"fearfully and 'wonderfully' made"?

[Jamdoc]

as a physically disabled person, an ugly, deformed physically disabled person at that, how can I see those words and believe them? I feel like I'm of such poor worksmanship that if I'm truly in the image of God, then it reflects badly on His abilities. Why would God create such an horrible image? I feel so badly made that I feel like I make Him look bad just by existing, much less my inability to do things that other people take for granted.

There's a point of humility where it just becomes self depreciation and feeling worthless.

 

[tturt]

Jamdoc after reading your question, I can't ignore. But I don't have this awesome,, excellent response. Since I've gotten older, some things are a lot more challenging. So understand to a degree of what you're saying.

Thankful that you are His. Know you are not worthless.

 

[honey badger]

as a physically disabled person, an ugly, deformed physically disabled person at that, how can I see those words and believe them? I feel like I'm of such poor worksmanship that if I'm truly in the image of God, then it reflects badly on His abilities. Why would God create such an horrible image? I feel so badly made that I feel like I make Him look bad just by existing, much less my inability to do things that other people take for granted.

There's a point of humility where it just becomes self depreciation and feeling worthless.

The made in the image of God is not a physical truth, therefore it has no measurement other than the measurement by thought we put on it.

 

[Strong in Him]

as a physically disabled person, an ugly, deformed physically disabled person at that, how can I see those words and believe them?

I feel like I'm of such poor worksmanship that if I'm truly in the image of God, then it reflects badly on His abilities.

Being made in His image doesn't mean a physical image.
God is love, loving, good, kind, gentle, creative, organised and a thousand and one other things. If we are kind, generous, loving etc etc, that is because our loving Creator made us so.

I feel so badly made that I feel like I make Him look bad just by existing,

No way.
You have a beautiful testimony; it would seem you have every reason to give up on God, yet here you are, "watching and praying always". It takes enormous faith, and strength of character, to persevere, keep trusting, hoping and praying. There are non Christians who pray for healing, or have some other request, don't receive it and give up, saying that God isn't real or doesn't answer prayer. You haven't.
Some Christians take the view that long term sick, disabled, Christians are a bad witness to God - they said it to me, on here, when I had M.E. But God doesn't say that.

There's a point of humility where it just becomes self depreciation and feeling worthless.

I'm sorry you feel worthless.
I'm not in your situation so I won't say "I know how you feel", but I do know that feeling.
We shouldn't dismiss our feelings and emotions, but at the same time, they may prevent us from seeing the truth. I lived by my feelings/emotions for years. If I was having a good day, it was "proof" God loved me, if things weren't do good, then he obviously didn't. I didn't understand why I had several debilitating allergies, while my non Christian brothers weren't affected at all. I was angry that God wouldn't take them away.
But I gradually realised that God didn't need to give me a "good day" to show me that he loved me - he had already done that by the cross. Jesus died for me, and for you, because God loved is so much that he wanted us to be his children. If we trust in Jesus and have his Holy Spirit, we belong to him, Romans 8:17 and nothing can ever separate us from his love, Romans 8:38-39.

I hope this doesn't come across as being too glib. I have no answers for your situation - except that I believe that you were made in the image of God and it is the devil who has tried/is trying to change that.
He will never be able to because the Holy Spirit changes us into Jesus' image and likeness.

 

[Jamdoc]

Being made in His image doesn't mean a physical image.
God is love, loving, good, kind, gentle, creative, organised and a thousand and one other things. If we are kind, generous, loving etc etc, that is because our loving Creator made us so.

No way.
You have a beautiful testimony; it would seem you have every reason to give up on God, yet here you are, "watching and praying always". It takes enormous faith, and strength of character, to persevere, keep trusting, hoping and praying. There are non Christians who pray for healing, or have some other request, don't receive it and give up, saying that God isn't real or doesn't answer prayer. You haven't.
Some Christians take the view that long term sick, disabled, Christians are a bad witness to God - they said it to me, on here, when I had M.E. But God doesn't say that.

