Wanting to date and convert a non-believer

[J0SHUA]

I've had a new coworker who started about a month ago. She said she likes me but feels like she would be a bad influence for me because she sees me as a good person and sees herself as a bad person. She considers herself a Christian, but from what I can tell, doesn't live as one or seem to have a faith driving her to live in a godly manner. She seems to just do what she wants. I know it seems absurd to like a girl like this, but I do. At first I only felt interest because of how beautiful she is and started losing interest when I got to know her, but then I got to know her even more. When you really get to know her she is actually a great person, and we have a lot of similarities.

She has a boyfriend but told me she is going to leave him. I want to be with her and hope she may develop a faith and the same morals and values as me since she does at least consider herself Christian, but it feels unlikely. There was a point in my life where I was in the same situation as her. I considered myself Christian but didn't live like one but eventually started to truly build a relationship with Christ. That's what I'm hoping for her right now. She tells me she's afraid she'll corrupt me, but I know I'm set in my ways with my beliefs and I'm hoping I'll be the one being an influence.

I'm going to talk to her about this at some point, it just isn't easy because I only talk to her at work. I don't talk to her outside of work because of the fact she still has a boyfriend and I don't want to cause any problems between them. Any advice would be nice, thank you

 

[High Fidelity]

I'd wait until she's firmly established in faith on her own terms, not because she wants to be with you or is being who you want her to be.

Missionary dating almost never works and often time results in the Christian conceding more to the unbeliever than the other way round.

But yeah, wait. May not be easy, but ultimately if it's something you both want and aren't just dating to pass time, it's something that shouldn't be an issue considering it may be months or a year or however long in potentially a life time of marriage, which is the end goal surely, so there's no use in rushing things.

 

[jacksknight]

I've had a new coworker who started about a month ago. She said she likes me but feels like she would be a bad influence for me because she sees me as a good person and sees herself as a bad person. She considers herself a Christian, but from what I can tell, doesn't live as one or seem to have a faith driving her to live in a godly manner. She seems to just do what she wants. I know it seems absurd to like a girl like this, but I do. At first I only felt interest because of how beautiful she is and started losing interest when I got to know her, but then I got to know her even more. When you really get to know her she is actually a great person, and we have a lot of similarities.

She has a boyfriend but told me she is going to leave him. I want to be with her and hope she may develop a faith and the same morals and values as me since she does at least consider herself Christian, but it feels unlikely. There was a point in my life where I was in the same situation as her. I considered myself Christian but didn't live like one but eventually started to truly build a relationship with Christ. That's what I'm hoping for her right now. She tells me she's afraid she'll corrupt me, but I know I'm set in my ways with my beliefs and I'm hoping I'll be the one being an influence.

I'm going to talk to her about this at some point, it just isn't easy because I only talk to her at work. I don't talk to her outside of work because of the fact she still has a boyfriend and I don't want to cause any problems between them. Any advice would be nice, thank you

I'll be blunt since you asked. Get out while you still can. It wont work, all the signs are there of her doing exactly what she said to you. That relationship will corrupt you. She is interested in you but still has a boyfriend. She is going to leave him, but i bet he doesn't know. Next thing you know you will be the boyfriend in the dark she is getting ready to leave. She says she is a Christian but you say she doesn't act like one. "By their fruit you will know them."

She clearly does not have her priorities straight and no good will come of it. You cannot save her, only God can. You cannot build a relationship on trying to convert/save someone.

That being said I don't think its absurd at all that you are attracted to her. I mean if she is attractive and has qualities you like, then why shouldn't you be. There is nothing wrong with that, but you have to be careful of your own motives for building a relationship with her. Is it your will or Gods?

 

[shelley1952]

The two men ahead of me nailed it pretty well on the head. You are a single young man, you are going to see some beautiful women but there is a danger there. Believe me, no matter how strong you think you are when that beautiful woman works her charms on you there is a big chance you wont be able resist it too long. Women have their ways. She is probably right that she would be a bad influence on you. Also I have seen several men and women both think they can get someone saved or changed if they dated then but it ended with someone getting hurt. She does have to make up her own mind that she wants to serve God for herself, not for someone else. I would not be a part of her split with her present boyfriend either. I think it would be the smart thing to put her in Gods hands and just stand off and wait. As I said, a good call for the other gents before me. If you have been praying to meet someone just be patient. God bless Joshua

 

[Job8]

Any advice would be nice

Forget about dating and trying to convert someone. Be honest. Tell her where you stand and let her know that unless you both are on the same wavelength, it's a lost cause. So if an when she does get on the same track, you can reconsider.

