I'm going to tell you everything that troubles me. I can say everything now because of this sub forum. People here understand what my thoughts are. This might be a long post.
Some of you may know my story. My life went downhill ever since my boyf broke up with me almost 3 months ago. We were together for 2 years. His reasons were varied and changed often. But, I eventually got the truth from him. He has a lot of trouble at home because his family are going through a tough time at the moment. But also, he is already a year out of uni and is still in his part time student job. He has a lot of pressure and admits he wasn't treating me well. (when i say this, I mean that he couldn't make time for me. he never hurt me or anything) I was hurt because he told me often that he loved me and I believed it. I said to him when we broke up that I thought he loved me. he said he did love me, but times change and people change. I said if he did truly love me, it wouldn't just fade like his did. He said love is feeling affection for someon. I told him that if he wants a real definition of love to look in the bible and then ask himself if that's that love he felt for me.
I was a Christian before this relationship began so please don't think I've only turned to God when I'm in trouble. Throughout the relationship I would pray and praise God for getting us together (it happened in a way I suppose could only have been from God. Neither of us could have planned it) I also spoke to God and told Him how things were with me and my ex. I never forgot about God as soon as I got what I longed for.
We broke up one week before my end of semester exams at university. I still tried to revise but it was very difficult. I sat the exams and barely knew what I was writing. My last one I walked out on because I had wrote an irrelevant answer. I told my ex about the exams because he asked. he didn't know tht my coursework wasn't very good and the exams were very important for me getting into honours. Well, I got my results in and scraped a pass but my hopes of getting into my honours year and as god as gone. At the time, i think my ex felt guilty cos he apologised for the bad timing. I'm not too bothered with uni anymore. I'm dreading going back but I feel I have to because my parents are so proud of me being there. I come from an area where most people drop out of school at 14 and live off the state for the rest of their lives. I was once desperate to make my parents proud, but now I just don't care. I'm so unhappy.
I wanted to quit my job-I work with my ex. I tried many times to get jbs elsewhere but had no luck. I managed to get a form to a place where I had been offered a job once before but before I could hand my notice into my current job, i was offered promotion. I accepted it because it offers me a lot of responsibility. No pay increase which Im not bothered about but a good thing to put on my CV for later years. So, I guess God wants me to stay where I am. I found out recently that my ex put me forward for the promotion because it was his job, but he got moved deptsand so there was a vacancy. He recommended me. He still wants to be friends but I can't just act like there was never anything between us. Not when I still love him so much it hurts and tears me apart.
There were other factors around this time which thankfully have been taken care of. My brother was acting out and rebelling against everything in the house. My mother had to go in for a major operation which she coped well through. It was like a domino effect. One thing after another starting off with the break up.
Now, what it has come down to. I have been praying sooo much and reading the bible as often as I can. There have been some people here who say they've prayed on my behalf and received no answers to what will happen in my life. I'm not looking for predictions, just for God to give me a sign. Anything. Just to show me that he hears me. I pray to silence and it's so frustrating. It's culminated in my seriously contemplating suicide. I have the pills in my room. I jst can't bring myself to abandon God. I have been rejected al my life. Not just by my ex but by mostly everyone. Everyone, at one time or another, has left me to fend for myself. I don't want to reject God like some others do because I fear Him. I don't want to go to hell and I can't hurt my mother by comitting suicide.
I know it won't help, but I don't see another way out. i did at one time-God but He won't answer me or show me that path to take. I have tried to let go and let Him guide me but how am I supposed to when I still have to work with my ex? How can I be calm and positive when my ex smiles at me or acts the way he did before we split up? Whenever he does this, I think to myself that maybe he wants to give things another go, but it never works out like that.
I know you'll say that I should be seeking God and not an earthly man but I have. I have tried so much but how can silence motivate someone? I feel like I'm going mad and asking if there really is anyone out there to hear me. It's all very well people on here saying they hear God and that He does exist, but I need some help. I don't want God to appear before me and tel me exactly what's going to happen. But why not a dream or something. Just to say "I'll take care of you. Don't worry." I have never heard these words before from anyone.
So what if this is a test? Is God wanting me to see if I'll cling to Him through everything? That I will persevere through the silence? If so, I think that has been proven. I need Him more than ever, but I have always prayed to Him since I was young.
Or is it Satan testing me like he did Job? There is a difference between me and Job. Job had wealth and success. God had made him sucessful. The only thing I had was God and my ex. Now all I have is God, and even he won't answer me. How desperate do I need to be? I said to God, in prayer, that it's come down to a simple choice for me. I told Him that if I had any indication that He heard me, or that me and my ex will work things out then I would be happy to wait and let Him guide me. I told Him that it hurts speaking to silence and if things aren't going to work out then I wanted to die. Needless to say, silence is deafening.
Doe God maybe think that if he lets me and my ex get back together i will forget about Him? That could never happen. If me and my ex do work things out it will be a miracle and I will have no choice but to praise God and I will never doubt again. I'm not on anti-depressants or have had counselling. It seems stupid as a break up is hardly counselling material.
Please don't say things like: everyone goes through heartbreak and it gets easier. It doesn't, it gets harder everyday. People have said-God does help and he hears you but I find this hard to believe just now. Silence doesn't convince and more pain doesn't boost faith. I'm not blaiming God for everything that's happened. Like I said, it might be Satan. I just can't take anymore. I need Him to help me and I hope sooner rather than later because I want to die.
