Trying to restore Trust

[gwenevere]

I have gone thought the toughest trial God has given me. My husbandcomitted adultery and now we are trying to work things out. It's very hard becasue I'm trying my best to turst him but I don't. I forgave him but everything he did still hurt. I loved him feeling the luckiest wife in the world because I thought God gave me the best husband he created. I never thought he would do any wrong and would never hurt me. I still love him but now I love him diffrently. I'm sacred to open and give him all my heart again. I feel I have to be on gaurd so he won't hurt me. Does someone fully recover from all of the damage cause to a heart? When does a person stop crying from all the hurt? Can you full trust again? He's being really good to me right now but the hurt he casue is not going away. I don't show it when he is around. I enjoy when we are together. I know divorce is not something I want to go thought either.

 

[nowhereville]

I'm very sorry you find yourself. It's very hard when you find out that your mate has done something((s) you never dreamed possible. Trust me I know from experience.

On the one hand you expect that you will not be hurt, but in my case, I think it was unfair to have him on that sort of a pedastal. He wasn't supposed to sin and yet he is certainly human as am I.

You don't "need' to trust him right now - you can trust God. All of this sounds horrible I am sure as it sounds as though your pain is still very very fresh and new and I'm very sorry for that. Right now you probably can't trust him, but I know that you can trust God because of his character.

The pain will lesson as you are able to move into forgiveness, even though that seems impossible I know. It takes time and work from both of you. Your spouse will need to be sensitive to you in regard to building trust - what will help and what will hurt.

I've not gotten the resutls I thought I wanted, but I know that many people have.

I don't have a time frame.

Please keep posting as you need, it's very helpful to vent.

 

[Devasha]

I agree that trust in YHWH is what is needed. In fact, through this experience I've learned that there are some things that are to be set apart to YHWH alone--fear for one, and that is at the root of trying to trust those who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy.

I was able to set aside any need to trust my husband by trusting only in YHWH. Here are some verses He gave me to stand on:

Jeremiah 23:23 "Am I only a God nearby," declares the LORD, "and not a God far away?

Jeremiah 23:24 Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD. "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD.

Isaiah 58:8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness [your righteous One] will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Psalm 118:6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

I think you'll find that it helps to remember that He has your back.

We also have this instruction:

Matthew 10:16 I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.

Let YHWH keep track of what's going on behind your back and keep your eyes on Him instead of whatever the adversary tries to distract you with.

 

[Devasha]

Does someone fully recover from all of the damage cause to a heart?

We do recover, especially when we ask for a new heart:

Ezekiel 36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

But I don't think we ever go back to being who we were before, and that ends up being a good thing because we have actually been blessed with knowing the heart of YHWH--we now know in the most intimate way how He feels when we commit adultery (sin) against Him.

When does a person stop crying from all the hurt?

I don't cry about it anymore. I'm 4-1/2 years out from D-day (Discovery Day).

I think part of the process is learning 1 Corinthians 13 love. I remember realizing that the King James translation using the word "charity" was so true--True love as defined by the Creator is more like what we think of as charity: Giving without expecting anything in return.

 

[gwenevere]

I agree that trust in YHWH is what is needed. In fact, through this experience I've learned that there are some things that are to be set apart to YHWH alone--fear for one, and that is at the root of trying to trust those who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy.

I was able to set aside any need to trust my husband by trusting only in YHWH. Here are some verses He gave me to stand on:

Jeremiah 23:23 "Am I only a God nearby," declares the LORD, "and not a God far away?

Jeremiah 23:24 Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD. "Do I not fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD.

Isaiah 58:8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness [your righteous One] will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Psalm 118:6 The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?

I think you'll find that it helps to remember that He has your back.

We also have this instruction:

Matthew 10:16 I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.

Let YHWH keep track of what's going on behind your back and keep your eyes on Him instead of whatever the adversary tries to distract you with.