I'm sorry you feel worthless.
I'm not in your situation so I won't say "I know how you feel", but I do know that feeling.
We shouldn't dismiss our feelings and emotions, but at the same time, they may prevent us from seeing the truth. I lived by my feelings/emotions for years. If I was having a good day, it was "proof" God loved me, if things weren't do good, then he obviously didn't. I didn't understand why I had several debilitating allergies, while my non Christian brothers weren't affected at all. I was angry that God wouldn't take them away.
But I gradually realised that God didn't need to give me a "good day" to show me that he loved me - he had already done that by the cross. Jesus died for me, and for you, because God loved is so much that he wanted us to be his children. If we trust in Jesus and have his Holy Spirit, we belong to him, Romans 8:17 and nothing can ever separate us from his love, Romans 8:38-39.

I hope this doesn't come across as being too glib. I have no answers for your situation - except that I believe that you were made in the image of God and it is the devil who has tried/is trying to change that.
He will never be able to because the Holy Spirit changes us into Jesus' image and likeness.

but I'm not kind or generous or loving, I'm bitter, selfish, and hateful, I fail every single test put in front of me miserably, and it's only after I fail that I realize "that was a test".
Daily in fact, at the bare minimum I can't stop "reviling when reviled" back, it's petty but it's like a knee-jerk reaction because it happens so often. Just a knee jerk and I fail a simple test like turning the other cheek when someone insults me. I have no reason to be proud, I'm garbage why should I have pride to defend in being insulted? But I still react pridefully and in hostile manner.

in fact, I feel my physical ugliness to be a reflection of the ugliness inside in my bitterness and spitefulness.

Most days, I just don't feel like I belong anywhere, like this universe isn't where I belong but, in church, I don't feel like I belong either, not in the world, not even within my own family. I question why God would make me at all, I know why He made you, or others, people who would just enjoy seeing Him and praising Him, that are not at all put off by the teaching that heaven is just us falling on our face and singing hymns to God.. but I think of that future and dread that idea, because the only praise I can possibly offer is "I guess thanks for not making it even worse by sending me to hell" That's all I got and it's totally empty and devoid of value, just like me. All i could otherwise do is regurgitate words other men wrote.

No me? I have to hunt down in the bible that that is NOT what God promises that we're NOT created to be a choir but to be kings ruling with Him. Otherwise, I just wish I had never been created if my future is to just be shouting HOLY HOLY HOLY...
I don't even think I'd be a good ruler, in fact I know I'd be an awful ruler, but at least it's SOMETHING other than just falling on my face saying HOLY HOLY HOLY...

But for most church goers.. that HOLY HOLY HOLY.. oh that motivates them, but I can't relate to them, and it's just more evidence against me that I just don't belong.

Why would God create something THIS bitter, and then turn around and say "I'm gonna have this person love Christ even though he HATES religion! I'm gonna have this person love Christ even though he has every reason to hate God! He will love Christ for how Christ treated others, even if I give him only misery instead."

it becomes love Christ.. hate self.

 

[AbbaLove]

Your posts convince me that you are still "wonderfully and fearfully made" in that you are a Believer.

Isn't that a zillion times more important than an unbeliever who may have one or more doctorate degrees, billionaire, most handsome appearance, charismatic, gifted speaker... BUT ... doesn't believe in the Bible or believe in Almighty GOD or believe in Jesus as Lord and Savior.

Would you really rather trade places with such an unbeliever ? Wouldn't you rather spend eternity in Heaven ... wonderfully made as a new creation in Christ (Titus 3:5) ?

Is there nothing you can do to spread the Good News ?

 

[Jamdoc]

Your posts convince me that you are still "wonderfully and fearfully made" in that you are a Believer.

Isn't that a zillion times more important than an unbeliever who may have one or more doctorate degrees, billionaire, most handsome appearance, charismatic, gifted speaker... BUT ... doesn't believe in the Bible or believe in Almighty GOD or believe in Jesus as Lord and Savior.

Would you really rather trade places with such an unbeliever ? Wouldn't you rather spend eternity in Heaven ... wonderfully made as a new creation in Christ (Titus 3:5) ?