Some of you may know my story. My life went downhill ever since my boyf broke up with me almost 3 months ago. We were together for 2 years. His reasons were varied and changed often. But, I eventually got the truth from him. He has a lot of trouble at home because his family are going through a tough time at the moment. But also, he is already a year out of uni and is still in his part time student job. He has a lot of pressure and admits he wasn't treating me well. (when i say this, I mean that he couldn't make time for me. he never hurt me or anything) I was hurt because he told me often that he loved me and I believed it. I said to him when we broke up that I thought he loved me. he said he did love me, but times change and people change. I said if he did truly love me, it wouldn't just fade like his did. He said love is feeling affection for someon. I told him that if he wants a real definition of love to look in the bible and then ask himself if that's that love he felt for me.
I was a Christian before this relationship began so please don't think I've only turned to God when I'm in trouble. Throughout the relationship I would pray and praise God for getting us together (it happened in a way I suppose could only have been from God. Neither of us could have planned it) I also spoke to God and told Him how things were with me and my ex. I never forgot about God as soon as I got what I longed for.
We broke up one week before my end of semester exams at university. I still tried to revise but it was very difficult. I sat the exams and barely knew what I was writing. My last one I walked out on because I had wrote an irrelevant answer. I told my ex about the exams because he asked. he didn't know tht my coursework wasn't very good and the exams were very important for me getting into honours. Well, I got my results in and scraped a pass but my hopes of getting into my honours year and as god as gone. At the time, i think my ex felt guilty cos he apologised for the bad timing. I'm not too bothered with uni anymore. I'm dreading going back but I feel I have to because my parents are so proud of me being there. I come from an area where most people drop out of school at 14 and live off the state for the rest of their lives. I was once desperate to make my parents proud, but now I just don't care. I'm so unhappy.
I wanted to quit my job-I work with my ex. I tried many times to get jbs elsewhere but had no luck. I managed to get a form to a place where I had been offered a job once before but before I could hand my notice into my current job, i was offered promotion. I accepted it because it offers me a lot of responsibility. No pay increase which Im not bothered about but a good thing to put on my CV for later years. So, I guess God wants me to stay where I am. I found out recently that my ex put me forward for the promotion because it was his job, but he got moved deptsand so there was a vacancy. He recommended me. He still wants to be friends but I can't just act like there was never anything between us. Not when I still love him so much it hurts and tears me apart.
There were other factors around this time which thankfully have been taken care of. My brother was acting out and rebelling against everything in the house. My mother had to go in for a major operation which she coped well through. It was like a domino effect. One thing after another starting off with the break up.
Now, what it has come down to. I have been praying sooo much and reading the bible as often as I can. There have been some people here who say they've prayed on my behalf and received no answers to what will happen in my life. I'm not looking for predictions, just for God to give me a sign. Anything. Just to show me that he hears me. I pray to silence and it's so frustrating. It's culminated in my seriously contemplating suicide. I have the pills in my room. I jst can't bring myself to abandon God. I have been rejected al my life. Not just by my ex but by mostly everyone. Everyone, at one time or another, has left me to fend for myself. I don't want to reject God like some others do because I fear Him. I don't want to go to hell and I can't hurt my mother by comitting suicide.
I know it won't help, but I don't see another way out. i did at one time-God but He won't answer me or show me that path to take. I have tried to let go and let Him guide me but how am I supposed to when I still have to work with my ex? How can I be calm and positive when my ex smiles at me or acts the way he did before we split up? Whenever he does this, I think to myself that maybe he wants to give things another go, but it never works out like that.
I know you'll say that I should be seeking God and not an earthly man but I have. I have tried so much but how can silence motivate someone? I feel like I'm going mad and asking if there really is anyone out there to hear me. It's all very well people on here saying they hear God and that He does exist, but I need some help. I don't want God to appear before me and tel me exactly what's going to happen. But why not a dream or something. Just to say "I'll take care of you. Don't worry." I have never heard these words before from anyone.
So what if this is a test? Is God wanting me to see if I'll cling to Him through everything? That I will persevere through the silence? If so, I think that has been proven. I need Him more than ever, but I have always prayed to Him since I was young.
Or is it Satan testing me like he did Job? There is a difference between me and Job. Job had wealth and success. God had made him sucessful. The only thing I had was God and my ex. Now all I have is God, and even he won't answer me. How desperate do I need to be? I said to God, in prayer, that it's come down to a simple choice for me. I told Him that if I had any indication that He heard me, or that me and my ex will work things out then I would be happy to wait and let Him guide me. I told Him that it hurts speaking to silence and if things aren't going to work out then I wanted to die. Needless to say, silence is deafening.
Doe God maybe think that if he lets me and my ex get back together i will forget about Him? That could never happen. If me and my ex do work things out it will be a miracle and I will have no choice but to praise God and I will never doubt again. I'm not on anti-depressants or have had counselling. It seems stupid as a break up is hardly counselling material.
Please don't say things like: everyone goes through heartbreak and it gets easier. It doesn't, it gets harder everyday. People have said-God does help and he hears you but I find this hard to believe just now. Silence doesn't convince and more pain doesn't boost faith. I'm not blaiming God for everything that's happened. Like I said, it might be Satan. I just can't take anymore. I need Him to help me and I hope sooner rather than later because I want to die.