Future Relationships: Advice/Opinions Requested

[Plenipotent]

This will be super long, but I'm seeking some guidance and input on a situation I've been pondering. To clarify, this isn't about the specific person in question; rather, he serves as an example that prompted my contemplation.

At my workplace, there's a man who has shown a interest in me. My mother, who also works with us, is subtly trying to encourage me to give him a chance without outright saying it. He works at the port, I work on one of the ships. Our interactions are primarily limited to brief chats in passing or when the ship is anchored due to weather conditions. This morning, my mother mentioned that she had a conversation with him since all the ships were anchored due to Hurricane Lee. He apparently mentioned that he spotted me on the highway yesterday (I drive a very distinctive vehicle. I'm easy to spot). She informed him that I was probably headed to church (accurate), and it turns out he knew the church I attend because he had checked it out a few years ago, and for the exact reasons to why I'd like to find a different place of worship, he found another church to attend. In other words, we share similar thoughts on certain matters. She playfully added, "At least you know he's a Christian now!" with that typical hinting tone that moms tend to use. She, like me, is well aware of his feelings for me. I don't know if it's because he's told her directly or if she's just picked up on it because we're both pretty perceptive. Her initial words about him to me when she first met him were, "You know that guy? Oooo, he has a crush on yoooou, oooo... He was askin' me about yoooou~." Apparently, news of his strong feelings for me is spreading around the docks now. I'm not oblivious and I haven't been. I could sense his interest from our first conversation when I experienced my first anchored shift.

I recognize that I'm not the most attractive person in the world, but I also understand that I'm not considered unattractive. I believe that my initial appeal to him was based on looks, and I'm not naive about that. I'm aware that my mother talks to him about me and shares details about my life, so he likely knows more about me than I know about him. I can't even recall his exact age... I think he's around 42, but that's because he mentioned it casually a long time ago when his birthday was approaching and he couldn't celebrate because he had to work.

I don't have any quarms about going on a date with this guy to get to know him better. He seems like a genuinely nice person. However, I made a personal agreement with myself years ago that I would not initiate or pursue a relationship unless the other person expressed their interest directly and made their intentions clear from the outset. I.E. You can ask me out directly, to my face, and not beat around the bush, or you get nothing. I'm not even going to entertain the idea of pretending like we're going out as a casual thing. I'm not a teenager, I'm a grown adult. In all my past relationships, I had to take the lead because my partners were too shy or hesitant, and I didn't mind doing that. I'm not shy or intimidated when I like someone. I'm straightforward and dislike playing emotional games. I view relationships as serious commitments rather than casual pastimes. The issue here is that I don't have a crush on this guy. He appears to be a nice individual, but our interactions are so limited that I don't have a substantial impression of him. I'm not a superficial person. I don't care about his appearance and I don't have a laundry list of criteria that must be met. To become attracted to someone, I need to understand their core values, discover their character, and establish a connection based on more than just passing hellos and discussion about the weather and what's been happening at work. While I can gain a lot of insight about someone from very very little information and find them attractive physically, it doesn't make them attractive to me. I.E. I think Josh Hartnett is a very very attractive man, but I'm not in love with Josh Hartnett and I don't have a crush on him. I don't know him, but he has an attractive face, that isn't enough to make me even want to be his friend. People to me, are just people. Meat and bones and they do things and they think things. That's a weird way to put it...

Our interactions consist of brief greetings and sporadic conversations when the ship is anchored, usually about current events or work-related matters. Therefore, the only way I see to get to know him better and determine if there's potential for a connection is to go out with him.


My mother apparently is rooting for this guy, which leads me to believe that he may be worth getting to know. However, he has never explicitly expressed his interest in me -> to me, this immediately signals a lack of courage. I've noticed a common trait in my previous partners, they were all timid in their approach to me. I was the one who initiated the relationship or even initiated discussion about a relationship, which led to me taking on the central role and directing the relationship. I ended up with partners who tried to conform to my interests and hobbies rather than embracing their own individuality. I consistently encouraged them to pursue their own passions, socialize with their own friends, and be their own person. However, they always seemed afraid of being alone or losing me, so they never made decisions that didn't revolve around me. I repeatedly had to urge them to spend time with their friends and engage in activities they enjoyed, but they rarely did because they were fixated on me and my interests, fearing that I would lose interest in them if they pursued their own desires. By the end of each relationship, I felt like I had completely lost my identity and was utterly miserable.

As an example, I love Star Trek. None of my past partners shared this interest, but they pretended to like it to get closer to me. I could tell they were faking it. I didn't need them to share all my interests to enjoy their company; I preferred having my own activities and personal space. While I may seem extroverted, I'm not. I cherish my solitude and my personal private pursuits. I have no desire to start a business or seek fame, but occasionally, I enjoy sitting down to crochet while watching a movie. I'm perfectly fine if someone wants to join me for a movie and do their own thing too, but when they decide to sit beside me and crochet despite having no interest in it, solely to get closer to me, it usually doesn't turn out well. I appreciate when my partners have their own hobbies or want to partake in mine, but when they insist on forcing themselves to undergo mine, it ends badly. I appreciate my partners having their own friends and going out with their friends or wanting to spend time with mine, but when they think they have to be best friends with my best friends, it usually ends badly. I encouraged them to go out with their friends and enjoy activities they loved. Do what you want to do, don't feel obligated to cater to me, I'm perfectly fine. However, they continued to attach themselves to me and my interests, attempting to adapt to my preferences.

Due to these experiences, I underwent a period of self-reflection after my last relationship ended. I contemplated the kind of person I wanted to be with and established personal guidelines for future relationships. I don't place any importance on physical appearance, what matters is self-care and a willingness to take care of oneself. I'm not concerned about a person's profession, what concerns me is that they either have a job or be willing to work. I don't require them to share my hobbies and interests, I only require that their interests don't involve harmful or unethical activities like chopping people up in their basement. I value kindness and like to be treated respectfully. I don't expect material gifts or grand gestures. Birthdays? I'm simple. Say happy birthday. Anniversary's? Simple. Happy anniversary. You wanna do something? Let's figure it out. Christmas? We don't have to exchange gifts, let's just spend time together. I mean, I'm getting/making them stuff anyway because I love giving gifts, but that's a gift for me in a way anywho! I'm content with someone who is genuinely decent and committed to personal growth. My standards have always been, in my mind, very reasonable, and I'm open to being with any manner of good person. I've never had excessively strict criteria. Shyness or timidity doesn't make someone a bad person, but I've realized it doesn't work for me because it leads to an unbalanced dynamic in the relationship.

I've come to realize that I need a partner who is as strong as I am, if not stronger, from the very beginning of the relationship. I can't assume a leadership role from the start because if someone requires guidance from the outset, they will likely continue to rely on me for direction throughout the relationship, and this dynamic only makes me absolutely miserable in the end. I can be with just about anyone. I cohabitate easily, I'm very simple and adaptable. But I realized that leaves me open to essentially dating very weak men, and that's what I end up attracting. I believe it's the whole "opposites attract" concept. However, the reality is that I'm not inherently a super strong individual, I simply have the capacity to be appear that way consistently for a long period of time if it's necessary. Unfortunately, this often leads to me taking on roles that don't suit me, and because of this, I eventually find myself overwhelmed and breaking down.

