fighting my demon

[HorizonBlue]

I'm starting all over again, as I've started so many times before...stopped counting couple years ago...My demon (please, dont mind me calling my depression/biplolar disorder like that) will not let me alone, its here all the time, especially when I'm feeling down.. (already made my post on the depression forum, so please forgive me if I'm repeating myself)

people on the depression forum have gave me so many advices and im so grateful for that, but it seems my problem is somewhere else..

I am depressed, so much that Im searcing for the reason to get up from the bed every single day...even thinking about the worst, but wont go there, because i wont let my demon win over me...the problem is that its here with me every single day and its always finding the way to bring me down, whatever i do...tried everything and this forum is one way of me fighting it, even when i know this couple of moments of clarity when im able to talk about it will be all over in the morning and I'll find myself stuck with the same problems as the days before...
I'm sorry if Im not taling about it directly, but it hurts me even to think about, not to mention talking openly about everything..

It feels the Lord has turned His back on me and led me to the dark night...even if i know thats for my own benefit, so my faith can be strenghten, its eating me alive...the pain is real and its like my heart is bleeding every minute-its bleeding when im down out of shame, because i cant do anything about it and its bleeding when im manic because I get the feeling i dont need the Lord, I can do everything by myself and I dont ask for His guidance and dont feel i need to follow His Law...its the constant feeling of a shame and guilt thats tearing the flesh from of body...

Used to have the panic attacks, but learned to control them...whats left is the mind games with my own brain and just feel i cant fight it...even the worse thing is when i get the couple of days without my demon (depression) and thats when i get some hope my demon is beaten only for that feeling to be taken away the next morning...

Im feeling the shame that I even need to ask for the help, but when i cant thrust my own brain, thats when i realized i need some help...

Im desperate...want to win in this fight, but its been so long since i felt good about myself...

sometimes Im not even trying to solve this problem, but im just waiting for the day I will die...

dont now whats the wore thing: to be depressed or to go through the manic phase which gives you some hope...when its over, its even worse..

will i ever defeat my demon or should i just try to live with it...?

really dont know how to live with myself...

 

[Jeshu]

I'm starting all over again, as I've started so many times before...stopped counting couple years ago...My demon (please, dont mind me calling my depression/biplolar disorder like that) will not let me alone, its here all the time, especially when I'm feeling down.. (already made my post on the depression forum, so please forgive me if I'm repeating myself)

people on the depression forum have gave me so many advices and im so grateful for that, but it seems my problem is somewhere else..

I am depressed, so much that Im searcing for the reason to get up from the bed every single day...even thinking about the worst, but wont go there, because i wont let my demon win over me...the problem is that its here with me every single day and its always finding the way to bring me down, whatever i do...tried everything and this forum is one way of me fighting it, even when i know this couple of moments of clarity when im able to talk about it will be all over in the morning and I'll find myself stuck with the same problems as the days before...
I'm sorry if Im not taling about it directly, but it hurts me even to think about, not to mention talking openly about everything..

It feels the Lord has turned His back on me and led me to the dark night...even if i know thats for my own benefit, so my faith can be strenghten, its eating me alive...the pain is real and its like my heart is bleeding every minute-its bleeding when im down out of shame, because i cant do anything about it and its bleeding when im manic because I get the feeling i dont need the Lord, I can do everything by myself and I dont ask for His guidance and dont feel i need to follow His Law...its the constant feeling of a shame and guilt thats tearing the flesh from of body...

Used to have the panic attacks, but learned to control them...whats left is the mind games with my own brain and just feel i cant fight it...even the worse thing is when i get the couple of days without my demon (depression) and thats when i get some hope my demon is beaten only for that feeling to be taken away the next morning...

Im feeling the shame that I even need to ask for the help, but when i cant thrust my own brain, thats when i realized i need some help...

Im desperate...want to win in this fight, but its been so long since i felt good about myself...

sometimes Im not even trying to solve this problem, but im just waiting for the day I will die...

dont now whats the wore thing: to be depressed or to go through the manic phase which gives you some hope...when its over, its even worse..

will i ever defeat my demon or should i just try to live with it...?

really dont know how to live with myself...

Dear suffering child of God I would like to first of all say, I been where you must be now, also fighting demons, also loosing, suicidally depressed even.

Please be of good courage Jesus hasn't forsaken you.

Our Lord is emptying you out. You are heeding the thoughts and feelings which do not have their birth in the Holy Spirit but in sinful thinking and they need to be isolated so you can see for yourself that no good dwells in us when we heed such thoughts and feelings.

Where you are now I met up with;

Hate, despair, hopelessness, despair, doubt, guilt, fear, unbelief, bitterness, the mockers and the likes.

