Advice needed

[savinghopexx]

I posted this in another thread but I am currently single and I have a guy friend that I have been talking to for awhile and he is a great christian man and we both like each other. We seem to be equally yolked and both have a strong faith for Jesus. The only issue is that he has kids from a previous relationship and I do not want any kids. This situation is hard because he is a great christian guy and would be someone I am def interested in dating but I do not want any children, at least not right now. Maybe 1 in the future but not 100% sure. We talked about this before and decided to just remain friends but I feel as though this keeps popping up in my head and sometimes we do a flirt a little still. My question is should we just strictly remain friends and set up more boundaries? I just do not want this to feel like a friend's with benefit type thing since we are not dating and dont plan on it soon. Should I not let the idea of not wanting kids get in the way of a potential relationship? I just need some Godly advice if anyone can help. Thanks

 

[timewerx]

You need to love having kids 120% if you want to marry someone with kids. Else, you may run into problems later on. And I mean real love, not forcing yourself to love kids. There's a huge difference. Because if you're just forcing yourself to love children, you're going to be stressed out and if you're stressed out, you can make mistakes, including huge ones. So unless you truly love children 120% you may have to think twice about marrying someone with kids.

Kid welfare > romance

Anyway, I'm not asking you to give up just yet.

Have you spent time with his kids yet? Baby sitted them? Do you truly love his kids 120%? Does it break your heart spending a day without his kids? Questions you need to ask yourself. You need to truly love what you're doing in order to have a happy family. NOT forcing yourself to love something you don't love. NOT same results.

 

[bèlla]

I never dated men with children but I befriended a couple. They had shared or full custody and I advised them on occasion. My daughter was a teenager and they found me appealing. That's how we met. But being a second mom wasn't an option.

Most men assume women adore children. It's an eye opening revelation when they realize the nuances of that belief. Women delight in their seed but don't immediately feel the same for another's. Helping them grasp that was challenging.

Men with children are looking for mothers or surrogates. To think otherwise is naive. It's imperative to know their relationship with the mother to the best of your ability. You may find yourself filling those shoes and if that's disconcerting leave him alone.

Don't assume things will remain as-is. It rarely does and they're unlikely to admit the gritty stuff upfront. You get that when you've been around awhile and have their ear. If a blended family isn't your ideal it's best to find someone without children.

Unlike some, I won't tell you to give it a chance, be loving or the usual spiel. It's a huge responsibility and not one most are prepared to take on. If you're in that camp you needn't feel bad. Some things are beyond us.

There are wonderful men who love the Lord with less encumbrances. I met one and I'm not alone in that. Good luck and I pray the Lord gives you peace.

~bella

 

[timewerx]

Most men assume women adore children. It's an eye opening revelation when they realize the nuances of that belief. Women delight in their seed but don't immediately feel the same for another's. Helping them grasp that was challenging.

In my experience, as long as you don't have your own kid yet, it's not that hard to love the kids of other people if that is your nature.

But once you have your own kid, it's like having a switch flipped. All of a sudden, you don't feel the same for other kids anymore but can only focus your attention and care on your own kid. Worst case, you lose any affection for other kids but your own.

 

[peaceful-forest]

Have you spent any time with him and his kids at the same time?

 

[savinghopexx]

Have you spent any time with him and his kids at the same time?

No I haven’t. That’s why I’m thinking we should just set up appropriate boundaries and remain friends. I don’t have a love for kids and I have never met his kids.

 

[savinghopexx]

You need to love having kids 120% if you want to marry someone with kids. Else, you may run into problems later on. And I mean real love, not forcing yourself to love kids. There's a huge difference. Because if you're just forcing yourself to love children, you're going to be stressed out and if you're stressed out, you can make mistakes, including huge ones. So unless you truly love children 120% you may have to think twice about marrying someone with kids.

Kid welfare > romance

Anyway, I'm not asking you to give up just yet.

Have you spent time with his kids yet? Baby sitted them? Do you truly love his kids 120%? Does it break your heart spending a day without his kids? Questions you need to ask yourself. You need to truly love what you're doing in order to have a happy family. NOT forcing yourself to love something you don't love. NOT same results.

Yes you are right. I guess I was just hanging on to false hope because we connected so well and not being honest with myself. I think we will just have to be friends and see if it’s in Gods will for us to continue the friendship. Because he is a great friend that I do not want to loose.

 

[savinghopexx]

I never dated men with children but I befriended a couple. They had shared or full custody and I advised them on occasion. My daughter was a teenager and they found me appealing. That's how we met. But being a second mom wasn't an option.

Most men assume women adore children. It's an eye opening revelation when they realize the nuances of that belief. Women delight in their seed but don't immediately feel the same for another's. Helping them grasp that was challenging.

Men with children are looking for mothers or surrogates. To think otherwise is naive. It's imperative to know their relationship with the mother to the best of your ability. You may find yourself filling those shoes and if that's disconcerting leave him alone.

Don't assume things will remain as-is. It rarely does and they're unlikely to admit the gritty stuff upfront. You get that when you've been around awhile and have their ear. If a blended family isn't your ideal it's best to find someone without children.

