Andy,
I started crying when I read your story because it is VERY similar to mine and this morning I was down about my divorce and felt like crying but it wouldn't come out.
My situation: I am 49, she is 54, married almost eleven years, I would grade it an A-, no children, no adultery or abuse, she loved me and I loved her, her family and friends loved me, vice versa with my family and friends...unfortunately she had a habit of putting her family first and before me/the marriage. Over the decade plus, it was little things. Then in 2012 I was on the verge of eviction, her brother--who I had spent many a weekend over his place with his family and whose youngest daughter was the apple-of-my-eye--said if I lost the apartment I could move in with them. My wife would move in with her folks (there wasn't enough room there for me.) Two months later my wife tells me our sister-in-law said I could NOT move in. No reason given. No defense by my wife ("It's my family--what do you want me to do, argue with them?"). I was crushed, felt betrayed, mad, sad--the whole 9. Six days I was willing to forgive (this was definitely a spiritual epiphany) but she surprised me on April 22, 2012 by saying she was wanted a divorce, no man in her life, and to move back in to take care of her ill parents.
In May 2012 when another brother came with her to pick up the rest of her stuff, and he and I were alone he had such a pained look on his face. He was very sorry for what she was doing and informed me his wife was also doing the same thing: leaving the marriage to return to "the nest."
I wish I could have seen my ex's face when she opened up the boxes to find her stuff and ALL of our stuff: wedding video and pictures, lovey-dovey cards, drawings from our favored niece--everything positive, sweet, etc. associated with our entire relationship (we met in 1999 and married in 2001). I sent her back her stuff because I didn't want any emotional attachments. I did the same thing when I broke up with the girl I was dating before my ex.
Initially I was against paying for the divorce because she wanted it and I didn't. We had separate bank accounts. The last time I spoke to her--after months of ignoring my letters--was November 2012 when I asked how much she had saved up; she hadn't. I knew from her ignoring the letters and her refusal in that May my offer to talk to save the marriage (this offer was God-inspired, not me-inspired), she still wanted the divorce. Eventually I got tired of waiting and viewed her as dead weight in my life, so I initiated the divorce through my previous job's union. It was EXTREMELY cheap, fast, and painless (no alimony). After she was served--ironically almost to the day a year later after her divorce declaration--and during the whole legal proceedings, she remained silent. She didn't get an attorney, nor contact me or my lawyer. The judgment came in last August.
As a fellow Christian, I say your first source of help should be the Lord Himself. Cry, curse, question--lay everything at His feet. It is very good you are going to a therapist; I did too. Rely on this board. Rely on family and friends. Speak to people you know who were divorced, especially those who have children. I cannot offer any advice regarding kids because we didn't have any.
I would
highly recommend not going onto Facebook or anything else online to see what's up with her. It will only make you feel even worse. I had access to my ex's email account because her username and password were saved on my computer. From 2012-13 I would occasionally go into it to see if she wrote anything about the situation. Knowing her lack of online savvy, it appears she didn't. I would never even consider seeing her Facebook activities; seeing her happy--even if it was just the moment the picture was taken--would kill me. Don't add more reasons to be sad. Trust me, moments of sadness will come and they do not need your help or re-enforcements.
In terms of the moments of sadness, sometimes you will know the reason for the moment (ex: going by a restaurant you two went to). Sometimes you won't know the reason. I found this frustrating.
I too thought this would be it--forever. It sucks when a spouse is taken away by crime, illness, or an accident. It EPICALLY sucks when the spouse takes themselves away
. My ex used to say, "I'll never leave you. Remember what the priest said--'in the good times and bad times.'"
I also still have strong feelings for my ex. I miss the woman from 1999 to 2012. It saddens me
that woman is gone. I miss what we had; I am saddened this union is gone. My feelings have evolved into missing her good qualities as opposed to her as a person. I try to console myself that she doesn't have a lock on those good qualities, that the next girl will also have them. I too have bouts of self-hatred because of these still lingering feelings. I--and you--have to remember that a broken heart is like a broken leg: it takes time to heal.
My healing skyrocketed when last year right after the divorce judgment came in I forgave my wife, her brother, and his wife. She does not know this; it is between me and God and was more for my own personal healing. I got great advice here on this board about forgiving others; sometimes they will rebuff the forgiveness, saying "YOU'RE forgiving ME?" I haven't seen my wife since May 2012. I haven't spoken to her since November 2012. That's fine. Any further interaction between us would have be her-inspired or God-inspired. My response would be, "Yeah, what do YOU want?"
I would not recommend dating. I miss having a woman in my life, but I know I am not ready for a new relationship. I am alone but not lonely. I have also enjoyed spending my money on only me. Sorry ladies, you'all are expensive
.
Be compassionate and caring to yourself. Occupy your time with things YOU like to do. Treat yourself to things.
I hope I helped.
