Sexual issues and depressed please help

[Petros2015]

Do you have any tips for making friends then? I'm very shy and at uni I usually sit alone. I think it would be weird if I just started speaking to people all of a sudden.

Ok, stop doing that. In your classes, sit at the front, one of the front two rows. The best and most interested students in each class (male and female) will be there. Participate in the class as much as possible without disrupting things, ask questions. If there's something you don't understand, lean over and ask the person next to you if it makes sense to them. Either they'll agree with you that is confusing, or they may offer a quick explanation. If there's a test coming up, say you are looking for study partners. Actually try to put a study group together of two or three people who want to do well in the class (and make sure you are one of them).

Start looking for extra-curricular activities, bands, plays, etc going on around campus that are interesting. See if anyone you meet is interested in attending. That sort of thing. You can either try to fit into a group or assemble one yourself

 

[pantingdeer]

Ok, stop doing that. In your classes, sit at the front, one of the front two rows. The best and most interested students in each class (male and female) will be there. Participate in the class as much as possible without disrupting things, ask questions. If there's something you don't understand, lean over and ask the person next to you if it makes sense to them. Either they'll agree with you that is confusing, or they may offer a quick explanation. If there's a test coming up, say you are looking for study partners. Actually try to put a study group together of two or three people who want to do well in the class (and make sure you are one of them).

Start looking for extra-curricular activities, bands, plays, etc going on around campus that are interesting. See if anyone you meet is interested in attending. That sort of thing. You can either try to fit into a group or assemble one yourself

Is it ok to go to pubs and nightclubs?

 

[pantingdeer]

Ok, stop doing that. In your classes, sit at the front, one of the front two rows. The best and most interested students in each class (male and female) will be there. Participate in the class as much as possible without disrupting things, ask questions. If there's something you don't understand, lean over and ask the person next to you if it makes sense to them. Either they'll agree with you that is confusing, or they may offer a quick explanation. If there's a test coming up, say you are looking for study partners. Actually try to put a study group together of two or three people who want to do well in the class (and make sure you are one of them).

Start looking for extra-curricular activities, bands, plays, etc going on around campus that are interesting. See if anyone you meet is interested in attending. That sort of thing. You can either try to fit into a group or assemble one yourself

Those tips are really helpful! One thing. Do you recommend me moving out? I travel to uni instead of living at the campus. Do you think I'd make more friends if I lived at the campus?

 

[pantingdeer]

Ok, stop doing that. In your classes, sit at the front, one of the front two rows. The best and most interested students in each class (male and female) will be there. Participate in the class as much as possible without disrupting things, ask questions. If there's something you don't understand, lean over and ask the person next to you if it makes sense to them. Either they'll agree with you that is confusing, or they may offer a quick explanation. If there's a test coming up, say you are looking for study partners. Actually try to put a study group together of two or three people who want to do well in the class (and make sure you are one of them).

Start looking for extra-curricular activities, bands, plays, etc going on around campus that are interesting. See if anyone you meet is interested in attending. That sort of thing. You can either try to fit into a group or assemble one yourself

I already sit at the front and I am probably among the top performers in the year.

 

[pantingdeer]

Ok, stop doing that. In your classes, sit at the front, one of the front two rows. The best and most interested students in each class (male and female) will be there. Participate in the class as much as possible without disrupting things, ask questions. If there's something you don't understand, lean over and ask the person next to you if it makes sense to them. Either they'll agree with you that is confusing, or they may offer a quick explanation. If there's a test coming up, say you are looking for study partners. Actually try to put a study group together of two or three people who want to do well in the class (and make sure you are one of them).

Start looking for extra-curricular activities, bands, plays, etc going on around campus that are interesting. See if anyone you meet is interested in attending. That sort of thing. You can either try to fit into a group or assemble one yourself

I might start tutoring people for some income.

 

[Petros2015]

Those tips are really helpful! One thing. Do you recommend me moving out? I travel to uni instead of living at the campus. Do you think I'd make more friends if I lived at the campus?