I see myself as a support-class character, not a leader. I've always been that way. I enjoy supporting others, offering encouragement, and providing assistance when needed. I prefer to remain in the background, offering healing and support, but I don't want to take on the role of directing the entire relationship. I'm not a leader, I'm more of a DPS/healer type. I want to be able to stand in the back, offering support and encouragement, and provide assistance when necessary. However, I don't want to be in a position where I have to direct the entire relationship because the other person is lost or indecisive. I've realized that this dynamic doesn't work for me, as it makes me unhappy and leads to personal dissatisfaction. Sadly, I am such a support-class character, that when my partners are unable to be leaders, instead of finding a new partner, I stay and instinctively step in to compensate for them, even if it ends up being detrimental to me. And I will continue this until I am completely buried and suffocated, and that's when I finally have to tell them I can no longer continue.

I want to emphasize that I make sincere efforts to communicate my desires and what would make me happier to my partners. I'm straightforward and clear about exactly what I need and how I feel. However, consistently they treat my requests like some kind of puzzle they have to decipher, as if I'm trying to convey something else and they must figure it out. I understand that this might be conditioned behavior because many women do this. For instance, with my ex, I told him directly that I wanted him to spend more time with his friends or engage in activities that didn't involve me. I explained that I felt he had no identity outside of our relationship, and it was beginning to make me feel like he couldn't exist without me. It's a terrible feeling to believe that your significant other is entirely dependent on you for their well-being. I don't know if anyone reading this has experienced that, but it's an incredibly distressing sensation.

In response, he said, "I don't have any friends." even though I could easily list his friends for him. When I mentioned his friends, he proceeded to list reasons why he couldn't hang out with them. Instead of taking the initiative to go out and make new friends or develop hobbies and interests that didn't revolve around me, he continuously questioned if there was something I wasn't telling him, despite my being honest and transparent about my feelings. He actually questioned if I was terminally ill and just wanted him to create connections and have a support system in case something happened to me. There were no hidden messages in my words. I said exactly what I felt and what I thought would help me feel better. In the end, I had to personally make new friends FOR him. Even then, he just turned to asking me to accompany him as a social buffer because of his own social anxiety, which defeated the purpose. He came up with no solutions or plans to help me, because he relied on me to make all the plans, but when I made the plans, he still relied on me to carry them out. After many many situations like that, I eventually got so overwhelmed that I had to leave. Now I don't think he did this on purpose or he's a bad person in any way, but I think he wasn't strong enough as an individual and attached to me because I seemed very strong. Fun fact, I'm not, hence why we didn't work.

This has also had a negative impact on him. We broke up five years ago, and neither of us has been in a relationship since then, though my single status is a deliberate choice. He, on the other hand, has been actively seeking a new relationship since about a year after our breakup. While he's gone on a few dates, he hasn't entered a relationship because no one seems to meet the standard he associates with me. He jokingly mentioned that I "ruined" him in this regard, suggesting that I set the bar too high. He even mentioned that he was interested in getting back together if I ever wanted to try it again. I immediately declined that offer to remove any notion in his mind that that was ever going to be a possibility and told him it was never going to happen. My belief is that if a relationship didn't work the first time, a second attempt is unlikely to yield different results. I always give 100% in the initial round, and if that wasn't sufficient, a rematch won't change the outcome... It would simply be a remastered version of the original release.

I don't consider myself exceptionally unique, but I do prioritize honesty and straightforwardness. I think we can all relate to the fact that once you've experienced the truth, it becomes exceedingly difficult to swallow lies.

So, I made a decision! If a man doesn't approach me directly and ask me out, I won't let him entertain the idea of a relationship with me. This is because I've found that I'm consistently unhappy with timid individuals or people who seem to lack the ability to take charge. It won't help them, it won't help me. However, I understand that many women can be intimidating to men, and I probably come off as very intimidating to men. I recognize that it may not always be easy for men to approach women, even if they aren't timid. I appreciate the need to be cautious with one's heart. Guarding your heart is smart and good. However, from my perspective, cautious men, though they are smart, look exactly the same as timid men on the surface. They act the same, even if they aren't, and it's challenging to distinguish between the two at face value when you know nothing about them.

Now, I'm faced with a dilemma. Do I reconsider my agreement with myself and give guys who appear timid a chance to see if they're not actually timid, or do I wait for someone who doesn't appear timid from the start? I'm not desperate or lonely, so waiting doesn't bother me. But I have noticed that the men who approach me the most and ask me out point blank are often disgusting pigs. Not all the time, but more times than not. So my way of seeing things is probably the wrong way to do things, but I feel like it's the best way because I also understand the realities of the dating world. I may have missed out on great opportunities in the past due to my strict approach, but at the same time, I know me. If I go out with a guy, and he seems decent and our core values line up, I'm going to see him as worth giving a chance to because I know, with the right person, timid/shy doesn't necessarily mean emotionally unintelligent and dependent. It just so happens that that seems to be every relationship I've ever had so I am absolutely unwilling to go through another one of those in the hopes that it'll be different just because they're a decent person.

I plan to pray for guidance and wisdom, as I believe it's important to seek God about everything. The reason I post here, is because my father recently had a conversation with me where he said, "Do you want to know why you're not married yet? Because you're so focused on everyone else that you don't take the time to think about yourself. You've always been that way, even as a child. You got a weird brain." This made me laugh hysterically, but it also caused me to self reflect and realize that he's pretty spot on. I have to focus on me more. So I began seeking input from others. I asked my mother and her response was, "Honestly, I don't know. I always assumed you just didn't want to. You prefer your own company, and everyone around you seems stupid to you." These insights have helped me reflect on how I appear to others and realized she's also right. I do prefer being alone and everyone around me makes me feel like I'm surrounded by infants. Doesn't mean it's true! But I definitely portray that with my actions so that's something I need to work on.

So, I'd appreciate your thoughts, opinions, and advice on this matter. Do you think I should do something differently? Are there any flaws you see with my current plan in regards to how I approach relationships? If you were on the receiving end of 'me' how would you take it? Anything will be very helpful. Also, thank's for reading my novel. It'll be available come December at a Barnes & Noble near you.

 

[TheLastGeek]

1. Tell Mom to STOP talking about you to him. I get that she's enthused and biased cause you're her baby girl and you're the best woman on earth in her eyes. But I could 100% feel your discomfort in being talked about when you're not present, and now there's an imbalance of how much he knows about you vs. what you know about him. Your mother is encouraging this guy's crush on you, when you haven't shown any interest in him, and she needs to stop that.

2. I agree with you. Mature adults need to develop relationships directly with each other, not with this side-stepping, information-feeding stuff going on behind the scenes.

3. I've had exes pretend to be more interested in things because they saw I was. I despise that as well. It feels insincere, and in some cases, it even felt deceitful (had one guy take me to an event he knew I passionately enjoyed, and since he invited me, I assumed he enjoyed it, too; later on when our relationship started to end, he threw it back in my face that he actually hated it and thought it was stupid, and that was a knife in my gut). I've seen multiple men do this, so it may be a "guy" thing. So to any men reading this... don't do this. Don't pretend to be into something that she's into, just to get closer to her. She'll eventually sniff out that you're faking and it'll hurt her.

4. Sheesh, I can relate to just about everything you're saying. I, too, have the capacity to be the strong one, the one who gets things done, who takes care of things. But that's not who I am deep down. I yearn to be taken care OF. I long for the day when someone loves me enough to step in and help with all the necessities of life, so that I can rest a bit. I CAN take care of everything, but it's not what I was built to do. But you're right, men pick up on that, and it's very easy to attract the needier men who have mommy issues and want you to put on the apron. So we have to stay vigilant and at times, I have to dial back my nurturer/helper/comforter/fixer side, because I see that the interactions aren't balanced, and it's 90% me taking care of them, and them offering almost nothing back.

5. "My belief is that if a relationship didn't work the first time, a second attempt is unlikely to yield different results. I always give 100% in the initial round, and if that wasn't sufficient, a rematch won't change the outcome... It would simply be a remastered version of the original release." Agreed.

