Need Help grieved holy spirit

[Returning backslider]

Hi,

I posted some background in my intro thread but as name suggests I am coming out of a period of backsliding. I grew up in the mainline church and when I was 19 I was convicted of sin by the Holy Spirit and was born again. I was a new creation in Jesus Christ and was on fire for about a year. Unfortunately I made a decision that went against my conscience and then fell back into sin. I was very depressed but there was still a Holy Spirit call for a while. However I didn’t heed it because I was fearing man more than God and was ashamed of the gospel (would have involved dropping out of school everyone would have called me crazy). Generally lost call of Spirit and fell deeper into sin (mostly pornography, also various idolatries).

I thought I would change after I graduated. After over a year out I still hadn’t regained that joyful “feeling” of being saved. I started going to a biblical church and confessed my sins. I meet with pastor regularly and have been to bible counseling. I am in Gods word desperately looking at His promises. I find comfort but Christ is still cold to me at times and I still have a coldness and emptiness that the natural man has (1 Corinthians 2:14). I still lack assurance that I belong to him and my sins are forgiven. It consumes me if I’m not at work I’m dealing with this in one way or another either reading the Bible or praying or reading books or commentaries. Counselor told me to change my thinking and preach the gospel to myself. I try but I am cold. I have to pretend I am giving it to someone else then I believe it with all my heart and I can quote the Bible.

Part of the reason I am on here is because I was reading earlier threads from 2009-2011 by a guy named RobertZ. Of all testimonies I’ve read of backsliders I identify the most with him. I often cry out how long I Lord. I read psalm 51 over and over but I still feel dirty and sinful. Does anybody know what became of this RobertZ. Did he ever find assurance? In school my greatest fear was that deep down I would never know the Lord again and it seems like it’s true and sometimes it seems like it’s too late. For a while I feared I was a Hebrews6/10 reprobate but I found comfort in Hebrews 12 (the chastening/discipline of God) but even now sometimes I think I quenched the chastening of God and I am just cold to Him. Any words of advice appreciated.

FYI I first confessed my sins in December the last 4-5 months have been a period of intense anguish and searching for God

Thanks

 

[Darren Brown]

Returning Backslider You are God's son. He loves you so much and there is nothing that can pluck you out of His hand (John 10:28-29). There is no sin that you can commit that loses your salvation. You have committed to your Lord, and He is committed to you. It's like your married. I would suggest to you to try to fall in love with God. Stop fixing your eyes on your sin and fix your eyes on Him. Its not about how many times you fall down its about you getting back up again ( proverbs 24:16). You've only lost the fight when you stop fighting. Love Jesus more each day and be in his presence as much as you can. Don't be with him because you feel obligated, but because you want to. Remember that he loves you, and that he loves spending time with you. I think that you may think that God is mad at you because you fall into sin. He's not. You eventually will get to a place of loving God so much that thought of doing something that will hurt him will hurt you more than the temporary pleasure that you get from the sin. Chains usually don't break immediately. Your story touches my heart. I am dealing with an addiction to porn, and the fight is far from over. I just completed a course called Living Waters for sexual addicts. If there is one in your area I highly suggest it. Other suggestions are getting rid of access to it. I gave my best friend my computer for a time period just to make sure I couldn't watch. I also suggest changing your name if you call yourself a backslider that is who you will become. You are a child of the King!!

 

[AdoptedPrince]

It's important to keep in mind that your salvation isn't based on your feelings. Life is a series of ups and downs. What you have to ask yourself is whether you believe Jesus died for your sins and whether that alone is what you are placing your faith in to be accepted by God. If so, and if your day to day life can't be characterized as one lived in active rebellion against Him, you are saved.

