Bitter Resentment Over Husbands Vasectomy

[BrittanyB]

I need some help here, from other Christians, ones who are not my family, since none of them understand, so I joined this group.

My husband and I were married 7 years ago. I had a 3 year old from a previous relationship. After a year and a half of marriage we had our baby girl, and a year and a half later our baby boy. My labor with him was rough, he had shoulder dystocia (got stuck) yet labor moved too quickly to get any pain meds, also he was 9.3oz. so it's no surprise that the very next moment after I pushed him out, out of my mind with pain, I said to my husband "I am never doing this again, you can get a vascetomy!!"
He made the appt. a couple weeks later! I told him I changed my mind, but he thought I was just being fickle. He then convinced me to let him, and three kids is enough,no room for more,etc.
I took him to the appt. and tried to change his mind the whole time. He wouldn't budge, I had a terrible feeling inside, like a crying sob in my belly.
I really struggled with it, but soon the demands of babies and toddlers took it off my mind mostly.
I still had hopes once in a while that the procedure didn't "take" and felt sadness when my period started each month.
Fast forward 3 years later. My kids are so precious, so loved, so adored, so adorable. I would love nothing more than to have another child.
It's time. My body says it's time. My heart says it's time.
Every baby I see, my uterus aches. When I see pregnant women it's a mix of awe and jealousy.
I feel such regret he got it done, such deep regret. I feel like we messed with God's plan.
Also, after he had it done and I knew he was "shooting blanks" I felt my attraction go down a little. I felt he was "gelded" and not as manly, but then I felt bad, and tried to ignore it.
Not now. I can't even help it. I swear he isn't the same. He seems so much less masculine to me. His erections are softer and don't stay hard as easy. His libido is decreased. He has almost taken on a "feminine air" to me! Because I know he can't reproduce!!
I've always been in touch with my cycles and I know when I'm ovulating. My drive goes up and do you think I want to get with my husband? Um, no, those goods are no good, and my body KNOWS it!
I am so guilty of the fact, but I lust after other men. Men who have just had babies and I know they're fertile. Almost every random man I see I fantasize if he'd be a good Father.

My husband jokes about it sometimes but he has no idea how it makes feel. He actually jokes "Hey, I can't get you pregnant, but we can have fun trying!!" Not funny. Incredibly painful actually.
I find myself thinking "whats the point of doing it with you??"

So I decided I would bring it up, the reversal. I made 10 phone calls and was on the phone for a total of hours getting numbers, info. pamphlets.
It would cost $9,200 but I checked with my bank and we could get a loan for that and pay it off over 5 years. We could do that!
I very excitedly gathered the info. and told my hubby.
He shot it down, hard. He said "I am never getting this reversed, and the only way it will happen is a miracle!"

He was mad I even brought it up.
So where does that leave me?? A woman in her prime, with her natural instinct coming through and I basically have a EUNUCH for a husband?

Oh and when people say "Be happy with the 3 children you were blessed with" Don't tell me that. I know that, in fact I am so happy with them, that's why I want another to love and watch grow up and adore.
"quiverfull" is in the Bible. That's what I want. We had no business messing with God's plan for children in our lives.

Now I have been having "phantom pregnancies" all the symptoms, and I think "maybe the vasectomy grew back!?"
And then I get my period and I am crushed. Heartbroken. I'm gonna have to go through this for 15 more years?!

I'm feeling so angry about it I'm ready to tell him I am losing any desire to touch him.
Oh! And one night I was confiding in him about how I've been having pregnancy symptoms, but they're psychological and you know what he said "My weiner's psychological.hahaha"
Yeah.


MEN OUT THERE:

DO NOT GET A VASECTOMY. Your wife will lose desire for you and it will mess up everything, eventually. Don't do it.

 

[ex-pat]

((((Hugs)))) So sorry for you! Have you and your husband tried talking to a Christian marriage counselor or your pastor? If not, please do for the sake of your children!

 

[akmom]

We all want things in life, and sometimes that desire gets to a level of obsession. It's not healthy to fixate on one thing. And it isn't fair to your husband and other children. Having a baby is a very special and wonderful experience, but it is only one stage of life. I think it's important to be able to move onto the other stages with joy and not regret.

