Need Help grieved holy spirit

[Returning backslider]

Glad this was profitable Lynn. I like the way you put it we must hold tight to him

James 4:8. Draw night into God and He will draw nigh to you.

 

[Anthony2019]

This thread is a blessing. I’m like many trying to get back on the right track. To pick up the pieces of a mess I made because I didn’t hold tight to the Lord.

When we see others are going through similar issues, trails and so on, it makes the journey not so lonely and I know for me it helps to see I’m not the only one.

God is at work!

I believe that one of the best ways of reigniting our faith is to spend silence listening to God. Until recent months, my faith was not very strong at all, I had got distracted by a lot of things in my life. I knew that I had to be in a place of stillness so I could quieten myself to hear what God wanted to say to me. I spent some time in a friary in the North of England with Franciscan brothers, taking part in their daily office and spending a lot of time in silence. When I came home, I noticed big things started to change. My faith has since been a lot stronger, I feel my relationship with Christ has developed further.

 

[LynnSmith]

Glad this was profitable Lynn. I like the way you put it we must hold tight to him

James 4:8. Draw night into God and He will draw nigh to you.

We do need to hold tight. Too many things in this world make it way too easy to let that hold slip.

Keep on prayer. Keep in His Word. Hold tight.

 

[LynnSmith]

I believe that one of the best ways of reigniting our faith is to spend silence listening to God. Until recent months, my faith was not very strong at all, I had got distracted by a lot of things in my life. I knew that I had to be in a place of stillness so I could quieten myself to hear what God wanted to say to me. I spent some time in a friary in the North of England with Franciscan brothers, taking part in their daily office and spending a lot of time in silence. When I came home, I noticed big things started to change. My faith has since been a lot stronger, I feel my relationship with Christ has developed further.

That’s wonderful!!! Life has a lot of distractions. I’ve had to start locking myself in my room, just me and my Bible. No phone. No tv. No husband. No kids. No dog. Have to come to Him in the quite. If not life is way too noisy to ever hear Him.

 

[Anthony2019]

I remember in my more arrogant years, I went to one of the co-ordinators in church who was organising training for different ministries within the church. I was quite offended when she suggested I went for a "listening course". But now I smile, because I know she was right!

 

[LynnSmith]

I remember in my more arrogant years, I went to one of the co-ordinators in church who was organising training for different ministries within the church. I was quite offended when she suggested I went for a "listening course". But now I smile, because I know she was right!

Oh I’ve gotten angry when someone was trying to show me truth in the past of what I needed to do at that point. Funny how we don’t like it pointed out when we need correction of some kind lol

 

[Solid25]

Hi guys,

My name is Solomon and I can very much relate to Returning backslider. I have also been struggling with alot of backsliding and returning to sin over and over again. So much that it has confused me about where I stand with God. There has been constant anxiety and despair over my salvation over the past year or more. One would think that as much confusion , despair and torment I feel like I've been going through in my mind about these things it would deter me from sin but there are days I still return to it ( mostly pornography). Which lead to more despair and confusion. I frantically have searched the internet to an obsessively obscene amount to see if other have struggled with the same issues and have overcome the lies. I dually do this every time I fall. In other words when I give into sin I type in " willful sin, has God left me,C forums" to see stories about others - like you guys - who have been in a similar state ( i.e. born again, baptized, accepted Christ ) and have gone through despair, anxiety and confusion, abandonment and torment only to be restored and normal again. Problem is I do this every time I sin. I must have read this same forum a couple dozen times as well as other forums. And I still fall into sin. It makes me wonder, " does my willful sin,even though I knew better, mean God left me because I experience anxiety and confusion".

Any help would be great.

Also, I'm just curious of Anthony situation. Anthony, you mentioned that you relate to Returning backslider. Would you say you went through a period of deliberate willful sin after being saved experienced anxiety and feelings of insanity and separation from God and then were brought back?