6. My personal (and possibly very flawed) opinion is that you're doing things just fine. And that you should not lower your expectations in order to appease your parents, or anyone else. You MUST be yourself. The moment you try to become a more socially palatable version of yourself, you will likely begin to feel inauthentic. And you strike me as someone who cannot abide feeling that way about yourself. Beyond this, you're CORRECT, that if this man is interested in you, he should stop funneling his interest through your mom (which is just a bit weird to me for a 40 something year old man) and make the effort to approach you directly for an actual conversation.

 

[ReesePiece23]

So, a bit of passing chit chat with Captain Birdseye from time to time, equates to... What? Marriage material?

I'm dubious.

 

[Plenipotent]

1. Tell Mom to STOP talking about you to him. I get that she's enthused and biased cause you're her baby girl and you're the best woman on earth in her eyes. But I could 100% feel your discomfort in being talked about when you're not present, and now there's an imbalance of how much he knows about you vs. what you know about him. Your mother is encouraging this guy's crush on you, when you haven't shown any interest in him, and she needs to stop that.

2. I agree with you. Mature adults need to develop relationships directly with each other, not with this side-stepping, information-feeding stuff going on behind the scenes.

3. I've had exes pretend to be more interested in things because they saw I was. I despise that as well. It feels insincere, and in some cases, it even felt deceitful (had one guy take me to an event he knew I passionately enjoyed, and since he invited me, I assumed he enjoyed it, too; later on when our relationship started to end, he threw it back in my face that he actually hated it and thought it was stupid, and that was a knife in my gut). I've seen multiple men do this, so it may be a "guy" thing. So to any men reading this... don't do this. Don't pretend to be into something that she's into, just to get closer to her. She'll eventually sniff out that you're faking and it'll hurt her.

4. Sheesh, I can relate to just about everything you're saying. I, too, have the capacity to be the strong one, the one who gets things done, who takes care of things. But that's not who I am deep down. I yearn to be taken care OF. I long for the day when someone loves me enough to step in and help with all the necessities of life, so that I can rest a bit. I CAN take care of everything, but it's not what I was built to do. But you're right, men pick up on that, and it's very easy to attract the needier men who have mommy issues and want you to put on the apron. So we have to stay vigilant and at times, I have to dial back my nurturer/helper/comforter/fixer side, because I see that the interactions aren't balanced, and it's 90% me taking care of them, and them offering almost nothing back.

5. "My belief is that if a relationship didn't work the first time, a second attempt is unlikely to yield different results. I always give 100% in the initial round, and if that wasn't sufficient, a rematch won't change the outcome... It would simply be a remastered version of the original release." Agreed.

6. My personal (and possibly very flawed) opinion is that you're doing things just fine. And that you should not lower your expectations in order to appease your parents, or anyone else. You MUST be yourself. The moment you try to become a more socially palatable version of yourself, you will likely begin to feel inauthentic. And you strike me as someone who cannot abide feeling that way about yourself. Beyond this, you're CORRECT, that if this man is interested in you, he should stop funneling his interest through your mom (which is just a bit weird to me for a 40 something year old man) and make the effort to approach you directly for an actual conversation.

I don't mind if people talk about me when I'm not around, whether it's positive or negative, it doesn't bother me. I recognize that I have no real control over what others say or think about me beyond my own actions, so I don't let it concern me. I just worry about what I say and do. Regarding the guy at work, I don't believe my mother is divulging intimate details of my life or sharing private information about me that I wouldn't share with others. In our workplace, there are 5 guys just like him who have shown an interest in me and often invite me out for 'not dates', but I used him as an example because my mother seems to be particularly fond/supportive of him. This is making me consider giving him a chance compared to the other guys, but again... Agreement with myself. My mother has never advocated for anyone or suggested that I should give someone a chance before, which makes me think there might be a compelling reason for her support. She's perceptive, and although we may not always see eye to eye, she knows me very very well. Therefore, if she's rooting for someone, there's likely a good reason, and that's why I'm contemplating my approach. It's not specifically for this guy, he could be trash and my mothers opinions could be trash, spending time with him would reveal that. It's about my approach and whether I'm doing something incorrectly or perhaps completely wrong.

I agree with the idea that adults should build relationships authentically, but I also acknowledge the complexity of this sentiment. Ignoring the pervasive dynamics between men and women in the world around me feels like it could be a blind spot in my approach. It leads me to speculate whether unintentionally, I might be engaging in similar dynamics. My intentions are pure, but I worry that my actions may inadvertently contribute to the same problems.

I've noticed that many of my past partners have exhibited similar behaviors in regards to attaching to my interests. I think people, in general, have a tendency to adapt their interests to match their partner's, and I've observed that this can erode relationships. I draw a distinction between taking an interest in your partner's hobbies and completely subsuming your own interests for the sake of the relationship. I've encountered more women who engage in the latter, compromising their authenticity to appear more appealing. This pattern ultimately leads to unhappiness, but I don't think it's a 'guy' thing as I've personally seen more women do this than men.

I can definitely understand your point of view, but I can't say I feel the same. I don't want to be taken care of because I don't need to be taken care of. I'm self-sufficient. I don't need anyone to fight my battles, I don't need anyone to help me with things because I can figure everything out on my own. If I'm putting a piece of furniture together and it says it requires three people, I know I can put it together by myself. I'm not calling up two people and saying 'the directions say...'. That's probably a personal flaw, but I know I'm completely capable even if it's incredibly difficult. It would be nice to have a partner who was reliable enough that I could ask for assistance casually, they would be able to provide it adequately. This does not occur with the people I've dated due to their timidity. Tasks are approached with an 'I don't know if I can' attitude versus a 'this is going to get done' attitude. I seem to attract partners who are the opposite of me, which results in me assuming a parental role and leading the relationship. This dynamic is draining when my partner is fully capable of taking care of themselves but chooses not to or their own lack of self confidence causes them to fear making mistakes. I don't want to become a mother figure to my partner, and that's why I want to avoid such situations altogether.

I'm not without my faults in relationships, either. I keep my partners at arm's length, and I'm hesitant to accept their help in any capacity. I've noticed that when I do ask for assistance, it often leads to disappointment, as tasks are either done poorly or require my constant guidance. To avoid this, I've developed a mindset that expects incompetence from others. Unfortunately, this distance I create only makes my partners want to cling to me even more, exacerbating my feeling of suffocation. But I can't rely on them, so I'm left doing everything for both of us.

For example, in a situation with an ex, a simple comment I made about super dark chocolate turned into a series of misunderstandings. I mentioned my occasional preference for super dark chocolate, but he interpreted it as me loving dark chocolate. This miscommunication led to him buying me dark chocolate gifts repeatedly, even though I didn't actually enjoy them. Expressing my honest feelings about it right off the bat simply led to more misunderstandings and in the end, I felt obligated to eat them to avoid him becoming upset, which only made matters worse. It became clear that he didn't truly understand me, and it left me feeling frustrated and unheard.

I'm very direct. But I believe timid people are not accustomed to directness because they themselves lack the ability to be direct. So when confronted with directness, they see it as indirectness. It doesn't work.

To avoid such complications in the future, I've decided to distance myself from individuals who appear timid. I believe this will allow me to be my authentic self without fear of misunderstandings. However, I also recognize that distinguishing between timidity and someone merely "playing it smart" is challenging. It looks exactly the same. This uncertainty makes it difficult to gauge a person's true nature. I have the ability to see beyond surface actions and words, which makes timid peoples timid actions understandable to me. But I've realized that I can't be the one to rescue someone from their fear, as it tends to consume me in the process, so I have to avoid it.