Yes, I would highly encourage that; live on campus - you will immediately have some house or dormmates. They may be friends or they may be (insert expletive lol) but you'll get more exposure to other circles, and it should be good.

Is it ok to go to pubs and nightclubs?

Yes and no - I developed a problem with alcoholism when I got to college and had my first exposure to it, and it had a big impact on my studies, life, short lived marriage, etc. You are struggling with depression, and alcohol has an immediate 'light you up, all problems are G*O*N*E*!' effect at first. It may also put 'the beer goggles' on you and suddenly light up some attraction you say you are looking for. BUT. And never forget this - it *is* a depressant. So be very, *very* careful about alcohol consumption if you choose to drink. Go to places with people for socialization, or to see something you really want to see or are interested in (and don't drink alone, or to excess with others). You may be vulnerable to alcoholism based on what you have said here, and I don't want that for you. Ultimately it works by *decreasing* your ability to feel joy when you are *not* intoxicated, and that is a bad place to get to, especially since it increases denial and anxiety as you go along. Really nasty trap, some people never make it out and it takes them all the way to bottoms you would not believe. Coping mechanisms for life and growth, relationships with self, others and God MUST be developed while you are sober, or else they are not developed AT ALL. Don't drink to get drunk, no more than a few drinks on occasion with company. Halt immediately if you find yourself drinking to the point of blackout or vomitting, you might not be able to resume. Some portion of the population is particularly prone to alcoholism and does not have the 'brake fluid' in their brains that other people have. I'm one of them.

I already sit at the front and I am probably among the top performers in the year. (might start turtoring people)

That is a great idea - I'm sure you have a lot to offer people, so start offering it Ask God to show you how to be a blessing to others every day, and you will start seeing things and people and places for you to be.

 

[keepwatch]

"I haven't tried any of those things before and don't really know what they are or how they'd help - a physciatrist doesn't care about you they only care about being paid."

Computerised CBT could be for you, it helps you to recognise thought patterns as they happen and to question them so that when they happen again you recognise them for what they are (eg - meeting new people: thinking they won't like you - feeling nervous because of thought - leaving because it doesn't feel nice) and then breaking that cycle. If you sign up through your local IAPT on the NHS (I hope you have one) the involvement of another person is minimal (a 30 minute phone call once a week to see how you are doing). You can self refer online (I suggest googling "IAPT" followed by your area) so you don't even need to see your GP. There are probably Christian based CBT courses out there but I haven't got any experience of those.

There is a book which helped me to understand why I felt the way I did and what was happening to me, maybe it will help you? I'm new round here so I hope I'm not breaking any rules... it is called "Overcoming Depresion: A self-help guide to using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques" by Paul Gilbert, the first half of which explains why our minds work the way they do and how depression can take a hold.

"I told my mum I had depression so I could maybe get psychiatric help but she says she doesn't believe in that stuff - she thinks it's demonic."

I'm sorry to hear that, what do you believe? I can only say that psychiatric institutions do sometimes have to call in the exorcist (at least in the UK) but that is very rare and rarer still for an actual exorcism to take place. Why would psychiatrists work with exorcists if the psychiatrists were demonic? LUKE 11:18.

"She also doesn't believe in going to the doctor for depression help. She says there's nothing drugs can do,"

The drugs can help some people, but these days they are recommended only as a last resort (at least in the UK they should be). They like to explore the more holistic options first. As an aside - did you know that Luke (the writer of the Gospel of Luke and the Acts of the Apostles, was a physician?).

"she says it's because there's a void left by the absence of Jesus in your life."

Jesus has been a part of my life for all 37 years of it, for the last 15 years He has been a very real presence and overshadowing (in a good way) part. That didn't change the fact that for 25 years I was suffering from depression and didn't know it (I believe he carried me) and now I am freeing myself (with His help and the help of people who have studied these things) from depression, my spiritual life is becoming richer and my desire to grow ever closer to God is growing (as I wanted it to be and as I prayed for it to be). It is not unusual for a Christian to suffer from depression, so perhaps that isn't the whole truth?