Sorry for the long post. Really need help here. I got baptized when I was in my early 20's but I was on and off with my Christian walk for years. First 10 years ( into my 30s ) I felt I was ok but still struggled with many things that i felt guilty for but didn't feel I was diving headfirst into sin. Then there was a time after 12 yrs of being marijuana free that fell back into the lifestyle of smoking cigarettes and marijuana for months which always led to a "giving up" if you will and going back to porn, strip clubs etc... without hesitation but I always knew I was living in sin. Finally stopped and sought scriptures and hope again and repented. This lasted maybe a year ( sometime between maybe 35 and 36 ) then I returned to that same life again a second time. Marijuana again, cigarettes, stirpclubs and now seeking out prostitutes now became big in my life. It always had to do with being insecure and still wanting to fit in and be cool and get with as many girls as I could to relieve my insecurity etc...feelings of not being wanted enough etc always plagued me. But it never filled me.

So fast forward to maybe around 38. I gave it all up again and tried seeking God again but this time around I felt as if my faith had been badly shaken. Not sure if God would forgive me. And I became obsessively introspective. " Does my doubt mean I'm not forgiven?" " Does my continued willful sin mean I don't truly love God" ..

Then I started experience really strange feelings that I'm now still experiencing to this day ( and I'm not sinning on a daily basis but over the past 2 years there were still some really bad sins - one would think maybe I'm not really saved/Christian ). I still fall into porn alot, still sometimes drink even though I know I had addictions issues ( I don't get drunk but I go against a feeling I have that maybe it's not for me...but because I want to prove to God that I can have only one beer and be ok I've been doing it alot...all the while feeling like the sin is not having the one beer ( because I don't believe drinking is sin ) but that I'm going against the spirits prompting for me specifically because I was an addict. And over the past two years I did give into the prostitution a few times - not as bad as the last stretch. Meanwhile, I have confessed all sin to brothers in church but still keep falling in. I've read plenty of forums with these similar issues about not being unpardonable because if I was I wouldn't care. But sometime that makes me analyze " have I come to a point where I don't care now" this might be the ocd part. But it's been pure torture tryin to look into your brain to see if that's where ur heart is Everytime I sin.

All in all, all this sin and back and forth stuff has left me extremely in despair and confusion...the anxiety , confusion ,ocd, introspection as to whether or not I love God, or care anymore has led me to feel quite strange. To the point where I feel like " this is hell" a powerful confusion that I can't break free of but only experience a conscience torment to where I feel suicidal everyday and can't control the accusation, condemnation or confusion. I sometime feel I get condemnation that's coming from Satan confused with it as coming from God. And I'm actively aware of all the stuff I wrestle with in my head. Some days it got so bad that I felt like because I was experiencing accusation and condemnation from Satan...I hated it so much that it felt like I was hating God for the satanic attacks. This in turn made me feel like I was permanently gardens against God...whcih in turn made me analyze that feeling as a permanent condition of rage at God that couldn't be forgiven and therefore I am on help on Earth here and now. Sorry if all that is confusing you guys.

To not get off track, Anthony, is this experience something you can relate too? Or anyone?

Thanks you guys for listening.

Solomon

 

[Mari17]

Hi guys,

My name is Solomon and I can very much relate to Returning backslider. I have also been struggling with alot of backsliding and returning to sin over and over again. So much that it has confused me about where I stand with God. There has been constant anxiety and despair over my salvation over the past year or more. One would think that as much confusion , despair and torment I feel like I've been going through in my mind about these things it would deter me from sin but there are days I still return to it ( mostly pornography). Which lead to more despair and confusion. I frantically have searched the internet to an obsessively obscene amount to see if other have struggled with the same issues and have overcome the lies. I dually do this every time I fall. In other words when I give into sin I type in " willful sin, has God left me,C forums" to see stories about others - like you guys - who have been in a similar state ( i.e. born again, baptized, accepted Christ ) and have gone through despair, anxiety and confusion, abandonment and torment only to be restored and normal again. Problem is I do this every time I sin. I must have read this same forum a couple dozen times as well as other forums. And I still fall into sin. It makes me wonder, " does my willful sin,even though I knew better, mean God left me because I experience anxiety and confusion".

Any help would be great.

Also, I'm just curious of Anthony situation. Anthony, you mentioned that you relate to Returning backslider. Would you say you went through a period of deliberate willful sin after being saved experienced anxiety and feelings of insanity and separation from God and then were brought back?