While I'm somewhat unsure about my approach, I'm leaning towards sticking with it for now, as it aligns with what I think is best for me. I'm not trying to please anyone else. I'm simply trying to make a logical choice to avoid entering another relationship that won't fulfill me. However, I'm hesitant to openly discuss my preferences with others, as I fear it might lead to misinterpretation and unwanted attention. So, for the time being, I think I'll maintain my current approach as thus far, the only flaw I see is one where it excludes men who 'play it smart'. I think I would prefer to be with someone who doesn't 'play' at all.

So, a bit of passing chit chat with Captain Birdseye from time to time, equates to... What? Marriage material?

I'm dubious.

Not at all. It's not specifically about this individual, it's about my future approach to relationships. You see, I struggle with a persistent issue where I believe I'm communicating clearly, yet others often fail to listen or grasp my point. It's actually lead me to believe that I'm not communicating clearly at all, so I just shut up, shut down and stay away from everyone, because I can't be more clear. This pattern has persisted throughout my life, leading me to prefer solitude, because I now perceive people as inept or incompetent. Up until now, I never considered this person a potential partner because he hasn't directly expressed his feelings for me. While I'm aware of his affection, his apparent hesitation, which I interpret as timidity, doesn't align with what I seek in a partner. My opinion of him remains positive though, he's a kind person.

What's prompting me to reconsider how I'm currently approaching things is my mother's strong hinting about him. She knows me exceptionally well and has never endorsed anyone before. Yet, pursuing this possible connection would mean breaking the personal agreement I've made to myself as I would have to be the one to approach him because most men are... I won't say what I want to say, but I know men would take great offense to it and argue with me despite it's truth. I don't think it's a risk worth taking, but I'm beginning to question the validity and feasibility of my approach. I wonder if my current stance is overly stringent due to my desire to avoid another period of forcing myself to eat dark chocolate bars for months on end to avoid my partner becoming upset, or if it's actually just a good approach.

 

[ReesePiece23]

I don't mind if people talk about me when I'm not around, whether it's positive or negative, it doesn't bother me. I recognize that I have no real control over what others say or think about me beyond my own actions, so I don't let it concern me. I just worry about what I say and do. Regarding the guy at work, I don't believe my mother is divulging intimate details of my life or sharing private information about me that I wouldn't share with others. In our workplace, there are 5 guys just like him who have shown an interest in me and often invite me out for 'not dates', but I used him as an example because my mother seems to be particularly fond/supportive of him. This is making me consider giving him a chance compared to the other guys, but again... Agreement with myself. My mother has never advocated for anyone or suggested that I should give someone a chance before, which makes me think there might be a compelling reason for her support. She's perceptive, and although we may not always see eye to eye, she knows me very very well. Therefore, if she's rooting for someone, there's likely a good reason, and that's why I'm contemplating my approach. It's not specifically for this guy, he could be trash and my mothers opinions could be trash, spending time with him would reveal that. It's about my approach and whether I'm doing something incorrectly or perhaps completely wrong.

I agree with the idea that adults should build relationships authentically, but I also acknowledge the complexity of this sentiment. Ignoring the pervasive dynamics between men and women in the world around me feels like it could be a blind spot in my approach. It leads me to speculate whether unintentionally, I might be engaging in similar dynamics. My intentions are pure, but I worry that my actions may inadvertently contribute to the same problems.

I've noticed that many of my past partners have exhibited similar behaviors in regards to attaching to my interests. I think people, in general, have a tendency to adapt their interests to match their partner's, and I've observed that this can erode relationships. I draw a distinction between taking an interest in your partner's hobbies and completely subsuming your own interests for the sake of the relationship. I've encountered more women who engage in the latter, compromising their authenticity to appear more appealing. This pattern ultimately leads to unhappiness, but I don't think it's a 'guy' thing as I've personally seen more women do this than men.

I can definitely understand your point of view, but I can't say I feel the same. I don't want to be taken care of because I don't need to be taken care of. I'm self-sufficient. I don't need anyone to fight my battles, I don't need anyone to help me with things because I can figure everything out on my own. If I'm putting a piece of furniture together and it says it requires three people, I know I can put it together by myself. I'm not calling up two people and saying 'the directions say...'. That's probably a personal flaw, but I know I'm completely capable even if it's incredibly difficult. It would be nice to have a partner who was reliable enough that I could ask for assistance casually, they would be able to provide it adequately. This does not occur with the people I've dated due to their timidity. Tasks are approached with an 'I don't know if I can' attitude versus a 'this is going to get done' attitude. I seem to attract partners who are the opposite of me, which results in me assuming a parental role and leading the relationship. This dynamic is draining when my partner is fully capable of taking care of themselves but chooses not to or their own lack of self confidence causes them to fear making mistakes. I don't want to become a mother figure to my partner, and that's why I want to avoid such situations altogether.

I'm not without my faults in relationships, either. I keep my partners at arm's length, and I'm hesitant to accept their help in any capacity. I've noticed that when I do ask for assistance, it often leads to disappointment, as tasks are either done poorly or require my constant guidance. To avoid this, I've developed a mindset that expects incompetence from others. Unfortunately, this distance I create only makes my partners want to cling to me even more, exacerbating my feeling of suffocation. But I can't rely on them, so I'm left doing everything for both of us.

For example, in a situation with an ex, a simple comment I made about super dark chocolate turned into a series of misunderstandings. I mentioned my occasional preference for super dark chocolate, but he interpreted it as me loving dark chocolate. This miscommunication led to him buying me dark chocolate gifts repeatedly, even though I didn't actually enjoy them. Expressing my honest feelings about it right off the bat simply led to more misunderstandings and in the end, I felt obligated to eat them to avoid him becoming upset, which only made matters worse. It became clear that he didn't truly understand me, and it left me feeling frustrated and unheard.

I'm very direct. But I believe timid people are not accustomed to directness because they themselves lack the ability to be direct. So when confronted with directness, they see it as indirectness. It doesn't work.

To avoid such complications in the future, I've decided to distance myself from individuals who appear timid. I believe this will allow me to be my authentic self without fear of misunderstandings. However, I also recognize that distinguishing between timidity and someone merely "playing it smart" is challenging. It looks exactly the same. This uncertainty makes it difficult to gauge a person's true nature. I have the ability to see beyond surface actions and words, which makes timid peoples timid actions understandable to me. But I've realized that I can't be the one to rescue someone from their fear, as it tends to consume me in the process, so I have to avoid it.

While I'm somewhat unsure about my approach, I'm leaning towards sticking with it for now, as it aligns with what I think is best for me. I'm not trying to please anyone else. I'm simply trying to make a logical choice to avoid entering another relationship that won't fulfill me. However, I'm hesitant to openly discuss my preferences with others, as I fear it might lead to misinterpretation and unwanted attention. So, for the time being, I think I'll maintain my current approach as thus far, the only flaw I see is one where it excludes men who 'play it smart'. I think I would prefer to be with someone who doesn't 'play' at all.



Not at all. It's not specifically about this individual, it's about my future approach to relationships. You see, I struggle with a persistent issue where I believe I'm communicating clearly, yet others often fail to listen or grasp my point. It's actually lead me to believe that I'm not communicating clearly at all, so I just shut up, shut down and stay away from everyone, because I can't be more clear. This pattern has persisted throughout my life, leading me to prefer solitude, because I now perceive people as inept or incompetent. Up until now, I never considered this person a potential partner because he hasn't directly expressed his feelings for me. While I'm aware of his affection, his apparent hesitation, which I interpret as timidity, doesn't align with what I seek in a partner. My opinion of him remains positive though, he's a kind person.