Thank you for the verses you gave me. This Sunday I found out my husband is doing coke. It hurt to see someone you love destroy himself. He said he's going to quite but I don't believe anything he says to me anymore. I know if I leave him he is going to get worse and no one is going to be there to help him. Then I might have to go and Identify his body. I don't know what to do. It's so much being thrown at me. I don't know how much more I can take.

 

[Devasha]

It's all designed by the enemy to produce exactly the confusion and despair you are feeling. Don't give him the satisfaction.

When I would get to that point, that's when I knew it was time to go back to basics: Seek first the Kingdom. If you can't do anything else, put on praise music and sing along.

We have to remember that we are in a battle. Here is a list of our weaponry (from Charlyne Steinkamp at www.rejoiceministries.org ):

To put on the Armor of God means to:

1. Gird your loins with Truth--know and understand the truth about
Christ and your relationship with Him.

2. Put on the breastplate of righteousness-it protects your
heart, your emotions, as you continue to grow in the Lord,
for the cleansing of guilt and sins through Jesus's Blood,
accepting and receiving your forgiveness of your sins.

3. Shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace--allow
the Peace of God to flood your mind, will and emotions.

4. Take up the shield of faith--Our defense is using our shield of
faith which we are able to quench the arrows of satan's plans
and schemes against us every day in the Name of Jesus.

5. Put on your helmet of salvation--This protects your thinking.
You know you are a child of God and that the devil will not
use your mind for his battlefield of fear and unbelief.

6. Take up the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. This is
your defense against the enemies attacks. Jesus always
responded, "It is written." Can you and I do less? Fight the
enemy with the Word of God spoken out loud proclaiming God's
victory by the Blood and mighty Name of Jesus.

Learn to pray and fight the enemy using your spiritual weapons which
are:

Word of God . . . . Read Hebrews 4:12, Ephesians 6:17
The Name of Jesus . . . . Read Matthew 28:18-20
Armor of God . . . . Read Ephesians 6:10-17
Love . . . . Read I Peter 4:8, I Corinthians 13:8
Hedge of Thornbushes . . . . Read Hosea 2:6-7
The Blood of the Lamb . . . . Read Revelation 12:10-12
Wall of Fire . . . . Read 2 Kings 6:16-17
Praise . . . . Read Psalm 8:1-2
Fasting . . . . Read Isaiah 58:6

You are in the Lord's army. Be proud and be dressed for duty and use
your weapons every day! God is greater than any of your enemies!

 

[imaniingod]

It's all designed by the enemy to produce exactly the confusion and despair you are feeling. Don't give him the satisfaction.

When I would get to that point, that's when I knew it was time to go back to basics: Seek first the Kingdom. If you can't do anything else, put on praise music and sing along.

We have to remember that we are in a battle. Here is a list of our weaponry (from Charlyne Steinkamp at www.rejoiceministries.org ):

This is a very helpful post thank you!

 

[mandrakethewhite]

So he says he's going to quit, but you don't trust him. Understandable. Given what you've stated, I wouldn't either.
I would suggest helping him to understand how seriously this is bothering you.

I'm sure that you've tried talking to him at this point, and probably to no avail. Have you checked into marriage counseling? I'd suggest telling him that you want the marriage to work, but that it is going to take just that: work. I'd also make the appointment for marriage counseling and tell the husband he's coming with you. (this isn't violating your position of submissiveness as his wife, it's holding him accountable) Once in front of the third party (since you already spoke with him one-on-one) let him no in certain terms that his behavior is unacceptable and must change. Forgiveness allows for demand of change (Jesus forgave and said "Go and sin no more.")

I hope that is somewhat helpful.

