Going backwards

[FierceInside]

Well things are pretty bad right now. I tried going the whole methadone route and failed big time.... I started good but then I hurt my back pretty bad and I have had to go on pain killers and that lead to abuse and back to heroin. I wanted to get clean for my featuring tour not just for myself but because I am traveling with like 4 other girls so I didn't want to seem like such a junkie. Now I have to be gone from home for like a month and deal with all the stuff the road brings...... It's hard enough to get out of bed so this is gonna be terrible...... I hate being like this..... Being broken is just the worst feeling ever and knowing it's all your fault. Just gonna try and survive the next month and then start over in November.

 

[Dusk777]

I have a cousin recovering from heroine addiction and is fighting hard to stay clean so she can get her kids back. Addiction is a horrible thing, especially heroine. I have had several people say that such addicts never recover. Big fat lie. If Jesus said he could heal and save anybody, I believe he meant it. Pray to God and ask him to take control and show you what you should do. From what I know, the answer can come in ways you never expected. Even simple things.

I know it must be terrible for you but, you have to keept fighting and never put yourself down. Pick yourself back up and start again. I know you can win if you surround yourself with Jesus, even if just in your thoughts.

BTW: You said you are touring, does that mean your in a band?

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara!!!! I am sorry you are hurting so badly! Painkillers are such an opening to addiction...I know, I've been there. It sounds like you are really motivated to get clean though. What are your plans for recovery? Are you waiting 'til November because of featuring? Would you ever consider working with my friend David for addiction recovery? He would really be able to help you and could even work with you while you are featuring because he could keep contact via phone and email. You don't have to wait...maybe having the motivation of being around the other women you will be with will be good.... Let me know, okay?

 

[FierceInside]

Dusk,

Ya I wouldn't wish heroin addiction on my worst enemy Dusk. I mean I wake up and feel cold to the bone but I have a fever from the withdrawl and then the panic sets in until I can get my dealer to deliver what I need. Sick to my stomach for hours from lack of heroin or to much heroin. No energy, motivation, feelings, or hope. Wishing the best for your cousin though. I know once you stick the needle in you're in for a ride and I can't imagine having children and going through it.

I've gone through periods of serious religeous doubt lately so it's hard for me to pray. I try though when my mind is right. I just have a whole lot of anger and it gets pointed at god from time to time. I know I have to help myself though to and I just get in my own way half the time. I'm not in a band I actually tour strip clubs dancing and stuff. I use to do porn and stuff so my name is kind of out there so I tour with other girls at different clubs up and down the east coast.

Court,

Ughgh litterally hurting..... My back feels like it's falling off!!!!!!! I'm getting old I guess.... Ya I mean giving me oxy's just put the idea into my head you know.... I wouldn't say I was really motivated just like kind of realizing I am not gonna live very long if I keep doing this stuff. I wanted to use methadone to get off but back injury ruined that. I am gonna wait to november to deal with my problems I just have to much on my plate to even think about getting clean right now. Just need to focus on surviving october and being in a few pieces.

Hopefully I do and then in November I can go away to rehab or get clean another way. This just isn't working you know???

 

[nautical999]

hey
I know someone who went through what you are going through with the addiction. Right now she has been clean for i would say about 10 months and doing wonderful. She is on seboxin and it works good for her. She is in college now and doing awesome. When you are not whole yet the best thing to do is live through the pain to stay off of drugs. It's worth it.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara,

I am sorry I haven't replied sooner. I have been thinking of you and praying for you. I really hope that you will find the strength to get clean. I also pray that you will find your faith again as well... If I can do anything to help you please let me know. You know I mean it.

Court

 

[FierceInside]

Nautical,

I've actually taken Zbot or Seboxin before and it helped but I never really changed my social circle which hurt obviously. It's a pretty good drug when used correctly. I tended to take more than I needed to dose myself. Happy to hear your friend is doing well. Heroin addiction is awful it's the worst pain you can feel and it literally becomes you and you cease to excist.