What's prompting me to reconsider how I'm currently approaching things is my mother's strong hinting about him. She knows me exceptionally well and has never endorsed anyone before. Yet, pursuing this possible connection would mean breaking the personal agreement I've made to myself as I would have to be the one to approach him because most men are... I won't say what I want to say, but I know men would take great offense to it and argue with me despite it's truth. I don't think it's a risk worth taking, but I'm beginning to question the validity and feasibility of my approach. I wonder if my current stance is overly stringent due to my desire to avoid another period of forcing myself to eat dark chocolate bars for months on end to avoid my partner becoming upset, or if it's actually just a good approach.

I see.

So, you want a man to lead, to initiate, to KNOW where a date is going so that you're not aimlessly walking for miles because he didn't book a table (Freudian slip Reese?) And one who pursues you with purpose without being needy (yes, this can be done guys, it's called assuming the attraction.)

And you're worried that he might not be - shall we say, at this level?

Okay.

Well, anomalies always arise - you're not always going to know a person's character right away, at least not until you get them out. He might actually be closer to what you want than you realise.

The workplace is actually quite stifling at times, and it's not always appropriate to fully let ourselves go in the way that would allow for natural flirtation (for want of a better word) to take place.

My suggestion is to take it on the chin this once, and ask him out for a drink - but keep the time spent together within a set time frame, and don't call it a date. Even say "I've got a couple of hours free on Thursday" so that he gets the idea in his head already that it's two hours. (You'll know within the first hour what he wants, especially if he knows he's down to minutes to do something.)

*I had a first date once that lasted for an entire weekend, it was exhausting. So keep it to a couple of hours for your own mental health.

If you're still not feeling it after that, and if he isn't showing any intent to get you out for the second time, then it's easy to brush it off as "a drink" and nothing more. Both of you return to life as normal.

I don't think you need to worry, a first date to a relationship is a gradual journey, just like putting a mosaic together. If you lay the pieces in correctly and don't rush pieces in, then the dark chocolate shouldn't rain down on you.

 

[Plenipotent]

I see.

So, you want a man to lead, to initiate, to KNOW where a date is going so that you're not aimlessly walking for miles because he didn't book a table (Freudian slip Reese?) And one who pursues you with purpose without being needy (yes, this can be done guys, it's called assuming the attraction.)

And you're worried that he might not be - shall we say, at this level?

Yes, I believe so, but I'm not sure what you mean by the 'same level'. The dark chocolate rain, hahaha.

I always make my intentions clear from the beginning. I don't expect elaborate plans or speeches, but I now require verbal communication of genuine interest beyond just trying to befriend me in order to get alone time. This is a personal agreement I've made with myself.

I'm very direct and ensure there's a mutual understanding of our intentions whenever I go anywhere with someone. That's why I'm the one who initiates things. If I'm interested in getting to know someone better, I approach them directly, express my intentions, and ask if they're interested. It often surprises them, either because they wanted to ask me out and were too afraid of rejection or because it's unusual for a woman to make the first move.

While I understand these fears, I've noticed a pattern in my relationships. Men who can't express themselves in a straightforward manner tend to struggle with taking charge in their lives, which makes me unhappy. I understand their intentions, so they don't have to express them directly. But this leads to them never expressing themselves because... I already know so what's the point? I even tried the 'I'm not going to do what you want until you tell me and play dumb' approach as a last ditch effort to allow my last partner to express himself directly. It just ended with him being grumpy with his arms crossed, sitting on the couch and being angry at me because I ignored his, 'Man, I haven't eaten in a while...' like comments. He could have just told me he was hungry or asked me to make him a snack. But he refused to be direct and just sat there upset instead. It's one thing to be able to understand your partners wants and desires without having to ask them, it's another for them to recognize that and realize they don't have to do anything so they just don't. It's just me, constantly having to do mental gymnastics to figure everything out and it's exhausting. But when that's attached to someone who latches onto you and wants to do everything you want to do because they live in a state of fear of you for no reason other than their own lack of self-confidence, it's suffocating.

So, I've decided to avoid such men by not making the first move, especially if I sense they're interested. If they're too timid to approach me, they'll likely remain passive throughout the relationship, and I don't want to be the one who has to make all the decisions and takes charge with everything.

I'm not stupid. I think most women aren't. I can tell a guy likes me or when he's just being friendly. It's not rocket science. It's 1+1. When a guy attempts to ask me out indirectly, I can see through the guise. They want to go on a date but are afraid of scaring me off, so they're indirect. I always ask them if they're trying to ask me out or just being friendly. Their response usually reveals their true intentions, or they lie because they're still afraid to admit it. If they lie, I make it clear that we can only be friends, and the liars don't follow through because I've already made my intentions known so they don't need to waste their time pretending with me.

While shyness is rather cute to me, it tends to persist in relationships, causing miscommunication and problems. Timid people, I find, often struggle to be direct, misinterpreting straightforwardness as indirectness. Since I'm direct, I'm constantly being misunderstood. This is what my experiences has taught me. People are trying to 'figure out what I'm getting at'. I'm not getting at anything. I've expressed myself honestly. There's nothing else to get. It's right there. No hidden messages or meaning.

I understand that we live in a world where honesty is essentially the worst thing a person can do, so it's unusual and is received wrong, but I don't want to be dishonest just so the other kids want to play with me. They're not bad people, but it seems like everyone wants directness and honesty until they get it, and then they can't handle it. This is what makes me appear confident and strong to everyone, but I'm not. I'm just honest and direct.

I don't play coy when I can sense someone's interest, and I don't like pretending. I think most women can tell when someone has a crush, but they feign ignorance, which is what I think leads to the dreaded "friend zone" situation. It's straightforward for me. I don't want to play stupid. And don't get me wrong, I absolutely can. But it makes me feel rotten, so I avoid it.

I appreciate your suggestion, but it doesn't align with how I operate. I want clarity in my interactions. I won't sit down with a guy and pretend we're not both assessing each other. I don't think it's wise for me to invest time in someone who can't at least express themselves directly, as it's not fair to either of us. I want to avoid those people entirely.

I do understand that work can be a tricky environment, but he has tried the 'not-date' approach multiple times, and because of my agreement with myself, I've politely declined them. I don't need to figure out if he likes me or figure out if he's a good guy, there are other things that I require to know in order to even find him attractive. I have no deep desire to know him better right now beyond my mothers hinting at him which leads me to believe there may be something there. But this isn't about him specifically. The issue is my agreement of directness.

Do you think that I should selectively ignore my agreement with myself? For example, with this guy because my mother has hinted? Or should I keep my agreement with myself? Or should I just adjust my agreement with myself?

Now I'm not saying someone has to come up to me and spill their guts, but something as simple as, "Hey, you want to get together sometime outside of work, just you and me?" Something that says 'I have interest in you' and not 'I'm just trying to pretend to be your friend to get close to you', you get me? I wonder if that is too strict and I'm losing out on opportunities to meet the right person for me or if it's actually as seamless as I think it is.

 

[LoveDivine]

So, a bit of passing chit chat with Captain Birdseye from time to time, equates to... What? Marriage material?

I'm dubious.

This made me really laugh

 

[Plenipotent]

This made me really laugh

Same.

 

[Plenipotent]

I'm right now looking up what 'assume the attraction' means to see if this is what I'm looking for. Perhaps I can find clarity...

 

[Plenipotent]

This is the first thing that popped up on google: Why You Absolutely Need to Assume Attraction with Women

"Why? Because most women just aren’t going to come out and tell you they like you."

Opp... Well, that's definitely not me...

