- Jul 3, 2022
- 70
- 34
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
I cannot believe I'm here writing this, because I am appalled at myself. But I'm spiraling, so here we go.
Almost a year ago, in November, I moved in to a friend's house (in their basement). My room was down there with the 6 month old baby's room, we shared a wall but to get to the baby's room I would have to walk around in a U shaped path. This is important because, when I was down there unpacking my stuff, I had my window open for some air (and it was below freezing that night). I was in and out of my room and the main basement area. Baby had gone to sleep in the room next to mine.
I remember having a horrible thought while I had the window open, that "the cold air will make the baby freeze or something, but I don't care." So first of all, WHAT a horrible thought. It's been almost 10 months so I don't know what all I was thinking, if I truly thought it was going to be a problem or if in the back of my head I didn't think it was truly THAT cold, even though I had the evil thought.
Second of all, I didn't DO anything about the window until a little while later. I had a moment of "no, this is BAD. The baby is going to get too cold!" I closed the window until it was a tiny crack (it wasn't open all the way to begin with) and I remember I went out to check how cold the floor was in the main area (because the floor in my room got cold). There was a heating vent in the bathroom ceiling right outside my door, and the laminate floor didn't feel cold (but maybe it never would, based on the floor material). And I'm assuming there was a heating vent in the baby's room also. Like I said, the air would have had to go through a U pattern to get to the baby, unless it went through the solid wall. BUT I SHOULD HAVE CLOSED THE WINDOW WHEN I FIRST REALIZED, AND I DIDN'T.
The next day, we were talking about how cold the basement gets. And my friend said the baby monitor registered at 62 (if I remember right) but that the baby monitor is always off. And the baby was fine the next morning. She wasnt super concerned. I did tell her that I had the window open for a little while downstairs, but I obviously didn't tell her about the horrible thought I'd had. My boyfriend was with me when we were talking about the cold, and maybe he could see how awful I felt because he commented "maybe it was just because the basement tends to get cold (as to why it got down to 62 degrees)." But I felt AWFUL. And it plagued me off and on for months; we're almost a year out and I still feel horrible.
Again, though, nothing bad happened except maybe the baby got a little cold for a bit. I read somewhere that it's better for babies to sleep in colder rooms so they don't get SIDS. And one person online said that her pediatrician said it's ok if the baby's extremities get a bit blue (??).
Regardless, though, I feel horrible about that had thought/action (I should have closed the window to a tiny crack a lot sooner than I did, and kept my door closed between trips out to the main living area).
**Let me be clear, I LOVE that baby. He is like my nephew. I would let myself get hit by a car to save him if it ever came down to it.**
I'm so ashamed. I feel like I need to confess that horrible thought/intention to my friend. She's been so nice and kind to me and I don't feel like I deserve it. I don't know if anything truly bad happened because of my actions, but by leaving out my badness, I feel as though I've lied to her by omitting the truth. I love her baby! I can't believe i did what i did! I try to be so careful when I hold him, and when I watched him alone (for a few minutes after dinner) I was very careful about what snacks I gave him to munch on. I worry about his little arms and whether or not I hold him right, etc, etc. I can't emphasize enough how truly terrible I feel about that incident with the window, or how much I truly love that baby like he was my own.
Almost a year ago, in November, I moved in to a friend's house (in their basement). My room was down there with the 6 month old baby's room, we shared a wall but to get to the baby's room I would have to walk around in a U shaped path. This is important because, when I was down there unpacking my stuff, I had my window open for some air (and it was below freezing that night). I was in and out of my room and the main basement area. Baby had gone to sleep in the room next to mine.
I remember having a horrible thought while I had the window open, that "the cold air will make the baby freeze or something, but I don't care." So first of all, WHAT a horrible thought. It's been almost 10 months so I don't know what all I was thinking, if I truly thought it was going to be a problem or if in the back of my head I didn't think it was truly THAT cold, even though I had the evil thought.
Second of all, I didn't DO anything about the window until a little while later. I had a moment of "no, this is BAD. The baby is going to get too cold!" I closed the window until it was a tiny crack (it wasn't open all the way to begin with) and I remember I went out to check how cold the floor was in the main area (because the floor in my room got cold). There was a heating vent in the bathroom ceiling right outside my door, and the laminate floor didn't feel cold (but maybe it never would, based on the floor material). And I'm assuming there was a heating vent in the baby's room also. Like I said, the air would have had to go through a U pattern to get to the baby, unless it went through the solid wall. BUT I SHOULD HAVE CLOSED THE WINDOW WHEN I FIRST REALIZED, AND I DIDN'T.
The next day, we were talking about how cold the basement gets. And my friend said the baby monitor registered at 62 (if I remember right) but that the baby monitor is always off. And the baby was fine the next morning. She wasnt super concerned. I did tell her that I had the window open for a little while downstairs, but I obviously didn't tell her about the horrible thought I'd had. My boyfriend was with me when we were talking about the cold, and maybe he could see how awful I felt because he commented "maybe it was just because the basement tends to get cold (as to why it got down to 62 degrees)." But I felt AWFUL. And it plagued me off and on for months; we're almost a year out and I still feel horrible.
Again, though, nothing bad happened except maybe the baby got a little cold for a bit. I read somewhere that it's better for babies to sleep in colder rooms so they don't get SIDS. And one person online said that her pediatrician said it's ok if the baby's extremities get a bit blue (??).
Regardless, though, I feel horrible about that had thought/action (I should have closed the window to a tiny crack a lot sooner than I did, and kept my door closed between trips out to the main living area).
**Let me be clear, I LOVE that baby. He is like my nephew. I would let myself get hit by a car to save him if it ever came down to it.**
I'm so ashamed. I feel like I need to confess that horrible thought/intention to my friend. She's been so nice and kind to me and I don't feel like I deserve it. I don't know if anything truly bad happened because of my actions, but by leaving out my badness, I feel as though I've lied to her by omitting the truth. I love her baby! I can't believe i did what i did! I try to be so careful when I hold him, and when I watched him alone (for a few minutes after dinner) I was very careful about what snacks I gave him to munch on. I worry about his little arms and whether or not I hold him right, etc, etc. I can't emphasize enough how truly terrible I feel about that incident with the window, or how much I truly love that baby like he was my own.