Have you ever read The Screwtape Letters by CS Lewis? It is a series of essays disguised as letters from a chief demon to a subordinate. The purpose is to both reveal things about ourselves as well as to show some ways in which the devil attempts to cause us to stumble. I have always found this section, which is related to your question, to be enlightening:

"As long as [the Christian] lives on earth periods of emotional and bodily richness and liveliness will alternate with periods of numbness and poverty. The dryness and dullness through which your patient is now going are not, as you fondly suppose, your workmanship; they are merely a natural phenomenon which will do us no good unless you make a good use of it.
To decide what the best use of it is, you must ask what use [God] wants to make of it, and then do the opposite. Now it may surprise you to learn that in His efforts to get permanent possession of a soul, He relies on the troughs even more than on the peaks; some of His special favourites have gone through longer and deeper troughs than anyone else. The reason is this. To us a human is primarily food; our aim is the absorption of its will into ours, the increase of our own area of selfhood at its expense. But the obedience which [God] demands of men is quite a different thing. One must face the fact that all the talk about His love for men, and His service being perfect freedom, is not (as [we] would gladly believe) mere propaganda, but an appalling truth. He really does want to fill the universe with a lot of loathsome little replicas of Himself-- creatures whose life, on its miniature scale, will be qualitatively like His own, not because he has absorbed them but because their wills freely conform to His. We want cattle who can finally become food; He wants servants who can finally become sons. We want to suck in, He wants to give out. We are empty and would be filled; He is full and flows over. Our war aim is a world in which [Satan] has drawn all other beings into himself: [God] wants a world full of beings united to Him but still distinct.
And that is where the troughs come in. You must have often wondered why [God] does not make more use of His power to be sensibly present to human souls in any degree He chooses and at any moment. But you now see that the Irresistible and the Indisputable are the two weapons which the very nature of His scheme forbids Him to use. Merely to override a human will (as His felt presence in any but the faintest and most mitigated degree would certainly do) would be for Him useless. He cannot ravish. He can only woo. For His ignoble idea is to eat the cake and have it; the creatures are to be one with Him, but yet themselves; merely to cancel them, or assimilate them, will not serve. He is prepared to do a little overriding at the beginning. He will set them off with communications of His presence which, though faint, seem great to them, with emotional sweetness, and easy conquest over temptation. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs-- to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that [the Christian] is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be. Hence the prayers offered in the state of dryness are those which please Him best. We can drag our patients along by continual tempting, because we design them only for the table, and the more their will is interfered with the better. He cannot 'tempt' to virtue as we do to vice. He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away His hand; and if only the will to walk is really there He is pleased even with their stumbles. Do not be deceived, Wormwood. Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our Enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of Him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys."

 

[Anthony2019]

The Lord who knit us together in our mother's womb, who saw us growing there in secret, knows every single detail about our lives.

He has searched us and knows us, knows our going out and lying down.

He knows all of our weaknesses. He knows that we need His help day by day.

The Psalmist stated "For He knows our frame. He remembers that we are dust".

Jesus never sinned, but he is able to relate to our struggles and sufferings. Hebrews 4:15 states that "our High Priest understands every weakness that we have, because He was tempted in every way that we are, but he did not sin."

Christians make mistakes. Some of us have stumbled from the path that God has set out for us. We are not perfect. God realises that we are not perfect! Let's look at a couple of examples where God's people had failed him and were later restored:-

Peter denied Jesus three times but was still loved by Him and continued to serve Him in ministry.

In 1 Corinthians 5:1-13 Paul spoke about a case of a believer who had fallen into a state of grave sexual sin and stated that the incestuous person be removed from fellowship. However, in 2 Corinthians 2:5 Paul encouraged forgiveness and restoration of the offender: "you should forgive him and encourage him in order to keep him from becoming so sad as to give up completely."

The passages you mentioned in Hebrew I believe are referring to apostasy, where a person who has become a Christian, who has totally rejected their faith or who has embarked on a continuous course of wilful sin without the desire to repent. I do not believe it is referring to a Christian who through temptation falls into a state of sin and then later repents. The work of the Holy Spirit is always evident in a person who recognises their sin and comes to Christ for forgiveness. The person who has committed the sin against the Holy Ghost will never feel convicted of sin or have the desire to come to Christ for forgiveness - that is what Jesus referred to as the 'eternal sin'.

You can be absolutely assured that whenever you ask the Lord for his forgiveness, it will be given to you in abundant measure. Peter asked the Lord "how many times should I forgive my brother - seven times?". Jesus replied "seventy times seven times", in other words Jesus offers you forgiveness without limits. You do not have to do anything to earn it but to turn from your sin and simply to put your faith and trust in Him.

 

[Returning backslider]

Wow thank you gentlemen so much for taking the time to give me these thoughtful responses.

