Need advice in blended family!

[Bear78]

Hello all!

My name is "Bear78" I am 43 years old and have been married to my second wife for a little over 5 years now.

We have 5 kids between the two of us; three girls and two boys.

One of the girls (age 13) and the two boys (ages 19 and 22) are from HER previous marriage and the other two girls (ages 15 and 12) are from my previous marriage.

My step daughter and the 19 year old live with us, with the daughter staying with her dad about 3 days a week and the 19 year old working full time with a girl friend is only here to eat and sleep. The 22 year old is married and lives in his own house with his wife.

As far as my two daughters go, the are with us every other weekend and then two weeks here and then two weeks with their mom during summer visitation.

When we got married we brought a 4 bedroom home for all of us, Originally the three girls were all sharing a single bedroom, then we converting the playroom (which was previously the formal dining room) into a bedroom for my two girls to share when they were staying with us. Then the oldest son moved out, about 3 years ago and we let my oldest daughter have that room, which is a fairly large room with its own bathroom as none of the other kids wanted it. So now all of the 4 kids that are here have their own bedrooms.

My wife and I both enjoy exercising and we were going to a gym here but her recent work change has made it difficult for her to go to the gym throughout the day. We have weights and a rowing machine here which I use when I do not go to the gym during the day, as I work from home and she works at various places as she is a hospice nurse.

With that being said, she has been having a hard time finding the time during the day to go to the gym, a couple times she has gone but talked her self out of it for various reasons.

At first she was using the rowing machine we got a couple years ago but now she doesn't like using it because it hurts her back, understandable. She used to run a lot on a treadmill or outside, but she tore her ACL last year and has not been able to get back into running like she used to and has decided to use an elliptical machine and weights. Which I am all for!

However, she has been requesting that now, after about 3 years of them having their own bedrooms, I now force my two daughters, who are here with us every other weekend and during the summer, to share a bedroom when they are here, the big one I previously mentioned with its own bathroom, and convert the other one into a home gym so she can get an elliptical and use it in there along with the weights.

For the most part, I have been using the weights that are strewn about my home office and the rowing machine which is crammed into the corner of our living room behind the couch.. Its not ideal but I make it work.

I have offered to rearrange all the furniture in the larger bedroom and to put her elliptical in there, I even took measurements and have figured out where to put everything so she could have her machine in front of the big window and have the weights near by as the room is large enough to do that one one side. I actually did this for a while with my small weight collection in the same room prior to me moving them to my office.

But she is dead set on me telling my two daughters that now after 3 years of having their own room that they MUST now share a room when they are here. I cannot fathom telling them this. As their mom is manipulative and would most definitely use this as a way of making them not want to come see me and causing issues, etc.

Our gym is open from 7am until 8pm and I have suggested that she go during the day when she gets a break or we can go in the evenings after work to the gym.. But she still does NOT want to do that.. She is adamant about my two girls sharing a room for the sake of having a home gym, for her elliptical, WHICH we do not even have yet, nor am I sure we would even get one because she is unsure if she wants that or a treadmill or a bike..

This has been a source of contention between us for a little while now, about 3 months.. Ever since she switched jobs.. I have pleaded with her, prayed about it, offered suggestions and ideas, but she sees it as her way or the highway.. We are both at our wits end!

And now she is accusing me of not caring about her health for the sake of my daughters having their own rooms, yet I have offered several ways of compromise to only have it thrown back in my face and now she has become rather heated with her words about it..

Thoughts, suggestions, ideas and prayers! All are needed and welcomed!

Thanks in advance.

 

[SANTOSO]

Beloved ones, we were so self conscious, that we were so concerned to assert our righteousness, that we didn’t see or that we were blind or that we didn’t perceive, that we mistreated others and God.

Self righteousness caused us much sin before others and God, that we barely notice because we were so concerned that others took notice on us, that we may indulge ourselves in self pity.

Who would acknowledge that they were indulging in self pity? Those who are self righteousness would surely deny again and again. Why ? Because they would reason with self defense, that is，none other than their own self righteousness.

So who humble themselves! Who would be willing to endure wrongdoing of others and suffer for what is right ?

For this is what we have heard:
“bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
‭‭I Corinthians‬ ‭13:7‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

who are able to bear all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things ?
Isn’t He Jesus Christ the Lord? Yes.

Beloved one, unless we seek the love of Christ, we can’t serve one another or bear one another. May be we abled to endure a while before we were worn out emotionally, mentally and physically.

Was it not clear that self righteousness is not love ? Was it not clear that our own strength fail ?

Beloved one, let us humble ourselves before God and seek His mercy. Let us ask Him that He may strengthen us through His grace, that we may love one another through the love of Christ. For the Lord’s compassions fail not ! And His strength endures forever !

Beloved ones, it is not that we cannot clean the speck of sawdust in others, but we must first see or perceive the plank in our own eyes. Not our physical eyes but the eyes of our hearts, that we should perceive that we mistreated others through our conceived self righteousness.

Early in the morning, let us truly practice releasing forgiveness to others who mistreated us. Thus we will receive the mercy of Heavenly Father for our own wrongdoings.

Let us seek the Lord’s strength continually, that we may bear all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things with Christ, and in Christ. Thus through the love of Christ we serve one another, that we forsake our guilty ways and abandon our unrighteous thoughts or self righteous thoughts.

So let us return to the Lord, that He may have compassion on us, and to our God, for He abundantly pardons.

To God the Father be thanksgiving through Christ.Amen.