This entire article is a nightmare. Now I have to be leery of men 'assuming the attraction' because they read this stuff. LORD! Give me the strength!!!

I don't want a man to 'assume the attraction', I just want a man to go 'Huh, she's nice. I think I like her.' where he openly expresses his interest in me without any hidden agendas. Rather than someone trying to be my friend just to win my affection or beat around the bush about it. And I know that's scary for guys, which is why I'm going 'maybe this is the wrong approach'. But I also know the way I'm doing it, which is approaching people directly and being dead honest, has only attracted me partners who are incapable of doing anything like that and then I end up being the one taking charge the entire relationship and it cripples me because I'm basically being two people all the time. I don't assume anyone is attracted to me though. I either know, or I want to find out and I ask. I just go for it. I'm not afraid or put down if the answer is no. I'm not willing to play stupid though. And I know that most women don't work this way, if a guy approaches them they'll basically become flustered right on the spot and start spouting nonsense, but it's nothing but a waste of time to me. After reading this article, I feel like I've been dating women, very honestly. The whole... Dropping hints stuff? That's tom foolery. It way faster and more effective to be direct. Why is everyone wasting their time?! It doesn't make sense! Does it actually make sense to everyone else? Am I insane? I think I might be insane.

Maybe I should just date robots and call it a life. "You hungry, Robot?" - "No. I am robot. I do not eat food so I can not hunger." - "Cool. I'm going to go make a salad." - "Okay. Bleep bloop."

 

[LoveDivine]

Maybe he doesn't think you are reciprocating interest (when you have chatted) and doesn't want to ask you out officially. I agree that's not the best way for him to handle things, but you could help him out once and see if he takes it over from there. If you go out on a date, and he still doesn't seem to be capable of taking the lead or showing some initiative then you know he isn't right for you. It doesn't hurt to give him a chance. The fact that your mom seems to like him could be a plus in his favor.

 

[Plenipotent]

Maybe he doesn't think you are reciprocating interest (when you have chatted) and doesn't want to ask you out officially. I agree that's not the best way for him to handle things, but you could help him out once and see if he takes it over from there. If you go out on a date, and he still doesn't seem to be capable of taking the lead or showing some initiative then you know he isn't right for you. It doesn't hurt to give him a chance. The fact that your mom seems to like him could be a plus in his favor.

So you see a flaw in my agreement with myself? If so, using the above example, how would you recalibrate my current self-agreement? Should I just make exceptions if trustworthy people suggest it? Should I consider changing it up entirely?

 

[Citanul]

Maybe he doesn't think you are reciprocating interest (when you have chatted) and doesn't want to ask you out officially.

That thought occurred to me, but he doesn't seem to have any problem with letting other people know that he's interested in Plenipotent, so I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to have him express it to her. Yes, she could say no, but it's not like it's really going to affect the current dynamic between them.

 

[LoveDivine]

That thought occurred to me, but he doesn't seem to have any problem with letting other people know that he's interested in Plenipotent, so I don't think it's unreasonable for her to want to have him express it to her. Yes, she could say no, but it's not like it's really going to affect the current dynamic between them.

That's a good point.

 

[LoveDivine]

So you see a flaw in my agreement with myself? If so, using the above example, how would you recalibrate my current self-agreement? Should I just make exceptions if trustworthy people suggest it? Should I consider changing it up entirely?

Oh I'm not sure. I don't think there is anything wrong with your criteria. You want someone who is straightforward and mature. I think that is reasonable. My only wonder was what does your mom see in him that she feels is worth you giving him a chance. Does he have some good/ kind qualities that she's picked up on. Maybe he's just shy and not going about this properly. I'm not advocating for him, but some guys are shy and might need a nudge, lol

I think the key to this is what you think about your mom's input. Is she the type who wants you married ? Haha. Or is she a good judge of character. If I was in the same situation, I'd give him a chance based on my mom's input because she is a good judge of character and she's not trying to match me up haha. So it is hard to offer input without knowing your family dynamic. Sometimes I have been frustrated in the past and quick to write someone off over something and I listened to the objective advice of others. In the end, things didn't work, but I gave the person a chance to clear misunderstandings up or prove themselves. I'm glad I did because I never wonder if I missed any opportunities.

Awhile ago I had my own experience like this. I thought the guy was nice, but lacked spiritual interest. He seemed so incapable of holding deep conversations. I wasn't sure if he was shy and awkward or just not interested in spiritual things. It was hard to tell. I almost wrote him off after one particular text he sent. It seemed from that text that he was disimissing my request to discuss something I asked about. I was almost done right there, but I wasn't sure because texting can lead to misunderstandings. I brought it up to him and he assured me that's not how he meant it. I agreed to a few dates. After a few dates, it was clear that he just didn't have any interest. So my initial impression from our text exchanges was right all along. But, I was still happy that I went on those dates. I proved to myself that we weren't a good match and I gave him a chance. I guess I'd always rather be 100% sure. I don't want to question my decisions later. I'm more of the mindset that you lose nothing by giving someone a chance. But that's just how I think

 

[Plenipotent]

I've already concluded that I'm not going to be bending my rules in order to find out for this particular individual. He is an example of the problem, not THE problem. This guy and my mother aren't puzzling to me. That situation is handled and dealt with in my mind and has been. I'm not pursuing him, I have no interest in him beyond my mothers interest in him, which is not enough for me considering my mothers personality. I thought about it and came to a conclusion on my own before I posted this thread. I'm not confused about what to do with this guy or any other guy, men are not complicated, I'm complicated. I'm simply uncertain if my approach for the future is wise and beneficial to me.

I feel like if I don't express this though, I'm just going to keep receiving advice about how to 'go about this guy' which is not what I'm asking. This guy is a solved problem in my mind and I'm finding it difficult to glean helpful information about my actual issue as the conversation keeps seeming to become centered on this 'one' guy, and while I'm using him as an example, I think everyone assumes I'm talking about him. So I'm going to attempt a different approach and adjust my language.

The issue that I'm having trouble with is like an internal war over my approach to situations LIKE that.

Say that someone who knows me very well, whose opinion of others I inherently trust, suggests or hints that I should give someone a chance, but I know that person is too afraid to approach me directly. I've already made an agreement with myself to the tune of 'oh well, too bad, so sad'. They potentially could know me well enough to perhaps see something that I'm too analytical to see. My brain tells me 'I should find out, there may be an issue with my current thought process that I'm not aware of and not seeing, I can see flaws within my plan, is it the best plan?' at the same time it's saying, 'it's an illogical assumption that this person knows you better than you know yourself. Your plan is solid. Avoid the issues all together. Stay the course. You don't need anyone anyway, it's not worth it. Avoid eating dark chocolate bars for months on end or you're going to be miserable.'

I also am aware that God does not send you what you want, he sends you what you need, so I have to keep that in mind as well. My strict approach could be cutting me off from people who work very well with me. I've only been with timid people, timid people don't work with me, but I also recognize that timid men and confident men operate the same way. They play it like a game and strategize instead of being direct. I'm aware that I'm being so stringent because I know that I'm incapable of thriving in a relationship with a timid individual. So to avoid them all together, I have slammed shut the door on everyone who doesn't have the stones to knock. It isn't lost on me that I'm shutting out more than the timid. But in my mind 'that's perfectly acceptable' because if they're going to play games in the first place, they probably are going to continue that non-sense into the relationship, so good riddance.

I'm perfectly fine with my arrangement with myself. Doesn't bother me at all. But is it actually best for me? Is there another way I can go about this that would be as effective?