Darren I'm glad you can relate. To me I always go back to Jesus' commandment to cut off your right hand. Confession to a brother helped me a lot too (James 5). For the longest time, I thought, "I want to quit this, but I don't feel the Holy Spirit power to resist." I learned I just had to obey Christ's command. I confessed it to someone which was a weight off my shoulders. Since November, I had been cold turkey on porn. I slipped the other day and it killed me. I agree with you, we shouldn't want to sin because the thought of grieving our father kills us. And that is where I am. I am terrified to sin because I am terrified of grieving the Holy Spirit. I want to get back to the place where I am viscerally reviled at sin. Embracing what John Piper calls a "superior pleasure." i.e., not sinning because we have something so much better in a sanctified godly life. Something I try to do is imagine God's sanctified alternative to Satan's counterfeit use of sex (in this case porn). I believe its in Philippians Paul says to think on things that are good, just, of good report, etc. Think on those things. All I ever wanted was to marry a Christian girl and have a brood of kids and a happy family that loves Jesus. Think on these things brother. I pray that the Holy Spirit gives us the power to realize the things of God's will in our lives.

Adopted Prince. Thank you. I will check out that work by Lewis. My minister has advised me similar things on the issue of spiritual dryness. I believe I once read Allistair Begg say something like more spiritual progress is made through tears and grief than joy. I try to count it a privilege to have my faith tested so that I come out on the other side unshakeable for the glory of God. I am reading Grace Abounding by Bunyan that is a comfort.

Anthony thanks again for your gracious response. I love the 70x7 verse from the gospels. I think I mentioned, when I am home alone I try to preach the gospel to myself. it feels cold so I have to pretend I am giving it to somebody else. When I do this "ghost preaching" I always go back to this verse. (btw this is what makes me think I might have OCD. there are these wonderful biblical truths but its like there's something in my mind blocking the beauty of God's grace.)

Again thanks so much all. I have limited time at the moment. I'll try to add more thoughts later

God bless you all.

 

[Returning backslider]

Returning Backslider You are God's son. He loves you so much and there is nothing that can pluck you out of His hand (John 10:28-29). There is no sin that you can commit that loses your salvation. You have committed to your Lord, and He is committed to you. It's like your married. I would suggest to you to try to fall in love with God. Stop fixing your eyes on your sin and fix your eyes on Him. Its not about how many times you fall down its about you getting back up again ( proverbs 24:16). You've only lost the fight when you stop fighting. Love Jesus more each day and be in his presence as much as you can. Don't be with him because you feel obligated, but because you want to. Remember that he loves you, and that he loves spending time with you. I think that you may think that God is mad at you because you fall into sin. He's not. You eventually will get to a place of loving God so much that thought of doing something that will hurt him will hurt you more than the temporary pleasure that you get from the sin. Chains usually don't break immediately. Your story touches my heart. I am dealing with an addiction to porn, and the fight is far from over. I just completed a course called Living Waters for sexual addicts. If there is one in your area I highly suggest it. Other suggestions are getting rid of access to it. I gave my best friend my computer for a time period just to make sure I couldn't watch. I also suggest changing your name if you call yourself a backslider that is who you will become. You are a child of the King!!

Two questions: is it possible to change my username and how do I send a message to someone?

 

[Darren Brown]

This is from Christian forums FAQ page. Don't know how to send someone a message.

How do I change my username?
Open up a Ticket in Contact Us where an admin can change your username. Please give them your top 3 choices of name changes in the event your first username is not available.

Praying for you today that you would focus on God's promises for you and his truth. Some verses that came to mind were Isaiah 32:16-20
16 Justice will rule in the wilderness
and righteousness in the fertile field.
17 And this righteousness will bring peace.
Yes, it will bring quietness and confidence forever.
18 My people will live in safety, quietly at home.
They will be at rest.
19 Even if the forest should be destroyed
and the city torn down,
20 the Lord will greatly bless his people.
Wherever they plant seed, bountiful crops will spring up.
Their cattle and donkeys will graze freely.
The part that really came to mind was about God's righteousness bringing us peace and that we can have confidence in that. Walk in the confidence of what God's done for you. It's not what we do that makes us righteous, but we have peace in what he has done for us. Just rest in that peace my brother. Walk confidently and rest peacefully. I know something that I've learned is to walk in my identity that is found only in Christ. For the longest time I didn't know what my name meant then in October (just before I started living waters) I found out that it meant gift from God. The first session of living waters something that was said was that we are good gifts from God. I felt that was confirmation and I am embracing it.

