What is "tough love" and are you a fan of it?

[Godlovesmetwo]

It depends what you mean by tough love. Some will say "tough love" requires hitting a child when they are naughty for instance. Others will mean, just having strict boundaries and rarely being flexible about moving those boundaries.
Tough love doesn't just apply to parenthood. It can apply to partners in relationships. Friends. Siblings. Colleagues at work. Being a boss at work. Being a pastor, priest even.
"Kindness" can be such a vague word. Am I really being kind to a friend I don't want to see anymore , by simply ignoring them? They'll get the message that I don't like their company without me saying anything?
You gotta be cruel to be kind? Is that right?
I think directness is good though sometimes. Better to know someone's boundaries clearly, even they might come across as borderline rude.
I'll think of more examples later.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Notice the bias in the op. Seen in the use of the word "hitting".....

When a child is disciplined correctly, even the most severe spanking is less damaging than a football tackle can be. Nothing is broken , no love is lacking,
and the life of the child is spared from being unloved, and from the foolishness in a child growing up into an almost impossible to help foolish adult.

 

[Galatea]

I think totally ignoring a person is a horrible thing to do. Telling a person "get lost, pal" is better than saying nothing at all. That is not kind.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Notice the bias in the op. Seen in the use of the word "hitting".....

When a child is disciplined correctly, even the most severe spanking is less damaging than a football tackle can be. Nothing is broken , no love is lacking,
and the life of the child is spared from being unloved, and from the foolishness in a child growing up into an almost impossible to help foolish adult.

There is bias I admit . Even though the word "hitting" is pretty neutral. I'm not a fan of corporal punishment. Having said that, the odd smack on the bottom of a two year old having a tantrum, is understandable. But lets not turn this thread into pros and cons of smacking children. I'm more interested in how we use "tough love" with each other as adults.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

I think totally ignoring a person is a horrible thing to do. Telling a person "get lost, pal" is better than saying nothing at all. That is not kind.

I can see where you're coming from, but I'm just thinking of scenarios where "get lost pal" would sound rather short, abrupt and causing offence. If a friend didn't want to see me anymore, I would be in shock if he said that to me. Maybe I'd prefer him to just ignore me. But that's just me I guess.

 

[ImAllLikeOkWaitWat]

I think tough love is fine as long as you don't get arrested for it. Like Adrian Peterson.

 

[ValleyGal]

Spanking is not "tough love." It is typically the result of a frustrated or angry parent, or one who has an authoritarian parenting style. Spanking has been shown over and over that it is not an effective way to instill self-discipline in your children, and punishment is never a good way to teach your children not to misbehave. There is always an underlying reason children "misbehave" and it is up to the caregivers to learn what that message is they are trying to convey. Discipline is about discipling (teaching) your children - even teaching self-discipline, which can't be achieved through spanking.

Tough love may be needed to assert boundaries that have not been respected. By tough love, I mean the necessity of being tough enough to do what is in the other person's best interest, even though it hurts you to do so. I believe this should be a last resort because it may have negative impact on the relationship. All measures should be used first to preserve the relationship, and when all else fails, tough love may be necessary.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Good communicators know how to use tough love when needed. My current line manager is a good example. Sensitive but direct when the need is there.

 

[Galatea]

I can see where you're coming from, but I'm just thinking of scenarios where "get lost pal" would sound rather short, abrupt and causing offence. If a friend didn't want to see me anymore, I would be in shock if he said that to me. Maybe I'd prefer him to just ignore me. But that's just me I guess.

Well, I'm kind of clueless. Ignoring me would be far more painful to me and leave me confused. I'd rather some one come out and lay their cards on the table than to ghost me, for sure. I guess I'd rather have a farewell conversation. I'd want to talk about it. I'd like to know what I did to hurt my friend, how I violated his boundaries. I don't think people get closure if it is not talked out.

It probably would be painful to hear, but less painful for him to text me and say "Our time as friends is over, thanks for the conversation."

I guess I'd like a conversation.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

By tough love, I mean the necessity of being tough enough to do what is in the other person's best interest, even though it hurts you to do so. I believe this should be a last resort because it may have negative impact on the relationship. All measures should be used first to preserve the relationship, and when all else fails, tough love may be necessary.

I really respect people who aren't afraid of the "difficult conversations."

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Remember the good 'ol days ways, especially like in the navy - have a quarrel, duke it out, over in 5 minutes or 30 minutes tops, then go to chow together !

Then, the bad creepy insidious cancer of society creeped in, gradually at first, then more and more,
until even a bad word , or a sun burn, or a shove, or a punch, no matter how innocuous (harmless), could (often) result in paperwork monster trail that never disappears, or rarely - that sticks with the service member longer than prostate cancer ! .... hanging over their head throughout active service and sometimes all their lives .... i.e. NOT a good way to work things out - better to let
everything be as it was (not as if it ever will be again), done and over in 30 minutes and forgotten in an hour....