Sometimes a husband and wife have different desires, and they just have to compromise. Your desire for more children is not more important than your husband's desire to be done. It may or may not be reasonable to have more than 3 children, but it isn't reasonable to consider other men for reproduction, or bully your husband into a situation he doesn't want, or take out $9K for a dubious procedure. I'm sure if you really talked about it, you would find that your husband has desires that he has also had to give up, because either you are not on board with it, or the responsibilities he has take priority over those pursuits.

I'm sorry you're finding this situation so difficult to accept. I don't know if counseling would be useful. Maybe you can find some books on the subject that can at least relate to the way you feel and help you process your disappointments and move on with joy and contentment.

 

[BrittanyB]

We all want things in life, and sometimes that desire gets to a level of obsession. It's not healthy to fixate on one thing. And it isn't fair to your husband and other children. Having a baby is a very special and wonderful experience, but it is only one stage of life. I think it's important to be able to move onto the other stages with joy and not regret.

Sometimes a husband and wife have different desires, and they just have to compromise. Your desire for more children is not more important than your husband's desire to be done. It may or may not be reasonable to have more than 3 children, but it isn't reasonable to consider other men for reproduction, or bully your husband into a situation he doesn't want, or take out $9K for a dubious procedure. I'm sure if you really talked about it, you would find that your husband has desires that he has also had to give up, because either you are not on board with it, or the responsibilities he has take priority over those pursuits.

I'm sorry you're finding this situation so difficult to accept. I don't know if counseling would be useful. Maybe you can find some books on the subject that can at least relate to the way you feel and help you process your disappointments and move on with joy and contentment.

Thanks. Really good, thought-provoking words.

 

[Odetta]

Akmom had some very good points. I just wanted to add that it's OK to grieve. It's damaging to be resentful. I pray that you can come to a place of peace.

 

[Shane R]

In my first marriage my wife and I agreed that we should wait at least a year to seek a pregnancy. After about four months she changed her mind and eventually told me that she didn't see any point in having sex with me if we weren't on the same page with having a child. This confused me and disconcerted me but I gave in to her desire. She proved to be infertile, because she was pregnant each of the first two years of our marriage and both pregnancies were ectopic and led to 'spontaneous abortion' i.e. miscarriage. I never held this against her but she left me, experimented with lesbianism, gave it up to seek other men, had an invasive fertility surgery, and is now married to a guy named Ben and both have converted to Mormonism.

You need to communicate with him openly and express your desires and respect his opinions. Hopefully you can reach a mutual agreement.

 

[ALEA40]

I'm so sorry BrittanyB!!! I concur with Akmom. I was also in a similar situation. Our first son was a difficult child, but by the time he was 5 I was ready for baby #2. My husband was completely not on board. It took about 6 months to convince him. I got pregnant and he was not exactly happy. There was no excitement in this pregnancy. I don't think he ever felt him kick. He was there for the delivery, but again, no excitement or happiness. I think he just felt dread. Needless to say, he had a vasectomy when our baby was only 2 or 3 months old. It made me really sad. To add insult to injury, he got two of our neighborhood dads to get vasectomies too!

Still till this day, if our youngest son acts up or is whiny he throws it in my face. "Mommy thought he was going to be different, she thought he was going to be perfect". It's difficult. My husband is not a Christian, and this happened before I became a Christian. I have a different viewpoint now and I understand that parenting is extremely difficult for him. When you don't have Christ in your life, you are not blessed with daily grace from the Lord.

Pray to the Lord to heal your heart and to let go of any resentment which can ultimately destroy you and your relationship. "Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." Sending prayers

 

[.chrys.]

My husband had a vasectomy a few months after the birth of our second born. We are very happy that he did. He is in no way less masculine to me. I have not lost my desire for him. This did not "mess everything up."

 

[BrittanyB]

My husband had a vasectomy a few months after the birth of our second born. We are very happy that he did. He is in no way less masculine to me. I have not lost my desire for him. This did not "mess everything up."

Well, that's good for you.

 

[americanvet]

I wanted children. My wife did not. After a decade of talking (there was no arguing) I told her if she didn't want children it was fine with me. I married her for her and not for child baring. I have since came to accept that unless Christ blesses us with a child I will never be a father. My love for her is so much stronger than my desire for a child. I'm sorry for your situation and will be praying for you sister.

