Struggling as the child of an autistic dad

[coffee]

I love Jesus and my family deeply, as do both of my parents. However my dad has undiagnosed Asperger's and doesn't realise it. I don't remember a single time in my life when my dad has shown legitimate affection or understood that I experience real feelings that are different to the feelings that he is experiencing.

I reached breaking point yesterday when I spoke to him intending to ask for professional help for some mental health difficulties I had been having, but instead he started arguing with me about the word choice I was using and then accused me of starting an argument rather than a dialogue. After I was hurt by that he then accused me of not respecting him, despite the fact that I was simply asking for help as I had been suffering.

Does anyone else have advice for how to deal with this difficult situation? I want to have a good relationship with my parents but also I'd love for them to accept me as a real human being and to be able to receive the support I need.

 

[Jonaitis]

I love Jesus and my family deeply, as do both of my parents. However my dad has undiagnosed Asperger's and doesn't realise it. I don't remember a single time in my life when my dad has shown legitimate affection or understood that I experience real feelings that are different to the feelings that he is experiencing.

I reached breaking point yesterday when I spoke to him intending to ask for professional help for some mental health difficulties I had been having, but instead he started arguing with me about the word choice I was using and then accused me of starting an argument rather than a dialogue. After I was hurt by that he then accused me of not respecting him, despite the fact that I was simply asking for help as I had been suffering.

Does anyone else have advice for how to deal with this difficult situation? I want to have a good relationship with my parents but also I'd love for them to accept me as a real human being and to be able to receive the support I need.

You sound exactly like my brother, there is constant friction (like tonight) between him and our father who is undiagnosed. We have all encouraged him that he should get a diagnosis, but some of my family, like my grandmother, plays it off as stress and other things. He clearly has it. I have Aspergers, I was diagnosed as a boy. The characteristics I have are strikingly the same, but more mild, than my father's.

Honestly, I don't know what to recommend except convincing him of getting a medical diagnosis and therapy for it. It is difficult, especially when they don't want to hear you out.

 

[Sal Robinson]

This such a tough situation


all I can say is that what you must go through on what must be a daily basis is nothing compared to what I go through

I get so annoyed at people being inconsiderate and not empathetic, and hearing you deal with it with your dad a soften as you do

my heart goes out to you brother

Remember that when you get upset, it's because your dad's in the wrong. God give you the strength to deal with what you deal with


It's so hard that we can't change people

You have my prayers friend

God Bless you

 

[Sabertooth]

I have Aspergers ASD1. My dad most likely did, too. And I have children across the whole spectrum [ASD1-ASD3].

Even if your dad never gets diagnosed, it is a good idea for you to learn everything that you can about ASD [Autism Spectrum Disorder]. I have some USA resources. There may be similar content available in the UK.

 

[Amittai]

Many people of all sorts both fixate on one level of and ignore the rest of what we are saying. I remember a brush-off from a church elder when I was trying to take an intelligent part in proceedings, which was needed by the situation, and I still remember feeling sliced through.

Your dad has to pose as "responsible parent", "man of the world" and the emotional intensity of someone else's emotional intensity is making him freeze.

I would suggest some lateral thinking and planning, to catch his attention in a low key way, and approach the question step by step. See the two of you as probable on-and-off collaborators and not him as "the" fixer.

It's as if he doesn't understand your German and you have to think out your French extra well to say something.

Organisational grooves can't appear as magic. And officialdom is often as nonplussed as we are.

Your dad is as much scared rigid by current developments as anyone.

As you model more innovations, perhaps he'll catch on to some of them slowly.

Chunk all the affairs of life down into smaller components, a workplace coach used to tell me and some others.

I found the works of Donna Wliiams, among many others, of great illumination at my intuitive and concrete level, once I diagnosed myself Asperger 23 years ago.

You and I can also pray that there will be more people in your life, to join in such roles. Our Father said!

I keep saying to myself, life is a bloomin marvel altogether, with its dark and light colours.