I am also struggling to believe that God wants a relationship with me and also doubts.
I have said and thought a lot of curses in my life, more curses than blessings.
Recently, I started reading a book "Wounded by Love" by Saint Porphyrious who talked about his spiritual journey
I would not have known the book, but that someone quoted him on this forum
It had a lot of the answers I needed and you can find much of it online
(the section that effected me the most was "Divine Eros" but I have not finished the book yet)
If I had said 1 curse every day for 50 years that would be 365x50 = 18,250 curses
(I don't know that I cursed every day, sometimes I did not, but sometimes many more than once - the number I think would be roughly right)
Now, don't get me wrong, I believe and am told that I have and was forgiven for the curses and they will not be held against me
But now, in the morning, I am singing the words "God Bless" and "Praise God" or whatever other 2 syllables belong on my lips
By the grace of Christ
To the tune of Amazing Grace for a few minutes
In two minutes it is 60 blessings, and it is easy and a joy to do more than two minutes
This isn't a "formula" or a "ritual"
But for me, it is the start of a relationship
And healing for the curses that came from my lips
And fell on my soul
And if I am given the grace to practice it for a year or more
The balance of my lips from my life will be one of blessings, not curses
And I will be the one most blessed by them
Even as I was before the one most cursed
I guess the point of all this, and much of the point of Wounded By Love, is that relationships are two way, like an electrical circuit.
There is "flow" when they are correctly working. If I showed you a battery and asked you "does this battery want to have a relationship with you"? you would look at me like I was crazy. It's not going to want or not want or reject one and not the other. But... to answer your question which I have only just answered myself, the answer is Yes.
That's what He does.
"Bless, bless and do not curse"
Rom 12:14
No doubt about it,
there's no coincidence when it comes to GOD