I know you want to "have fun" and I would ask you to seriously consider what that "fun" would profit you? (and are you really sure, "the grass is always greener"). Perhaps when the time is right and you have met the right person you may find that are glad that you didn't do as everybody at university did?

Nevertheless if you want to get control over your problem you may need to do something to help yourself.

I pray that you get the help you need, in whatever form it takes.

God bless you in Christ Jesus.

 

[pantingdeer]

Yes, I would highly encourage that; live on campus - you will immediately have some house or dormmates. They may be friends or they may be (insert expletive lol) but you'll get more exposure to other circles, and it should be good.



Yes and no - I developed a problem with alcoholism when I got to college and had my first exposure to it, and it had a big impact on my studies, life, short lived marriage, etc. You are struggling with depression, and alcohol has an immediate 'light you up, all problems are G*O*N*E*!' effect at first. It may also put 'the beer goggles' on you and suddenly light up some attraction you say you are looking for. BUT. And never forget this - it *is* a depressant. So be very, *very* careful about alcohol consumption if you choose to drink. Go to places with people for socialization, or to see something you really want to see or are interested in (and don't drink alone, or to excess with others). You may be vulnerable to alcoholism based on what you have said here, and I don't want that for you. Ultimately it works by *decreasing* your ability to feel joy when you are *not* intoxicated, and that is a bad place to get to, especially since it increases denial and anxiety as you go along. Really nasty trap, some people never make it out and it takes them all the way to bottoms you would not believe. Coping mechanisms for life and growth, relationships with self, others and God MUST be developed while you are sober, or else they are not developed AT ALL. Don't drink to get drunk, no more than a few drinks on occasion with company. Halt immediately if you find yourself drinking to the point of blackout or vomitting, you might not be able to resume. Some portion of the population is particularly prone to alcoholism and does not have the 'brake fluid' in their brains that other people have. I'm one of them.



That is a great idea - I'm sure you have a lot to offer people, so start offering it Ask God to show you how to be a blessing to others every day, and you will start seeing things and people and places for you to be.

I have never drunk alcohol before but maybe I should to get myself in better social situations.

 

[pantingdeer]

"I haven't tried any of those things before and don't really know what they are or how they'd help - a physciatrist doesn't care about you they only care about being paid."

Computerised CBT could be for you, it helps you to recognise thought patterns as they happen and to question them so that when they happen again you recognise them for what they are (eg - meeting new people: thinking they won't like you - feeling nervous because of thought - leaving because it doesn't feel nice) and then breaking that cycle. If you sign up through your local IAPT on the NHS (I hope you have one) the involvement of another person is minimal (a 30 minute phone call once a week to see how you are doing). You can self refer online (I suggest googling "IAPT" followed by your area) so you don't even need to see your GP. There are probably Christian based CBT courses out there but I haven't got any experience of those.

There is a book which helped me to understand why I felt the way I did and what was happening to me, maybe it will help you? I'm new round here so I hope I'm not breaking any rules... it is called "Overcoming Depresion: A self-help guide to using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques" by Paul Gilbert, the first half of which explains why our minds work the way they do and how depression can take a hold.

"I told my mum I had depression so I could maybe get psychiatric help but she says she doesn't believe in that stuff - she thinks it's demonic."

I'm sorry to hear that, what do you believe? I can only say that psychiatric institutions do sometimes have to call in the exorcist (at least in the UK) but that is very rare and rarer still for an actual exorcism to take place. Why would psychiatrists work with exorcists if the psychiatrists were demonic? LUKE 11:18.

"She also doesn't believe in going to the doctor for depression help. She says there's nothing drugs can do,"

The drugs can help some people, but these days they are recommended only as a last resort (at least in the UK they should be). They like to explore the more holistic options first. As an aside - did you know that Luke (the writer of the Gospel of Luke and the Acts of the Apostles, was a physician?).

"she says it's because there's a void left by the absence of Jesus in your life."