Unlike some, I won't tell you to give it a chance, be loving or the usual spiel. It's a huge responsibility and not one most are prepared to take on. If you're in that camp you needn't feel bad. Some things are beyond us.

There are wonderful men who love the Lord with less encumbrances. I met one and I'm not alone in that. Good luck and I pray the Lord gives you peace.

~bella

Thank you.

 

[bèlla]

In my experience, as long as you don't have your own kid yet, it's not that hard to love the kids of other people if that is your nature.

But once you have your own kid, it's like having a switch flipped. All of a sudden, you don't feel the same for other kids anymore but can only focus your attention and care on your own kid. Worst case, you lose any affection for other kids but your own.

I made no distinction between the states in my response. Becoming a parent doesn't minimize your ability to care for other children. Where did you get that?

It's possible to be attracted to someone and enjoy their company but have qualms about their circumstances. It happens all the time. But in respect to children, it's easier for a man to acknowledge his disinterest more than a woman. There can be an unwritten belief that she should be welcoming when the identical scenario wouldn't warrant similar expectations.

An inability to love isn't the reason people forgo these connections. It's the other stuff that's troubling. The ex, child rearing, discipline challenges, financial encumbrances (legal) etc. in addition to your relational issues. There's a lot of unknowns and you're on the hook until 24 if they go to college. You have to be certain you're in it for the long haul.

Vision proceeds companionship. Write the vision then find the person best suited for the journey. Start with the end in mind. That's how you attract and scrutinize your suitors. But when vision is lacking you're forced to rely on emotions, hunches, and external input. There's no process for assessment and you're winging it.

But when you have a vision it becomes your blueprint and transforms your relationships. They aren't formed willy nilly and they're purposeful. You take your vision and compare it with the other's and look for common bonds. What are you working towards? How can you help them accomplish their dreams and be a blessing? Do you have a shared passion or mission? And so on.

Christians don't mate for legacy. They're more concerned about their feelings and ticking the loneliness box. They don't look beyond themselves and use it as a barometer in their connections. But that's an integral of wealthy pairings (non celebrities). They're working from a 100 year plan and every generation does their part and expands the vision. Because life is more than you and I.

~bella

 

[timewerx]

An inability to love isn't the reason people forgo these connections.

Yet, it can have a huge impact on the quality of care you render.

Even if you are perfectly honest and responsible person even in the worst circumstances, stress will affect the quality of your work. Sure, you cannot completely eliminate stress even in a dream job that you love to do. But compared to a job you hate to do, the stress level will be much higher. With higher levels of stress, you'll be less efficient, you'll tire sooner and spend more time exhausted from work. If you feel tired more often, you'll be prone to make mistakes and have poor efficiency. These piling of mistakes will slowly eat into a relationship.

If you don't love a job that involves life and death situations, I'd advice NOT to do it UNLESS, you have no other choice but to do that job (forced by circumstances).

I'd say to be a parent of children qualifies as life and death job. A mistake or bad upbringing can damage a person for life especially if it happens during childhood. Not something to be taken up as a challenge like any challenges we may face in our careers. It's not the same. Failures may cost a life.

 

[bèlla]

I'd say to be a parent of children qualifies as life and death job. A mistake or bad upbringing can damage a person for life especially if it happens during childhood. Not something to be taken up as a challenge like any challenges we may face in our careers. It's not the same. Failures may cost a life.

Most people enter these situations with good intentions. But they don't realize the difficulties of jurisdiction and limitations imposed by others. There will be things you can't do or say and discussions required on discipline. If they reside with the other parent it's a three strand chord and hopefully they're cooperative.

In a perfect world everyone gets along. But oftentimes that isn't the case. If the parent is absent that's another issue. And you have to scrutinize their upbringing. Are the parents permissive or orderly? You won't be able to change things without a struggle.

Financial considerations can't be ignored. If the marriage goes forward you're legally obligated to support them if they're minors. The ex is legally entitled to seek or amend a judgment for support in light of the union with periodic increases. If the parent loses a job the judgment remains. It may be adjusted due to reductions in income but they won't throw it out.

The ex can make your life miserable and poison the child against the new person and the parent. In most instances the new person bears the brunt of it. They become the scapegoat. If it's a widow that's a different story. There's usually less drama.

In some respects I feel it's a calling of sorts and you need to be in prayer throughout. A few of my associates adopted children. They had several of their own and the Lord led them to do so. I think that's equally so in these situations. It's not enough to like someone there's innocents involved and their needs can't be ignored.

My best friend in high school went through this. Her mother married a man with three young children and the ex was a nightmare. She sat us down and had candid discussions and showed us the paperwork from court. She warned us about the realities of those connections and unforeseen events. We were young women (16) and nearing the point of adulthood.

I've had similar conversations over the years. Sometimes they listen sometimes they don't. And maturity doesn't make everything kosher. Adult children can be something else. Pushback on later marriages isn't uncommon. They're trying to protect their investment. It sounds crass but oftentimes they're afraid she'll get everything. Because men have done that and the children take her to court.

That's the reality of our culture. It may differ elsewhere. The courts usually side with the woman. When you hear men complain about financial injustices and supporting her lifestyle they're telling the truth. Judgments can be garnished.

~bella