 

[Romanseight2005]

Have you sought out good biblical christian counseling with a female. Then when you feel strong enough see if your husband will go to counseling with you. But when you go with him, go to a male and female together. Besides getting past the betrayal, you will likely have thoughts about what he wants to do in his heart. For me it is not enough to know that he isn't cheating, but if he still desires it somewhere that can really hurt too. God is you resource and He will carry you through, but you still need to work through your feelings. If you don't you might end up like me. My husband didn't literally commit adultery, but while we were engaged he started looking and porn, and then masturbating. I realize literal adultery is worse, but I am not sure if it really would hurt more. The point is that God gave me the strength early in our relationship to deal with this, but I recently have had an onslought of emotion that I am still trying to sort out. For me it is not about the past, but about what is in his heart. He is quiet most of the time which makes it worse I urge you to start understanding your thoughts, feelings and emotions now. Ask God to lead you to the right counsel.
One more thing, what really carried me through was knowing that God loves us and we have been unfaithful to Him. he has forgiven us and restored us unto Him. So we are called to do this also. Ask God to help you.

 

[Romanseight2005]

We do recover, especially when we ask for a new heart:

Ezekiel 36:26 I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.

But I don't think we ever go back to being who we were before, and that ends up being a good thing because we have actually been blessed with knowing the heart of YHWH--we now know in the most intimate way how He feels when we commit adultery (sin) against Him.



I don't cry about it anymore. I'm 4-1/2 years out from D-day (Discovery Day).

I think part of the process is learning 1 Corinthians 13 love. I remember realizing that the King James translation using the word "charity" was so true--True love as defined by the Creator is more like what we think of as charity: Giving without expecting anything in return.

This gives me hope! I so much want things to be as they once were. Something has been stolen from us, and we can't get the intimacy back. Maybe one day we will truly have a deeper intimacy, but for now, we wait on the Lord.

 

[Devasha]

Something to remember about intimacy is that the intimacy that the betrayed felt during the relationship before discovering betrayal is still valid.

It may feel like everything was a big fat lie, but it helps to validate at least our part and our feelings as being real. Love is always a good thing, so we should never beat ourselves up emotionally for loving someone who has betrayed us.

After betrayal, a new intimacy needs to be established and built upon a new foundation with more realistic expectations based upon everything YHWH reveals to us along the way.

 

[Devasha]

I found formal counseling, even Christian counseling, to be unprofitable. When I made an appointment that he agreed to attend, he never showed, which is typical in such situations. (So don't be discouraged if that happens. )

I found that what I really needed was The Mighty Counselor. He created me and my husband and knows us better than anyone on this earth. He created and established marriage. He even knows the future!

In His Word and by His Spirit, He has given us everything we need for life and godliness, and I believe that includes everything we need to resolve our marital problems, which are in reality spiritual problems.

In addition, for support and encouragement, I sought out others with restored marriages who had been through what I was going through to learn how they had survived and what they learned along the way, and they really helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

2 Corinthians 1:3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort,

2 Corinthians 1:4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.

And now I've been blessed to be able to offer the comfort that I received.

 

[tizherself]

Just remember to have patience with yourself. I'm about 2 months past D-Day (what an appropriate name for it!) myself. There are so many times when I wish I had a "fast forward" button to just get through it right away. But I really think that even through the pain, the Lord is teaching us the whole time. Trust is so hard to rebuild - I am so suspicious of my husband especially when the phone rings, or when he has free time when I can't be there with him. But it does get better with time. I think about it less and less and my husband and I are trying to build the strong foundation that we obviously didn't have to begin with. Please give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Don't try to rush it or give yourself unreasonable deadlines. And when it seems too much, remember that all things are possible with God, that He has prosmised to be close to the broken hearted and that He is faithful to us when we ask for anything in line with His will. He will watch out for you. In the meantime, venting is such a relief, we've all been there so pour out your grief here. We're here for you! God bless.

 

[mancoach]

Yes, D-Day is quite appropriate. I used to refer to it as, "The day my wife dropped the bomb on me".

The most useful thing I did during that time was to get all my friends to pray for me and keep an eye on me. I knew that I was losing my mind, and that I might do somemthing stupid. It was bad enough that all the sensible sounding things I was doing seemed only to antagonize her. And I had a son to think about. Thsi wasn't just about us.

