I NEED to get this off my chest.
I have this online friend who was one of the people that helped bring me to Christianity but over the years our friendship has taken a turn for the worst, I'll be honest I'm pretty pathetic, self-conscious, and insecure which often leads to self-obsession but there's just so many things he's said and done that have been red flags for me ending the friendship but i just can't help wonder if I'm in the wrong and that he's the one that's in the right. To a list few things:
-He is very racist towards me and treats me inferior and belittles me. He calls me the N-word very frequently. I guess this is the main issue. At first he didn't, Until I told him that I don't care that he did and that was okay if he said it. Says I talk and ramble too much and should speak less and read proverbs. Says i should be lucky i have a friend like him that cares about my soul. Now he says the N-word in my presence very often especially when we are watching the new and world events. One time he while we were discussing something, He told me that I was just a dumb animal and that he doesn't care what some n-word thinks. He's constantly calling my race pitiful and pathetic. He has insulted everything about me, My intelligence, My heritage (he says descend and have no warrior blood inside me), My attractiveness (Calls me ugly), My height (Let's says im in the 5"10 - 6"1 range, My athleticism (I'm strong and am lean well-built and train martial arts), My friends, My appetite, My dignity, and even the size of my genitalia. Whenever i go on a date with woman, He says there must be something twisted about them to want to date me. He also gets FURIOUS if i date a woman that isn't the same race as me, and says i practice abomination, even though he is mixed race himself. He also often jokes about me being a scrub and getting prison raped, and has even joked about overpowering and raping me a few times.
-His best friend is a young adult woman that he met online when she was around 13-14 (He was in his late 20's and in fact most his friends he met when they were teenagers), and from my perspective it seems like genuinely loves her because he gives her good advice and has helped led her to christ, and he's always been listening to her and helping her with her problems, and occasionally gets her gifts. But there were some things that he's said that were sketchy like one time we were playing and game and he got very angry and started calling her a B-word and beating her up in the game to express his fury, Shouting at her until she cried then there was this one time that someone online started mocking and trolling him in a game, she started laughing, and he later told me that he wanted to strangle her. He' used to call her a demon all the time, but now that she acts more Christian he doesnt really berate or chastise her anymore. If their relationship is romantic, It's one sided because she dates other men but I dont wonder if there's a jealousy on his part and if she reciprocated his emotions, Would he date her? One time he said that the boys she dates should be thanking him because he helped make her so decent and Christian. A couple of months ago he said that she'd probably to be beheaded during the tribulation because shes too imperfect to be raptured (although he considers himself sinful too tbh)
-He's very prideful and tends to view himself as superior to other. He says he has a higher understanding of the bible than most people and believes that he was of the few Christians that fully achieved god's will, Achieved perfection, and entered the kingdom within while on earth but fell from grace. He says that he understands what love and selflessness because of the bible and that he is one of the few people that have loved and self-sacrificed to the peak and that everyone else is selfish. Every so often he'll start talking about his past, About how cool he was, How strong, brave and fearless he was, and how him and his buds were popular and got all the girls. Hes hypercompetitive, We've been playing this game recently with this other friend who's really good, Personally I dont care if im constantly losing to our skilled friend. But my friend has turned this fun game time into this dark vulgar competition like if he starts losing he gets anger and starts cursing, and his main motivation is to be better than our skilled friend or at least at his level and laughs at me for just settling for mediocrity and just wanting to have fun. He's very well-versed in alot of subjects, and likes to act like he knows a little about everything, and has perfected all the crafts he's done. He says he was always the best guy at any job he worked before he became unemployed and lived with his relative. He believes he's always right about everything because his truths are fixed on the bible, even though hes changed his opinions before. Like I remember i was talking about a job i had in security and military, and he responds with things like "yeah i worked at the gas station and i had to do a bit of security" or "yeah dude, i spent my childhood and teens training to be a cia agent but god told me killing was bad so i didn't join". He says hes not domineering because he always does what other people want to do, but he still always has to talk himself up like he's toughest, most fearless warrior on the block and despite me being military, security background, and martial artist that works out near daily, He insist im a coward because i don't act macho or confident. Despite all this, Every once in a while he downplays himself and talks about how he fails god and insist that he is humble and narcisstic, and that im the narcissist because i talk too much and start defending myself if i criticized. He's always talking about how he's so done with this world and all our problems, tired of us, and just wants to be with god. He's often brings up things like i should submit to him and he's talking always talking about being a leader.
