I need peoples advice...please....

[AnnaS]

So I've been with my boyfriend for four months. And man, do I love him. I really do. He's the ONLY guy I've ever said "I love you" to. And I've been with other guys, for relationships a full YEAR longer than this. Anyways, last night he calls me. He says he needs to tell me something. He tells me "I think the reason I'm a Christian is because of you". Which at first, I thought was awesome. But that's not the way he meant it. He said he doesn't believe in a lot of the stuff in the bible. And he doesn't believe Jesus was any closer to God than we are, and that he was just a man.

Now I don't know what to do. I'm angry that he lied about something this huge. But I love him, I do. He said he was just planning on hiding it from me forever, and eventually try to believe enough to just become a Christian.

I can really see a future with this guy. And he can reaaalllly see a future with me. But is it ok that he's not a Christian? I've spent my whole life only dating Christian guys, and telling my sister to do the same. Advice?

 

[Aino]

I think your relationship is not going to last long if he's not christian. A relationship or marriage is not the stage where you can disagree on believing, I'm afraid. How'd you raise your kids? Would you go to church? Would you pray or read the Bible togeter? None of those things will work out unless you somewhat agree. One of you had to make many compromises, which would at some point lead to trouble, try to understand that. And besides, he was ready to lie to you about all this. Doesn't the fact hurt you and make you suspect if he's been honest about everything else? Just pointing out. If I were you I'd really consider breaking up with him.

 

[Wedjat]

Why does your partners faith matter!?! You love him, you said that yourself, don't let something this trivial get between you.
Aino, I'm just addressing your points because I feel they sow doubt and I want to resolve them, to convince her that faith isn't as big a barrier as it looks.

How would you raise your kids

Both parents can tell the kids what they believe and let the kids decide. Or, since it looks like his faith isn't that strong, but he's still willing to put on the church face for you, raise the kids christian, he's obviously going to go along with it

Would you go to church?

Why not? Church is a great community, I go to church, nothing wrong with that.

Would you pray or read the Bible together?

I'd be willing to bet this falls under the same category as raising the kids, as in, he'll probably go along with it.

One of you had to make many compromises, which would at some point lead to trouble, try to understand that.

He's already proven that he's willing to bear much of the burden for that. He may not be that strong in his faith, but it will only ever be an issue if you start trying to shove it down his throat. So long as you keep moderate about religion, there will be no issue.

And besides, he was ready to lie to you about all this.

He was ready to try to adopt your lifestyle to make you more comfortable. He told you (you didn't find out his dirty little secret, he came out and told you, even if previously he had been planning on hiding it) that he didn't feel he had strong faith. He's trying for you, but you can't just believe something like that, it takes time. Would you rather he didn't believe at all, or that he at least tried in the meantime.

Doesn't the fact hurt you and make you suspect if he's been honest about everything else?

Wow, now that's jumping to conclusions. I am reminded of the Shakespeare play Othello
Barbantio: Look to her, Moor, if thou hast eyes to see:
She has deceived her father and may thee.
(which if you haven't read the play, plants the seed of doubt in Othello's mind that later causes him to murder his (innocent) wife for perceived infidelity)

Cryptic messages and all behind, that's a completely unfounded accusation.

Just pointing out. If I were you I'd really consider breaking up with him.

And I would not even consider breaking up with him. You love him. I would absolutely hate to see you throw that away for something so... petty

 

[Martin Raccon]

People come, people go, tha same way, relationships come, relationships go, you never know who is for you and who isn't, so you suhold just forget it, stop thinking bout the past and always look str8. Who knows what may happen in future, maybe something more kewl

 

[Aino]

Why does your partners faith matter!?! You love him, you said that yourself, don't let something this trivial get between you.

Do you actually think that someones view of life and religion is trivial? Would you be able to live with the thought that your partner - that you're most likely very emotionally attached to - were on her way to hell?

Aino, I'm just addressing your points because I feel they sow doubt and I want to resolve them, to convince her that faith isn't as big a barrier as it looks.

I try hard not to sow doubt, but show her a reasonable christian point of view in the matter. I'm sorry if I don't sound like it.

Both parents can tell the kids what they believe and let the kids decide. Or, since it looks like his faith isn't that strong, but he's still willing to put on the church face for you, raise the kids christian, he's obviously going to go along with it.

He's already proven that he's willing to bear much of the burden for that. He may not be that strong in his faith, but it will only ever be an issue if you start trying to shove it down his throat. So long as you keep moderate about religion, there will be no issue.