Well, long after I had begun to despair, my friends were still praying and keeping me from being alone. When she came back, it was totally unexpected, but it was the beginning of a long road back, for me.

Part of what made it so hard was that she still believed it was totally my fault, and never really apologized to my satisfaction. I was still being punished for simply not being good enough. It took me years to get free because I was so obsessed with being vindicated. Granted, I bore my obsession quietly, but it was eating me alive any way.

Finally, I grew tired of the pain. Jesus showed me that we had a great deal in common. He had a bride who was weak, too, but He loved her and gave Himself for her. I had to stop carrying my cross for myself, because He didn't carry His for Himself. He bore it for others.

I finally stopped waiting for her to agree with me. It didn't matter anymore. I would love her without conditions and go out of my way to make her happy.

Now, I am not saying that anyone should do this with a spouse who is actively destroying your marriage. I don't regret at all that I didn't make it easy for her to go out on me. It was afterward, when we were in the "Go and sin no more" stage of the relationship. I really struggled with the urge to throw stones...

 

[KingZzub]

Not only is Jesus capable of healing all hurt, he can make you a stronger, more gracious, more empowered person as you come through this.

Cheers,
|Z|

 

[gwenevere]

Thank you everone for your words.

 

[tizherself]

Did your spouse come forward about his sin, or did you find out on your own? Did he repent and break off all contact with this woman? Our counselor has really stressed to my husband that he needs to be transparent - meaning showing accountability for where he is and who he's with - answering his phone whenever I call, allowing me to go through his cell phone and any cell phone bills,listen to voice mail messages, looking through his car or in his dresser.... Showing me that he isn't hiding anything. And I do find that as time passes I need to do it less and less. I still have occasional set-backs, but my husbands willingness to open up everything helps. Your spouse needs to give you understanding, patience and support. He needs to be trying at least as hard as you do. And I have found that counseling has helped. Our counselor is a wonderful Christian, and the sessions give us a "safe" environment to air what needs to be aired and a faith-based outside perspective on how we can rebuild. It might not work for every couple, but this is your heart and your marriage, it's worth giving a try.

 

[Devasha]

Some wayward spouses seem to "get it" right away, but from what I've observed that is a rare thing. Most seem to stay in a fog of rationalization for varying lengths of time.

In my case, my husband did confess and appeared to repent, but that was just the first of many D-days. He said he broke off all contact, only for me to discover again and again that he had not. It was excruciating.

It was only when I stopped putting any faith in him and what he said and ONLY in YHWH and His Word that I was able to find any peace.

After nearly 4 years of waiting for my husband to "get it", I finally gave up (long story of how I got to that point). He still didn't completely get it until some time AFTER I left him and was planning to marry someone else.

 

[gwenevere]

I don't know if you understand but I feel betrayed. I have only trusted one person in this world. One person that knew eveything about me. I put all my trust and faith and love on one person and that was my husband. I'm mad and it still hurts very much everything he did but I don't think he understands that. I hate that I don't trust him, I wish I could but I don't. I'm always checking the house to see if she send him more stuff. I'm checking to see if he hid any drugs around the house. When he records love song I'm think if he's thinking of her. I wish he would call me as much as he called her. Taking to her for more then 3000 minutes on the cell phone. I'm mad that he talked to her for 3 hours in our anniversary and only called me for 2 min. Same thing with Christmas and Valentine. He told me so many times he stop communicating with her just to find out he didn't. He said he was going to stop talking to her because thats what I wanted. He made it sound like he didn't see a problem talking to her after everything that happen, that I was the one with the problem. He's tells others and preaches to them that "If a relationship feels wrong it's because it wrong." but he won't take his own advice. He feels he can sin all he want because he has a free pass to heaven because I accepted God in his heart. So he doesn't see anythinkg wrong in doing drug, drinking and having inapropiate relationships. Everything is so hard. I just can forget from one day to another all the hurtful things he said and all the rejection I got for so many months. I hate that he did this. I hate it that my husband is the one that hurt me the most in my entire life. I trusted him, I trusted him completly. I've had a rough time growing up. I never thought I would have anything good in my life. I thought finally I got something good in mylife form God but it ended up just like everything else in my life but worse. I guess I'm now mad but I do forgive him but the hurt is still there. I want my marriage to work, I just need so much help from God.

