I was bullied at church. Why should I go back?

[Shawk]

Greetings and God's blessings to you all.

I am a 35 year old male from Canada. I would like to share a very personal topic that has caused me a lot of grief over the years. When I was a child, my mother struggled with poverty and lacked support for her physical disability. On my sixth birthday, she started sending me on a bus every Sunday to attend a Methodist church. I don’t think she saw it as religious indoctrination but rather a way for me to be part of something bigger. But it didn’t take long for my hand-me-down clothes and outdated sneakers to make me a target for bullying. The one place I never expected to feel out of place became the hardest place to be. These kids were second- and third-generation members of that church, and they got preferential treatment.

At a certain age, we advanced to what they called “intermediate studies,” and that’s when the bullying escalated. They told me I didn’t have family money because God didn’t have a future for me. I remember the exact day I stopped going to church. That Sunday, the kids lied to the bus driver, telling him I had gone home sick. I hadn’t. My mother had no backup plan. She had to spend $18 on a taxi to come get me. At the time, I didn’t understand what that meant, but that night, when dinner was served, she didn’t eat. She told me her stomach was sick. Now I know the truth: the taxi fare meant she couldn’t afford her own meal.

After that, I never looked back. I leaned into every piece of scripture that told me it was okay to pray alone, in my room, and that I didn’t need a church to be a Christian. I explored the idea of spirituality versus religion. For the longest time, I never considered stepping back into a church. Then, 15 years later, my late mother - by then in respite care - asked me to attend the small Catholic Mass in the basement. And do you know what I felt? Fear. I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. When it came time for communion, I gave a nervous smile and passed on the offering.

Later, I went through extensive therapy with a doctor who had once been an ordained minister. His advice stuck with me:

"Where would we be if fear stopped us from doing things? We don’t jump out of planes because it feels good. We do it for the thrill of making our fears feel tiny, even if only for a few fleeting minutes."

So, here I am. A grown adult absolutely terrified of churches. I believe in talking to people who have passed, in hopes that they are nearby. Intercessory prayer is important to me. I also believe in baptism. I’m a real mix of Christian beliefs.

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

 

[RamiC]

You were a child, bullied by other children, that can cause genuine long term effects bigger and stronger than simple choices. I believe you can be saved without a church, and Jesus does understand and care when people are personally attacked the way you were. The problem I see is that you are holding to some Christian beliefs, but you do not have the support of a local community to nurture that and pray for you.

 

[chevyontheriver]

Greetings and God's blessings to you all.

I am a 35 year old male from Canada. I would like to share a very personal topic that has caused me a lot of grief over the years. When I was a child, my mother struggled with poverty and lacked support for her physical disability. On my sixth birthday, she started sending me on a bus every Sunday to attend a Methodist church. I don’t think she saw it as religious indoctrination but rather a way for me to be part of something bigger. But it didn’t take long for my hand-me-down clothes and outdated sneakers to make me a target for bullying. The one place I never expected to feel out of place became the hardest place to be. These kids were second- and third-generation members of that church, and they got preferential treatment.

At a certain age, we advanced to what they called “intermediate studies,” and that’s when the bullying escalated. They told me I didn’t have family money because God didn’t have a future for me. I remember the exact day I stopped going to church. That Sunday, the kids lied to the bus driver, telling him I had gone home sick. I hadn’t. My mother had no backup plan. She had to spend $18 on a taxi to come get me. At the time, I didn’t understand what that meant, but that night, when dinner was served, she didn’t eat. She told me her stomach was sick. Now I know the truth: the taxi fare meant she couldn’t afford her own meal.

After that, I never looked back. I leaned into every piece of scripture that told me it was okay to pray alone, in my room, and that I didn’t need a church to be a Christian. I explored the idea of spirituality versus religion. For the longest time, I never considered stepping back into a church. Then, 15 years later, my late mother - by then in respite care - asked me to attend the small Catholic Mass in the basement. And do you know what I felt? Fear. I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. When it came time for communion, I gave a nervous smile and passed on the offering.

Later, I went through extensive therapy with a doctor who had once been an ordained minister. His advice stuck with me:

"Where would we be if fear stopped us from doing things? We don’t jump out of planes because it feels good. We do it for the thrill of making our fears feel tiny, even if only for a few fleeting minutes."

So, here I am. A grown adult absolutely terrified of churches. I believe in talking to people who have passed, in hopes that they are nearby. Intercessory prayer is important to me. I also believe in baptism. I’m a real mix of Christian beliefs.