Is there nothing you can do to spread the Good News ?

not really, because they look at me, and how I'm an ugly reflection and think "why would I believe anything THIS guy says, it's obviously not working for him"

 

[The Righterzpen]

not really, because they look at me, and how I'm an ugly reflection and think "why would I believe anything THIS guy says, it's obviously not working for him"

Why do you suppose you are still here?

Lots of people have lived and do live through some pretty horrendous and debilitating conditions. Why do you think that happens?

 

[Jamdoc]

Why do you suppose you are still here?

Lots of people have lived and do live through some pretty horrendous and debilitating conditions. Why do you think that happens?

likely to be tested
but I just keep failing the tests.

 

[The Righterzpen]

likely to be tested
but I just keep failing the tests.

So do you think that people who don't have debilitating conditions aren't tested?

My developmentally disabled son with refractory epilepsy aint likely to ever have to stand before a firing squad in Afghanistan to be executed for his faith.

We were in a catastrophic car accident 12 years ago that has left me permanently mobility impaired and with a traumatic brain injury. I never saw that as a test upon me though. Just something that happened for the purposes God has for our lives. And if someone's redemption comes out of that car accident; It's worth a couple of broken bones; even if I never walk independent of a pair of crutches again.

Despite the trials I've been through (which have been many) I really aint got anything to complain about. And I always figured; why cut myself off from the only One that can actually help me. (God) So there's no point in being all bitter toward God about anything that has happened to me. Not that I don't still struggle with grief, loss, frustration and even my own wrath at the injustice that goes on in this world. But also, I know that on the other side of eternity, none of this is going to matter!

"And all God's people said Amen!"

 

[Jamdoc]

So do you think that people who don't have debilitating conditions aren't tested?

My developmentally disabled son with refractory epilepsy aint likely to ever have to stand before a firing squad in Afghanistan to be executed for his faith.

We were in a catastrophic car accident 12 years ago that has left me permanently mobility impaired and with a traumatic brain injury. I never saw that as a test upon me though. Just something that happened for the purposes God has for our lives. And if someone's redemption comes out of that car accident; It's worth a couple of broken bones; even if I never walk independent of a pair of crutches again.

Despite the trials I've been through (which have been many) I really aint got anything to complain about. And I always figured; why cut myself off from the only One that can actually help me. (God) So there's no point in being all bitter toward God about anything that has happened to me. Not that I don't still struggle with grief, loss, frustration and even my own wrath at the injustice that goes on in this world. But also, I know that on the other side of eternity, none of this is going to matter!

"And all God's people said Amen!"

Tests aren't always martyrdom, sometimes they're just .. bad things happen to you and how do you react to them, in my case, people revile me, and, like a kneejerk, I revile back. When I do, I know I failed yet another test.
Something bad will happen to me, and I'll be impatient about it, rather than patient and graceful, and I know, I failed another test.
I might not actually say or do anything, but Jesus said even thoughts count, when I get even angry with someone, even if I don't express it, it's the same as murdering them in God's eyes.

like, say someone almost sideswipes me in traffic, they'll never hear me swear at them, and they'll never know I wanted something bad to happen to them in that instant.... but God knows, and it's still a failed test. As far as God's concerned, it's the same as if I'd pulled out a gun and shot and killed them, because my thoughts in that moment were just about as ugly, even if I physically did nothing but maybe honk my horn at them.

I guess at some point MS will make me unable to drive anymore and I suppose I can count that as a blessing even though it will mean needing to be chauffeured everywhere. But then it's just more things I can't do that normal people can do. Which is just more frustration on my part. I can't drive every day, sometimes inflammation is too much, sometimes muscle spasms are too much, sometimes optic neuritis is too much, and I already feel worse when I'm unable to do those normal every day things.

 

[BeyondET]

as a physically disabled person, an ugly, deformed physically disabled person at that, how can I see those words and believe them? I feel like I'm of such poor worksmanship that if I'm truly in the image of God, then it reflects badly on His abilities. Why would God create such an horrible image? I feel so badly made that I feel like I make Him look bad just by existing, much less my inability to do things that other people take for granted.