-He can be very resistant to confrontation and is very difficult to debate with. Not sure were to begin with this.....Arguing with him is like trying to siege a fortress, His voice is often so gruff and belligerent. He'll start speaking over you so you cant get a word in. He's very good at debating and analyzing things and he's constant tripping me up. He's so aggressive in his arguing, I can just never really find footing and knock him down. He's had so much practice arguing with teenagers on multiplayer games for nearly 2 decades. I'm usually a nice guy and it takes alot to genuinely anger me but I've snapped at him so many times for insulting me and whenever I try to defend myself from his attacks or explain myself to protect my ego, He starts calling me selfish and narcissistic, and in a way he's right because i should just be able to let things go. At first I just kind of took it in stride but after a while, it just became too much and I started snapping. One time he made me so angry because he was really trying to punk me off, I exploded and told him I was going to break him and started cursing at him and I was yelling so loud i woke up the neighbors. He blocked me then he started messaging me and begging and pleading me not do anything to him and said that I was more dangerous than he was, and that was sorry, it was pretty cowardly but i also wonder if he was just nobly following jesus instructions to make peace. I've been through alot but I've never wanted to physically harm someone more than this man. He says that if he stops talking to someone its probably because theyre damned and going to hell, which has seeded the idea in my mind that if we stop being friends then i might be an antichrist. He gets very irritated if you try to pick apart or continuously disagree with what he says. He always talks about love and how great his understanding of it, but he's so HATEFUL. I dont understand! He doesn't make peace. I also wonder if this is why he doesn't really hang around other christians probably because he doesnt want to get rebuked, Most of the people he seems to hangout with online are alot younger than him and he talks to them about christianity, and they have christian tendencies but he's always in a teaching position. Definitely not enough to rebuke him. He often says "Why is it always on me to change?" when confronted about changes he should make or when he offends people. One time he cried when I got angry at him and said that all he ever wants to do is hug me when he sees me but every time i try and talk to him he treats me like im some annoyance or burden. I don't get it. Another time, He tried to insult me while we were playing with our friend then I just started ignoring him and giving him no emotional response then he just immediately laughed then left and started ignoring my messages for days.
He makes me so inconceivably furious, All the things he's said to me have just built up over the years, I know I could definitely hurt him BAD given the right amount of time but i doubt he'd ever be able to face me, I truly think god protects him from me now so i'm supposed to submit to him in some way and endure his abuse because of something i must've done in the past and perhaps i myself need more humbling or perhaps i'm being mocked. Something hectic happened a few months ago, I had invited a christian friend of mine to the group who always very peaceful, warm, positive, and loving and even tried to befriend him but he just kept pushing him away because he was a "shallow" christian with little understanding. Well, One time while I wasn't around my peaceful friend came into the group to hangout and my racist friend started shouting the nword and was being aggressive to other players while he was gaming, and my peaceful friend started rebuking him and then my angry friend got angry and hostile and told him to go away, and that he'll say the n word as many times as he wants and that he calls me the n-word, and that he shouldn't be getting rebuked by him because theyre not even friends that my peaceful friend is a hypocrite because a bit of a troll himself. My peaceful friend came back in a few days later and then he tried to rebuke him again but my angry friend muted him, then unmuted him and listened to his rebuke then he just said screw it then left and my peaceful friend said that he could hear my angry friend sounding like he was about to cry right before he left. Now my angry friend has blocked my peaceful friend, and i asked him why he hasnt forgiven my peaceful friend but he says has, but just wont talk to him ever again.
