltdown and make a fool of myself and start to realize I was and just make things worse by trying to act like I was fine. So I will talk a bit about my past with drugs just not with porn. I really don't think people outside the industry or people that don't really know a person in it will understand. I can't really expect them to because it's a different type of life with totally different sets of values and morals (or lack thereof).

Seems like I wrote a novel to lol. Hope you get what I mean though. Really hope to see you around soon!

Court,

Awww hope the dog is okay! What kind of dog do you have?

Ya group is gonna be a struggle for me but I kind of knew that going in. I am aware of my feelings but to put it verbally or to show my feelings is hard for me. I tend to only show like the more aggressive side to my feelings or emotions rather than the softer side I do have I just don't show to many people. So since I am aware of my feelings and think really the important part is I am aware and my doctors are aware. I don't want strangers or people that can use them against me to really know if that makes sense?

I don't really talk much about either being molested or when I was attacked but I know both were big events in my life. Sorry to hear you do the same thing in your own way. Once I was sexually abused I kind of started withdrawing. Left my parents, stopped picking up the phone, stopped hanging out with most of my high school friends. My sister got me to do a few things just to get me out of the house but for the most part I just wanted to go to school and go home. It's safer to be alone you know??? You don't have to worry about people hurting you or disappointing you. I really haven't had a whole lot of meaningful relationships personally because of my tendency to be like that. Not sure if maybe you are the same??

Thanks for your prayers Court! I love you and you are in mine as well : )

 

[Coralie]

Praying for you still. Sounds like thing are really hard. But it also sounds like you're meeting this head on which is all that matters. You are really an inspiration xx

 

[BlondieLashes]

Oh Tara! Yes, we are the same in the respect that I have withdrawn a lot too because of not wanting to be hurt. I am afraid of someone hurting my son as well which kind of compounds it.

It's good that you trust your doctors though. I'm glad to hear that.

It does make sense that you have your guard up and don't want to show your softer side to people for fear of getting hurt. I really do get it. I really do.

We have a beagle. She is 5 months old and really cute - just driving me crazy! Her surgery was just getting spayed but keeping my son off of her as she heals is the tough part. I have to really watch him like a hawk.

 

[FierceInside]

Thanks so much Coralie! It's tough to feel like much of an inspiration but I am glad I do to some people. I am taking this head on and it's leading to some good moments and understanding of myself but I also can act out because it's so hard at times. We have to do chores and stuff and there are times I just don't want to do them so I know I can be difficult. I usually realize after a time though that I am being stupid and just apologize and do it.

Hey Court : ) Ya I can only imagine how it is to have another life that depends on you. Especially going through what we have it probably just makes you want to protect them even more. There are times I feel like I just want to build a wall around the people I care about and myself and just not go out. That really isn't possible though you know?

Awww I love dogs! A year and under is tough with dogs because they are still so young. I can imagine your son is probably all over the puppy so that does take skill. How all is going well with that. How are other things going???

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara- Thinking of you and hope things are going well for you. Coralie is right, you are an inspiration!

Things are going alright for me...(see my thread in the private forum). Yep - it's hard to keep the puppy and my son separated and she still has stitches!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara.....How are you??? How long will you be at the recovery center? Are you going to be there for the holiday or do you know yet? Just thinking of you...

 

[Coralie]

Praying for you today.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara Honey...How are you? I'm worried about you as we haven't heard from you in a few days. Please let us know how you are doing.

 

[FierceInside]

Sorry I haven't been on in a bit had to go to a retreat where they didn't have WIFI. It was okay except for the fact it was freezing half the time. Made a few more friends so that was cool. I am transferring my blog here and parts of my diary for a presentation on what I am like when I am an addict. We all have to do stuff like that so I figured just use my real life writings. Probably gonna be here until early December at the earliest and then have to go to some more stuff.

Hows the dog feeling?How are you feeling?

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara- I am so happy to hear from you and glad the retreat went well (aside from freezing!). Glad to hear you made a few friends! That's awesome! That is so amazing that you are opening up. I admire you being willing to share your real experiences being an addict.

The dog is good - thanks for asking. I am doing okay... I can't say a lot in the public forum, but I posted in the private forum.

I love you Tara. Hang in there - you sound great!

 

[Coralie]

YAY I am SO GLAD to hear you are still OK. Lots of love to you. And prayers. xx

 

[BrokenBella84]

You sound better Tara! Hang in and I am sure you will get better. Proud of you! It takes a real fighter to be doing what you're doing. This will all be worth the work you are putting in now. So happy for you!

 

[FierceInside]

Court,

The retreat brought us all together more which was nice. I talked a little about my time in the industry and my drug use during that time. I think people kind of are starting to get a sort of picture about where I was and why I did what I did.

Glad the dog is good! I'm thinking about getting one when I get out. I think I might be ready for one.

Thanks so much Court! I will check out your private thread : )

Thanks Coralie! Really appreciate your prayers!

Talia,

Thanks so much!Really appreciate your kind words : ) How's your daughter??

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara, You are amazing. I admire that you are talking about your time in the industry. You are a brave woman.

That is great that you are thinking about getting a dog they can be such a help in healing and just to have around...

Please keep posting and letting us know how you are.

 

[FierceInside]

Thanks Court! It was a bit easier knowing that they all pretty much knew what I did. I mean it's only a click away you know? I don't really give them loads of details just acknowledge I was in the industry and hated it. It more then likely was one of the largest contributors to my use of heroin.

Ya I have wanted a dog for so long I just couldn't do it. I would love to get a rescue and give a dog a home.

Doing okay on my end. Still working out a ton of issues I have so it's day by day stop and go a good amount of the time.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Good for you for being brave enough to open up to the group about being in the industry. I can't imagine how hard it is when it is only a click away. Absolutely I am sure it was one of the biggest contributors to your heroin use!

I totally love rescue dogs... I really think that is an amazing thing to do for another living being. Our dog was a gift or I think we would have gone the rescue route as well.

I am soooooooooooo glad you are doing okay on your end. Of course there are a ton of issues you are working on, but you're DOING it! That makes me so happy for you!

Sometimes it's hour by hour and minute by minute...

Love you!

 

[FierceInside]

Court,

Ya it's just hard knowing it's always going to be out there. It was really hard to feel like life was worth living after all the stuff I had done. It's still pretty hard actually. If I could do it all over again I obviously would but I can't. So it's hard having to kind of just except these facts.

Ya I love rescue's to! I had one as a girl and she was just the best dog ever. That's a great gift! I'm pretty sure I will start looking when I get out.

Doing okay still. It's hard though, really hard. I'm working on relapse prevention and getting a plan together for when I get out and it's just frustrating. They all don't think I can go back to dancing. So it's just hard thinking about what to do with my life now. It's these big choices that I have to make now that are just really hard. It's hard for me to get a good job because of my record and I can't use what I went to school for. It's just hard.

You're so right! It really is fighting the little minute by minute battles that make all the difference in the long term I'm starting to understand.

Love you to!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Wow Tara....you are facing some tough, life-changing decisions. I would agree about not going back to dancing though as scary as that is. I know you had a tough time with the grocery store for example and I know the money is insane compared to a straight job. Please pray about it Tara. Search your heart and search God's heart. I too have a record and cannot use what I went to school for. At least not yet. So I understand. I really do.

I just want to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving and know I am thinking of you and praying for you.