I doubt that anyone will be able to hold a church face on for very long or any other type of face for the matter. No reasonable person want to love anyone who's putting a face on to make a loved one love them more. No one will want to listen to their spouse telling their kids something that they self consider lies either - I at least would hate it... Plus, the kids will have to live with the fact that they have to choose which parent is lying for them - not really a healthy way to grow up, is it? And like I already pointed out, it's really hard not to care what your spouse believes, especially if it's about going to heaven or hell. You as an atheist might not understand it, but it's really an issue that we christians have.

He was ready to try to adopt your lifestyle to make you more comfortable. He told you (you didn't find out his dirty little secret, he came out and told you, even if previously he had been planning on hiding it) that he didn't feel he had strong faith. He's trying for you, but you can't just believe something like that, it takes time. Would you rather he didn't believe at all, or that he at least tried in the meantime.

I think I already addressed most of this section in the previous part I wrote, but I'd like to point out that belief and being a christian is basically considered to be something that either applies to a person or it doesn't. There is no grey area between not believing and believing.

Wow, now that's jumping to conclusions. I am reminded of the Shakespeare play Othello
Barbantio: Look to her, Moor, if thou hast eyes to see:
She has deceived her father and may thee.
(which if you haven't read the play, plants the seed of doubt in Othello's mind that later causes him to murder his (innocent) wife for perceived infidelity)

I've seen it on stage, so I know the context. Thanks for the clarification, though. I must admit, that could have been a little far fetched, and I guess I just didn't think about pretty much anything while writing it... I guess I just wnated to make the comment sharper or something.

And I would not even consider breaking up with him. You love him. I would absolutely hate to see you throw that away for something so... petty

I don't think I need to clarify my own position to this point any further, but I'd like to point out, that the starter of the thread doesn't seem to think it's petty.

I'm sorry, AnnaS. I don't want to make this a debate, I just wanted to clarify my position to it and correct some misunderstandings. Perhaps you can look at both posts as advice..? Wedjat - if you still have something to say about my opinion, please send it to me as a PM.

 

[Wedjat]

I'm sorry if it's just alarming to me when people won't look past someones faith to see the person behind it, especially when it's in the context of a serious relationship like this. It pains me to think that love dies just because people can't bring themselves to accept that their partner has different beliefs. That they can't somehow think of a way to reconcile one aspect of themselves, in an otherwise compatible relationship.
I'll be responding to Aino via pm, as I also don't want to turn this into a debate, but I just wanted to leave you with that message.

I've only been on these forums a little more than a month, and I've already seen a few posts like this. Every time I see them the same verses come into my head from Emergency by Paramore

Cause I've seen love die
Way too many times
When it deserved to be alive

 

[Wedjat]

My mom's catholic, my dad's agnostic, I suppose they should get a divorce then.

 

[Martin Raccon]

My mom's catholic, my dad's agnostic, I suppose they should get a divorce then.

every man is diffrent, each lives with his own superstitions, so I don't think wut happenz in 1 should happen evarywhere >_>

I like short thingz:
"If u like, get married, and u can divorce, if u dun like, fins sum1 else" (the answer to da topic)

 

[Gale]

If this is someone you plan to have a future with, then you will need to be prepared to love him no matter what, and help him through difficulty - and that includes spiritual difficulty. Keep sharing your faith with him and don't abandon him just because he has not had the fortune of knowing God yet. Hopefully, with time and understanding, he'll become a christian.

He doesn't seem like someone you will need to compromise your faith to be with, since he seems to be willing to change, so there's no gain to breaking up with him. He also must be extremely loyal to be willing to share your faith just to please you - you sound like a lucky girl, so hold onto him.

 

[abbiestract]

the bible says dont get yoked with a non jesus beliver guy(something like that)

 

[PhilosophicalBluster]

Do you actually think that someones view of life and religion is trivial? Would you be able to live with the thought that your partner - that you're most likely very emotionally attached to - were on her way to hell?

Religion itself is not trivial. That said, differing religions should not get in the way of love (if that is indeed what this relationship is. It may or may not be.)

I try hard not to sow doubt, but show her a reasonable christian point of view in the matter. I'm sorry if I don't sound like it.

Well I presume neither of us are married, so doesn't that mean that neither of us would know what a reasonable expectation would be from any point of view?

I doubt that anyone will be able to hold a church face on for very long or any other type of face for the matter. No reasonable person want to love anyone who's putting a face on to make a loved one love them more.

The whole point is that they shouldn't have to hold a face. If you really love a person you should be able to accept his or her differences and get over them.