Selah

 

[Tolworth John]

he is adamant about my two girls sharing a room for the sake of having a home gym,

If they are here every other weekend, why not adapt there bedrooms to be dule purpose. So your keep fit gear can be tidied away at weekends, but be available durring the week.

Do discuss this with your girls, don't just drop it on them.

Also discuss with your wife what it is she has against them?

Is there something in their attitude that annoys her, irritates her, is she jealous of them?

You may need additional help with this.

 

[Bear78]

*EDITED*

I have suggested that multiple times and its always met with 'They are only here every other weekend so they can share a room.."

I have to address this from every other angle only to be met with its either her way or it remains an issue.

She says they are "spoiled and get whatever they want" when they are here.. Which I have no clue why she says that.. I discipline them, make sure they go to bed on time, do not let them get away with things that the other kids do not get away with, I do not coddle to them nor treat them any different than the others.. The same rules and expectations are for every child, regardless. I am VERY careful with that because I did not want that to be an issue from the beginning.

I got really upset and said she was being selfish over this and not considering this from the kids' perspective; having their own rooms for over three years now and then being told they have to share one because of this.. Her reply was, and I quote, "You're right, I AM being selfish about this! I don't give a crap about kids who ONLY come here for FOUR DAYS A MONTH! I care about my health needs more!"

I agreed to discuss with them and whatever happens with them; they get upset about it and tell their mom and she uses it to alienate me more than she already has, etc. or they are OK with it. But I cannot keep going round and round with her over something like this..

As far as her attitude toward them, sometimes they are a little stand-offish with her when they first get here, but after a few minutes they are fine.. This is largely due to what I know for sure their mother and step-dad has said about us in the recent past.. Both girls have voiced their concerns to me over what has been said. Plus their mother is very controlling and manipulative as well a jealous.

She sees one as up her mom's backside all the time, the 12 year old and the older one as sometimes being annoying because is just a typical teenager..

Its really hard and so I am left with now choice but to discuss it and see what happens.. Thanks again.

 

[mama2one]

your wife needs to be priority

children can learn to be understanding

 

[Chris35]

Im just going to throw this out there. By no means am I taking anyones side. I will not judge either of you as right or wrong. If anything, I can say you both have valid reasons

Jesus says to love others. I think if anything it would act as a good example and life lesson to the children, to give up something and suffer, so someone else can have.

I believe it is more important and beneficial to teach the children this, then who is in the right or wrong.

I would sit down with them, pray, and then explain to them, Jesus wants us to love others, and sometimes it causes hardship, but nonetheless it is still good to act on love and give up the things that we have for others, without biterness or resentment..

Not saying this is the exact answer, but i do see it as great opportunity to teach them.

 

[coffee4u]

2 rooms for 4 days a month is rather extravagant. This is your wife's home after all and she wants to use that bedroom that is mostly sitting vacant for herself, which is not that unreasonable. To me it feels like she never liked this arrangement but bit her tongue about it until she got sick of it. On the other side yes she should care about them and saying she doesn't give a crap is extremely hurtful because they are your kids.
I am wondering if at the time and since she has dropped hints that she wasn't happy with this situation. I am guessing she did. Maybe there have been other situations that she has been unhappy with that you have not really noticed and they have piled up to this point. Some people don't truly say what they feel until they reach a certain boiling point.

How about you make the shared room really special? Like loft beds with cupboards underneath or something else that they would really love to have.

 

[Bear78]

Thanks all,

As far as her having specific "health issues" as one of the previous posters mentioned, the only health issue she has is her torn ACL, which keeps her from using a treadmill, thus her wanting an elliptical machine to use which leads into the whole sharing the room idea..

However we do have a gym that is only 15 minutes from here that is open from 7am to 8pm and like I previously said, I have figured out a way to rearrange the furniture in the one bedroom to allocate space for a elliptical or treadmill, but she did not like that idea.

I offered to sit everyone down the next time we are all together to discuss it, because even though they are only here the short time they are, I do not want them to feel like "guest" in this house either by just me TELLING them this is what will happen so just get over it..

I am trying to walk a line of keeping peace with the kids as well as pleasing my wife and I have yet been able to find a compromise..

But now she just wants me to drop it but I can tell its still bubbling under the service so I am going to discuss with her again about it and then sit the girls down this weekend and discuss it with them.

IF anything it will be only temporary because I am pretty sure the 19 year old will be moving out within the next 6-12 months once his gf graduates in the summer of this year, and then one of the two girls (which are both mine, btw) can move up to that room when they are here.

I can see her logic behind wanting to do what she is asking, I get that.. But I came from a divorced home where as my wife did not, so I also know what its like to go to the other parent's house and feel like a guest because you did not have any of your own stuff or space there. So whereas I can see it from both the kids' and my wife's point of view, she really cannot because she has never been in a situation of having to go between two homes..

But she also needs that space as a place for her office area because she works out of home somewhat so I just need to get over the fear and concern of my two kids getting mad about it and not wanting to come see us anymore and their mom using it against me, which I would not put it past her to do..

 

[Bear78]

Update, I have talked with my wife again and we are going to sit down with the girls this weekend when they are here and explain the situation in that;

1- She is needing a separate workspace now that she is involved more with her work having to be on calls, making phone calls and talking to patients.

2- Because of her work schedule she no longer has time to go to the gym during the day so having a workout space here would be beneficial to her health for the sake of her knees and weight loss.

3- It will only be temporary for as soon as the 19 year old moves out, which will most likely be this summer after his gf graduates, then one of them can have his room.

So please pray for understanding, grace and patience as we discuss this with them!

Thanks!