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

What would your mother want for you in this regard?

 

[timf]

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation?

I went through something similar many years ago. First you start reading the bible, then you watch TV preachers, and then you consider a return to church. Today with the Internet, there is a lot more you can do as well. One web site I found that can be helpful is Christian Pioneer

I found that learning how to use bible tools like esword can be helpful, as well as hard copy tools like a concordance and bible dictionaries.

I have found three categories of problems with churches, doctrine, personalities, and structure. Personalities you may have to simply avoid, doctrines, you may find yourself moving on as you learn and grow, and structure, you may have to live with (the organizational system approach is ubiquitous).

You might try a small non-denominational bible church as someplace to start, especially if they can help you learn to use bible tools. Other than that, keep asking questions, challenging assumptions, and seeking after truth.

 

[Lukaris]

You are a victim of a bad community of people. To see such behavior at a Methodist Church is really sad. My one grandmother was Christian and Methodist and a godly woman. In my childhood I attended a church that was Methodist & then merged with a Presbyterian church in my youth. Never did I see such bad behavior on a community level. Ministers and Sunday school teachers were firm and careful to handle any bad behavior among kids ( which wasn’t often). Unfortunately the level & quality of faith instruction became watered down as time went on but the people of the church were always good people overall.

If you feel you need to be a part of a church community in living your faith, you shouldn’t need to fear or put up with mean spirited people. Most communities are exemplified by generally kind & caring types of people. There are good reasons to carefully examine whichever community you might choose also. The same positive and negative qualities among people will be found among all Christian groups.

 

[Marie333]

Greetings and God's blessings to you all.

I am a 35 year old male from Canada. I would like to share a very personal topic that has caused me a lot of grief over the years. When I was a child, my mother struggled with poverty and lacked support for her physical disability. On my sixth birthday, she started sending me on a bus every Sunday to attend a Methodist church. I don’t think she saw it as religious indoctrination but rather a way for me to be part of something bigger. But it didn’t take long for my hand-me-down clothes and outdated sneakers to make me a target for bullying. The one place I never expected to feel out of place became the hardest place to be. These kids were second- and third-generation members of that church, and they got preferential treatment.

At a certain age, we advanced to what they called “intermediate studies,” and that’s when the bullying escalated. They told me I didn’t have family money because God didn’t have a future for me. I remember the exact day I stopped going to church. That Sunday, the kids lied to the bus driver, telling him I had gone home sick. I hadn’t. My mother had no backup plan. She had to spend $18 on a taxi to come get me. At the time, I didn’t understand what that meant, but that night, when dinner was served, she didn’t eat. She told me her stomach was sick. Now I know the truth: the taxi fare meant she couldn’t afford her own meal.

After that, I never looked back. I leaned into every piece of scripture that told me it was okay to pray alone, in my room, and that I didn’t need a church to be a Christian. I explored the idea of spirituality versus religion. For the longest time, I never considered stepping back into a church. Then, 15 years later, my late mother - by then in respite care - asked me to attend the small Catholic Mass in the basement. And do you know what I felt? Fear. I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. When it came time for communion, I gave a nervous smile and passed on the offering.

Later, I went through extensive therapy with a doctor who had once been an ordained minister. His advice stuck with me:

"Where would we be if fear stopped us from doing things? We don’t jump out of planes because it feels good. We do it for the thrill of making our fears feel tiny, even if only for a few fleeting minutes."

So, here I am. A grown adult absolutely terrified of churches. I believe in talking to people who have passed, in hopes that they are nearby. Intercessory prayer is important to me. I also believe in baptism. I’m a real mix of Christian beliefs.

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Those people/children from your past, sadly, didn’t know God nor Jesus and you can tell by their fruits. But you shouldn’t let this experience keep you from attending church and fellowship today. What they did was not of God. I suggest visiting churches in your area- You can visit many churches until you find a solid church.

The important thing to remember when finding a solid church is: Do they preach and teach true scripture in its context? Do they abide by the teachings of God and Jesus (no conforming to worldly things, nor things God calls an abomination- I don’t suggest a church with women pastors either as the Apostle Paul makes clear). Do they twist scripture or add “works” in order to be saved? Do they insist you “do” anything not found in the Bible? Do the required prayer to Mary or the saints? Do they do things you never read about in scripture (“slaying by the spirit”, being “baptized by the Holy Spirit to speak in tongues” for example.) All of these things are not biblical and if you see or here these things- these are churches to avoid. If Jesus, his disciples and the apostles didn’t do it- neither should you and neither should your church. There are many denominations out there that do things and teach things that are not biblical so it’s important to find a church that sticks to scripture, teaches it in its context, and adds nothing to it not takes away from it. Gods word never changes and God does not conform to man’s desires.

