Hello,
I'm new here ... and REALLY need support and perhaps a bit of guidance as I make a decision and start on the journey that I choose.
I'm 54 and my husband is 58. We've been married for 10 years and separated for 2 1/2 years. Yes I know, that's a LONG time. This is a second marriage for us both. My first husband cheated on me and was an alcoholic, and was beginning to be abusive to me and our sons, so I left and we eventually divorced.
My present husband and I have had problems from the start. I take the blame for allot of that, because I was the practicing Christian and he wasn't. I knew we would be unequally yoked, but love and lust got in the way of me listening to God, and so the results were that there was lots of conflict and difference of morals, values and opinions on just about everything.
We finally decided to separate with the possibility of living together again someday if things got better with some distance and the pressure taken off of us.
Things are a bit better, but there's still lots of conflict if I don't do all the work and allow most things to slide. What I mean by that is, my husband is very passive/agressive and won't own any part of his share of the problems, and so I shoulder most of it and it's taken it's toll on me both physically and emotionally.
He tells me he still loves me and is IN love with me, and it's the same for me .. there has been NO infidelity that "I" know of, and none on my part. We continue to see each other 2-3 times a week, but there has been, up until a few weeks ago, allot of friction and problems.
It's hard to go into everything in the first post, but let me try to cover a few things:
I don't feel he has very much respect for me, he's always late, doesn't call me when he says he will, doesn't keep in touch about things, and just pretty much lives his life according to what he wants to do. I'm here if he wants to see me, talk to me, and it WAS when he wanted sex, but I've stopped that recently.
He actually never asked for sex much, his level for that need is pretty low.
For the last few weeks, I've been doing allot of reading and praying. I've realized that I've been too needy, and too controlling with him. I also have a problem with trust and jealousy... so I don't trust him much, and that's one area that really bothers him. Of course, I have to say, he did cheat on his first wife several times, and so I hold that in my head and it scares me. He's also a 'looker' and sometimes I'd call it 'gawking'. He tends to look allot and over and over at certain women sometimes, and that really hurts me. I've told him in many different ways and many different times, but he continues to do it. He of course, has the 'worldy' opinion that he's only looking and not touching.
So this brings me to today, and after praying and reading, I've been trying to be more unavailable, not calling him as much, not asking as many questions or showing him I doubt him. It's VERY hard for me, because it's one of the things that is a part of who I am, and have been for so long, that I have to really work on it.
On the other hand, I think 2 1/2 years is too long for a separation, and I really do want to make some final decision on our future very soon. I've been trying to show him a better side of me for awhile, so he can know that I'll be a better wife this time, and then want to talk to him about living together again.
I know what God says about this, I either stay single or go back to him ... so if I bring up the subject of going back, and he won't do it .. I've decided that I'm going to move to where my sons are and live near them.
I've given this 2 1/2 years, I've worked allot on myself, and am still working more. I start counseling this coming week, lost weight, stopped the things that annoyed him, and I've been 100% faithful. He's done very little in changing the things that annoy, hurt of disrespect me.
So I'm not sure where this will lead .. or exactly what God wants from me, but I'm doing my best.
Also, I have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome, Menier's Disease, Scoliosis and Deteriation of the Spine, Depression, possible Lupus (they're not sure yet), had major surgery 6 months ago and am going throuh Menopause!
I have allot on my plate! I'm doing the best I can ... and it hurts me that he's not more empathetic, but he's not. He's very UNcaring when it comes to my health. He won't cook, do housework of any kind, and is NOT there for me when I'm sick. I know that God tells me to still be loving as I can and allow Him to take care of it, but I'm really scared to move in with him again.
Soooo ... all this said, I'd love to hear from women and men alike, as to what your thoughts are on this. I could really use support and Christian guidance, as I go along.
Thank you so much for listening to all of this. Hope to get to know you all better.
Hugs,
Dee
I'm new here ... and REALLY need support and perhaps a bit of guidance as I make a decision and start on the journey that I choose.
I'm 54 and my husband is 58. We've been married for 10 years and separated for 2 1/2 years. Yes I know, that's a LONG time. This is a second marriage for us both. My first husband cheated on me and was an alcoholic, and was beginning to be abusive to me and our sons, so I left and we eventually divorced.
My present husband and I have had problems from the start. I take the blame for allot of that, because I was the practicing Christian and he wasn't. I knew we would be unequally yoked, but love and lust got in the way of me listening to God, and so the results were that there was lots of conflict and difference of morals, values and opinions on just about everything.
We finally decided to separate with the possibility of living together again someday if things got better with some distance and the pressure taken off of us.
Things are a bit better, but there's still lots of conflict if I don't do all the work and allow most things to slide. What I mean by that is, my husband is very passive/agressive and won't own any part of his share of the problems, and so I shoulder most of it and it's taken it's toll on me both physically and emotionally.
He tells me he still loves me and is IN love with me, and it's the same for me .. there has been NO infidelity that "I" know of, and none on my part. We continue to see each other 2-3 times a week, but there has been, up until a few weeks ago, allot of friction and problems.
It's hard to go into everything in the first post, but let me try to cover a few things:
I don't feel he has very much respect for me, he's always late, doesn't call me when he says he will, doesn't keep in touch about things, and just pretty much lives his life according to what he wants to do. I'm here if he wants to see me, talk to me, and it WAS when he wanted sex, but I've stopped that recently.
He actually never asked for sex much, his level for that need is pretty low.
For the last few weeks, I've been doing allot of reading and praying. I've realized that I've been too needy, and too controlling with him. I also have a problem with trust and jealousy... so I don't trust him much, and that's one area that really bothers him. Of course, I have to say, he did cheat on his first wife several times, and so I hold that in my head and it scares me. He's also a 'looker' and sometimes I'd call it 'gawking'. He tends to look allot and over and over at certain women sometimes, and that really hurts me. I've told him in many different ways and many different times, but he continues to do it. He of course, has the 'worldy' opinion that he's only looking and not touching.
So this brings me to today, and after praying and reading, I've been trying to be more unavailable, not calling him as much, not asking as many questions or showing him I doubt him. It's VERY hard for me, because it's one of the things that is a part of who I am, and have been for so long, that I have to really work on it.
On the other hand, I think 2 1/2 years is too long for a separation, and I really do want to make some final decision on our future very soon. I've been trying to show him a better side of me for awhile, so he can know that I'll be a better wife this time, and then want to talk to him about living together again.
I know what God says about this, I either stay single or go back to him ... so if I bring up the subject of going back, and he won't do it .. I've decided that I'm going to move to where my sons are and live near them.
I've given this 2 1/2 years, I've worked allot on myself, and am still working more. I start counseling this coming week, lost weight, stopped the things that annoyed him, and I've been 100% faithful. He's done very little in changing the things that annoy, hurt of disrespect me.
So I'm not sure where this will lead .. or exactly what God wants from me, but I'm doing my best.
Also, I have Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome, Menier's Disease, Scoliosis and Deteriation of the Spine, Depression, possible Lupus (they're not sure yet), had major surgery 6 months ago and am going throuh Menopause!
I have allot on my plate! I'm doing the best I can ... and it hurts me that he's not more empathetic, but he's not. He's very UNcaring when it comes to my health. He won't cook, do housework of any kind, and is NOT there for me when I'm sick. I know that God tells me to still be loving as I can and allow Him to take care of it, but I'm really scared to move in with him again.
Soooo ... all this said, I'd love to hear from women and men alike, as to what your thoughts are on this. I could really use support and Christian guidance, as I go along.
Thank you so much for listening to all of this. Hope to get to know you all better.
Hugs,
Dee