Court,

Don't worry were all busy. Ya I hope I get clean eventually to I really haven't been clean in 12 years. Heroin has been more recent but i've either been drinking to much or doing drugs for such a long time. Thanks for being here for me : )

I actually am starting the tour tonight. Turns out there are 5 girls including me and there is one I already know I am going to have problems with. I know 3 of them from my old porn days so not really any new faces. But were actually traveling on a bus it's the biggest production I have been apart of when it comes to dancing. but as you can imagine 5 girls on a bus fighting for each room gets ugly no matter how big the bus is lol. I think I should be good with the other girls though so it's all good. Were in some place in the middle of nowhere in Maine tonight so atleast it's an easy warmup. We have like special lighting set to all of our different sets so it's actually adding some pressure to make sure your moves are perfect. My sets are near the more physically demanding I have ever done so hope my body holds up. It's 29 dates on 20 stops so it will be a busy month to say the least. I hope I can try and be semi clean I brought heroin but I will run out but it's easy to find in the clubs.

Hope your doing well Court and hope to talk more soon.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara,

I know it's been a LONG time since you've been clean...but that means you are about due right? I just want to see you happy and thriving..not struggling.

The tour sounds like it is going to be really challenging for you in more ways than one. I really hope things go well with the other women you will be with. The last thing you need is more drama and trouble. I will continue to pray for you sweetheart. You are on my mind. Stay in touch during your tour, okay...keep me posted as to where you are and how you are doing.

 

[New Creation]

Hey Tara,

I'm so sorry to hear about your setback. I can only imagine how frustrated you are. I will offer Mass for you on Sunday my friend.

It's ok to be mad at God Tara- He's big enough to take it. Scream at him, yell, whatever. Just let Him know what you need. I wish I could help you. I never knew the addiction of heroin but I remember the helplessness of addiction. I wish I could help you Tara. It breaks my heart.

I haven't come here to SOSI for a while because I just couldn't take the constant heartbreak. But you have to live it, don't you? I'm sorry I haven't been here for you.

 

[FierceInside]

Court,

Your optimism always makes me smile I want to get clean I hate this life I'm living with such a passion. It makes me hate just about everything else as well. I never have been like a bubbly person but I don't like being so angry all the time. Withdrawl kills me though so I am so scared to get clean in a way. Not that this addiction is any better than withdrawing from it. I get high to just to avoid getting sick and in the process get sick. Funny how that works.

The tour is really a grind right now..... I am so sore in my legs I am having trouble walking lol. Physically I am pushing myself to the limit in the condition I am in. I am using to much and drinking to much and excerting myself just about each and every night so I am getting exhausted. The girls are tough. I am friendly with 2 but the other 2 are just like awful to be around. Typical diva types and there have almost been a few fights. I swear I am using so much because I don't want to be around these bimbo's. My drug use hasn't been a secret so it's kind of awkward to use around the other girls.

I really can't stand performing some nights and it shows. I really don't know how I do so well some nights because I get so mad and messed up I must seem insane. I guess some people are into insane though lol. I just feel gross I don't feel like I look good most of the veins in my arms have collapsed which is gross. I just feel disgusting and the drugs give me no reason to want to clean myself up. I really don't do myself any favors being lazy, using, picking hard songs to dance to, being on tour for a month.... Can't wait to be home. Right now I am in Virginia for the night then Charlotte friday and I think Saturday. Hope your family is doing better Court...

Paula,

I just thought I was going to be okay and now I am so mad at myself for falling back into the trap. Thanks for offering mass for me I really appreciate it.

Ya it's really hard for me to pray now. I probably should do more of it though. Heroin addiction is a monster and killer. At first you get so sick you think it's just the dumbest thing ever but then the high hits you and you just can't ever leave it. You use again and again and before you know it you shoot more bags and more bags and then you love it. Eventually you can't live without it and you need it as much as you need food and water. I know what it's doing to me but I just become dependent on it to survive. Like without it I will die and it's just impossible to move. Like on tour if I don't have any I freak I cry I can't get out of bed I sweat I panic until I can score more. I have a friend who wants to take me to rehab when I get back to NY I might take him up on it.