 

[catholichomeschooler]

I need some help here, from other Christians, ones who are not my family, since none of them understand, so I joined this group.

My husband and I were married 7 years ago. I had a 3 year old from a previous relationship. After a year and a half of marriage we had our baby girl, and a year and a half later our baby boy. My labor with him was rough, he had shoulder dystocia (got stuck) yet labor moved too quickly to get any pain meds, also he was 9.3oz. so it's no surprise that the very next moment after I pushed him out, out of my mind with pain, I said to my husband "I am never doing this again, you can get a vascetomy!!"
He made the appt. a couple weeks later! I told him I changed my mind, but he thought I was just being fickle. He then convinced me to let him, and three kids is enough,no room for more,etc.
I took him to the appt. and tried to change his mind the whole time. He wouldn't budge, I had a terrible feeling inside, like a crying sob in my belly.
I really struggled with it, but soon the demands of babies and toddlers took it off my mind mostly.
I still had hopes once in a while that the procedure didn't "take" and felt sadness when my period started each month.
Fast forward 3 years later. My kids are so precious, so loved, so adored, so adorable. I would love nothing more than to have another child.
It's time. My body says it's time. My heart says it's time.
Every baby I see, my uterus aches. When I see pregnant women it's a mix of awe and jealousy.
I feel such regret he got it done, such deep regret. I feel like we messed with God's plan.
Also, after he had it done and I knew he was "shooting blanks" I felt my attraction go down a little. I felt he was "gelded" and not as manly, but then I felt bad, and tried to ignore it.
Not now. I can't even help it. I swear he isn't the same. He seems so much less masculine to me. His erections are softer and don't stay hard as easy. His libido is decreased. He has almost taken on a "feminine air" to me! Because I know he can't reproduce!!
I've always been in touch with my cycles and I know when I'm ovulating. My drive goes up and do you think I want to get with my husband? Um, no, those goods are no good, and my body KNOWS it!
I am so guilty of the fact, but I lust after other men. Men who have just had babies and I know they're fertile. Almost every random man I see I fantasize if he'd be a good Father.

My husband jokes about it sometimes but he has no idea how it makes feel. He actually jokes "Hey, I can't get you pregnant, but we can have fun trying!!" Not funny. Incredibly painful actually.
I find myself thinking "whats the point of doing it with you??"

So I decided I would bring it up, the reversal. I made 10 phone calls and was on the phone for a total of hours getting numbers, info. pamphlets.
It would cost $9,200 but I checked with my bank and we could get a loan for that and pay it off over 5 years. We could do that!
I very excitedly gathered the info. and told my hubby.
He shot it down, hard. He said "I am never getting this reversed, and the only way it will happen is a miracle!"

He was mad I even brought it up.
So where does that leave me?? A woman in her prime, with her natural instinct coming through and I basically have a EUNUCH for a husband?

Oh and when people say "Be happy with the 3 children you were blessed with" Don't tell me that. I know that, in fact I am so happy with them, that's why I want another to love and watch grow up and adore.
"quiverfull" is in the Bible. That's what I want. We had no business messing with God's plan for children in our lives.

Now I have been having "phantom pregnancies" all the symptoms, and I think "maybe the vasectomy grew back!?"
And then I get my period and I am crushed. Heartbroken. I'm gonna have to go through this for 15 more years?!

I'm feeling so angry about it I'm ready to tell him I am losing any desire to touch him.
Oh! And one night I was confiding in him about how I've been having pregnancy symptoms, but they're psychological and you know what he said "My weiner's psychological.hahaha"
Yeah.


MEN OUT THERE:

DO NOT GET A VASECTOMY. Your wife will lose desire for you and it will mess up everything, eventually. Don't do it.

I had a reversal 8 years ago when I finally started taking my faith seriously after a non conversion conversion. We now have a beautiful 4 year old daughter.(our Sixth!)

Google: One More Soul

 

[bluemarkus]

u swore a foolish oath. god can make the impossible possible. its weird reading from a healthy 30yr old woman about such a problem. most women have the problem trying to NOT get pregnant !

 

[.chrys.]

Well, that's good for you.