 

[Devasha]

I don't know if you understand but I feel betrayed.

I definitely understand. My first husband committed adultery, and a big part of why I married my second husband was because he also had been betrayed by his previous wife and could describe the hell that it was being a betrayed spouse, so I believed I was safer with him.

At least with my first husband, I could imagine he didn't realize what he was inflicting on me. With my second husband, I had no choice but to face the fact that he KNEW exactly what he was doing to me and did it anyway.

I have only trusted one person in this world. One person that knew eveything about me. I put all my trust and faith and love on one person and that was my husband.

Again, ditto. I let my 2nd husband in completely where I had not with my 1st husband. I even applied all the lessons I had learned from my failed 1st marriage, all to no avail.

I'm mad and it still hurts very much everything he did but I don't think he understands that. I hate that I don't trust him, I wish I could but I don't.

There is absolutely no reason to trust him, and if we was out of the fog, he would know and accept that.

I'm always checking the house to see if she send him more stuff. I'm checking to see if he hid any drugs around the house. When he records love song I'm think if he's thinking of her.

This kind of thing will drive you crazy. I know it's a stage we all go through, but the sooner you can let go and put your trust in YHWH to have your back, the easier it will get.

That was a real turning point for me to just accept where my husband was at the time and that there was nothing I could do about it. To put him in YHWH's hands, who knows everything, and just stay out of His way while He dealt with him.

I wish he would call me as much as he called her. Taking to her for more then 3000 minutes on the cell phone. I'm mad that he talked to her for 3 hours in our anniversary and only called me for 2 min. Same thing with Christmas and Valentine. He told me so many times he stop communicating with her just to find out he didn't.

I know exactly what you mean. At one point, in answer to my request, he wrote out a whole narrative of the affair, and when I read it I thought how sad it was that if he had only given me even a smidgeon of the attention and affection he gave her, the affair probably would have never happened because of course I would have responded the same way she did. But he chose to invest in that relationship instead of in our marriage, and that is a very common thing.

He said he was going to stop talking to her because thats what I wanted. He made it sound like he didn't see a problem talking to her after everything that happen, that I was the one with the problem.

It works best to just let this stuff go. Somewhere deep down they know better, but when we keep after that stuff, they just use it as an excuse to rationalize what they're doing wrong.

He's tells others and preaches to them that "If a relationship feels wrong it's because it wrong." but he won't take his own advice. He feels he can sin all he want because he has a free pass to heaven because I accepted God in his heart. So he doesn't see anythinkg wrong in doing drug, drinking and having inapropiate relationships.

He is bound by the cords of his sin, so he cannot see the light.

Everything is so hard.

It is definitely the hardest thing I've ever had to live through.

I just can forget from one day to another all the hurtful things he said and all the rejection I got for so many months. I hate that he did this. I hate it that my husband is the one that hurt me the most in my entire life. I trusted him, I trusted him completly.

One thing that really helped me, especially since my husband was so fogged up, was to write all these feelings and thoughts in a journal. I wrote everything as if I was talking directly to him. This helped me to keep my peace when I was around him.

I've had a rough time growing up. I never thought I would have anything good in my life. I thought finally I got something good in mylife form God but it ended up just like everything else in my life but worse. I guess I'm now mad but I do forgive him but the hurt is still there. I want my marriage to work, I just need so much help from God.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You really have a much better attitude, though, than I did at the same stage, so that will help you in the long run. Just recognizing the fact that only YHWH is able to see us through this is a big step you've already taken. It helps to kind of take a break from the marital drama and just focus on Yeshua as your husband for a while.