I was bullied at church. Why should I go back?

[FutureAndAHope]

Greetings and God's blessings to you all.

I am a 35 year old male from Canada. I would like to share a very personal topic that has caused me a lot of grief over the years. When I was a child, my mother struggled with poverty and lacked support for her physical disability. On my sixth birthday, she started sending me on a bus every Sunday to attend a Methodist church. I don’t think she saw it as religious indoctrination but rather a way for me to be part of something bigger. But it didn’t take long for my hand-me-down clothes and outdated sneakers to make me a target for bullying. The one place I never expected to feel out of place became the hardest place to be. These kids were second- and third-generation members of that church, and they got preferential treatment.

At a certain age, we advanced to what they called “intermediate studies,” and that’s when the bullying escalated. They told me I didn’t have family money because God didn’t have a future for me. I remember the exact day I stopped going to church. That Sunday, the kids lied to the bus driver, telling him I had gone home sick. I hadn’t. My mother had no backup plan. She had to spend $18 on a taxi to come get me. At the time, I didn’t understand what that meant, but that night, when dinner was served, she didn’t eat. She told me her stomach was sick. Now I know the truth: the taxi fare meant she couldn’t afford her own meal.

After that, I never looked back. I leaned into every piece of scripture that told me it was okay to pray alone, in my room, and that I didn’t need a church to be a Christian. I explored the idea of spirituality versus religion. For the longest time, I never considered stepping back into a church. Then, 15 years later, my late mother - by then in respite care - asked me to attend the small Catholic Mass in the basement. And do you know what I felt? Fear. I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. When it came time for communion, I gave a nervous smile and passed on the offering.

Later, I went through extensive therapy with a doctor who had once been an ordained minister. His advice stuck with me:

"Where would we be if fear stopped us from doing things? We don’t jump out of planes because it feels good. We do it for the thrill of making our fears feel tiny, even if only for a few fleeting minutes."

So, here I am. A grown adult absolutely terrified of churches. I believe in talking to people who have passed, in hopes that they are nearby. Intercessory prayer is important to me. I also believe in baptism. I’m a real mix of Christian beliefs.

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

Take your time. Don't rush. But from time to time visit a church. Find one that is welcoming and comforts you. You may find a new home.

 

[JustaPewFiller]

I am very sorry that happened to you. Some people in the world are just jerks. Sometimes jerks even make their way into church.

It should not happen, but I'm not going to pretend that it does not.

If being in a bigger crowd does not bother you, I'd suggest visiting a larger church a few times, and sit on the aisle on an exit row.

This isn't ideal. But, in your case it has a few advantages.

In a small church a newbie can sometimes get a lot of attention. But, it is easier to be "lost in the crowd" in a bigger church and if you do get uncomfortable and want to leave you can do so without an issue.

As you feel more comfortable you can try other churches or mingle a little more.

 

[Hoping2]

I told that that you wouldn't understand.

Is it not a defense mechanism ?

 

[soldier of light]

Is it not a defense mechanism ?

Yes

 

[Hoping2]

Yes

You already know the reason you developed that mechanism, so why do things from so many years ago still control your responses to others ?
What I feared at age ten doesn't still scare me.
I found ways to avoid, or deal with, things that scared me.
You seem to have gotten stuck in the past.

Life is a constant story of encountering new and different things.
We get the opportunity to fine-tune our responses to events over time.
What doesn't work in the past is put away in favor of new tactics.
Either adapt, or stick with an outdated response that stifles your emotional growth.

 

[soldier of light]

You already know the reason you developed that mechanism, so why do things from so many years ago still control your responses to others ?
What I feared at age ten doesn't still scare me.
I found ways to avoid, or deal with, things that scared me.
You seem to have gotten stuck in the past.

Life is a constant story of encountering new and different things.
We get the opportunity to fine-tune our responses to events over time.
What doesn't work in the past is put away in favor of new tactics.
Either adapt, or stick with an outdated response that stifles your emotional growth.

You have no clue my friend. You're assuming these thing's.

 

[soldier of light]

Either adapt, or stick with an outdated response that stifles your emotional growth.

I have much joy, peace and love. I dont know how much more mature I can get emotionally. The anxiety attacks are not immaturity but are a physical illness. Let's not debate here.

 

[Hoping2]

I have much joy, peace and love.

Then what is the topic of this thread ?

I dont know how much more mature I can get emotionally. The anxiety attacks are not immaturity but are a physical illness. Let's not debate here.

If it is a physical illness, see a doctor.

 

[soldier of light]

Then what is the topic of this thread ?

If it is a physical illness, see a doctor.

I do see a doctor. But why are we debating it? The topic isn't about us.