Jesus has been a part of my life for all 37 years of it, for the last 15 years He has been a very real presence and overshadowing (in a good way) part. That didn't change the fact that for 25 years I was suffering from depression and didn't know it (I believe he carried me) and now I am freeing myself (with His help and the help of people who have studied these things) from depression, my spiritual life is becoming richer and my desire to grow ever closer to God is growing (as I wanted it to be and as I prayed for it to be). It is not unusual for a Christian to suffer from depression, so perhaps that isn't the whole truth?

I know you want to "have fun" and I would ask you to seriously consider what that "fun" would profit you? (and are you really sure, "the grass is always greener"). Perhaps when the time is right and you have met the right person you may find that are glad that you didn't do as everybody at university did?

Nevertheless if you want to get control over your problem you may need to do something to help yourself.

I pray that you get the help you need, in whatever form it takes.

God bless you in Christ Jesus.

By "fun" I mean enjoying myself. Having a good group of friends who I love to be around and also to have my feelings return so I can have female companions. I would love to have one.

 

[Petros2015]

I have never drunk alcohol before but maybe I should to get myself in better social situations.

Hoboy. Please keep in mind everything that I said in my previous post.

 

[pantingdeer]

what do you believe?

I dunno. I believe in God but I have stopped going to church cause I find it a bit boring and the people there a bit judgemental. There are a lot of people there who speak very badly about gay people etc when I personally don't hate the people but hate the act of hoomosexuality itself.
I struggled with my faith for many years now. Until I was about 15 my faith was very strong and God/Jesus felt very real to me and I had great fear of them. Nowadays I worry about my eternal fate but I never do anything about it as I can't seem to get myself interested in it again (as in can't take it as seriously as before for some reason.)

Nowadays I'm lost, alone and hurt because lack of friends, feelings for women and poor faith.

 

[pantingdeer]

Hoboy. Please keep in mind everything that I said in my previous post.

What does hoboy mean? I didn't necessarily mean get drunk. I meant go to clubs and have a drink or two and buy women the odd drink. things like that, nothing too serious.

 

[keepwatch]

I think Petros meant by "Hoboy" that you should go easy on the alcohol if you haven't drunk before, your first drinks are always going to have a stronger effect than it would once you become used to the sensations. Maybe you won't even like it which could make your other problems worse.

Sorry to Petros if I got that wrong.

 

[keepwatch]

By "what do you believe" I meant that your mum might think that psychiatry is demonic, but do you? You are an adult now and your life is your own responsibility.

 

[pantingdeer]

By "what do you believe" I meant that your mum might think that psychiatry is demonic, but do you? You are an adult now and your life is your own responsibility.

If then hypnotise you then I don't want to be part of that at all.

 

[keepwatch]

No hypnosis is not a part of CBT.

 

[Petros2015]

What does hoboy mean? I didn't necessarily mean get drunk. I meant go to clubs and have a drink or two and buy women the odd drink. things like that, nothing too serious.

Yeah, the danger is that once you get inebriated for the first time you suddenly realize "I like being inebriated more than I like being sober". Which doesn't happen to everyone, but was my experience. So you start to check out and resent the times that you have to be sober. I just don't want to see you down the road being married to someone and thinking "do I only love you when I'm drunk?" and then realizing, "How would I know? I'm always drunk." That's not a good place to be.

Just be careful, it is a very powerful, ubiquitous and subtle drug. The more you love life and living sober, the safer it is for you. Just don't use it TO love life. That will seem like it is working for a while, but the end is disaster.

Also, until I entered AA I never considered drinking to be a selfish act. For most people, it isn't. But for me, that's what it became - chemically altering my reality to suit me where I was, instead of participating and growing in it.

 

[pantingdeer]

Yeah, the danger is that once you get inebriated for the first time you suddenly realize "I like being inebriated more than I like being sober". Which doesn't happen to everyone, but was my experience. So you start to check out and resent the times that you have to be sober. I just don't want to see you down the road being married to someone and thinking "do I only love you when I'm drunk?" and then realizing, "How would I know? I'm always drunk." That's not a good place to be.

Just be careful, it is a very powerful, ubiquitous and subtle drug. The more you love life and living sober, the safer it is for you. Just don't use it TO love life. That will seem like it is working for a while, but the end is disaster.

