She wants me to sign uncontested divorce papers...

[christianfilmcrew]

I have been married to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder...

She wants me to go to the courthouse tomorrow and sign uncontested divorce papers... I don't want to go, I don't want to have anything to do with divorvce.

I love her so much, and I feel the pain inside of her. I don't want to give up, but there's nothing I can do. This hurts so much. The more I think back the more I realize that she never really loved me. She's been trying to destroy the marriage since day one.

I'm hurting so bad right now. When she called and left a message she spoke of divorce like we were going to the store to buy a bottle of milk... I don't get it I don't understand.

God seemed to lead us together, it was pretty clear it was His guidance. Did I miss something? I feel so lost.

Why? Why must I go through this? Why have I been treated like this? Marriage is supposed to be for life. How can someone just toss it aside and think it's normal. I can't do this. I can't bring myself to have anything to do with divorce.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggghhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

[Avaya]

Then I suggest that you do not go sign. In my state, you can choose not to sign for 18 months (after that the divorce seeking party gets the divorce anyway). Don't sign and just pray during that time. Let God work on both of you. He will either heal your wife and lead her back to you. Or He will give you peace about what you need to do. God is a lot more longsuffering than we are. Wait Him out and let Him do the work He began when He joined you two in marriage.

You're in my prayers!

 

[christianfilmcrew]

I'm in Nevada and the law I think is 20 days.

I'm calling for legal advice through the EAP...

Can I not sign and refuse to go to court?

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Can I not sign and refuse to go to court?

If it's uncontested, you don't have to attend the divorce hearing. You only need to show up to sign the papers in the presence of a Notary Public. If Nevada is a no-fault state, it doesn't matter if you sign them or not. The marriage will be disolved regardless. If it appears she is not willing to resolve the issues here and if she poses a physical threat to you and acts like she doesn't even care, all you can do is let her go. I know it hurts. Situations like this are never easy for anyone involved, but there are things you can do to make it as stress-free as possible on yourself to preserve your own sanity. You'll have to decide whether or not you sign the papers, but if it's a no-fault state, it won't matter anyway. :-(

 

[desi]

You are the man in the marriage and by rights you divorce her if you decide to if she cheats on you. Period. Don't sign the papers, do go to court. Tell the judge its not over, then get the Bible and show him where Jesus says as much.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

Him going to court and throwing the Bible in the judge's face won't make a difference in the state of Nevada. I checked, it's a no-fault state. Anyway, she poses a serious danger to his emotional and physical wellbeing. If she wants the divorce she'll get it whether he signs the papers or not. Causing a scene at the courthouse is a swift way to have a restraining order taken out against you.

 

[desi]

Him going to court and throwing the Bible in the judge's face won't make a difference in the state of Nevada. I checked, it's a no-fault state. Anyway, she poses a serious danger to his emotional and physical wellbeing. If she wants the divorce she'll get it whether he signs the papers or not. Causing a scene at the courthouse is a swift way to have a restraining order taken out against you.

That talk is pretty sounding but not Biblically based. If he does the right thing God will favor him.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

That talk is pretty sounding but not Biblically based. If he does the right thing God will favor him.

I can't help it if it isn't Biblically based. The law is the law and we are commanded, by Scriptures, to obey those laws. Bottom line, if she signs the papers and he doesn't, after so many days the marriage will be disolved anyway. It's out of his hands at this point.

 

[desi]

I can't help it if it isn't Biblically based. The law is the law and we are commanded, by Scriptures, to obey those laws. Bottom line, if she signs the papers and he doesn't, after so many days the marriage will be disolved anyway. It's out of his hands at this point.

God's law and man's law are two separate animals. If you place man's law above God's law crazy things become common as the tail starts to wag the dog. Most good Bible stories have a situation where someone does something that is right despite public protest. Jesus was told to cool it by 'the law' of his day. If we do what is right God will manifest and we will be blessed.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

You're still missing the point. You act as if he has given up when he hasn't. He has tried everything to get his wayward wife to commit to making the marriage work. She refuses to comply and now she is filing for divorce in a no-fault state. He can take the step by refusing to sign the divorce papers, but it won't matter. At that point, what would you suggest he do?

 

[madison1101]

It seems pretty clear that it is over. Making a scene in the courtroom will only land him in prison on contempt charges. That is not honoring to God. The judge will not care what the scriptures say, only what the Nevada Consitution says. That is the law of the land. He is bound and sworn to uphold that Consitution.

It is not easy, as I went through the same thing. My ex filed, and my lawyer suggested I just sign and get it over with, as we had to dispose of the house we lived in together anyway.

Christianfilmcrew, have you obtained the services of a lawyer?