Another thing you can do is read up on the denomination before going. Check the church website and read their beliefs/about section. If there’s anything there that is not biblical, or if they agree to things that God calls an abomination, avoid that church and move on to the next. If nothing else, and you choose to stay home, I suggest listening to sermons by Pastors John MacArthur (Grace to You), Voddie Baucham (Grace Family Baptist Church) Abner Chou, Justin Peters Ministries. Solid Bible preachers and teachers.

God bless.

 

[Freth]

I grew up with similar experiences in public school. I wore hand-me-downs from my brother, wore cheap shoes, even had bell bottoms long after they were out of style. I grew up poor, and I was bullied for years, through grade school.

One time, I was walking home, and a boy who lived in the same low income apartment complex I did walked up to me and asked me to hold his gloves, at which point he punched me in the mouth for no reason whatsoever. I had kids bully me and threaten to beat me up after school. I was small before puberty, so I was an easy target for bullies. I was also reserved, polite and non-confrontational, because of my Christian upbringing.

I was fortunate enough to be able to attend our church school. I had grown up with the kids in my church, so it was a very positive experience in my life. And so I learned how a church can be like family.

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

I highly recommend a church as you will benefit greatly from being a member. The church I grew up in was my family, and if it weren't for me moving away, I would still be attending it. That's not to say that there weren't issues within the church, there were, but it did not outweigh the good.

It has been my experience, in attending many different churches (denominations) that there is a common thread amongst most of them. That they are loving people.

What I recommend looking for: Sincere, God-loving Christians who love others, a pastor that preaches the truth from the Bible. If it feels wrong, move on, but don't give up, as there are loving Christians the world over.

Also, welcome to the forums!

 

[seeking.IAM]

I regret you had the experience you had and that it has had a lifelong impact on you. You were a kid. They were kids. Unfortunately, kids can be very cruel to each other. It can happen at church, at school, or on the playground. But, you are not a kid anymore. You walked away once to protect yourself from emotional harm. You are still practicing a childhood defense you very likely don't need anymore. I suggest you try again and evaluate how grown-ups treat you in the here and now.

 

[ozso]

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

I think being part of a church fellowship is usually important under ordinary circumstances.
I didn't attended church for a long time for various reasons, and then happened to have a mental/spiritual breakdown of sorts and had no one to turn to. So that's when I realized cutting myself off like that wasn't a good idea. Since then (16 years ago) I've attended a small church with standard doctrine a friendly pastor and a friendly congregation. So I'd say give that a try.

 

[KevinT]

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

I am sorry this happened to you. You mentioned being terrified of going back to church, and I can see why. For you, going to church has been about pain and discomfort. But you have an opportunity to push out those old experiences and fill your mind with new ones. Find a community that you fit with and bask in the fellowship that God wants us to share with each other.

Best wishes,

Kevin

 

[soldier of light]

Greetings and God's blessings to you all.

I am a 35 year old male from Canada. I would like to share a very personal topic that has caused me a lot of grief over the years. When I was a child, my mother struggled with poverty and lacked support for her physical disability. On my sixth birthday, she started sending me on a bus every Sunday to attend a Methodist church. I don’t think she saw it as religious indoctrination but rather a way for me to be part of something bigger. But it didn’t take long for my hand-me-down clothes and outdated sneakers to make me a target for bullying. The one place I never expected to feel out of place became the hardest place to be. These kids were second- and third-generation members of that church, and they got preferential treatment.

At a certain age, we advanced to what they called “intermediate studies,” and that’s when the bullying escalated. They told me I didn’t have family money because God didn’t have a future for me. I remember the exact day I stopped going to church. That Sunday, the kids lied to the bus driver, telling him I had gone home sick. I hadn’t. My mother had no backup plan. She had to spend $18 on a taxi to come get me. At the time, I didn’t understand what that meant, but that night, when dinner was served, she didn’t eat. She told me her stomach was sick. Now I know the truth: the taxi fare meant she couldn’t afford her own meal.