I'm sorry if I have had things to do with your heartbreak I tend to do that to people. I don't mean to it just happens to most people I know. It has to be hard to listen to stuff you have lived through and are over. So I understand and it's fine I am not the most cherrie person to be around I know.

 

[New Creation]

Tara, I hope you take your friend up on rehab. Is he the one you've talked about in the past who's been sticking by you all this time?

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara- I am not just optimistic...I know you can do it! I know you can get clean!!!!

I am sorry that things aren't so great with 2 of the girls you are touring with. I guess just keep your distance...

You made me laugh when you said people are into insane...I think you are right when it comes to the clubs...Insane seems to be the norm...

I can't imagine the physical and emotional pain that you are in...Remember November is coming. You can do it!!!

 

[FierceInside]

Paula,

I know I really have to take him up on rehab. Not much choice if I want to live you know? I don't at times and then at times I really do want to live. It's just easy to give up on yourself when you're 5 feet into the grave. Yup same friend he is a great guy. He can see things in me that hardly anyone can.

Court,

Uggh those 2 girls are driving me crazy.... Just 2 more weeks though. I think I can make it without killing someone lol.

Insane totally is the norm. It seems the less I try and hide my insanity the more I sell. It's weird I know I don't like it but I guess people enjoy to see that side of other people. We always can't look away from a trainwreck right?

It's a really hard time because I feel pretty alone. More alone then usual and I just kind of want time to fly but it can't. Just gotta try and push towards it.

 

[FierceInside]

Got into a really bad fight last night. I was dancing for some guy and his G/F I guess was there and came up and started yelling at him and spit on me. I really don't know what the issue was but I can't stand girls that act like that. I mean I don't care about your man only what's in his wallet. So she latched onto my hair and I hit her in the face a few times before we were seperated but ugghhh I don't need that B.S. Drama just loves me.... I am glad we got seperated because honestly was about to beat her down.... Her face was bloodied and my head hurt from her grabbing and she scratched my neck and stuff so I was just over dancing that night. Went back to my room and just got high pretty much I hate this lifestyle right now I really do. Trouble just follows me I swear I can't ever just have things go easy.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara Sweetheart....I am so sorry this happened to you last night! I hope you are alright. It does seem that trouble follows you, but it will continue to in this lifestyle. I will continue to pray that you will find a way out...

Much love,

Court

 

[FierceInside]

I OD'ed saturday night at one of the clubs we were at. I injected a lethal dose of heroin into my arm and blacked out. Paramedics were pretty close by so I was revived but I guess I was cold for like 3 to 5 minutes. I'm getting out of the hospital today and I am gonna finish out the tour and then head to rehab when I get back to New York. So it's been a bad month to say the least. I am still pretty out of it so I will get back to you guys later just wanted you to know I am okay.

 

[Coralie]

You guys I hope it is ok that i post here... Courtney you might remember we PMed last year.

Fierce, I've been reading your posts for a while (i hope that's not weird) and praying for you babe. I'm so sorry to hear about your OD. Just letting you know you have my love, prayers & support following you wherever you go... again, I hope that's not weird.

Praying especially that you will make it safely to rehab. It sounds like things are really rough for you right now.

 

[nautical999]

praying for your safe return home. I wish i could take you by the hand and lead you to the rehab but you have to do that in your own. I pray that you will. I know the pain you are going through inside and this is how you try to get rid of it but i pray that someday the pain is taken away and this will be the most powerful part of your testimony. I am praying and crying inside for you.

 

[BlondieLashes]

((((((((((TARA!!!))))))))) I am so glad you are alright! You know you have my prayers and support. I love you girl. I wish I could do more for you. You've got to get into rehab asap. Screw the tour...get help! I will continue to pray for you... Please tell me if I can do anything at all. Tell me if you need me to give you my # again.

 

[BlondieLashes]

p.s. Coralie- I welcome you here on the SOSI forum. I am sure Tara appreciates your prayers!