 

[jenelis]

CristianFilmCrew--

Having followed your emotional rollercoaster for a few weeks now...

if you're unsure, don't show up. In Florida where I;m familiar with the laws (also uncontested divorce state) she'd then have to file a petition and it will go to court for either a date from the judge or an appointment for mediation.

While you delay, you should probably talk to your preacher, maybe see a therapist yourself so you'll know how to angle conversations with her. If you REALLY don't want it to be over-- fight to show her. You could find that she'll straighten out and come back or you'll find she doesn't care and will move on regardless of any actions you take. Either way, you'll be able to live with the fact that you did ALL you could to reconcile. (for the biblical crew-- it's my belief that God will know he's exausted avenues and bless his future decisions).

However, the other side is that you might need to leave. If you feel she never loved you and hasn't wanted to be with you, then you may need to accept the fate that God has created for you.

 

[christianfilmcrew]

Thanks everyone. I will delay on signing papers... I did talk with an attorney today and he said there was nothing I could do...

Desi, unfortunately we're talking about someone with BPD here. It really isn't safe for me to be in the same room as her. I don't want to put myself at risk of her baiting me again and then finding myself arrested if I were to fall for it.

If I can choose not to sign the papers I won't. I want to uphold what God says, and it will all have to be her doing. As long as I don't get screwed over in the process then I believe that is the way I should go...

My wife appears to be saved but I've had many pastors say it sounds like she's an unbeliever. She's very firmly in 'splitting' mode, and the more I learn about BPD the more I am understanding her behaviour over time...

I think it's kinda interesting that the moment I cottoned on to the issue being BPD that she split. She claimed to be screened for BPD but refused to see a clinical psychologist. I wonder if she has known it all along...

I got a refreshing dose of agape love the other day from an old friend. She's getting married in 3 months and I'm so happy for her. She's a sweet girl who I can tell God has richly blessed.

I called immigration today and they said divorce should have no effect on my permanent residency now. I'm persuing a 2nd opinion through an immigration lawyer though. I am considering moving back to my beautiful home state in Australia though. A place with little violent crime, beautiful beaches, friendly people. A little piece of paradise on the earth...

I have many people I'd like to get reaquainted with their now... A lot of old bridges to rebuild... Yet the opportunities for work here are so much better... But with all the experience I've gained over here the last 2 years I should stand a good chance at getting work at one of the major TV networks in Australia.

 

[E-beth]

I am glad you are not signing the papers.

When my ex-husband filed for divorce, I was in so much pain and anger and depression that I didn't eeven get a lawyer. I just went to the guy he was using. It was as uncontested as it got. He wanted the house, I signed it away. I agreed to let him have the mortgages in return. I got nothing but a bunch of household "stuff". In the time after, when I was living on my own and came to my senses, I realized that I was living in an apartment with all that household stuff and was starving. I did not hold him accountable for his killing of our marriage at all. He got a house (minus the stuff inside) and went on living his life as he always had. I wish I would have gotten a lawyer and looked out for my own interests better. If I could go back in time, I would have hit him hard and made him pay some spousal support and sell the house and split the money. I did everything right and I ended up being the one to suffer.

What I am trying to say is, no matter how messed up she is, look out for yourself. Begin to document every instance where she threatens you, what she threatens you with, and only deal with her through, or in the presence of, attorneys or other authority figures. Be safe, my friend. And don't do what I did.

 

[christianfilmcrew]

She just called and I said I wouldn't be signing the papers and that I wouldn't have anything to do with divorce proceedures. Finally I feel good about a decision.

 

[desi]

She just called and I said I wouldn't be signing the papers and that I wouldn't have anything to do with divorce proceedures. Finally I feel good about a decision.

All it takes is doing what you already know is right, even if the Bible takes all the mystery out of the decision.

 

[krunk79]

Hey man, I'm praying for you. I'm in a very similar situation (read my profile--my wife doesn't have BPD, but she wants a divorce and hasn't given God, me, or our counselor the smallest opprotunity to even try to work things out), and I really feel for you. My wife told the counselor she was going to file for divorce (she didn't even have the courage to tell me herself), but so far I have heard nothing from her. I don't know what I'll do when I get to the point you're at-- 1 Corinthians ch 7 is very clear about divorce. It tells husbands not to divorce our wives and wives to not separate from their husbands, and if they do they must reconcile, and if they remarry they've committed adultery. In our cases you and I have done all that could possibly be done to save the marriage. Also, we are not the ones filing for divorce--our wives are. I think signing the papers (that THEY filed-not us) and allowing things to end peacefully is not necessarily unbilblical. If you were the one filing, then yeah, you're in the wrong scripturaly. In our case though, the divorce is going to go through if we sign the papers or not, and we are not the ones who initiated the divorce. Things can get very messy and hostile if we fight (not to mention can also kill any chance of reconciliation if we are not careful about how it is handled) But on the other hand, I know how you feel--you want to make sure that you did every thing you could to save the marriage, even to the last minute.