There's a point of humility where it just becomes self depreciation and feeling worthless.

The physical body is the outermost being "let the earth bring forth" and the innermost being the spirit, "the breath". The frame and unformed body were woven together in the depths. A spirit is a very complex invisible structure. Make the physical part look like a strain of hair.

Psalm 139

13 For You formed my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and I know this very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my unformed body; all my days were written in Your book and ordained for me
before one of them came to be.

 

[Jamdoc]

The physical body is the outermost being and the innermost being the spirit. The frame and unformed body were woven together in the depths.

Psalm 139

12 even the darkness is not dark to You, but the night shines like the day, for darkness is as light to You.

13 For You formed my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, and I know this very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.

16Your eyes saw my unformed body; all my days were written in Your book and ordained for me
before one of them came to be.

I just can't see wonder in what resulted in me, I see something that went catastrophically wrong.

 

[BeyondET]

I just can't see wonder in what resulted in me, I see something that went catastrophically wrong.

Physical bodies are good but the soul is wonderfully or fearfully.

 

[BeyondET]

You have a disease like I was born with a diseased heart valve except alot worse that caused disability.
Unfortunately those things are allowed at the moment for reasons we can't understand.

 

[Jamdoc]

You have a disease like I was born with a diseased heart valve except alot worse that caused disability.
Unfortunately those things are allowed at the moment for reasons we can't understand.

Well it's more than one. MS is one of two degenerative autoimmune diseases I have, the other is psoriatic arthritis, so.. you know ugly skin, and deformed joints that are fusing and growing bone spurs.
then, while I don't like to mention it, because some Pentecostals and charismatics literally think it's demonic possession, I'm on the autism spectrum. Someone else mentioned a son with a developmental disorder, which okay maybe they understand then how someone can feel like they were just born into the wrong universe and don't fit in or belong and just can't communicate or relate to other people effectively. I'm not so severely affected that I can't function at all, but it's enough to estrange and ostracize myself from other people. Enough that I feel totally alone when I'm in a huge crowd, like I don't fit in that crowd, even one that tries to be welcoming like Church.

 

[Strong in Him]

but I'm not kind or generous or loving, I'm bitter, selfish, and hateful, I fail every single test put in front of me miserably,

The bad things that happen to us are not necessarily "tests" They happen because we live in a fallen world and they can happen to Christians as much as to anyone else.
I don't believe my little brother dying before his 2nd birthday was a test - if it was, it was pointless, didn't do anyone any good and, apparently, caused my grandmother to lose her faith.

Why do you think the things that have, unfortunately, happened to you were a test? What would have happened if you had "passed"?

Daily in fact, at the bare minimum I can't stop "reviling when reviled" back, it's petty but it's like a knee-jerk reaction because it happens so often.

And maybe completely understandable if you are living with pain and disappointment and then someone, who knows nothing of this, picks on you.

I have no reason to be proud, I'm garbage

You're not garbage, you just feel like it.
God doesn't think you're garbage - he sent Jesus to die for you.

Most days, I just don't feel like I belong anywhere, like this universe isn't where I belong but, in church, I don't feel like I belong either, not in the world, not even within my own family.

I'm sorry.

I question why God would make me at all,

I don't know - but it must have been for some purpose/reason.

I know why He made you, or others, people who would just enjoy seeing Him and praising Him, that are not at all put off by the teaching that heaven is just us falling on our face and singing hymns to God..

Heaven is a lot more than that.
It's being in God's presence forever.
It's no more tears, fear, sin, illness, pain, disappointment etc etc.

but I think of that future and dread that idea, because the only praise I can possibly offer is "I guess thanks for not making it even worse by sending me to hell"

Sounds like you're in hell already.
Your profile motto says "watching and praying always". What are you watching and praying for?

No me? I have to hunt down in the bible that that is NOT what God promises that we're NOT created to be a choir but to be kings ruling with Him. Otherwise, I just wish I had never been created if my future is to just be shouting HOLY HOLY HOLY...