 

[Darren Brown]

This is from Christian forums FAQ page. Don't know how to send someone a message.

How do I change my username?
Open up a Ticket in Contact Us where an admin can change your username. Please give them your top 3 choices of name changes in the event your first username is not available.

Praying for you today that you would focus on God's promises for you and his truth. Some verses that came to mind were Isaiah 32:16-20
16 Justice will rule in the wilderness
and righteousness in the fertile field.
17 And this righteousness will bring peace.
Yes, it will bring quietness and confidence forever.
18 My people will live in safety, quietly at home.
They will be at rest.
19 Even if the forest should be destroyed
and the city torn down,
20 the Lord will greatly bless his people.
Wherever they plant seed, bountiful crops will spring up.
Their cattle and donkeys will graze freely.
The part that really came to mind was about God's righteousness bringing us peace and that we can have confidence in that. Walk in the confidence of what God's done for you. It's not what we do that makes us righteous, but we have peace in what he has done for us. Just rest in that peace my brother. Walk confidently and rest peacefully. I know something that I've learned is to walk in my identity that is found only in Christ. For the longest time I didn't know what my name meant then in October (just before I started living waters) I found out that it meant gift from God. The first session of living waters something that was said was that we are good gifts from God. I felt that was confirmation and I am embracing it.

 

[Darren Brown]

really didn't mean to post it twice but I

 

[Darren Brown]

hope this helps

 

[Returning backslider]

Thanks a lot Darren. That verse is wonderful. It sums up perfectly what my soul so desperately craves. Rest in Christ. Safety, quiet, home. Oh just the thought of it is so sweet please Lord change my heart I can’t take another day of not knowing if I belong to you.

Did you ever struggle with thoughts of the unoardonable sin?

They are plaguing me still. I’m going through John Bunyan levels of anguish at times. Lord God please help me I’m a wretched depraved sinner you’re my only hope

Thank you for your prayers from the bottom of my heart Darren. Looks like you’re from Western NY if I’m ever in Niagara falls I’ll have to look you up

 

[Mari17]

Thanks a lot Darren. That verse is wonderful. It sums up perfectly what my soul so desperately craves. Rest in Christ. Safety, quiet, home. Oh just the thought of it is so sweet please Lord change my heart I can’t take another day of not knowing if I belong to you.

Did you ever struggle with thoughts of the unoardonable sin?

They are plaguing me still. I’m going through John Bunyan levels of anguish at times. Lord God please help me I’m a wretched depraved sinner you’re my only hope

Thank you for your prayers from the bottom of my heart Darren. Looks like you’re from Western NY if I’m ever in Niagara falls I’ll have to look you up

John Bunyan is thought to have had OCD/scrupulosity, so reading his work might be especially helpful if you do have OCD. Also, it's true that many people with OCD worry about committing the unpardonable sin, and worry that lack of desire for God means that they're not saved. If you feel the need for more peer support, feel free to join the Facebook group "Christianity and Anxiety Disorders." A lot of people on there have OCD, especially with religious themes.

 

[Returning backslider]

Thank you for the post.

I’m reading Grace Abounding right now. I certainly am identifying with it. Almost tit for tat in terms of the detail.

I’ll check out the Facebook group. I deactivated mine years ago but I’m sure I could get back on.

God bless you.

 

[Anthony2019]

I went through a situation years ago where I felt abandoned by God. I was going through a difficult time in my life and felt as if I had failed God by making the wrong decisions. I certainly was not living an exemplary Christian life and when I tried to turn things around, I wondered why I kept struggling.

I then learned something I had never really grasped before, that is the love of the Lord is unceasing because "God is Love" (1 John 4:16). He has loved us with an everlasting love and drawn us with unfailing kindness (Jeremiah 31:3). The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end (Lamentations 3:22-23). We are adopted into His family and can call him "Abba", an intimate expression of knowing God as our Father.