Of course, You're probably still wondering why I'm still friends with this guy, Well part of it is pride and wrath, I keep feeling if I just back down and cut him out of my life then he wins because he seems to want that any way. I feel like i'm running away from him when i try to block him out of my life. My anger and rage towards him has become obsessive, no one in my life has every brought me to this point before. No one has. I'm constantly thinking about the arguments we've had and the things he's said to me. I don't hate him at all but I truly and deeply wish to hurt him. I train martial arts, I would train a year more to ensure utter complete dominance over him. He has tried so hard to break me and undermine my confidence and self esteem, in such insidious ways with his vulgar scornful tongue.
I barely ever insulted him, and if i do it's because he's thrown shade first. I've never been this furious with someone. I strongly believe god might have also put me in his path specifically so that I might beat him into submission and violently destroy his ego with my fist. Just the sheer audacity he has infuriates me and drives me wild. I've threatened him many times with visits. I'm not a violent person and am generally peaceful, docile, and timid but he considers that weakness and steps all over me until i snap at him then im suddenly considered a selfish demon. I want so bad to just see him break either physically or mentally, i cant just walk away.
Another reason, I'm friends is because I sincerely want peace between us. I want it to be like how when we first became friends he was so friendly, gentle, and such a good listener and kinda interesting to listen to. I thought I could finally open my heart to him. I finally felt like i had found my best friend. And i think maybe im the bad guy here and maybe I am. I talk alot. Im always anxious. Flighty ungrounded. Emotional. Take things too seriously. Too sensitive. Maybe its my fault and I'm the one that just needs to change? But again, The guy is like a fortress, I try to peel his layers but its like I can't get anywhere. Maybe he is the peaceful and he's doing it the biblical way and maybe I just dont understand. And some of things he does, Just doesn't make sense for a narcissist to do like He'll cry about trafficked children, people he loves, and things related to god, and a pure narcissist would never be Christian or acknowledge god's sovereignty. I just can't leave him. I can't. I feel like there's more to him than this and I just have to crack it like its a code.
Please patient with me I know this reads like a joke but im 100% serious, This is my life now.
I have this online friend who was one of the people that helped bring me to Christianity but over the years our friendship has taken a turn for the worst, I'll be honest I'm pretty pathetic, self-conscious, and insecure which often leads to self-obsession but there's just so many things he's said and done that have been red flags for me ending the friendship but i just can't help wonder if I'm in the wrong and that he's the one that's in the right. To a list few things:
-He is very racist towards me and treats me inferior and belittles me. He calls me the N-word very frequently. I guess this is the main issue. At first he didn't, Until I told him that I don't care that he did and that was okay if he said it. Says I talk and ramble too much and should speak less and read proverbs. Says i should be lucky i have a friend like him that cares about my soul. Now he says the N-word in my presence very often especially when we are watching the new and world events. One time he while we were discussing something, He told me that I was just a dumb animal and that he doesn't care what some n-word thinks. He's constantly calling my race pitiful and pathetic. He has insulted everything about me, My intelligence, My heritage (he says descend and have no warrior blood inside me), My attractiveness (Calls me ugly), My height (Let's says im in the 5"10 - 6"1 range, My athleticism (I'm strong and am lean well-built and train martial arts), My friends, My appetite, My dignity, and even the size of my genitalia. Whenever i go on a date with woman, He says there must be something twisted about them to want to date me. He also gets FURIOUS if i date a woman that isn't the same race as me, and says i practice abomination, even though he is mixed race himself. He also often jokes about me being a scrub and getting prison raped, and has even joked about overpowering and raping me a few times.