Jesus took all my inner good away and left me behind with the above, for 7 long years, all because I wouldn't forgive myself for being a sinner and for heeding the lies who told me God had given up on me, and not His truth that I was beloved.

In The End, Jesus came and threw all the demons and that in me which held onto that into the bottomless pit, Where I promptly cursed God and died to my miserable self in utter misery.

This happened about 31/2 years ago and I have steadily grown away from my depression though I'm still mentally ill, I'm doing heaps better and have renewed a loving relationship with Him. The good thing is I have no doubt, guilt, unbelief and hardly no fear left, Jesus wiped it completely out of me.

My advise is check if you have unforgiven sin in your life, sin where Christ hasn't liberated you yet, usually because we judge ourself and don't let Him into that part of our lives.

Be of very good courage, God disciplines those whom He loves, when I was in my misery I raised my voice up to Him, now I humble bow my head and thank Him from the bottom of my heart for setting me free.

 

[Biker Angel]

I'm starting all over again, as I've started so many times before...stopped counting couple years ago...My demon (please, dont mind me calling my depression/biplolar disorder like that) will not let me alone, its here all the time, especially when I'm feeling down.. (already made my post on the depression forum, so please forgive me if I'm repeating myself)

people on the depression forum have gave me so many advices and im so grateful for that, but it seems my problem is somewhere else..

I am depressed, so much that Im searcing for the reason to get up from the bed every single day...even thinking about the worst, but wont go there, because i wont let my demon win over me...the problem is that its here with me every single day and its always finding the way to bring me down, whatever i do...tried everything and this forum is one way of me fighting it, even when i know this couple of moments of clarity when im able to talk about it will be all over in the morning and I'll find myself stuck with the same problems as the days before...
I'm sorry if Im not taling about it directly, but it hurts me even to think about, not to mention talking openly about everything..

It feels the Lord has turned His back on me and led me to the dark night...even if i know thats for my own benefit, so my faith can be strenghten, its eating me alive...the pain is real and its like my heart is bleeding every minute-its bleeding when im down out of shame, because i cant do anything about it and its bleeding when im manic because I get the feeling i dont need the Lord, I can do everything by myself and I dont ask for His guidance and dont feel i need to follow His Law...its the constant feeling of a shame and guilt thats tearing the flesh from of body...

Used to have the panic attacks, but learned to control them...whats left is the mind games with my own brain and just feel i cant fight it...even the worse thing is when i get the couple of days without my demon (depression) and thats when i get some hope my demon is beaten only for that feeling to be taken away the next morning...

Im feeling the shame that I even need to ask for the help, but when i cant thrust my own brain, thats when i realized i need some help...

Im desperate...want to win in this fight, but its been so long since i felt good about myself...

sometimes Im not even trying to solve this problem, but im just waiting for the day I will die...

dont now whats the wore thing: to be depressed or to go through the manic phase which gives you some hope...when its over, its even worse..

will i ever defeat my demon or should i just try to live with it...?

really dont know how to live with myself...

I use to think that bipolarity was demon possession in the form
of a Djinn and even wrote a book about it. But now I am not sure,
since my depression makes me slow and dumb/stupid, can't think.
I too am depressed most of the time and for the first time in my
life. I was always up and manic until last year. If you look up the
word Djinn, you will find it related to Genie, genius, spirit being and
demon.

Here is a link to my book which I never finished since I got depressed.
But just know that it is a product of a manic episode and I am no longer
claiming it to be true, although it is full of interesting information.
http://bipolarityanddemonpossessionagiftinde.blogspot.com/

I will be praying for you.

 

[Brinmar]

I became manic 3 1/2 years ago. I'll go for days without sleep - my mind races with crazy thoughts. Sometimes I just sit and watch my mind go round and round - like watching some crazy movie. At first I blamed myself - If I had read my bible more, prayed more, leaned on God more, been a better christian - this would never have happened to me. Now I'm not sure why I'm manic - it sure has made me pray a lot more that I used too - and I lean on God pretty hard most days.

The ONE good thing about all this is that I have written TONS of sermons and lessons, I'll stay up all night and research for a lesson - it's like I can't stop. I'm teaching an adult Sunday school class and am starting up a new church in our town and everyone seems to like what I'm doing very much.

Just wish it didn't come at such a high price.
Heidi

 

[Jeshu]

I became manic 3 1/2 years ago. I'll go for days without sleep - my mind races with crazy thoughts. Sometimes I just sit and watch my mind go round and round - like watching some crazy movie. At first I blamed myself - If I had read my bible more, prayed more, leaned on God more, been a better christian - this would never have happened to me. Now I'm not sure why I'm manic - it sure has made me pray a lot more that I used too - and I lean on God pretty hard most days.

