Short-Tempered Bride and Mother

[Kalashnikovmage]

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to ask for some advice on a challenge I have been struggling with as both a father and a husband.

My wife and I have 4 kids (ranging from infant to 14) and a furbaby. The long and the short of my issue is: my wife is quick to raise her voice and yell at our children, so much that it is a daily occurrence that is sadly driving me to darker thoughts.

My main concern is that now I see my children adopting a similar approach to their behaviors and confrontations at home. My secondary concern is that I don't want my children to remember their mother this way. My third concern is that it's always a ripple effect because then I get upset when she is always upset or yelling.

I pray about this issue frequently. I've also confronted my wife about it and she is very quick to get defensive and put some of the blame on me since my approach to parenting is more passive and reserved. I acknowledge that the root cause is the poor behavior of our kids that sets her off, but I still believe she can manage the situation much better.

I just don't know what to do or say anymore... Thank you.

 

[sandman]

Yelling is generally done for a few reasons ...Frustration, unrelated other things going on, and the kids don't listen the first time.
The correction to the last one is "mean what you say the first time".....not the second or third time when it escalates to yelling. If there are consequences to instruction, follow through the first time.....do not make idol threats...ever.
Instructing those who are old enough to understand Ephesians 6:1-3 will definitely benefit them as per verse 3
1.Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right.
2.Honour thy father and mother; which is the first commandment with promise;
3.That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth.

As for the first two things.... That is a job for you to figure out ..is it medication is it disenchantment with other things in her life ... or is it strictly the kids.

 

[grasping the after wind]

Hi Everyone,

I wanted to ask for some advice on a challenge I have been struggling with as both a father and a husband.

My wife and I have 4 kids (ranging from infant to 14) and a furbaby. The long and the short of my issue is: my wife is quick to raise her voice and yell at our children, so much that it is a daily occurrence that is sadly driving me to darker thoughts.

My main concern is that now I see my children adopting a similar approach to their behaviors and confrontations at home. My secondary concern is that I don't want my children to remember their mother this way. My third concern is that it's always a ripple effect because then I get upset when she is always upset or yelling.

I pray about this issue frequently. I've also confronted my wife about it and she is very quick to get defensive and put some of the blame on me since my approach to parenting is more passive and reserved. I acknowledge that the root cause is the poor behavior of our kids that sets her off, but I still believe she can manage the situation much better.

I just don't know what to do or say anymore... Thank you.

You and your wife need to be on the same page. If she believes you are not engaged enough in the disciplining of your children take her concerns seriously and examine your approach to child rearing before criticizing hers. If you are satisfied with how, you are performing then tell her your philosophy and ask her why she disagrees with it. Come to some sort of compromise that works. If you cannot do this by yourselves, seek professional help. These things should ideally be worked out prior to having any children but they rarely are because most young single people are clueless as to what makes a good marriage or who would be a suitable life partner for them.

 

[mama2one]

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[timf]

There is an expression (count to 10) that has been applied to those who have a hair trigger with their response time.

This can be a useful tool to shift from acting on an emotional impulse to switching over to a reasoned one.

You wife might be open to experimenting with a short delay before addressing a discipline issue.

 

[*LILAC]

She needs to be mindful to not be provoking children through her yelling. Everyone misses out on Ephesians 6:4 because they think being honoured is more important. Also, in Colossians 3:21. Parents don't have a right to tick off the kids, either. So we often need to check ourselves.

I used to be a yeller and I absolutely hated it. I did it because I was only ever yelled at growing up at home. Since becoming a parent myself, I've had to learn new things and not repeat the old, ugly habits. God has since dealt with me and I have to work to keep peace in the family. Be the example you want the kids to be.

 

[tturt]

Rather than confront your wife, you could discuss it with her.

Pro 15;1 says a soft answer turns away wrath. To me that means to speak softly and it might not impact immediately but stick with it. Also, speak life words.

Another suggestion following this Scripture - I have found apologizing at the beginning of a disagreement encourages good outcomes. SORRY My tone - My words - my lack of understanding - whatever is the case.



We need to armor up (Eph 6:10-18).

 

[Enilorac]

Yelling at my children never worked. However, the minute I got quiet they would listen and obey. As they grew, I asked them why yelling never worked with them. Their very honest answer was that they almost liked getting yelled at, it showed that they could get under my skin and make me lose my marbles. In other words, they discovered that they had the power to spin me up and they enjoyed that power. So, I asked them why they'd essentially jump to obey when I got quiet. Their answer was that they knew that they hadn't gotten under my skin and I was serious. It works with my students and is a very important tool in my classroom management toolbox. One of my classes (I teach high school STEM classes) was just about out of control at the beginning of the year. Due to a medical issue (I broke my ankle and had to have surgery), I was teaching that class remotely. Hard to discipline with an aide in the room while I tried to teach 17 9th & 10th graders over video. They didn't know when I'd be back in person and it happened quickly and quietly. They got no notice. So...my first day back I sat in the back of the room where they wouldn't notice me. Their true colors showed. So, I stood up and quietly (but with force) told them to sit down. I then told them how it was going to be in my classroom and the penalties for misbehavior. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't yell. It was pretty much a conversational tone. BUT...they also figured out I wasn't playing. The kid who blew off the class, that is, sat and played on his phone, the young lady who'd drop her stuff off and leave the room, the kids who spent the class talking and playing...well...no more. The kid who sat and played now joins in class discussion. The young lady who would skip hasn't walked out. The kids who talked and played are now paying attention.

Try it!