I thought it only fair to caution others that though it messed things up for you, it doesn't necessarily mean that it will mess things up for other people. Some can have a vasectomy and still be satisfied in every way with their partners and choices concerning child rearing.

 

[BrittanyB]

Thanks for your responses everyone. I have found a christian surgeon who will perform the reversal for $1800. I am working on my husband, I printed off some info. for him about how a vasectomy causes more damage than everyone thinks.
Such as, a 89% higher chance of getting prostate cancer, low testosterone, and difficulty maintaining erections. Most of these happen years(+10) after a vasectomy, as all that "back-up" is just not natural.
He said "Well when if I start getting those problems, I'll have it reversed"
Next I will give him a print out of the affordable surgeon.
I am praying every day that God will put the desire in his heart!

 

[.chrys.]

Please share the source of the 89% claim of greater chance of getting prostate cancer. This is what I've found on the topic:

The latest study so far has come from New Zealand, a country with the highest rate of vasectomy in the world - and apparently meticulous cancer records. It compared more than 900 men with prostate cancer with about 1200 healthy men, and found no difference in prostate cancer rates (JAMA, 2002; 287: 3110-5).

So, what’s the latest verdict? Recently, US epidemiologists pulled together the evidence from 22 separate studies done over the last 20 years, and came to the conclusion that there is indeed a small extra risk of prostate cancer after vasectomy. However, they’re not sure whether this is a true causal connection or due to so-called ‘detection bias’ (Prostate Cancer Prostatic Dis, 2002; 5: 193-203). If it’s the latter, it could be, for example, that prostate cancer is more readily picked up in men submitting to vasectomy because such men are more health conscious and more likely to be regularly examined by a doctor.
Source: What Doctors Don't Tell You: Vasectomy and cancer

 

[BrittanyB]

I will have to look it up when I get a chance, but all of that aside, it's not natural, and it's not healthy to have sperm dammed and jammed up in there causing granulomas and "blowouts". There needs to be so much more education and counseling before men get this procedure.

 

[akmom]

Except it's not about a dubious risk of prostrate cancer... it's about you wanting a baby and trying to trick him into becoming fertile.

I would do some research on the doctor charging so much less than the going rate for this procedure.

 

[BrittanyB]

Please share the source of the 89% claim of greater chance of getting prostate cancer. This is what I've found on the topic:

Last year a study3 appeared in the Journal of the American Medical Association by Edward Gionvannucci, MD, and colleagues from Harvard Medical School that showed that men with vasectomies had a higher risk of developing prostate cancer than other men. In 1976, Giovannucci's research group sent questionnaires to more than 120,000 married female nurses ages 30-55 requesting information about their methods of birth control. More than 14,000 of the nurses' husbands had had vasectomies. These men were age-matched with husbands from the survey who hadn't had the operation.
Thirteen years later, the two groups were questioned about their health status. The groups, although similar in age, height, weight and alcohol consumption, showed a marked difference in the incidence of prostate disease. Men with vasectomies had an 89% greater risk of developing prostate cancer than men who didn't have the surgery. The scientists speculated that a vasectomy contributed to prostate cancer by interfering with the flow of fluid through the prostate gland, which increased its exposure to cancer-causing agents. They also suggested that a vasectomy may cause the body to have immune reactions against its own sperm cells. The study also showed that men who had vasectomies at least 20 years before had a higher risk of developing all forms of cancer than men who never had the surgery. Another study,6 conducted by Ann Hsing, MD. had similar results. In 12 cities in China, researchers evaluated the relationship between vasectomy and prostate cancer risk. Men who had undergone the procedure at least 10 years before the study were shown to have more than a 100 percent higher risk of developing the disease than men who hadn't had vasectomies and lived in the same areas.
3. Giovannucci, E., et al. A retrospective cohort study of vasectomy and prostate cancer in U.S. men. Journal of the American Medical Association 269:878-882, 1993.

 

[faroukfarouk]

My husband had a vasectomy a few months after the birth of our second born. We are very happy that he did. He is in no way less masculine to me. I have not lost my desire for him. This did not "mess everything up."

chrys.: I think it's fair to say that Scripture implies between the spouses the existence of both mutual respect and mutual desire.

 

[.chrys.]

chrys.: I think it's fair to say that Scripture implies between the spouses the existence of both mutual respect and mutual desire.

Okay...???