- Nov 9, 2019
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In recent times, I have mostly thought that I am a Christian. But then, certain things come to mind which make me wonder. Therefore, I am posting this in “Struggles by Non-Christians.”
I suppose that the single most undesirable thing about Christianity and the Gospel of Christ is the claim that I have to die to myself. That I am sinful and evil by nature is a concept that can be readily realized; the Bible asserts this and the evidence backs that up. But that I have to die to myself in order to be truly alive is really, very hard to take. The whole Christian deal is off if I do not die to myself.
That we are sinful and can do nothing to save ourselves may be very hard for many people to be willing to agree with. But, especially, that combined with the claim that we must each, as individuals, die to ourselves is what makes Christianity so unpalatable. This is the reason that the Christian message is disbelieved and hated. This is the reason why Christians are persecuted.
I have been trying to give my life to Christ, to be saved, to be converted, to be born again, to have passed from death to life, for well over ten years. But each time I have a supposed salvation experience, doubt quickly follows.
JD Greear, in his book Stop Asking Jesus Into Your Heart: How to Know For Sure You Are Saved, says, of his first year in college:
“But no matter what I did, what promises I made, or how many times I asked Jesus into my heart, I could not shake the fear that I was headed for hell.
“That might sound strange, almost delusional, to some people. But if you really believe in heaven and hell, how can you not be desperate to know which one you are headed to? Toward the end of that year, I began to conclude I could never really know. I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt despair, like a dark storm cloud, coming over my heart.”
In recent days, I have mostly thought I am a Christian. But yesterday, when I read Ephesians chapter three, I was so blown away, considering the realities of the kingdom of God, that I thought, ‘I really do not connect with this kingdom like one should.’ That got me to doubting my salvation. On a number of occasions, when I have just thought I had just given my life to Christ, I would think, ‘OK, Ephesians 1:13-14. If I doubt again after this, I’ll just remember to repeat, “Ephesians 1:13-4.”’ It got to where I started repeating that again, this time around. That passage states that when one trusts Christ, they are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise.
I believe in salvation-in-a-moment. This is very biblical. The astonishing thing is that your whole eternal destiny can be changed from hell to heaven in a moment. So, I have long sought that moment of salvation. But if I get saved in a moment, but only FOR a moment, then am I really saved?
I have thought, if I am headed for hell, that I should be aware of that fact, so that maybe, someday, something will change and I will then be headed for heaven.
My struggle with seeking an elusive salvation has kept me dysfunctional for over a decade. Sometimes, I think I am saved and try to begin to return to normal functioning. But then the doubt hits again and I go dysfunctional again. This morning, when I woke up, I was thinking positive thoughts about attempts at a career ahead. Then I thought, to turn my back on what the first three chapters of Ephesians say about the kingdom of God, and to get excited about career possibilities, is to be making a typically human, evil decision.
So, more recently this morning, I have returned to thinking about the possibility that maybe the eternal destiny I am headed for is hell. Not to get depressed or anxious about it, but just to realize it. I have thought, ‘If what is causing these doubts is the possibility that I do not want to die to self, then I’ll extricate myself from this struggle emotionally, and just intellectually realize that unless I am willing to die to self, I am not going to heaven.’ No depression, no anxiety. Just the mental acknowledgement of the fact. If I, in my mind, realize that unless I become willing to die to self, I am headed for hell, then, maybe, realizing that fact will eventually lead to something changing in me.
Until I face up to this most undesirable fact of Christianity, I may need to realize that I am not a Christian.
I suppose that the single most undesirable thing about Christianity and the Gospel of Christ is the claim that I have to die to myself. That I am sinful and evil by nature is a concept that can be readily realized; the Bible asserts this and the evidence backs that up. But that I have to die to myself in order to be truly alive is really, very hard to take. The whole Christian deal is off if I do not die to myself.
That we are sinful and can do nothing to save ourselves may be very hard for many people to be willing to agree with. But, especially, that combined with the claim that we must each, as individuals, die to ourselves is what makes Christianity so unpalatable. This is the reason that the Christian message is disbelieved and hated. This is the reason why Christians are persecuted.
I have been trying to give my life to Christ, to be saved, to be converted, to be born again, to have passed from death to life, for well over ten years. But each time I have a supposed salvation experience, doubt quickly follows.
JD Greear, in his book Stop Asking Jesus Into Your Heart: How to Know For Sure You Are Saved, says, of his first year in college:
“But no matter what I did, what promises I made, or how many times I asked Jesus into my heart, I could not shake the fear that I was headed for hell.
“That might sound strange, almost delusional, to some people. But if you really believe in heaven and hell, how can you not be desperate to know which one you are headed to? Toward the end of that year, I began to conclude I could never really know. I wasn’t sure what to do. I felt despair, like a dark storm cloud, coming over my heart.”
In recent days, I have mostly thought I am a Christian. But yesterday, when I read Ephesians chapter three, I was so blown away, considering the realities of the kingdom of God, that I thought, ‘I really do not connect with this kingdom like one should.’ That got me to doubting my salvation. On a number of occasions, when I have just thought I had just given my life to Christ, I would think, ‘OK, Ephesians 1:13-14. If I doubt again after this, I’ll just remember to repeat, “Ephesians 1:13-4.”’ It got to where I started repeating that again, this time around. That passage states that when one trusts Christ, they are sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise.
I believe in salvation-in-a-moment. This is very biblical. The astonishing thing is that your whole eternal destiny can be changed from hell to heaven in a moment. So, I have long sought that moment of salvation. But if I get saved in a moment, but only FOR a moment, then am I really saved?
I have thought, if I am headed for hell, that I should be aware of that fact, so that maybe, someday, something will change and I will then be headed for heaven.
My struggle with seeking an elusive salvation has kept me dysfunctional for over a decade. Sometimes, I think I am saved and try to begin to return to normal functioning. But then the doubt hits again and I go dysfunctional again. This morning, when I woke up, I was thinking positive thoughts about attempts at a career ahead. Then I thought, to turn my back on what the first three chapters of Ephesians say about the kingdom of God, and to get excited about career possibilities, is to be making a typically human, evil decision.
So, more recently this morning, I have returned to thinking about the possibility that maybe the eternal destiny I am headed for is hell. Not to get depressed or anxious about it, but just to realize it. I have thought, ‘If what is causing these doubts is the possibility that I do not want to die to self, then I’ll extricate myself from this struggle emotionally, and just intellectually realize that unless I am willing to die to self, I am not going to heaven.’ No depression, no anxiety. Just the mental acknowledgement of the fact. If I, in my mind, realize that unless I become willing to die to self, I am headed for hell, then, maybe, realizing that fact will eventually lead to something changing in me.
Until I face up to this most undesirable fact of Christianity, I may need to realize that I am not a Christian.