Horrible scrupulosity

[jlondon33]

Hey folks. I was hoping I could get some help. I've struggled with scrupulosity/religious ocd for a while. Anytime I would have a horrible thought, whatever I was doing at the time(taking out trash, walking somewhere, etc), I would go back and "re" take out the trash or "re" walk where I walked and do it with a "better' thought. I got so tired of doing compulsions that I made a "deal" with the Lord "if i do these compulsions anymore, you can take the life of this family member or take the life of this pet", etc. And then I took a to a dangerous level and I'm so scared. Now, before I say this let me make it plain I am a born again Christian and I ONLY pray to the Lord and I revere the Lord as my Savior. But this is where I'm scared and took it too far. I also, aimed this prayer at the "enemy"(I don't wanna say it, Y'all can imagine who I'm referring to) Now I didn't directly address him, but in my mind I was aiming it at him too not that I revere him but I fear him and thought that would MAKE me stop doing compulsions. Now, getting back to the actual compulsions. After telling the Lord and the enemy that they could take these lives from me if I did the compulsion, of course naturally it backfired because I still did the compulsions. I even one time said(in my mind only) yet sadly on purpose to "go ahead and do it" talking about taking these lives. I have since asked the Lord to forgive me, repented, and asked the Lord to NOT ALLOW the enemy to have the power to do this but I'm still scared I may lose a family member or pet because of these stupid agreements. I know the enemy can't do anything without God's permisssion. I'm just scared God might allow it due to my stupidity. Please help

 

[Unqualified]

God is not in the habit of killing people. He will have mercy and not do it because I hope he knows you. Those thoughts and compulsions are your flesh. Sin lives in you’. More pronounced than in most people. They are not you if you are in the spirit. Just take them captive as in 2Cor 10:3-5 . Don’t act on them. I know it’s scary but isa 41:10 .

 

[Mari17]

Hey folks. I was hoping I could get some help. I've struggled with scrupulosity/religious ocd for a while. Anytime I would have a horrible thought, whatever I was doing at the time(taking out trash, walking somewhere, etc), I would go back and "re" take out the trash or "re" walk where I walked and do it with a "better' thought. I got so tired of doing compulsions that I made a "deal" with the Lord "if i do these compulsions anymore, you can take the life of this family member or take the life of this pet", etc. And then I took a to a dangerous level and I'm so scared. Now, before I say this let me make it plain I am a born again Christian and I ONLY pray to the Lord and I revere the Lord as my Savior. But this is where I'm scared and took it too far. I also, aimed this prayer at the "enemy"(I don't wanna say it, Y'all can imagine who I'm referring to) Now I didn't directly address him, but in my mind I was aiming it at him too not that I revere him but I fear him and thought that would MAKE me stop doing compulsions. Now, getting back to the actual compulsions. After telling the Lord and the enemy that they could take these lives from me if I did the compulsion, of course naturally it backfired because I still did the compulsions. I even one time said(in my mind only) yet sadly on purpose to "go ahead and do it" talking about taking these lives. I have since asked the Lord to forgive me, repented, and asked the Lord to NOT ALLOW the enemy to have the power to do this but I'm still scared I may lose a family member or pet because of these stupid agreements. I know the enemy can't do anything without God's permisssion. I'm just scared God might allow it due to my stupidity. Please help

Scrupulosity is so difficult to deal with! Have you been able to get any treatment for it? Or been able to learn strategies for treating it yourself?

 

[jlondon33]

I have tried several things, just can’t completely get past it. If I just KNEW the enemy would not do these things I’d be much more at peace

 

[Mari17]

I have tried several things, just can’t completely get past it. If I just KNEW the enemy would not do these things I’d be much more at peace

It sounds like you've done all you can do, because you have repented and asked God not to let those things happen. I'm not convinced that those prayers actually meant anything in the first place (I mean, I'm not sure that God would actually follow through on such a prayer). I think God is more powerful than the things we do in our minds, and He is able to protect us and others even when we mess up (I'm not saying He always does, but I certainly believe He can). I believe He also understands and has grace for things that we do because of mental illness.

