The pergatory of my 2 marriages...where do I go from here?

[Mommacat]

My first marriage I was a teenager and met a guy who was in college...we had a baby out of wedlock and got married. I didn't know what I had gotten myself into at all. He was verbally abusive every day, porn addict, used pot and Adderall. He degraded me everyday as I played the stay at home mother of 4 role. I acted happy but died a little more everyday. I prayed God would do something. I got involved in ministry and that made me happier but felt empty inside because the marriage was dead. He finally came to me after 12 years in a fit of rage ripped my Bible in half as I was homeschooling my kids and stated he was cheating. He told me I had to leave my christian faith or he was divorcing. I called police for my safety the drugs had him unstable. Because it was so out of hand and I took children to my mom's and filed for divorce. To my horror the court appointed a GAL who was a homosexual who hated Baptists and I was a devout evangelistic one. She decided to award him my 4 children! It was so horrific. The oldest now an atheist won't speak to me and the younger 3 come back and forth. After that nightmare was over...

I remarried a pastor thinking life was on an upward turn. We had two more children...during this process there were warning signs I missed. I needed a knight in shining armor. He turned out to have serious drug addiction to cocaine, herion and pills has left ministry work. I'm in a worse scenario than I was to begin with. Violent and verbally abusive...have seperated before... I don't understand how I deserve this or what I should do to move forward. Feeling I may have to divorce again but life destroyed. Any thoughts? I have been hoping for going on five years he would get better and it hasn't happened. Devistated.

 

[SkyWriting]

My first marriage I was a teenager and met a guy who was in college...we had a baby out of wedlock and got married. I didn't know what I had gotten myself into at all. He was verbally abusive every day, porn addict, used pot and Adderall. He degraded me everyday as I played the stay at home mother of 4 role. I acted happy but died a little more everyday. I prayed God would do something. I got involved in ministry and that made me happier but felt empty inside because the marriage was dead. He finally came to me after 12 years in a fit of rage ripped my Bible in half as I was homeschooling my kids and stated he was cheating. He told me I had to leave my christian faith or he was divorcing. I called police for my safety the drugs had him unstable. Because it was so out of hand and I took children to my mom's and filed for divorce. To my horror the court appointed a GAL who was a homosexual who hated Baptists and I was a devout evangelistic one. She decided to award him my 4 children! It was so horrific. The oldest now an atheist won't speak to me and the younger 3 come back and forth. After that nightmare was over...

I remarried a pastor thinking life was on an upward turn. We had two more children...during this process there were warning signs I missed. I needed a knight in shining armor. He turned out to have serious drug addiction to cocaine, heroin and pills has left ministry work. I'm in a worse scenario than I was to begin with. Violent and verbally abusive...have separated before... I don't understand how I deserve this or what I should do to move forward. Feeling I may have to divorce again but life destroyed. Any thoughts? I have been hoping for going on five years he would get better and it hasn't happened. Devastated.

You certainly didn't "deserve" to have these problems, but if we fast forward 10 years we'd likely see your next partner also a drug user. As your social counselor 10 years from now, I ask if either or both of your parents were drug users or addicts of some type? Then I'd ask you if you saw any connection between your upbringing and the string of addicts in your life? Hopefully you'd agree the connection is suspicious.

So then we'd talk about your emotions regarding your parents and how you'd wish things were better for you as a child. Then you might see how your love for your parents, even though they were not ideal, is something you'd want to work to improve.

Then you might see how addicts would hold some hidden appeal for you. Facing those hidden emotions is the key, and this takes time and training for a counselor.

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[Richard T]

I am sorry that you have had to suffer so much through your marriages. I pray you will be able to work through all these challenges and receive healing for all the hurt you have suffered. I pray the Lord is truly your refuge, that you can find the comfort and peace in Him.
Proverbs 18:10 (KJV)
10 The name of the LORD is a strong tower: the righteous runneth into it, and is safe.

 

[Broken Fence]

Greetings mommacat,
I would to salute you for your faithfulness to The Lord. Your faith has been tested and I can tell you have steadfastness in The Lord.
We do not always get to choose our path, I am firm believer in nothing happens by coincidence. God has you right where He wants you.
Now I am not saying you should allow yourself to be abused the opposite in fact. My prayers are with you and I hope God will do a mighty shaking in those people around you. Be encouraged, be strengthened, for The Lord whom you serve will have His way in the whirlwind.