After that, I never looked back. I leaned into every piece of scripture that told me it was okay to pray alone, in my room, and that I didn’t need a church to be a Christian. I explored the idea of spirituality versus religion. For the longest time, I never considered stepping back into a church. Then, 15 years later, my late mother - by then in respite care - asked me to attend the small Catholic Mass in the basement. And do you know what I felt? Fear. I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. When it came time for communion, I gave a nervous smile and passed on the offering.

Later, I went through extensive therapy with a doctor who had once been an ordained minister. His advice stuck with me:

"Where would we be if fear stopped us from doing things? We don’t jump out of planes because it feels good. We do it for the thrill of making our fears feel tiny, even if only for a few fleeting minutes."

So, here I am. A grown adult absolutely terrified of churches. I believe in talking to people who have passed, in hopes that they are nearby. Intercessory prayer is important to me. I also believe in baptism. I’m a real mix of Christian beliefs.

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

I have social anxiety so I don't attend church. Sadly many people in church are blind. I hang out in the deeper fellowship forum here at christian forums. Stop by sometime or send me a message. I will fellowship with you.

 

[timothyu]

The evils that you faced are not restricted to churches but are part of the fabric of daily life. A fabric which has deteriorated quickly in the past generation with the switch going from acting responsibly to demanding rights and divisiveness. No church will be free of its influences because the people within are following society of the world of man rather than the Kingdom itself. Any church that acts in the ways of man cannot teach the kingdom, for it is the enemy to the world of man. You seem to be sensitive to the darkness that pervades even churches. This could be an obvious sign to seek out the counter-culture to man... Jesus' Gospel of the Kingdom and those who follow it, some being in churches, some outside of them.

 

[lismore]

Hello Shawk, you had a really bad experience with people and a church which had serious issues. But a good church is worth finding. Fellowship with other believers is worth having. As the bible says:

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked (Psalm 84:10).

Meeting with some real Christians might help you to heal and to move past the hurts of the past. But I would search for it carefully and prayerfully, to avoid another bad experience. God Bless You

 

[soldier of light]

Hello Shawk, you had a really bad experience with people and a church which had serious issues. But a good church is worth finding. Fellowship with other believers is worth having. As the bible says:

Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked (Psalm 84:10).

Meeting with some real Christians might help you to heal and to move past the hurts of the past. But I would search for it carefully and prayerfully, to avoid another bad experience. God Bless You

I have online fellowship and church is not God's courts.

 

[NBB]

A 'spirit-filled' church where God presence is doing things can be a treasure, and if they don't bully you, Jesus promised to send His presence when 2 or 3 gather.

 

[timewerx]

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

You don't have to be in church if you don't feel the need to:

The church is already part of this world and the world has always been hostile to the real Christ and the poor. The world can only appreciate the fake/made-up "christ". The "christ" made in the image of worldly people.

I hope these teachings provide you with comfort.

1 John 2:27
As for you, the anointing you received from him remains in you, and you do not need anyone to teach you. But as his anointing teaches you about all things and as that anointing is real, not counterfeit—just as it has taught you, remain in him.

John 16:13
But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Greetings and God's blessings to you all.

I am a 35 year old male from Canada. I would like to share a very personal topic that has caused me a lot of grief over the years. When I was a child, my mother struggled with poverty and lacked support for her physical disability. On my sixth birthday, she started sending me on a bus every Sunday to attend a Methodist church. I don’t think she saw it as religious indoctrination but rather a way for me to be part of something bigger. But it didn’t take long for my hand-me-down clothes and outdated sneakers to make me a target for bullying. The one place I never expected to feel out of place became the hardest place to be. These kids were second- and third-generation members of that church, and they got preferential treatment.

At a certain age, we advanced to what they called “intermediate studies,” and that’s when the bullying escalated. They told me I didn’t have family money because God didn’t have a future for me. I remember the exact day I stopped going to church. That Sunday, the kids lied to the bus driver, telling him I had gone home sick. I hadn’t. My mother had no backup plan. She had to spend $18 on a taxi to come get me. At the time, I didn’t understand what that meant, but that night, when dinner was served, she didn’t eat. She told me her stomach was sick. Now I know the truth: the taxi fare meant she couldn’t afford her own meal.

After that, I never looked back. I leaned into every piece of scripture that told me it was okay to pray alone, in my room, and that I didn’t need a church to be a Christian. I explored the idea of spirituality versus religion. For the longest time, I never considered stepping back into a church. Then, 15 years later, my late mother - by then in respite care - asked me to attend the small Catholic Mass in the basement. And do you know what I felt? Fear. I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. When it came time for communion, I gave a nervous smile and passed on the offering.

