Ideation every day

[Lady Bug]

Hi, I'm not here for advice because to be painfully honest I cannot assure you that I'd be able to follow any. I'm just here to express myself because I can't take it. I don't know if there's any point to saying how I'm feeling about my dad's situation if I'm trapped in it, and I hate to sound "manipulative" because my brother uses suicidal ideation to manipulate me and my dad, but living with my dad's insufferable personality is making me feel suicidal ideation every day and it's unbearable. I know I'm not going to do anything, but I can't handle living with him, yet there's no other way out. I don't think I can literally live that long like this. I'm always thinking that I want to die. It's not necessarily about the care he needs, it's his attitude. He is excruciatingly clingy, summons me nonstop, biches extremely easily at the slightest provocation, and is actually getting worse in his attitude about religion the more I pray for him. He doesn't let me sleep yet wonders why I sleep during the day instead of at night. Well no sheet Sherlock, can't you connect the dots? Today he was saying how Islam is the best religion because of "porn sites that are damaging his computer." He did walk that back though, but for all the prayer I'm doing (specifically, it's a "Mother of Perpetual Help" prayer for the "Conversion of a Sinner"), it's driving him to Islam instead of to the Lord and I'm about to say phuk it and quit praying for him. I think Calvinism has a point in that there are some people who are doomed from the getgo not to accept the Lord.

I also can't even go to church functions anymore because of how his attitude destroys my attitude and sleep. I'm getting worried because the parish I am a member of (and want to remain a member of) does not offer as many Mass times as other backup parishes I go to. I have not attended a Mass at my "home" parish since October 31. I want to be back there yet something always gets in the way.

There is hardly a good way to look at this but I'm worried that the ideation I experience every day will lead to some sort of dementia or Alzheimer's down the road.

 

[Michie]

Hi, I'm not here for advice because to be painfully honest I cannot assure you that I'd be able to follow any. I'm just here to express myself because I can't take it. I don't know if there's any point to saying how I'm feeling about my dad's situation if I'm trapped in it, and I hate to sound "manipulative" because my brother uses suicidal ideation to manipulate me and my dad, but living with my dad's insufferable personality is making me feel suicidal ideation every day and it's unbearable. I know I'm not going to do anything, but I can't handle living with him, yet there's no other way out. I don't think I can literally live that long like this. I'm always thinking that I want to die. It's not necessarily about the care he needs, it's his attitude. He is excruciatingly clingy, summons me nonstop, biches extremely easily at the slightest provocation, and is actually getting worse in his attitude about religion the more I pray for him. He doesn't let me sleep yet wonders why I sleep during the day instead of at night. Well no sheet Sherlock, can't you connect the dots? Today he was saying how Islam is the best religion because of "porn sites that are damaging his computer." He did walk that back though, but for all the prayer I'm doing (specifically, it's a "Mother of Perpetual Help" prayer for the "Conversion of a Sinner"), it's driving him to Islam instead of to the Lord and I'm about to say phuk it and quit praying for him. I think Calvinism has a point in that there are some people who are doomed from the getgo not to accept the Lord.

I also can't even go to church functions anymore because of how his attitude destroys my attitude and sleep. I'm getting worried because the parish I am a member of (and want to remain a member of) does not offer as many Mass times as other backup parishes I go to. I have not attended a Mass at my "home" parish since October 31. I want to be back there yet something always gets in the way.

There is hardly a good way to look at this but I'm worried that the ideation I experience every day will lead to some sort of dementia or Alzheimer's down the road.

Prayers for you LB. Please consult your doctor to see if there is anything to help you cope with various resources.

 

[Lady Bug]

Prayers for you LB. Please consult your doctor to see if there is anything to help you cope with various resources.

I might, but I still am suffering from protracted emotional blunting and certain kinds of dysfunction, even though I've been off the meds for 5 months.

 

[RileyG]

Porn sites are damaging his computer and Islam will solve that? What? Osama bin Laden had a huge collection of pornography that was later found. I don't know what he thinks he is talking about.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

God bless you

You are in my continued prayers!

 

[chevyontheriver]

Hi, I'm not here for advice because to be painfully honest I cannot assure you that I'd be able to follow any. I'm just here to express myself because I can't take it. I don't know if there's any point to saying how I'm feeling about my dad's situation if I'm trapped in it, and I hate to sound "manipulative" because my brother uses suicidal ideation to manipulate me and my dad, but living with my dad's insufferable personality is making me feel suicidal ideation every day and it's unbearable. I know I'm not going to do anything, but I can't handle living with him, yet there's no other way out. I don't think I can literally live that long like this. I'm always thinking that I want to die. It's not necessarily about the care he needs, it's his attitude. He is excruciatingly clingy, summons me nonstop, biches extremely easily at the slightest provocation, and is actually getting worse in his attitude about religion the more I pray for him. He doesn't let me sleep yet wonders why I sleep during the day instead of at night. Well no sheet Sherlock, can't you connect the dots? Today he was saying how Islam is the best religion because of "porn sites that are damaging his computer." He did walk that back though, but for all the prayer I'm doing (specifically, it's a "Mother of Perpetual Help" prayer for the "Conversion of a Sinner"), it's driving him to Islam instead of to the Lord and I'm about to say phuk it and quit praying for him. I think Calvinism has a point in that there are some people who are doomed from the getgo not to accept the Lord.