The ONE good thing about all this is that I have written TONS of sermons and lessons, I'll stay up all night and research for a lesson - it's like I can't stop. I'm teaching an adult Sunday school class and am starting up a new church in our town and everyone seems to like what I'm doing very much.

Just wish it didn't come at such a high price.
Heidi

Yes the cost is high but I marvel at the quality of the outcomes.

Heidi I relate so much to your story here. I mediate on the Bible and God's truths. I have done this for years sometimes for days on end without a break. Some of my best insights have months of sleepless nights attached to them, talking about the rising of the dawn, yet that is the impact the Word had on my by illness darkened spirituality that's for sure.

I'm a bit as Jacob once was I struggle with The Word during the night, not because of fear but because I love Him so much.

 

[Brinmar]

Thank you Jeshu for understanding and for your comments.

Before I was manic I'd read through the bible over and over again, but nothing clicked - it was like the same stuff over and over again. Now I read and get so much more out of it. I'm teaching an adult Sunday school, they like my classes very much and are really supportive. I get one lesson done and am off to the next one- I'm many lessons ahead and am doing bible commentaries with pastors that I have on my facebook. And, I'm starting a new church. I have to drive 50 miles to teach Sunday school and would like to have a church in town.

I told my class last Sunday that what I want to do is teach people to love God - because I love God and I'd do ANYTHING for Him.

Thanks for your encouragment,
Heidi

 

[bomichaels]

I'm very depressed right now too and it is hard to cope especially since I'm unemployed. My wife keeps telling me not to dwell on negative things and I know she is right. I'm trying to walk by faith and not by sight but it is really hard for me right now. I kept going to my bed yesterday but I realized it made the depression worse. It is hard for me to stop the stinking thinking too. I want to change my thinking patterns but it is
like trying to move a building with one hand. I'll pray for you. I know
what you are going through.

 

[Jeshu]

I'm very depressed right now too and it is hard to cope especially since I'm unemployed. My wife keeps telling me not to dwell on negative things and I know she is right. I'm trying to walk by faith and not by sight but it is really hard for me right now. I kept going to my bed yesterday but I realized it made the depression worse. It is hard for me to stop the stinking thinking too. I want to change my thinking patterns but it is
like trying to move a building with one hand. I'll pray for you. I know
what you are going through.

Dear friend and brother,

Don't demand so much from yourself, that's what the world teaches but that is not how our loving Father and Brother operate.

Love yourself unconditionally, love yourself also when you are no good, do the wrong thing, can't make etc, don't love wrong but love you the one that can't do it right. Give yourself mercy and grace for if you don't give it to yourself, how can God give it to you and how can you love others then? So please accept you can't do it and ask God to help you do it, step by step until you can walk by yourself once more.

Be greatly blessed.

 

[Jeshu]

Thank you Jeshu for understanding and for your comments.

Before I was manic I'd read through the bible over and over again, but nothing clicked - it was like the same stuff over and over again. Now I read and get so much more out of it. I'm teaching an adult Sunday school, they like my classes very much and are really supportive. I get one lesson done and am off to the next one- I'm many lessons ahead and am doing bible commentaries with pastors that I have on my facebook. And, I'm starting a new church. I have to drive 50 miles to teach Sunday school and would like to have a church in town.

I told my class last Sunday that what I want to do is teach people to love God - because I love God and I'd do ANYTHING for Him.

Thanks for your encouragment,
Heidi

Oh Heidi this sounds so exciting, and I so fully agree with you. So many Church are steeped in conservative traditionalism or social togetherness that loving God has become obeying the Dragon in a life of dos and musts. Yet loving our Heavenly Father and Brother now that is mint, no greater joy springs forth from our hearts than when we are allowed to feel love for God. He is better than life!

I'm with you all the way


That God's love may fill your heart to the very brim!

 

[spidergains]

I take 25-50mg of 5-HTP & 400mg of St. John's Wort to lift me out of depression first thing in the morning along with 1000mcg of B12. When the serotonin levels get too high & I start feeling loopy, I take phenylalanine (a can or 2 of diet soda will do in a pinch).

Everybody's brain chemistry is different--that being said, a naturopath is my preferred choice over a doctor. Meds made me feel like a zombie--I gave them a year to work and hated it

 

[Brinmar]

Neo - I've stuck it out, taking psych meds for 3 1/2 years. But, only because I don't sleep without meds and without sleep I get very ill. I figure that pretty soon the pdoc's will have run out of med's to experiment on me and I'll have "med intolerant" stamped on my file. In the meantime in addition to psych meds I'm taking Omega-3 fish oil and love that B12!

Jeshu - I'm really looking forward to beginning our new church. I held a meeting with all of our old members and everyone agreed to work to get this church started. We have a pastor coming from Kansas City in a couple weeks to talk to us and give us material on "how to start a church". And, we have several people who are interested in being our pastor - we just need to meet with them all and decide who will best suit our vision. We are a church that LOVES God and I want to teach people to move closer to Him, get to know Him better, and love Him more every day.