I'm extremely easy to date. I've got 6 things on my list of criteria. So I'll give MOST people a chance. The issue with giving most people a chance, is that now with the additional knowledge of 'I don't work well with timid individuals', if I'm not able to decipher if they're a timid individual from the start, I'm going to end up hurting them. Timid individuals don't handle rejection well. Even if it's a kind rejection, it's still rejection. It's especially brutal on them if I approach them first and ask them out and then tell them that I don't think they're a good fit for me. They didn't get the chance to prep themselves for rejection because they think 'oh wow, she must REALLY like me because she came after me!' and explaining that I'm just direct and bold and have an interest in them means ABSOLUTELY nothing to a guy. The second I show ANY interest, everything that comes out of my mouth after that is 'she really likes me, and she's saying that because-' NOPE. I'm interested. If I liked ya, I'd tell ya. To your face. If I had a crush on you, I'd tell you. To your face. I'm not hiding anything or being coy. But they don't see it that way, ESPECIALLY timid guys. And I understand that, because most women don't operate the Plenipotent way.

So. I gotta stop approaching men. Let them come to me. Ignore all the ones who can't. In my mind, this solves all the problems. But... IS IT BEST?! Is it actually beneficial to me or am I just trying so hard to avoid hurting myself and others that I'm essentially missing out on joy in the process? I KNOW when I hurt someone with my actions. I don't get to be niave and play dumb. I KNOW. If I let a guy down and he's CRUSHED and trying to play it off? Too late. I know he's crushed. I just get to feel bad too! Nobody wins! Everyone's sad! I know I sound like a robot, but I have feelings too and it doesn't make me feel good to hurt people, but I know directness CAN hurt people. But this is me. I can't change who I am, my only option is lying about it, and that sure doesn't feel good either.

And you may ask, "Why do you care about their feelings? You're not going to date them anyway, so who cares?" I care. I am weak. I am not a strong person. That is a human being. They're not an accessory to the Plenitpotent show. I care about peoples feelings and the effects my actions have on other people. I always have, I probably always will. I know I can sound like an emotionless husk, I'm not. I don't want to bring anyone down. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I am more than capable of doing so and I know I am.

Timid people do not seem to understand or refuse to grasp that they are not less. I'm just a person. So are they. I'm not better than them or anyone else. I'm not even a millimeter above them. We are all just PEOPLE. Just meat and bones who think things and say things. But if I reject them, they take it personal. It's never that 'we just don't work out because our personalities don't work well together' it's always 'there's something wrong with me'. Even when you explain it to them, it's 'there's something wrong with me, they're just too nice to tell me and now I'm going to be wondering what's wrong with me.' They're just not right for me, that's it!

So! Avoid hurting others, avoid letting myself get hurt. My plan? Close the door and wait for a knock even though it's not how I function best. Suggestions? Advice? Maybe some perspectives I've yet to contemplate or think about that I can reflect on? Angles you haven't seen me mention? Or am I just overthinking all of this?

 

[Plenipotent]

Oh I'm not sure. I don't think there is anything wrong with your criteria. You want someone who is straightforward and mature. I think that is reasonable. My only wonder was what does your mom see in him that she feels is worth you giving him a chance. Does he have some good/ kind qualities that she's picked up on. Maybe he's just shy and not going about this properly. I'm not advocating for him, but some guys are shy and might need a nudge, lol

I think the key to this is what you think about your mom's input. Is she the type who wants you married ? Haha. Or is she a good judge of character. If I was in the same situation, I'd give him a chance based on my mom's input because she is a good judge of character and she's not trying to match me up haha. So it is hard to offer input without knowing your family dynamic. Sometimes I have been frustrated in the past and quick to write someone off over something and I listened to the objective advice of others. In the end, things didn't work, but I gave the person a chance to clear misunderstandings up or prove themselves. I'm glad I did because I never wonder if I missed any opportunities.

Awhile ago I had my own experience like this. I thought the guy was nice, but lacked spiritual interest. He seemed so incapable of holding deep conversations. I wasn't sure if he was shy and awkward or just not interested in spiritual things. It was hard to tell. I almost wrote him off after one particular text he sent. It seemed from that text that he was disimissing my request to discuss something I asked about. I was almost done right there, but I wasn't sure because texting can lead to misunderstandings. I brought it up to him and he assured me that's not how he meant it. I agreed to a few dates. After a few dates, it was clear that he just didn't have any interest. So my initial impression from our text exchanges was right all along. But, I was still happy that I went on those dates. I proved to myself that we weren't a good match and I gave him a chance. I guess I'd always rather be 100% sure. I don't want to question my decisions later. I'm more of the mindset that you lose nothing by giving someone a chance. But that's just how I think

I just wanted to say, that I think you went about that the right way. In my opinion.

 

[Sketcher]

I've noticed a common trait in my previous partners, they were all timid in their approach to me. I was the one who initiated the relationship or even initiated discussion about a relationship, which led to me taking on the central role and directing the relationship. I ended up with partners who tried to conform to my interests and hobbies rather than embracing their own individuality. I consistently encouraged them to pursue their own passions, socialize with their own friends, and be their own person. However, they always seemed afraid of being alone or losing me, so they never made decisions that didn't revolve around me. I repeatedly had to urge them to spend time with their friends and engage in activities they enjoyed, but they rarely did because they were fixated on me and my interests, fearing that I would lose interest in them if they pursued their own desires. By the end of each relationship, I felt like I had completely lost my identity and was utterly miserable.

As an example, I love Star Trek. None of my past partners shared this interest, but they pretended to like it to get closer to me. I could tell they were faking it. I didn't need them to share all my interests to enjoy their company; I preferred having my own activities and personal space. While I may seem extroverted, I'm not. I cherish my solitude and my personal private pursuits. I have no desire to start a business or seek fame, but occasionally, I enjoy sitting down to crochet while watching a movie. I'm perfectly fine if someone wants to join me for a movie and do their own thing too, but when they decide to sit beside me and crochet despite having no interest in it, solely to get closer to me, it usually doesn't turn out well. I appreciate when my partners have their own hobbies or want to partake in mine, but when they insist on forcing themselves to undergo mine, it ends badly. I appreciate my partners having their own friends and going out with their friends or wanting to spend time with mine, but when they think they have to be best friends with my best friends, it usually ends badly. I encouraged them to go out with their friends and enjoy activities they loved. Do what you want to do, don't feel obligated to cater to me, I'm perfectly fine. However, they continued to attach themselves to me and my interests, attempting to adapt to my preferences.

Quick question, how many of those men were his age? With wisdom and cynicism comes less of a willingness to do that.

So, I made a decision! If a man doesn't approach me directly and ask me out, I won't let him entertain the idea of a relationship with me. This is because I've found that I'm consistently unhappy with timid individuals or people who seem to lack the ability to take charge. It won't help them, it won't help me. However, I understand that many women can be intimidating to men, and I probably come off as very intimidating to men. I recognize that it may not always be easy for men to approach women, even if they aren't timid. I appreciate the need to be cautious with one's heart. Guarding your heart is smart and good. However, from my perspective, cautious men, though they are smart, look exactly the same as timid men on the surface. They act the same, even if they aren't, and it's challenging to distinguish between the two at face value when you know nothing about them.

I don't know if you are intimidating, but if you come off as outgoing and/or not interested in conversing with him, he might not think the effort of asking out someone he has to see occasionally at work is worth it. If you come off as outgoing, then he would probably very reasonably guess that if you liked him, then you would talk to him. And if you come off as not wanting to talk to him, that you are unlikely to like him. Why would he want to take a woman who doesn't like him out on a date?