Also, until I entered AA I never considered drinking to be a selfish act. For most people, it isn't. But for me, that's what it became - chemically altering my reality to suit me where I was, instead of participating and growing in it.

Why do people from uni who drink a lot not get addicted then and is there a reason you think I would be likely to become addicted.
Do you think there is anything wrong in socialising in this way with non-Christians. I really want to make friendships and develop my feelings for women again as I used to have strongly.

 

[pantingdeer]

Yes, I would highly encourage that; live on campus - you will immediately have some house or dormmates. They may be friends or they may be (insert expletive lol) but you'll get more exposure to other circles, and it should be good.



Yes and no - I developed a problem with alcoholism when I got to college and had my first exposure to it, and it had a big impact on my studies, life, short lived marriage, etc. You are struggling with depression, and alcohol has an immediate 'light you up, all problems are G*O*N*E*!' effect at first. It may also put 'the beer goggles' on you and suddenly light up some attraction you say you are looking for. BUT. And never forget this - it *is* a depressant. So be very, *very* careful about alcohol consumption if you choose to drink. Go to places with people for socialization, or to see something you really want to see or are interested in (and don't drink alone, or to excess with others). You may be vulnerable to alcoholism based on what you have said here, and I don't want that for you. Ultimately it works by *decreasing* your ability to feel joy when you are *not* intoxicated, and that is a bad place to get to, especially since it increases denial and anxiety as you go along. Really nasty trap, some people never make it out and it takes them all the way to bottoms you would not believe. Coping mechanisms for life and growth, relationships with self, others and God MUST be developed while you are sober, or else they are not developed AT ALL. Don't drink to get drunk, no more than a few drinks on occasion with company. Halt immediately if you find yourself drinking to the point of blackout or vomitting, you might not be able to resume. Some portion of the population is particularly prone to alcoholism and does not have the 'brake fluid' in their brains that other people have. I'm one of them.



That is a great idea - I'm sure you have a lot to offer people, so start offering it Ask God to show you how to be a blessing to others every day, and you will start seeing things and people and places for you to be.

Do you still have alchohol problem or do you get over it?

 

[Petros2015]

Do you still have alchohol problem or do you get over it?

I don't know if you will develop one or not; a lot of people try to self-medicate depression (which you have said you have) with alcohol so when you said you had never tried it before and you are already 20, if you do I want you to be careful and not do what I do. Also, the more social relations people have, the less likely they are to fall into addictions, it doesn't sound to me like you have a strong social network. Alcohol tends to present itself as a magic 'cure-all' at first. The danger comes when it gets used as a coping mechanism; no other real coping mechanisms develop and it becomes the primary one. Emotional, social and spiritual growth stops.

It's kind of like, instead of an egg hatching into a bird, the egg just sits that way and becomes eventually a spoiled, rotten, egg.

The process takes some time of course; some it takes quickly, some it takes slowly. I assure you some of the heavy drinkers at uni won't finish uni and will go on to have lifelong problems with it, assuming they didn't already before they got there.

Just be careful and keep these things in mind, it's a big part of socialization in our culture. Don't let it be the main part of your socialization or the main part of your anything. If you suspect you have a problem with it, stop. If you have a problem stopping, seek help doing so. AA worked for me.

Do I still have an alcohol problem? I got sober in AA 6/6/2013. I go to meetings 3 times a week and I work with other people who are trying to stay sober but can't, because drinking it pretty much all they ever learned to do to cope with life. If I were to drink again, I don't know what would happen. Everytime I have done this and said, "I will have only a little", usually I have only a little that time. But then, a day or two later, I go back and have more. And more is not enough. I am no longer able to control it if I compromise with it. So I don't compromise with it. And so there's no problem

As a side note, I have lots of friends now; my phone is full of alcoholics and addicts and felons and other riff-raff like me Most of my day and life when I am not at work is spent helping others. If I'm lonely, I can always find a meeting of people. I have 3 sponsees who are really interesting human beings and other people that I know and love.

Who would have thought?