-His best friend is a young adult woman that he met online when she was around 13-14 (He was in his late 20's and in fact most his friends he met when they were teenagers), and from my perspective it seems like genuinely loves her because he gives her good advice and has helped led her to christ, and he's always been listening to her and helping her with her problems, and occasionally gets her gifts. But there were some things that he's said that were sketchy like one time we were playing and game and he got very angry and started calling her a B-word and beating her up in the game to express his fury, Shouting at her until she cried then there was this one time that someone online started mocking and trolling him in a game, she started laughing, and he later told me that he wanted to strangle her. He' used to call her a demon all the time, but now that she acts more Christian he doesnt really berate or chastise her anymore. If their relationship is romantic, It's one sided because she dates other men but I dont wonder if there's a jealousy on his part and if she reciprocated his emotions, Would he date her? One time he said that the boys she dates should be thanking him because he helped make her so decent and Christian. A couple of months ago he said that she'd probably to be beheaded during the tribulation because shes too imperfect to be raptured (although he considers himself sinful too tbh)
-He's very prideful and tends to view himself as superior to other. He says he has a higher understanding of the bible than most people and believes that he was of the few Christians that fully achieved god's will, Achieved perfection, and entered the kingdom within while on earth but fell from grace. He says that he understands what love and selflessness because of the bible and that he is one of the few people that have loved and self-sacrificed to the peak and that everyone else is selfish. Every so often he'll start talking about his past, About how cool he was, How strong, brave and fearless he was, and how him and his buds were popular and got all the girls. Hes hypercompetitive, We've been playing this game recently with this other friend who's really good, Personally I dont care if im constantly losing to our skilled friend. But my friend has turned this fun game time into this dark vulgar competition like if he starts losing he gets anger and starts cursing, and his main motivation is to be better than our skilled friend or at least at his level and laughs at me for just settling for mediocrity and just wanting to have fun. He's very well-versed in alot of subjects, and likes to act like he knows a little about everything, and has perfected all the crafts he's done. He says he was always the best guy at any job he worked before he became unemployed and lived with his relative. He believes he's always right about everything because his truths are fixed on the bible, even though hes changed his opinions before. Like I remember i was talking about a job i had in security and military, and he responds with things like "yeah i worked at the gas station and i had to do a bit of security" or "yeah dude, i spent my childhood and teens training to be a cia agent but god told me killing was bad so i didn't join". He says hes not domineering because he always does what other people want to do, but he still always has to talk himself up like he's toughest, most fearless warrior on the block and despite me being military, security background, and martial artist that works out near daily, He insist im a coward because i don't act macho or confident. Despite all this, Every once in a while he downplays himself and talks about how he fails god and insist that he is humble and narcisstic, and that im the narcissist because i talk too much and start defending myself if i criticized. He's always talking about how he's so done with this world and all our problems, tired of us, and just wants to be with god. He's often brings up things like i should submit to him and he's talking always talking about being a leader.
-He can be very resistant to confrontation and is very difficult to debate with. Not sure were to begin with this.....Arguing with him is like trying to siege a fortress, His voice is often so gruff and belligerent. He'll start speaking over you so you cant get a word in. He's very good at debating and analyzing things and he's constant tripping me up. He's so aggressive in his arguing, I can just never really find footing and knock him down. He's had so much practice arguing with teenagers on multiplayer games for nearly 2 decades. I'm usually a nice guy and it takes alot to genuinely anger me but I've snapped at him so many times for insulting me and whenever I try to defend myself from his attacks or explain myself to protect my ego, He starts calling me selfish and narcissistic, and in a way he's right because i should just be able to let things go. At first I just kind of took it in stride but after a while, it just became too much and I started snapping. One time he made me so angry because he was really trying to punk me off, I exploded and told him I was going to break him and started cursing at him and I was yelling so loud i woke up the neighbors. He blocked me then he started messaging me and begging and pleading me not do anything to him and said that I was more dangerous than he was, and that was sorry, it was pretty cowardly but i also wonder if he was just nobly following jesus instructions to make peace. I've been through alot but I've never wanted to physically harm someone more than this man. He says that if he stops talking to someone its probably because theyre damned and going to hell, which has seeded the idea in my mind that if we stop being friends then i might be an antichrist. He gets very irritated if you try to pick apart or continuously disagree with what he says. He always talks about love and how great his understanding of it, but he's so HATEFUL. I dont understand! He doesn't make peace. I also wonder if this is why he doesn't really hang around other christians probably because he doesnt want to get rebuked, Most of the people he seems to hangout with online are alot younger than him and he talks to them about christianity, and they have christian tendencies but he's always in a teaching position. Definitely not enough to rebuke him. He often says "Why is it always on me to change?" when confronted about changes he should make or when he offends people. One time he cried when I got angry at him and said that all he ever wants to do is hug me when he sees me but every time i try and talk to him he treats me like im some annoyance or burden. I don't get it. Another time, He tried to insult me while we were playing with our friend then I just started ignoring him and giving him no emotional response then he just immediately laughed then left and started ignoring my messages for days.