Speaking of which, I do HIGHLY recommend that you look into treatment for your OCD. OCD is a highly treatable disorder. ERP (exposure and response prevention) is considered to be one of the most effective treatments for OCD. You can find therapists who are trained in ERP, and you can also learn about it and learn to apply it on your own. For religious OCD/scrupulosity in particular, I recommend the following websites:
Scrupulosity.com: Faith-based Solutions for Religious OCD - Scrupulosity.com
OCD and Scrupulosity Archives - ACCFS
OCD & CHRISTIANITY – CHRISTIANITY
Christianity and Anxiety Disorders - Let's Talk | Facebook (Private Facebook support group for Christians with mental health disorders. A lot of compassionate and knowledgeable people in this group.)

 

[frank1234]

I suffer from the same issues. But you have to understand that this is typical "trying to stop your compulsions with fear" tactic. I do the same things. It starts with. "if...", and goes on from there. You are trying to stop your compulsions. The problem is that this does not stop the compulsions. Therefore when you end up doing the compulsions, now you have guilt that you have said them.
You have to understand that those kind of prayers and not real prayers. They are "reluctant" prayers. Meaning that they are not from faith. They are fear based. So God, first of all, is not going to act upon them, second, He understand that you are dealing with this illness. So now try to find treatments and talking to people to help you with how to "really" stop the compulsions. Easier said than done, because I am dealing with the same things. God bless you.

 

[jlondon33]

I suffer from the same issues. But you have to understand that this is typical "trying to stop your compulsions with fear" tactic. I do the same things. It starts with. "if...", and goes on from there. You are trying to stop your compulsions. The problem is that this does not stop the compulsions. Therefore when you end up doing the compulsions, now you have guilt that you have said them.
You have to understand that those kind of prayers and not real prayers. They are "reluctant" prayers. Meaning that they are not from faith. They are fear based. So God, first of all, is not going to act upon them, second, He understand that you are dealing with this illness. So now try to find treatments and talking to people to help you with how to "really" stop the compulsions. Easier said than done, because I am dealing with the same things. God bless you.

Very helpful. And thank you. What do you do? Just let the thought pass and carry on with your day?

 

[jlondon33]

It sounds like you've done all you can do, because you have repented and asked God not to let those things happen. I'm not convinced that those prayers actually meant anything in the first place (I mean, I'm not sure that God would actually follow through on such a prayer). I think God is more powerful than the things we do in our minds, and He is able to protect us and others even when we mess up (I'm not saying He always does, but I certainly believe He can). I believe He also understands and has grace for things that we do because of mental illness.

Speaking of which, I do HIGHLY recommend that you look into treatment for your OCD. OCD is a highly treatable disorder. ERP (exposure and response prevention) is considered to be one of the most effective treatments for OCD. You can find therapists who are trained in ERP, and you can also learn about it and learn to apply it on your own. For religious OCD/scrupulosity in particular, I recommend the following websites:
Scrupulosity.com: Faith-based Solutions for Religious OCD - Scrupulosity.com
OCD and Scrupulosity Archives - ACCFS
OCD & CHRISTIANITY – CHRISTIANITY
Christianity and Anxiety Disorders - Let's Talk | Facebook (Private Facebook support group for Christians with mental health disorders. A lot of compassionate and knowledgeable people in this group.)

I’ve been exploring this. Thank you.

 

[frank1234]

Honestly, so far i am stuck, but when i say those compulsive prayers, i repent of them(ritualisticlly)(knowing that they werent prayers of faith to begin with). (I am aware that even my repentance is not by faith, because God is not going to respond to them anyway.) But i say it anyway because of fear. By the way my prayers are in a form of vow, (i make a vow on to the Lord if i do this again, such and such things happen.....). The whole thing is a mess, and i am stuck, but i keep hoping and praying for freedom and not give up.

 

[subtlecollision]

As someone who has struggled a lot with OCD and specifically religious OCD, I can definitely tell that what you are worrying about is just a bunch of neurotic thoughts that are meaningless.

You can just feel free to let it all go. God isn't going to take your family member or pet because of some weird neurotic OCD thinking.