 

[Greg J.]

The more you want to be with her, the more your focus on God would be diluted (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). If you continued to see her, and started falling in love with each other, it would eventually become nearly impossible to stop. Also, it would be tormenting regardless of what you decided. Your perspective would probably shift on matters like not becoming yoked with unbelievers, because it will be easier to understand and accept the more comfortable interpretations of Scripture than the ones that cause you pain if you are obedient. It is fairly clear that you should not become yoked with an unbeliever regarding marriage (2 Corinthians 6:14-18, 1 Corinthians 7:16, also interpreting 1 Corinthains 6:15-17 to not unite with someone that doesn't have the Spirit of God, and other places).

Paul implies you can't know if you will save her (1 Corinthians 7:16).

Something important to be aware of is that you wouldn't be able to tell to what degree she is following Jesus because of you. She probably wouldn't know exactly either. In other words, if you broke up, would she continue to follow Jesus? If not, then she wasn't really following Him. She might be able to tell what she would do, but you wouldn't. The only evidence of a person's heart condition about God is through their behavior, but in this situation, her behavior would not be a reliable source regarding her heart toward the Lord.

You could tell her something like, "I can't really date people who haven't been following Jesus for at least a little while." That's a way of saying she would have to decide to follow Jesus on her own without you. I wouldn't explicitly say that you would want to date her if she got serious about Jesus Christ, but you can leave that door open. But you might need to wait longer than you want to make sure her faith is genuine. A lot of people "try" Christianity and decide it's not for them. They didn't ever actually believe in the Lord. Christianity isn't a lifestyle or even about knowing Scripture or being obedient, it is about a living Person.

She has to have no reward (from you, such as dating) for following Christ for there to be any hope of finding out whether she is actually following Jesus or not. She has to believe in him.

Whenever you make a choice for the Lord instead of what you want, you are succeeding in taking your cross up daily (Luke 9:23), and the Lord will reward you. For this kind of situation, that includes in this life.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

I've had a new coworker who started about a month ago. She said she likes me but feels like she would be a bad influence for me because she sees me as a good person and sees herself as a bad person. She considers herself a Christian, but from what I can tell, doesn't live as one or seem to have a faith driving her to live in a godly manner. She seems to just do what she wants. I know it seems absurd to like a girl like this, but I do. At first I only felt interest because of how beautiful she is and started losing interest when I got to know her, but then I got to know her even more. When you really get to know her she is actually a great person, and we have a lot of similarities.

She has a boyfriend but told me she is going to leave him. I want to be with her and hope she may develop a faith and the same morals and values as me since she does at least consider herself Christian, but it feels unlikely. There was a point in my life where I was in the same situation as her. I considered myself Christian but didn't live like one but eventually started to truly build a relationship with Christ. That's what I'm hoping for her right now. She tells me she's afraid she'll corrupt me, but I know I'm set in my ways with my beliefs and I'm hoping I'll be the one being an influence.

I'm going to talk to her about this at some point, it just isn't easy because I only talk to her at work. I don't talk to her outside of work because of the fact she still has a boyfriend and I don't want to cause any problems between them. Any advice would be nice, thank you

JOSHUA: If you care about her, then connect her with a Christian woman to witness to her, not you. You got your feelings all tied up with her. She already influencing you, you keep talking to her, pursuing...knowing she has a boyfriend and she not saved. She having more of an influence on you, than you have on her...you already being lead away...your heart/thoughts be straying after her etc. Turn back quickly, you heading on the wrong path. You have to guard your heart, do it now!

 

[Mudinyeri]

Three things:

1. Don't date her until you're certain that she is a Christian
2. She's subtly telling you that she doesn't see you as a long-term option with the "I'm bad, you're good" routine
3. She's preparing her exit ramp (you) as she leaves her current boyfriend

 

[seashale76]

Missionary dating is almost always a terrible idea. Never ever date someone with the intent of trying to change them. This type of thing hardly ever ends well.