Sorry for the long post. Really need help here. I got baptized when I was in my early 20's but I was on and off with my Christian walk for years. First 10 years ( into my 30s ) I felt I was ok but still struggled with many things that i felt guilty for but didn't feel I was diving headfirst into sin. Then there was a time after 12 yrs of being marijuana free that fell back into the lifestyle of smoking cigarettes and marijuana for months which always led to a "giving up" if you will and going back to porn, strip clubs etc... without hesitation but I always knew I was living in sin. Finally stopped and sought scriptures and hope again and repented. This lasted maybe a year ( sometime between maybe 35 and 36 ) then I returned to that same life again a second time. Marijuana again, cigarettes, stirpclubs and now seeking out prostitutes now became big in my life. It always had to do with being insecure and still wanting to fit in and be cool and get with as many girls as I could to relieve my insecurity etc...feelings of not being wanted enough etc always plagued me. But it never filled me.

So fast forward to maybe around 38. I gave it all up again and tried seeking God again but this time around I felt as if my faith had been badly shaken. Not sure if God would forgive me. And I became obsessively introspective. " Does my doubt mean I'm not forgiven?" " Does my continued willful sin mean I don't truly love God" ..

Then I started experience really strange feelings that I'm now still experiencing to this day ( and I'm not sinning on a daily basis but over the past 2 years there were still some really bad sins - one would think maybe I'm not really saved/Christian ). I still fall into porn alot, still sometimes drink even though I know I had addictions issues ( I don't get drunk but I go against a feeling I have that maybe it's not for me...but because I want to prove to God that I can have only one beer and be ok I've been doing it alot...all the while feeling like the sin is not having the one beer ( because I don't believe drinking is sin ) but that I'm going against the spirits prompting for me specifically because I was an addict. And over the past two years I did give into the prostitution a few times - not as bad as the last stretch. Meanwhile, I have confessed all sin to brothers in church but still keep falling in. I've read plenty of forums with these similar issues about not being unpardonable because if I was I wouldn't care. But sometime that makes me analyze " have I come to a point where I don't care now" this might be the ocd part. But it's been pure torture tryin to look into your brain to see if that's where ur heart is Everytime I sin.

All in all, all this sin and back and forth stuff has left me extremely in despair and confusion...the anxiety , confusion ,ocd, introspection as to whether or not I love God, or care anymore has led me to feel quite strange. To the point where I feel like " this is hell" a powerful confusion that I can't break free of but only experience a conscience torment to where I feel suicidal everyday and can't control the accusation, condemnation or confusion. I sometime feel I get condemnation that's coming from Satan confused with it as coming from God. And I'm actively aware of all the stuff I wrestle with in my head. Some days it got so bad that I felt like because I was experiencing accusation and condemnation from Satan...I hated it so much that it felt like I was hating God for the satanic attacks. This in turn made me feel like I was permanently gardens against God...whcih in turn made me analyze that feeling as a permanent condition of rage at God that couldn't be forgiven and therefore I am on help on Earth here and now. Sorry if all that is confusing you guys.

To not get off track, Anthony, is this experience something you can relate too? Or anyone?

Thanks you guys for listening.

Solomon

I don't really have the authority to speak to all of these matters, but I can give my advice about the OCD part. It sounds like you might need to differentiate between the OCD and the "real" issues. First, you admit that you do have sin issues that you need to work on, and that you have been working on. But you also have the OCD question that is trying to get you hung up on whether you have turned away too much, or are somehow unforgivable. Well - you can't find a cut-and-dry answer for that, because everyone has their own opinions. And in any case, even if someone could assure you that you're still OK, your OCD would likely not allow you to accept that anyway, because that's how OCD works. Reassurance is never enough, because OCD always comes up with another angle to convince you that your fear is true. So, the bottom line is that you have to ignore the obsessive fears and keep moving forward. You can search forever for 100% assurance that you're OK, but your OCD is not going to let you find it. You have to learn to rest in a "normal" amount of assurance, in, say, 95% instead of 100%. That means you have to stop doing what the OCD is asking you to do to relieve the anxiety - for example, compulsively researching - and just move forward with your life and following God. Because really, what other choice do you have? Your only choices are either follow God, or don't follow Him. So just keep following Him, no matter what accusations your mind throws at you, and trust that He will keep drawing you toward Himself and leading you out of sin. Remember that growth is a process, not instantaneous. Keep seeking God and drawing near to Him. He wants to transform you from the inside, not just externals. He wants to give you the DESIRE to do what's right, not just the self-control.