I would reccomend "Getting Through the Tough Stuff" by Chuck Swindoll--there is a chapter in there about divorce, and remarriage, and what God has to say about these things. He is a very wise man, and I am grateful that we have somebody like him to teach us. Another great book on how to save your marriage if it is on the rocks is "Love Must be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. He and his ministry, Focus on the Family, have been a great encouragement to me. If you go to their website, you can also submit a prayer request, and their staff will pray for you. They also have counselors you can call on the phone for free, which might help out.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this--life is not always fun. But remember that God is there with us even through these difficult times, and allow Him to guide you. His love and guidance are the only things that have carried me through the past few months. Again, I'll be praying for you.

 

[desi]

You're still missing the point. You act as if he has given up when he hasn't. He has tried everything to get his wayward wife to commit to making the marriage work. She refuses to comply and now she is filing for divorce in a no-fault state. He can take the step by refusing to sign the divorce papers, but it won't matter. At that point, what would you suggest he do?

Stand up in court with the Bible people swear in with and read to the judge the grounds for refusing divorce based on what Jesus says about it. Then stand there looking the judge in the eye to see what he does next. It is the only way to go to the mat on this one. If he would save his marriage he should trust in God to the bitter, or miraculous, end.

 

[christianfilmcrew]

Desi, I don't have the funds to go to court or afford an attorney. I won't be going to court. It is something my wife will have to do on her own. And it would be too dangerous to attempt because of the BPD... I will not put myself at risk of being jailed.

Remember Pr 27 - A wise man sees danger and seeks shelter, but a fool keeps going and suffers harm for it.

I am still standing for my marriage. It is up to my wife to divorce. Remember the Bible says that if the Unbeliever leaves to let them go. I cannot stand in the way, but I will be on my knees praying. Divorce may not be the end to this story. I still love my wife, and I won't quit on this. If things should turn around then we can remarry...

There is nothing I can do to stop the divorce from happening. I am in a no fault state, I spoke with a lawyer today and he said I could delay it for about 6-12 months, but we have no joint property and no children. She will get a divorce no matter what...

I do feel good about the decision I made today. Even if I get sanctions I don't mind, I will still be looking to God for the marriage... It will take wisdom and a lot of prayer... But God is MIGHTY. The Bible says that if it is not for sexual immorality or unbelief then go be reconciled or don't remarry. I hold on to this...

As far as I'm concerned it ain't over until God says it's over. I don't see divorce as the end, I see it as only the beginning...

She said something weird to me tonight tho when I told her I wouldn't be signing any divorce papers, that I wouldn't contest it but that I wouldn't be signing any papers... She said I'm sure we'll keep talking???

I can only trust in God, and get radical in this whole thing. The world says run, Jesus says bless your 'enemies'. Regardless, I am still going to bless Phelicia, does it make sense? No, but I've seen the principle work... In fact I am excited by the thought of loving her family and her even in the midst of all this...

It's nuts, I must be nuts... I need wisdom and courage but God is able... I must be a lunatic or I must really be believing God's commands and example...

 

[hidesertrat]

I am glad you are not signing the papers.

When my ex-husband filed for divorce, I was in so much pain and anger and depression that I didn't eeven get a lawyer. I just went to the guy he was using. It was as uncontested as it got. He wanted the house, I signed it away. I agreed to let him have the mortgages in return. I got nothing but a bunch of household "stuff". In the time after, when I was living on my own and came to my senses, I realized that I was living in an apartment with all that household stuff and was starving. I did not hold him accountable for his killing of our marriage at all. He got a house (minus the stuff inside) and went on living his life as he always had. I wish I would have gotten a lawyer and looked out for my own interests better. If I could go back in time, I would have hit him hard and made him pay some spousal support and sell the house and split the money. I did everything right and I ended up being the one to suffer.

What I am trying to say is, no matter how messed up she is, look out for yourself. Begin to document every instance where she threatens you, what she threatens you with, and only deal with her through, or in the presence of, attorneys or other authority figures. Be safe, my friend. And don't do what I did.

Heed this advice!! If you don't sign the papers, show up in court. If you don't, she can ask for anything she wants and the judge will award it to her only because you are not there. If she wants spousal support of $1000.00, she may just get it.
You have to take care of yourself, than you will be able to take care of her, if that is what you decide.