Just as you made an agreement with yourself, guys make agreements with themselves. An agreement I made with myself long ago is to not pursue any relationships at any level where there is no reciprocity. I won't keep initiating greetings or conversations because I have had enough one-sided overtures. There comes a threshold when you've just had enough of not having reciprocation and once you've past it, you're done with enduring it forever. If this guy is 42 he has had plenty of time to pass it.

My mother has never advocated for anyone or suggested that I should give someone a chance before, which makes me think there might be a compelling reason for her support. She's perceptive, and although we may not always see eye to eye, she knows me very very well. Therefore, if she's rooting for someone, there's likely a good reason, and that's why I'm contemplating my approach. It's not specifically for this guy, he could be trash and my mothers opinions could be trash, spending time with him would reveal that. It's about my approach and whether I'm doing something incorrectly or perhaps completely wrong.

Backing up for a second, has she ever played matchmaker successfully with anyone? And is she still with your dad? If not, what kinds of other men did she pick for herself? And how did those work out?

I'm not without my faults in relationships, either. I keep my partners at arm's length, and I'm hesitant to accept their help in any capacity. I've noticed that when I do ask for assistance, it often leads to disappointment, as tasks are either done poorly or require my constant guidance. To avoid this, I've developed a mindset that expects incompetence from others. Unfortunately, this distance I create only makes my partners want to cling to me even more, exacerbating my feeling of suffocation. But I can't rely on them, so I'm left doing everything for both of us.

For example, in a situation with an ex, a simple comment I made about super dark chocolate turned into a series of misunderstandings. I mentioned my occasional preference for super dark chocolate, but he interpreted it as me loving dark chocolate. This miscommunication led to him buying me dark chocolate gifts repeatedly, even though I didn't actually enjoy them. Expressing my honest feelings about it right off the bat simply led to more misunderstandings and in the end, I felt obligated to eat them to avoid him becoming upset, which only made matters worse. It became clear that he didn't truly understand me, and it left me feeling frustrated and unheard.

If you haven't been putting effort into politely communicating what you do expect, and how to flex around what they are able to do for you, I would get on that stat.

I'm very direct. But I believe timid people are not accustomed to directness because they themselves lack the ability to be direct. So when confronted with directness, they see it as indirectness. It doesn't work.

There's also the fact that you're female and they have very likely dealt with many other females that played mind games with them and expected them to get it. They might not know that you're really different.

Another factor is that directness is often frowned upon. If they have tried being direct and been punished for it, that will put a damper on their directness when they meet you.

This is the first thing that popped up on google: Why You Absolutely Need to Assume Attraction with Women


Opp... Well, that's definitely not me...

This entire article is a nightmare. Now I have to be leery of men 'assuming the attraction' because they read this stuff. LORD! Give me the strength!!!

I don't want a man to 'assume the attraction', I just want a man to go 'Huh, she's nice. I think I like her.' where he openly expresses his interest in me without any hidden agendas. Rather than someone trying to be my friend just to win my affection or beat around the bush about it. And I know that's scary for guys, which is why I'm going 'maybe this is the wrong approach'.

That's a PUA site. I'm not surprised that you find the article to be a nightmare. Looking at the comments, it was written prior to #metoo. #metoo tanked the PUA business, and for good reason. The guys who were acting the way these "experts" were telling them to saw that they could get in very serious trouble in persisting to act that way, and some of those same "experts" were getting in trouble. Remember, you see this guy at work. If he's 42, he's probably had ample time to see office relationships end with sexual harassment claims. And if he doesn't know what kind of woman you are, he doesn't know if he's going to get in trouble even if he does nothing wrong.

So. I gotta stop approaching men. Let them come to me. Ignore all the ones who can't. In my mind, this solves all the problems.

How many people other than you know this is how you operate and that you won't budge from it?

 

[Plenipotent]

Quick question, how many of those men were his age? With wisdom and cynicism comes less of a willingness to do that.

None. I have only been in relationships with people within 3 years of my age.

If you haven't been putting effort into politely communicating what you do expect, and how to flex around what they are able to do for you, I would get on that stat.

That's something I can reflect on, thank you for that suggestion.

There's also the fact that you're female and they have very likely dealt with many other females that played mind games with them and expected them to get it. They might not know that you're really different.

I understand this.

Another factor is that directness is often frowned upon. If they have tried being direct and been punished for it, that will put a damper on their directness when they meet you.

I also understand this.

That's a PUA site. I'm not surprised that you find the article to be a nightmare. Looking at the comments, it was written prior to #metoo. #metoo tanked the PUA business, and for good reason. The guys who were acting the way these "experts" were telling them to saw that they could get in very serious trouble in persisting to act that way, and some of those same "experts" were getting in trouble. Remember, you see this guy at work. If he's 42, he's probably had ample time to see office relationships end with sexual harassment claims. And if he doesn't know what kind of woman you are, he doesn't know if he's going to get in trouble even if he does nothing wrong.


How many people other than you know this is how you operate and that you won't budge from it?

Not sure. I would say I've expressed this to two people (my mother and my best friend), but no one understands me so honestly, who knows if they even know.

I appreciate your input, but I actually don't require advice about the guy. That is a done and done situation in my mind. See, this is kind of the problem I have in relationships. Maybe you all can help me figure out where I'm going wrong? That might actually be more helpful than me trying to work on my self agreement.

I said, in the very first statement of my post, "To clarify, this isn't about the specific person in question; rather, he serves as an example that prompted my contemplation." He's just an example of a situation that caused me to contemplate future situations of a similar nature. He isn't the situation. I don't require advice about this particular guy. I'm not struggling to figure him out or figure out what I'm going to do about him.

But it really looks like everyone is trying to give me their advice about this guy. As if I somehow said, 'I need advice about this guy, here's my problem.' But I did not say that. I said it wasn't about this specific guy. So what is it that I said that is making everyone think that I need advice about this guy? How can I be more clear? I know I said anything will be very helpful, but it's kind of like...

"Hey, this guy did a weird thing and I realized I may have to experience this weird thing from people in the future. I'd like the most beneficial thing for me. This is what I've struggled with. So is what I'm doing okay or should I do something else?" And everyone is just... "Well, that guy is probably doing this weird thing because... Maybe if you do this, this guy will do that instead. Have you spent a lot of time around this guy? You're probably just not around him enough for him to not do that weird thing."

And then I'm sat here going, "... I already know all of this. Maybe if I tell them again that it's not about the guy, they'll get what I'm trying to get at..." but now I'm more interested in why everyone thinks I need advice about this guy when I said it wasn't about him to begin with.

I think the biggest flaw I have, is that I don't know how to be more clear, and no one seems to understand me.

I am getting bits and pieces of information from this and that, but it's very obvious that everyone thinks I need advice on this specific guy, and I'd like to know what I did/said to make everyone think that. Did I give TOO much information and confuse everyone? Should I cut back the information I provide to make it simpler to understand? Is it my wording? Is my language too informal or formal? Do I seem too focused on a specific thing? What is it?

See, I can understand other people VERY well, but I am completely lost on myself. So when I try to correct myself, I seek advice from others, but they don't give me anything usable because they don't understand me, so I can't fix me. So I resort to taking the defense with myself because I can't take the offense if I don't know what I'm attacking!

Help. Me.

 

[Citanul]

But it really looks like everyone is trying to give me their advice about this guy. As if I somehow said, 'I need advice about this guy, here's my problem.' But I did not say that. I said it wasn't about this specific guy. So what is it that I said that is making everyone think that I need advice about this guy? How can I be more clear?

The problem may have been that you went into a lot of detail about the guy. I think you probably could have shortened it quite a bit and still got your point across. But writing so much about the situation made it seem like it you were asking about it and people missed or forgot that you said you were using it as an example.