He makes me so inconceivably furious, All the things he's said to me have just built up over the years, I know I could definitely hurt him BAD given the right amount of time but i doubt he'd ever be able to face me, I truly think god protects him from me now so i'm supposed to submit to him in some way and endure his abuse because of something i must've done in the past and perhaps i myself need more humbling or perhaps i'm being mocked. Something hectic happened a few months ago, I had invited a christian friend of mine to the group who always very peaceful, warm, positive, and loving and even tried to befriend him but he just kept pushing him away because he was a "shallow" christian with little understanding. Well, One time while I wasn't around my peaceful friend came into the group to hangout and my racist friend started shouting the nword and was being aggressive to other players while he was gaming, and my peaceful friend started rebuking him and then my angry friend got angry and hostile and told him to go away, and that he'll say the n word as many times as he wants and that he calls me the n-word, and that he shouldn't be getting rebuked by him because theyre not even friends that my peaceful friend is a hypocrite because a bit of a troll himself. My peaceful friend came back in a few days later and then he tried to rebuke him again but my angry friend muted him, then unmuted him and listened to his rebuke then he just said screw it then left and my peaceful friend said that he could hear my angry friend sounding like he was about to cry right before he left. Now my angry friend has blocked my peaceful friend, and i asked him why he hasnt forgiven my peaceful friend but he says has, but just wont talk to him ever again.
Of course, You're probably still wondering why I'm still friends with this guy, Well part of it is pride and wrath, I keep feeling if I just back down and cut him out of my life then he wins because he seems to want that any way. I feel like i'm running away from him when i try to block him out of my life. My anger and rage towards him has become obsessive, no one in my life has every brought me to this point before. No one has. I'm constantly thinking about the arguments we've had and the things he's said to me. I don't hate him at all but I truly and deeply wish to hurt him. I train martial arts, I would train a year more to ensure utter complete dominance over him. He has tried so hard to break me and undermine my confidence and self esteem, in such insidious ways with his vulgar scornful tongue.
I barely ever insulted him, and if i do it's because he's thrown shade first. I've never been this furious with someone. I strongly believe god might have also put me in his path specifically so that I might beat him into submission and violently destroy his ego with my fist. Just the sheer audacity he has infuriates me and drives me wild. I've threatened him many times with visits. I'm not a violent person and am generally peaceful, docile, and timid but he considers that weakness and steps all over me until i snap at him then im suddenly considered a selfish demon. I want so bad to just see him break either physically or mentally, i cant just walk away.
Another reason, I'm friends is because I sincerely want peace between us. I want it to be like how when we first became friends he was so friendly, gentle, and such a good listener and kinda interesting to listen to. I thought I could finally open my heart to him. I finally felt like i had found my best friend. And i think maybe im the bad guy here and maybe I am. I talk alot. Im always anxious. Flighty ungrounded. Emotional. Take things too seriously. Too sensitive. Maybe its my fault and I'm the one that just needs to change? But again, The guy is like a fortress, I try to peel his layers but its like I can't get anywhere. Maybe he is the peaceful and he's doing it the biblical way and maybe I just dont understand. And some of things he does, Just doesn't make sense for a narcissist to do like He'll cry about trafficked children, people he loves, and things related to god, and a pure narcissist would never be Christian or acknowledge god's sovereignty. I just can't leave him. I can't. I feel like there's more to him than this and I just have to crack it like its a code.
Please patient with me I know this reads like a joke but im 100% serious, This is my life now.
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