I've decided to call our new church "Faith Church" and as soon as we have a place to meet and hold services, I'm going to do a 5 or 10 minute message every Sunday to air on the radio with all the other church services that air on Sunday's.

Please keep us in your prayers!!!
Heidi

 

[Jeshu]

Everybody's brain chemistry is different--that being said, a naturopath is my preferred choice over a doctor. Meds made me feel like a zombie--I gave them a year to work and hated it

Neo - I've stuck it out, taking psych meds for 3 1/2 years. But, only because I don't sleep without meds and without sleep I get very ill. I figure that pretty soon the pdoc's will have run out of med's to experiment on me and I'll have "med intolerant" stamped on my file. In the meantime in addition to psych meds I'm taking Omega-3 fish oil and love that B12!

I tried for seven years and was in Hell 3 1/2 years in deepest Hell I've ever been.

The fire was so hot that only what loved the Lord inside me is left to tell you about it, all my crap died miserably, notably my doubt, hate, rebellion, unbelief, guilt, hopelessness, despair and misery. Jesus dumped all of that down the bottomless pit I was stuck in, and graciously pulled me out.

The Lord used E.C.T to get me out of my depression, as it knocked a large portion of my depression out of me and those voices screaming inside my head all the time.

After that I stopped all my medications but in The End out of dire need took a little of one anti-psychotic, which gives me heaps of trouble but keeps the worst of my psychosis away most of the time.

Let's say I use a little medication to be able to deal with myself responsibly and thank God this is working fine but I dumped the 4 other meds I had been on, the best thing I ever did. I also use a herb which is helping.

Yet truly it was Love, Faith and Hope that have been the forces behind all my successes. Jesus taught me how to take charge of myself in illness, just as I asked He would.

I wrote a poem about it once.

see what you think.


Forsaking The Pit.

As I climb over the rim, I clearly see,
Involuntary I shudder the sight in me,
down without a bottom the pit below,
yes this fiery hole within me on show!

Hear voices of darkness pressing hard on must.
Those 'speaking guilt, shame, unbelief, and distrust,
all together pushing, yes, pressing me deep,
resisting my climb to the top so steep.

See those guilty feelings still tug my feet,
I can feel flames searing, my toes they meet!
Electrifying my soul, no mercy on show,
why ever did I take this hell-hole in tow?

Above me the Light, Jesus, the Truth so high!
How long before I will meet up with Him in the sky?
He knows I will come after Him without a doubt,
as true nourishing goodness He is all about.

My bloodied fingers scraped by rock,
for how many years did they mock?
Those hard places within my very being,
those fiery stones of my own seeing!

I climbed after the Light right above me,
the only truth that truly leaves me be,
never will I stop seeking after The Light,
as Jesus Christ is my very soul's delight!

Soon the 'resting place' of my enemy,
bottomless pit shall forever be!
For the ones without Love or Grace,
those who with their lies made this place.

 

[Hopeful37]

Dear suffering child of God I would like to first of all say, I been where you must be now, also fighting demons, also loosing, suicidally depressed even.

Please be of good courage Jesus hasn't forsaken you.

Our Lord is emptying you out. You are heeding the thoughts and feelings which do not have their birth in the Holy Spirit but in sinful thinking and they need to be isolated so you can see for yourself that no good dwells in us when we heed such thoughts and feelings.

Where you are now I met up with;

Hate, despair, hopelessness, despair, doubt, guilt, fear, unbelief, bitterness, the mockers and the likes.

Jesus took all my inner good away and left me behind with the above, for 7 long years, all because I wouldn't forgive myself for being a sinner and for heeding the lies who told me God had given up on me, and not His truth that I was beloved.

In The End, Jesus came and threw all the demons and that in me which held onto that into the bottomless pit, Where I promptly cursed God and died to my miserable self in utter misery.

This happened about 31/2 years ago and I have steadily grown away from my depression though I'm still mentally ill, I'm doing heaps better and have renewed a loving relationship with Him. The good thing is I have no doubt, guilt, unbelief and hardly no fear left, Jesus wiped it completely out of me.

My advise is check if you have unforgiven sin in your life, sin where Christ hasn't liberated you yet, usually because we judge ourself and don't let Him into that part of our lives.

Be of very good courage, God disciplines those whom He loves, when I was in my misery I raised my voice up to Him, now I humble bow my head and thank Him from the bottom of my heart for setting me free.

Jeshu can u PM me? I can't send one unless someone send one to me.

 

[Kyle W]

Jeshu, I would like a PM as well. I feel like my depression and insomnia are two demons that I'm fighting right now.