Stay busy, distract yourself. Move on from this. Pray and get therapy.

I know this seems scary, but what if you could just believe, even if for a moment, that none of this is real?

Because it isn't.

 

[jlondon33]

As someone who has struggled a lot with OCD and specifically religious OCD, I can definitely tell that what you are worrying about is just a bunch of neurotic thoughts that are meaningless.

You can just feel free to let it all go. God isn't going to take your family member or pet because of some weird neurotic OCD thinking.

Stay busy, distract yourself. Move on from this. Pray and get therapy.

I know this seems scary, but what if you could just believe, even if for a moment, that none of this is real?

Because it isn't.

T

 

[jlondon33]

Subtle collison, thank you so much for this. It really helps. I’ve been trying to move on when the thoughts approach and I felt ok knowing I couldn’t help it. Now I find myself saying these things in my head on purpose. I guess because I’m tired of fighting it. So now I get scared Hod is gonna allow these things to happen since I did it on purpose. Ugh

 

[Mari17]

Honestly, so far i am stuck, but when i say those compulsive prayers, i repent of them(ritualisticlly)(knowing that they werent prayers of faith to begin with). (I am aware that even my repentance is not by faith, because God is not going to respond to them anyway.) But i say it anyway because of fear. By the way my prayers are in a form of vow, (i make a vow on to the Lord if i do this again, such and such things happen.....). The whole thing is a mess, and i am stuck, but i keep hoping and praying for freedom and not give up.

One of the keys to getting out of the OCD cycle is to start stepping away from compulsions - although I know how hard that is! What are some ways that you could avoid doing compulsions, even a little bit? Some tricks that can be helpful include delaying a compulsion (making yourself wait even a little while before doing it) or limiting yourself gradually so that over time you spend less and less time doing compulsions. What do you think are some things that might work for you?

 

[subtlecollision]

Subtle collison, thank you so much for this. It really helps. I’ve been trying to move on when the thoughts approach and I felt ok knowing I couldn’t help it. Now I find myself saying these things in my head on purpose. I guess because I’m tired of fighting it. So now I get scared Hod is gonna allow these things to happen since I did it on purpose. Ugh

No problem! And it doesn't matter if you say them "on purpose" or not. That's a trick of OCD to make you feel like you're purposefully doing bad things. God isn't going to respond to neurotic thoughts. If something hypothetically horrible were to happen to your family members, it wouldn't be because of this.

 

[frank1234]

One of the keys to getting out of the OCD cycle is to start stepping away from compulsions - although I know how hard that is! What are some ways that you could avoid doing compulsions, even a little bit? Some tricks that can be helpful include delaying a compulsion (making yourself wait even a little while before doing it) or limiting yourself gradually so that over time you spend less and less time doing compulsions. What do you think are some things that might work for you?

I did(for one day) few days ago started doing that on one of my triggers. It was very uncomfortable, and honestly i didn't know how long i could prolong it, until the time for that trigger was over(about 15 minutes), otherwise i don't know how long i could have sustained it. At least i tried, and i know i will try again.

 

[Mari17]

Subtle collison, thank you so much for this. It really helps. I’ve been trying to move on when the thoughts approach and I felt ok knowing I couldn’t help it. Now I find myself saying these things in my head on purpose. I guess because I’m tired of fighting it. So now I get scared Hod is gonna allow these things to happen since I did it on purpose. Ugh

This feeling of doing things "on purpose" is also common with OCD. The same strategy applies - ignore it, and move on! Sometimes, when dealing with disturbing intrusive thoughts, it has helped me to ask forgiveness for them a limited number of times - say, once a day - and then practice ignoring them the rest of the time. However, asking forgiveness for intrusive thoughts/feelings is probably also still a compulsion, since those thoughts and feelings are intrusive and do not reflect our true selves (even though sometimes it feels like they do!). So we have to be careful not to let asking forgiveness turn into a compulsion. It can perhaps be seen as a stepping stone to learning to ignore the thoughts totally. The key is really to give as little attention to those thoughts and feelings as possible.