One of my favourite Christian texts is a quotation by Henri Nouwen from one of his books. My favourite artwork is Rembrandt's Prodigal Son because it perfectly encapsulates the love of the Father towards the prodigal son. I have shared it before and continue to share it with others. The reason for this is because years ago I had formed ideas in my own mind of what my relationship with God was like. I held the belief that God could only truly accept me if I became a different person. I thought that if something changed in my life, then God might love me better and I might feel closer to Him. I never really took time to think what God might have actually thought of me! After reading this text, I learned to put my old ideas aside and I started to see for the first time the way God views his relationship with us. I hope it will inspire and encourage you to know that your Father in heaven definitely wants to embrace you again and you can reach out to him in trust and faith knowing that you will never be rejected by Him and that however far you have fallen, you will always be picked up and brought back into his arms.

It is a very sentimental text and deliberately so. What Nouwen is illustrating is that the Lord has very strong feelings of affection towards us and when we accept this deep within our hearts, it is both healing and liberating.

 

[Darren Brown]

Yes man if you are ever in the area look me up! I think that I used to worry about committing the unpardonable sin. I heard in a sermon once if you worry that you've committed the unpardonable sin you haven't. The Holy Spirit lives in you and you are sensitive to him. Rest assured you haven't committed the unpardonable sin.

 

[Returning backslider]

Anthony: “The reason for this is because years ago I had formed ideas in my own mind of what my relationship with God was like. I held the belief that God could only truly accept me if I became a different person. I thought that if something changed in my life, then God might love me better and I might feel closer to Him.”

“reach out to him in trust and faith knowing that you will never be rejected by Him and that however far you have fallen, you will always be picked up and brought back into his arms.”

Thanks this is definitely how I think. My thinking is clouded from sin and backsliding. I have this cycle where the despair of unpardonable sin fears come back. When these take hold I despair totally and stay out of his word and prayer. It’s like I forgot who God is. When I sinned I would wish God wasn’t watching g well I think that He gives us what we want for a time. Hebrews 12 brings me comfort because I realize it’s God disciplining me so that I get back in my knees and into the Word. It just gets hard with blind hope and faith but what Adoptrd Prince posted is quite true. He uses these times to mold us. Sometimes I lose sight of that and fall into a despair that is so miserable but I must remember that that is the fruit of sin. Nobody was ever saved through self-pity. Appreciate the prayers. The accusation of unpardonable sin is horrifying but I also see how God uses it so that I never take his unconditional love for granted again.

I miss fellowship with Him so much Lord I know you forgive 70 times 7 put my sin as far as east is from west deliver from the despair of satans accusations. Please Lord I fell restore me like in Hosea 14.

I’m in the edge of madness but I jnow it’s a heart issue caused by sin can only be cured by the Great Physician soften my heart please father

Thanks all God bless. By Gods grace someday I will be restored and be a helpful fruitful Christian who helps other brothers, not wallowing in misery.

Two verses from James 5 that apply to you gentlemen.

16 The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.

20 Let him know, that he which converteth the sinner from the error of his way shall save a soul from death, and shall hide a multitude of sins.

 

[Anthony2019]

You can be sure that if you had committed the unpardonable sin, you would have absolutely no desire to come to Christ and seek his forgiveness. A person in that state becomes irreversibly impenitent and would have no concern in the world of the gravity of their sin. That most certainly does not sound like you.

You actually come across as someone who is completely the opposite: you are a very humble person who is very aware of their need for forgiveness, someone who is extremely contrite and sensitive. From what I understand from the scriptures, you have precisely the kind of heart the Lord delights in.

 

[Returning backslider]

Thank you dear brother your compassion is great. God is obviously still working in merry old England. Much thanks from across the pond

 

[Anthony2019]

Oh yes He's still working over here. For starters, He has been repairing the mess I made with my own Christian life over the past 10-15 years. If He can do it for me, then He can certainly do it for you.

 

[LynnSmith]

This thread is a blessing. I’m like many trying to get back on the right track. To pick up the pieces of a mess I made because I didn’t hold tight to the Lord.

When we see others are going through similar issues, trails and so on, it makes the journey not so lonely and I know for me it helps to see I’m not the only one.

God is at work!