It isn't.
You will have a new resurrection body and will be able to serve God without pain or sadness.

Why would God create something THIS bitter, and then turn around and say "I'm gonna have this person love Christ even though he HATES religion!

He didn't create you bitter - life, illness, disappointment and other people's attitudes may have made you so.

I hate religion too and, often, the church. Religion is man's attempts to find God - Christianity says that God has found us.

I'm gonna have this person love Christ even though he has every reason to hate God!

He doesn't make you love Christ - otherwise he would have created everyone in the word so that they could never rebel against/disobey him.
If you love Christ though you have reason to hate him, that's testimony to your faith and courage.

 

[Strong in Him]

not really, because they look at me, and how I'm an ugly reflection and think "why would I believe anything THIS guy says, it's obviously not working for him"

Do you know that they are thinking that?
How about, "all the others say that God is real and he is good; when, and because, he gives them good things. But this guy still believes in God - wonder why?"

 

[Jamdoc]

Do you know that they are thinking that?
How about, "all the others say that God is real and he is good; when, and because, he gives them good things. But this guy still believes in God - wonder why?"

I dunno, just like, all the other good testimonies i hear, "I was a drug addict and a criminal I went to jail and Jesus turned my whole life around and now I don't do any of that anymore," etc etc etc. I don't have anything like that. I found Jesus when I was 12, but then got angry at the whole thing because it just turned into religion which I hate, and THEN I experimented with drugs. What kind of testimony is that? get saved out of .. being a child, and then backslide so bad that I tried to be Atheist because I was mad at God and then get chastised so badly it disabled me and come back out of not being able to deny the truth anymore because I see His hand working in my life..... to slap me for being insolent? What kind of testimony is that? That won't lead anyone to God, it paints God as an abusive father and me as faithless for 10 years in the middle of my life. I tried to be an atheist but I still found myself talking to God in spite of it all, it was embarrassing. It's prodigal son acted out in real life rather than a parable.

and.. one of the things that I found helpful for medical conditions I have is... Cannabis. I can't testify to other people who might be having problems with drugs of abuse, while I use it as medicine because it calms inflammation and stops muscle spasms, other people use it to get high, I'm a horrible stumbling block to anyone in that situation.

In fact I mention that here and it's probably a stumbling block to someone or a reason for someone to doubt my beliefs, because they've been taught that that plant was created by Satan or something.

as for what I'm watching and praying for? Jesus.
because I know it's what this world needs, because this world is broken. I don't even expect to be happy in the next world and I still want it to happen anyway, because it's what's right and what will make everyone else happy. Even if I'm not among them in that. Even if I'm left alien in it. Even if John Piper is right and we are just singing and praising and I dislike that activity a lot.
at least it was what everyone else would be happy doing.

 

[The Righterzpen]

Well it's more than one. MS is one of two degenerative autoimmune diseases I have, the other is psoriatic arthritis, so.. you know ugly skin, and deformed joints that are fusing and growing bone spurs.
then, while I don't like to mention it, because some Pentecostals and charismatics literally think it's demonic possession, I'm on the autism spectrum. Someone else mentioned a son with a developmental disorder, which okay maybe they understand then how someone can feel like they were just born into the wrong universe and don't fit in or belong and just can't communicate or relate to other people effectively. I'm not so severely affected that I can't function at all, but it's enough to estrange and ostracize myself from other people. Enough that I feel totally alone when I'm in a huge crowd, like I don't fit in that crowd, even one that tries to be welcoming like Church.

I think the person who's son you are referring to is me.

Yes, though my son's developmental issue is because of epilepsy; the seizures have left him with autistic like communication challenges. Yeah, and in some ways, I'm sure my son does feel like he was "born in the wrong universe" too.

You said in the post above that you like to hear testimonies. Well, I got one posted on Fan Fiction that I'll leave you a link to. It might help you..... not feel like you're so alone in this world.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/8506219/1/Welcome-Home-My-Mini-AutoBiography