 

[Frank Robert]

Hey folks. I was hoping I could get some help. I've struggled with scrupulosity/religious ocd for a while. Anytime I would have a horrible thought, whatever I was doing at the time(taking out trash, walking somewhere, etc), I would go back and "re" take out the trash or "re" walk where I walked and do it with a "better' thought. I got so tired of doing compulsions that I made a "deal" with the Lord "if i do these compulsions anymore, you can take the life of this family member or take the life of this pet", etc. And then I took a to a dangerous level and I'm so scared. Now, before I say this let me make it plain I am a born again Christian and I ONLY pray to the Lord and I revere the Lord as my Savior. But this is where I'm scared and took it too far. I also, aimed this prayer at the "enemy"(I don't wanna say it, Y'all can imagine who I'm referring to) Now I didn't directly address him, but in my mind I was aiming it at him too not that I revere him but I fear him and thought that would MAKE me stop doing compulsions. Now, getting back to the actual compulsions. After telling the Lord and the enemy that they could take these lives from me if I did the compulsion, of course naturally it backfired because I still did the compulsions. I even one time said(in my mind only) yet sadly on purpose to "go ahead and do it" talking about taking these lives. I have since asked the Lord to forgive me, repented, and asked the Lord to NOT ALLOW the enemy to have the power to do this but I'm still scared I may lose a family member or pet because of these stupid agreements. I know the enemy can't do anything without God's permisssion. I'm just scared God might allow it due to my stupidity. Please help

There are several AI therapy aids that you can download. Most of them are based on cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) which is considered the therapy of choice for OCD. I have recommended Woebot, which is free, for several people who have found it helpful. From their website:

Meet Woebot, your personal mental health ally that helps you get back to feeling like yourself. Grounded in science and powered by natural language processing, Woebot is easy to talk to and fits right into your life, whenever you want to chat. There’s no such thing as appointments or waiting rooms here.​

I like that they are whenever you want to chat.

You might like to check out this site also : Understanding CBT for OCD

 

[abanks125]

Hey folks. I was hoping I could get some help. I've struggled with scrupulosity/religious ocd for a while. Anytime I would have a horrible thought, whatever I was doing at the time(taking out trash, walking somewhere, etc), I would go back and "re" take out the trash or "re" walk where I walked and do it with a "better' thought. I got so tired of doing compulsions that I made a "deal" with the Lord "if i do these compulsions anymore, you can take the life of this family member or take the life of this pet", etc. And then I took a to a dangerous level and I'm so scared. Now, before I say this let me make it plain I am a born again Christian and I ONLY pray to the Lord and I revere the Lord as my Savior. But this is where I'm scared and took it too far. I also, aimed this prayer at the "enemy"(I don't wanna say it, Y'all can imagine who I'm referring to) Now I didn't directly address him, but in my mind I was aiming it at him too not that I revere him but I fear him and thought that would MAKE me stop doing compulsions. Now, getting back to the actual compulsions. After telling the Lord and the enemy that they could take these lives from me if I did the compulsion, of course naturally it backfired because I still did the compulsions. I even one time said(in my mind only) yet sadly on purpose to "go ahead and do it" talking about taking these lives. I have since asked the Lord to forgive me, repented, and asked the Lord to NOT ALLOW the enemy to have the power to do this but I'm still scared I may lose a family member or pet because of these stupid agreements. I know the enemy can't do anything without God's permisssion. I'm just scared God might allow it due to my stupidity. Please help

Your problem is not spiritual. It's manifesting in your spiritual life, but it's mental health you need to seek. Trust me. I know. I have dealt with very similar thoughts and feelings. I am currently seeking mental health care for my anxiety and OCD behaviors. Ask God for guidance on how best to seek medical care for your medical condition. And don't forget, like I do all the time, Jesus is your Savior. Not the law. Not our performance. Not our sinfulness or unsinfulness. You are saved by Grace through Faith. Of course we called to be obedient, but the whole purpose of Christ was to take on the punishment that we deserve because He expects more failure from us than we do. You are a sinner, but you are a redeemed sinner. It is finished.