I also can't even go to church functions anymore because of how his attitude destroys my attitude and sleep. I'm getting worried because the parish I am a member of (and want to remain a member of) does not offer as many Mass times as other backup parishes I go to. I have not attended a Mass at my "home" parish since October 31. I want to be back there yet something always gets in the way.

There is hardly a good way to look at this but I'm worried that the ideation I experience every day will lead to some sort of dementia or Alzheimer's down the road.

Do you argue with your father? If so, might be good to just tell him you will no longer do that. And go into a different room.

 

[Lady Bug]

Do you argue with your father? If so, might be good to just tell him you will no longer do that. And go into a different room.

I actually don't argue very much with him and I can and do leave the room, but he takes a huge offense to that and goes out of his way to be loud and keeps yelling for me.

 

[chevyontheriver]

I actually don't argue very much with him and I can and do leave the room, but he takes a huge offense to that and goes out of his way to be loud and keeps yelling for me.

He is abusive. You have my permission to leave the house whenever he does that.

 

[Lady Bug]

He is abusive. You have my permission to leave the house whenever he does that.

I would leave the house if I didn't fear that my exhaustion would cause me to get in a car accident.

He had the guts to tell me today that the best solution for my sleeping problems is to sleep less.
He did walk that back when I got upset about it, but he claims I'm always in my room and assumes that because I'm in my room, I'm sleeping, which is completely not true. Even if I'm on my bed, it doesn't mean I'm sleeping. I have trouble falling back asleep after being disturbed like this. And with the amount of work I do every day for him, frankly I deserve to sleep 12 hours. He says I should sleep on time and get up on time but that is impossible over here.

 

[RileyG]

I would leave the house if I didn't fear that my exhaustion would cause me to get in a car accident.

He had the guts to tell me today that the best solution for my sleeping problems is to sleep less.
He did walk that back when I got upset about it, but he claims I'm always in my room and assumes that because I'm in my room, I'm sleeping, which is completely not true. Even if I'm on my bed, it doesn't mean I'm sleeping. I have trouble falling back asleep after being disturbed like this. And with the amount of work I do every day for him, frankly I deserve to sleep 12 hours. He says I should sleep on time and get up on time but that is impossible over here.

I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

God loves you.

 

[Lady Bug]

I wish I could feel better but when I don't get enough sleep from this situation, the ideation is automatic. I don't think I'm going to get better.

 

[Michie]

I wish I could feel better but when I don't get enough sleep from this situation, the ideation is automatic. I don't think I'm going to get better.

Is your sleep disrupted because of interruptions or because your mind won’t shut down?

 

[Lady Bug]

Is your sleep disrupted because of interruptions or because your mind won’t shut down?

I think this is how it goes for me:
- My sleep gets disrupted because of interruptions
- Because of the interruptions, my mind can't shut down when I'm trying to go back to sleep because of a combination of anger that I was interrupted, and worries that it will happen again if I am able to fall back asleep

On a side note I don't know how anyone can be parents. If it were that impossible, no one could do it, but this seriously looks like I wasn't meant to be one, because I can't handle this kind of routine.

 

[chevyontheriver]

On a side note I don't know how anyone can be parents. If it were that impossible, no one could do it, but this seriously looks like I wasn't meant to be one, because I can't handle this kind of routine.

Those were hard years. One daughter would fall asleep in my arms if only I was moving. When I stood still she would cry. When she fell asleep I would put her back in the crib and about two thirds of the time she would wake up and cry again. Rinse and repeat a few times. Argh. We survived but I don't know how.

 

[Lady Bug]

Those were hard years. One daughter would fall asleep in my arms if only I was moving. When I stood still she would cry. When she fell asleep I would put her back in the crib and about two thirds of the time she would wake up and cry again. Rinse and repeat a few times. Argh. We survived but I don't know how.

Yeah - see, I am pretty darned positive that I could not handle this

Maybe when we're younger we can handle it better, but I am not exactly keen on starting something like this in my 40s. I want a break from caretaking after my dad passes.

(Yet I'm worried about aging and not looking "attractive" anymore - the dichotomy is real)

 

[RileyG]

Yeah - see, I am pretty darned positive that I could not handle this

Maybe when we're younger we can handle it better, but I am not exactly keen on starting something like this in my 40s. I want a break from caretaking after my dad passes.

(Yet I'm worried about aging and not looking "attractive" anymore - the dichotomy is real)

God bless you in his love!

 

[Lady Bug]

Sorry, I'm not trying to look like an attention-seeker but I'm kind of going through this again.

 

[RileyG]

Sorry, I'm not trying to look like an attention-seeker but I'm kind of going through this again.

Keeping you in prayer.