Just one for example....

Another one - open rebuke is better than hidden love ... not trying to play nicey nice, tip toe through a myriad of feelings/ being more deceptive perhaps than real, all because of social (ungodly, unscriptural) customs local or more wide spread ... "don't offend" "don't make waves" - let much worse things happen instead of make waves ! .... and so on.... ie.TRUTH, preferably gently and kind with kindness and with motive of healing, is best.... but if as needed "open rebuke", (as seen in OLD and NEW TESTAMENTS frequently),
is
definitely better than hidden (timid?) un-correcting love.

 

[Humble me Lord]

Tough love should not be used as a go to first action.Tough love is what you resort to when other means have failed. When it is needed it should be used.
My wife has a friend who has a son in prison.She feels so sorry for him She has coddled him and his brother their whole lives, because she did't want to discipline them out of fear that they would stop loving her. The result of this is that they don't respect her, they know how to get anything they want from her, and neither one stand on their own two feet. Still doing a 35 year old married mans checkbook? WOW !

 

[Take Heart]

Hm.. I wouldn't say that I grew up in a tough-love environment (day-to-day type of thing), but more like..I was shown tough-love in certain types of situations. For example, when my parents don't give in to my whining (when I was much younger) and would simply 'put their foot down'. I respect them for standing their ground like that. Makes me realize that the world doesn't revolve around me and that there are boundaries that are in place and must be respected. There are times, however, when tough love was shown during my depression in the past..and it was reaaally hard to hear it. Like for instance, "you need to grow up". That type of thing to hear when one is depressed doesn't necessarily inspire..motivation. It makes you feel even more worthless. I was very sensitive back then..and quite fragile given my depressed/highly anxious state and isolated state. I never really talked about my depression back then to my family..so they didn't know. Their 'tough-love' was just their way of waking me up and helping me get motivated to do something about my life. Thankfully..I'm at a better place now-all thanks toward God Who sustained me through it and helped motivate me more than anyone could in ways that touched me personally deep down and got through to me.

 

[alsughasoughaiuyfygh]

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[Winken]

I have adult grandchildren who came to me quite often for $$$$. I learned to hug them, tell them how much I loved them, when I said "no." Today, our relationship remains strong and they don't ask anymore.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

QUOTE="Wayholka"]"Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." ~Romans 12:15

"Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." ~Ephesians 4:32

"Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind." ~1 Peter 3:8

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." ~ Ephesians 3:29

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ 22 But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brothera will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire." ~Matthew 5:21-22

And many, many more.

I'm sorry but calling me a 'snowflake' for having emotional problems stemming from my disability and rough life isn't exactly Christ-like. Sometimes I wonder if many Christians even believe in Jesus's teachings or if they just like the status of being saved.[/QUOTE

Did someone associate tough love , or love, with calling you names ?

 

[Hidden In Him]

Some will say "tough love" requires hitting a child when they are naughty for instance.

I'm in favor of discipline (Proverbs 13:24; Proverbs 29:15), as is our Lord in how He has always dealt with His children (Hebrews 12:6-7; Revelation 3:19), and will always deal with His children (Revelation 2:27). But this discipline must always be administered in love, not anger, lest it become abuse.

Others will mean, just having strict boundaries and rarely being flexible about moving those boundaries. Tough love doesn't just apply to parenthood. It can apply to partners in relationships. Friends. Siblings. Colleagues at work. Being a boss at work. Being a pastor, priest even.

Yes, but it must be exercised through the leading of the Holy Spirit. When you are dealing with adults you may have a real fight on your hands, in which case you have to be up to the task in the authority of the Lord Jesus Christ. I don't mean by applying that "tag" to yourself arbitrarilly, but by actually walking in the empowerment of the Holy Spirit to stand your ground in the face of being rejected, ridiculed, insulted, temporarily despised...

Tough love is called that not just because it's tough on the recipient. In reality, it's much tougher on the administrator when the motivation is love, and wanting only to correct.

"Kindness" can be such a vague word. Am I really being kind to a friend I don't want to see anymore , by simply ignoring them? They'll get the message that I don't like their company without me saying anything?

Exactly. To simply walk away would mean you had no faith in them whatsoever, so much so that you didn't even give them a chance. No easy business, but there is a saying, "The truth eventually comes out," and you have to trust in that axiom enough to step out in faith, and then hope for the best. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, verses 6-7 especially).

 

[rturner76]

wrong forum

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Yes Yes, beat and rebuke them! Like the good old days...

Well, either that or ruin their lives for however long they live....

or instead, do nothing, and what was needing to be done stays uncorrected.... festers, grows, hidden, insidious, because no one would do what is right....

or things much worse.... continued, sinful instead of relaxed without sin,
repressed feelings and thoughts with no outlet .... unrepented, unknown after a time but still there...

 

[rturner76]

wrong forum