No one will want to listen to their spouse telling their kids something that they self consider lies either - I at least would hate it... Plus, the kids will have to live with the fact that they have to choose which parent is lying for them - not really a healthy way to grow up, is it?

My dad is Catholic, my mom is Protestant. I think I've grown up fine. And before you go off with the 'Look how you turned out, you lost your faith etc.,' my brother is Christian. My Deism is an anomaly to my family, fueled by my analytical brain.

And like I already pointed out, it's really hard not to care what your spouse believes, especially if it's about going to heaven or hell. You as an atheist might not understand it, but it's really an issue that we christians have.

Pray for them, enjoy their company while it lasts.

I think I already addressed most of this section in the previous part I wrote, but I'd like to point out that belief and being a christian is basically considered to be something that either applies to a person or it doesn't. There is no grey area between not believing and believing.

Yeh there is. It's called agnosticism.

 

[abbiestract]

just think...if you die, then this guy wont be with you in eternity...doesent this soud sad?

 

[PhilosophicalBluster]

just think...if you die, then this guy wont be with you in eternity...doesent this soud sad?

Well yeah. That's why I said this:

Pray for them, enjoy their company while it lasts.

 

[Wedjat]

It seems odd that heaven is such a wonderful place and would have everything you've ever wanted, except for the love of your life.
Doesn't seem like much of a heaven to me.
Maybe he rides up to heaven on your coattails, because without him, it wouldn't be heaven.
Maybe by dating him, you're saving a soul.

 

[catzrfluffy]

I think there is a bit in the bible about an unbelieving spouse being saved because their partner is saved. It's in 1 Cor.7:

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who
is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to
live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has
been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been
sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be
unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is
not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How
do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you
know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

So one won't be alone in heaven, if you're still married till one/both of you dies.

 

[Wedjat]

I think there is a bit in the bible about an unbelieving spouse being saved because their partner is saved. It's in 1 Cor.7:

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who
is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to
live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has
been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been
sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be
unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is
not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How
do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you
know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

So one won't be alone in heaven, if you're still married till one/both of you dies.

Never in my life have I been so glad to see someone quoting scripture.

 

[catzrfluffy]

you know this might mean even Darwin's in heaven, because his wife was a very strong believer, check it out in some biography somewhere.
ah? see...You never know?

 

[Paulie079]

That verse quoted above isn't saying that it's simply okay to marry someone that isn't a believer.

I know this doesn't make sense to anyone who isn't a Christian but a relationship with Christ is sooo crucial to a relationship. Your relationship with your boyfriend should be encouraging your relationship with Christ. You should find it easier and have even a greater desire to pursue Christ because of your relationship with your boyfriend. If he isn't a believer, he's not even living for the same things you are and he can't challenge you in your faith or lead you in a Godly way in a relationship.

Now to be completely honest, I would say that you should end the relationship but that's me. What I would really suggest is taking some serious time aside to pray about it and then do what you're feeling led to do...in the end I'm thinking that ending the relationship is most likely the best way to go, though.

 

[Kathy-Mcf]

I think there is a bit in the bible about an unbelieving spouse being saved because their partner is saved. It's in 1 Cor.7:

12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who
is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to
live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has
been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been
sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be
unclean, but as it is, they are holy.
15But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is
not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16How
do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you
know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

So one won't be alone in heaven, if you're still married till one/both of you dies.

Alright, but the bible also says not to unequally yoke your self to an unbeleiver. So if you unknowingly married an unbeleiver the above counts for you but if you know before you marry that your furture spouse that he/she is an unbeleiver it says not to do it!

 

[Gale]

A few scriptures I'd like to bring into the discussion:

Ephesians 5:25-26

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the chruch and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails...

I hope I'm not taking these horribly out of context, but they seem to agree with the idea of constantly sharing your faith with your partner and not giving up on him or her.


With regards to marriage at the resurrection:

Matthew 22:23-30

That same day the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to him with a question.
"Teacher," they said, "Moses told us that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow and have children for him. Now there were seven brothers among us. The first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his brother. The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right on down to the seventh. Finally, the woman died. Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?"
Jesus replied , "You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven."

So there is no need to worry about the presence of loved ones in heaven.

Yeh there is. It's called agnosticism.

Agnosticism is still not a grey area between Christianity and non-Christianity. Becoming a Christian is described as being "born again" - you cannot be only half "born again", only those who are fully "born again" are considered Christians.

Of course, you are not necessarily saying Christianity is wrong as an agnostic, but I wouldn't say it's a "grey area" between being a Christian and being a non-Christian.