- Feb 5, 2002
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Not long after my husband and I got married, we started having conflicts about what it meant to be home in time for dinner. After negotiating what seemed like a reasonable compromise, we developed a routine: he’d be late, I’d get angry, he’d apologize, and then we would have a déjà vu moment a few weeks later.
This was just one of many areas of conflict. We disagreed on how much food to prepare when we had guests, how quickly bills should be paid, and how often we needed to visit our extended families. We also fought about who should do the laundry and who should get the oil changed.
The frequency and intensity of our conflicts confused us. We were both communicative and reasonably mature. Why did we clash so much on these seemingly incidental issues? The problem wasn’t simply that we were strong-willed and opinionated. Unbeknownst to us, we entered marriage with a moving van full of expectations.
Expectations, in and of themselves, aren’t evil. In fact, they can often be very good. They help us understand our basic needs and wants. They play a valuable role in marriage: if we can’t expect certain things from our spouse, our marriage is vulnerable to failure.
Every couple will have their own unique expectations, but I would argue that there are three non-negotiables for every marriage: fidelity, honesty, and forgiveness. Some other expectations Christopher and I have are that we’ll work through conflict in a timely fashion, spend reasonable amounts of time together, and equitably share household responsibilities.
Few would find fault with those expectations. But, if you have been married more than a month, you will immediately notice the potential problem with the additional expectations Christopher and I have. What exactly does “timely fashion” mean: an hour or a full day? Does “reasonable” refer to one evening a week or five? Who determines what’s “equitable”? Because none of us clearly define our terms before saying “I do,” there’s bound to disappointment and conflict connected to expectations. After twenty-five years of marriage I am convinced that we can reduce the intensity, duration, and frequency of these conflicts if we take the time to understand the expectations we bring into marriage.
Our Expectations Are Shaped at an Early Age
Continued below.
www.todayschristianwoman.com
This was just one of many areas of conflict. We disagreed on how much food to prepare when we had guests, how quickly bills should be paid, and how often we needed to visit our extended families. We also fought about who should do the laundry and who should get the oil changed.
The frequency and intensity of our conflicts confused us. We were both communicative and reasonably mature. Why did we clash so much on these seemingly incidental issues? The problem wasn’t simply that we were strong-willed and opinionated. Unbeknownst to us, we entered marriage with a moving van full of expectations.
Expectations, in and of themselves, aren’t evil. In fact, they can often be very good. They help us understand our basic needs and wants. They play a valuable role in marriage: if we can’t expect certain things from our spouse, our marriage is vulnerable to failure.
Every couple will have their own unique expectations, but I would argue that there are three non-negotiables for every marriage: fidelity, honesty, and forgiveness. Some other expectations Christopher and I have are that we’ll work through conflict in a timely fashion, spend reasonable amounts of time together, and equitably share household responsibilities.
Few would find fault with those expectations. But, if you have been married more than a month, you will immediately notice the potential problem with the additional expectations Christopher and I have. What exactly does “timely fashion” mean: an hour or a full day? Does “reasonable” refer to one evening a week or five? Who determines what’s “equitable”? Because none of us clearly define our terms before saying “I do,” there’s bound to disappointment and conflict connected to expectations. After twenty-five years of marriage I am convinced that we can reduce the intensity, duration, and frequency of these conflicts if we take the time to understand the expectations we bring into marriage.
Our Expectations Are Shaped at an Early Age
Continued below.
When Expectations Collide
Unspoken assumptions may be at the root of conflict and disappointment in your marriage.
www.todayschristianwoman.com