Later, I went through extensive therapy with a doctor who had once been an ordained minister. His advice stuck with me:

"Where would we be if fear stopped us from doing things? We don’t jump out of planes because it feels good. We do it for the thrill of making our fears feel tiny, even if only for a few fleeting minutes."

So, here I am. A grown adult absolutely terrified of churches. I believe in talking to people who have passed, in hopes that they are nearby. Intercessory prayer is important to me. I also believe in baptism. I’m a real mix of Christian beliefs.

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

Gathering together with other Christians can be and really should ideally be a good, healthy, mutually helpful thing, but the problem is that while Christian belief itself does help to prevent truth decay, it doesn't always prevent human stupidity. So, some folks at church will continue in their Christian lives being stupid, badgering other fellow Christians (like you or me) with what they think is 'the truth.'

Try to look for the solid, mature Christians within the Church, however few they may be, rather than hoping that every Christian sitting in a pew will be friendly and understanding. They often won't be due to their own human frailties which they tend to cover up.

 

[High Fidelity]

Greetings and God's blessings to you all.

I am a 35 year old male from Canada. I would like to share a very personal topic that has caused me a lot of grief over the years. When I was a child, my mother struggled with poverty and lacked support for her physical disability. On my sixth birthday, she started sending me on a bus every Sunday to attend a Methodist church. I don’t think she saw it as religious indoctrination but rather a way for me to be part of something bigger. But it didn’t take long for my hand-me-down clothes and outdated sneakers to make me a target for bullying. The one place I never expected to feel out of place became the hardest place to be. These kids were second- and third-generation members of that church, and they got preferential treatment.

At a certain age, we advanced to what they called “intermediate studies,” and that’s when the bullying escalated. They told me I didn’t have family money because God didn’t have a future for me. I remember the exact day I stopped going to church. That Sunday, the kids lied to the bus driver, telling him I had gone home sick. I hadn’t. My mother had no backup plan. She had to spend $18 on a taxi to come get me. At the time, I didn’t understand what that meant, but that night, when dinner was served, she didn’t eat. She told me her stomach was sick. Now I know the truth: the taxi fare meant she couldn’t afford her own meal.

After that, I never looked back. I leaned into every piece of scripture that told me it was okay to pray alone, in my room, and that I didn’t need a church to be a Christian. I explored the idea of spirituality versus religion. For the longest time, I never considered stepping back into a church. Then, 15 years later, my late mother - by then in respite care - asked me to attend the small Catholic Mass in the basement. And do you know what I felt? Fear. I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. When it came time for communion, I gave a nervous smile and passed on the offering.

Later, I went through extensive therapy with a doctor who had once been an ordained minister. His advice stuck with me:

"Where would we be if fear stopped us from doing things? We don’t jump out of planes because it feels good. We do it for the thrill of making our fears feel tiny, even if only for a few fleeting minutes."

So, here I am. A grown adult absolutely terrified of churches. I believe in talking to people who have passed, in hopes that they are nearby. Intercessory prayer is important to me. I also believe in baptism. I’m a real mix of Christian beliefs.

What advice would you offer to someone in my situation? Do you believe in the importance of being in a church community, or do you see personal, individual faith as just as valid? Thank you for your time.

It’s never been more apparent that most professing Christians aren’t Christian at all. Scripture tells us this, about the many and the few. Christian conduct towards themselves and others has never been this bad, so I’d keep that in mind too, because it’s a special kind of disappointment when you see fellow professing Christians acting completely contrary to Scripture.

You shouldn’t have experienced that during Church. I think most of it was likely just the nasty side of kids being cruel, but you’d still expect them to know better given their regular church attendance.

Is your mother still alive? You mentioned she attended Mass. Maybe go to Mass with her and see how you get on. Speak to the Priest about your experience. Just be aware that you cannot receive the Eucharist as a non-Catholic, so if you go up in line, cross your arms across your chest and you will receive a blessing instead.

 

[timothyu]

The purpose of a congregation is to love each other as self, not to badger each other, the choir, over theology.

 

[seeking.IAM]

I would like to add here that it is quite possible to have a meaningful worship experience at a church without becoming involved in the more informal interactions that could give rise to unpleasantries. Sometimes it is good not to throw the baby out with the bathwater. Fellowship is nice for many, but I think it is not the core reason for our being there.