Nearly nineteen - How to deal with not being able to date

[Andi Fels]

Hey, so I'm just over a week off being nineteen, and, as the story goes, I have met a guy. He's really sweet and he is a Christian. We actually met through my godparents.

But my dad won't let me date. Not until I have "finished my studies". And whilst I can understand why he says that, it's starting to get ridiculous. Lately he's been saying that there's no reason why I need to get in a relationship before I am thirty!

I want to respect my father in this, but I have always assumed that I would be married with kids by the time I reach thirty.

I have been finished school for about a year and a half, and through a complicated story, I will only be starting university next year, meaning I'll be twenty-three when I finish. Even twenty-three is later than I wanted.

What makes it hard is that each time I reach his age limit, he extends it.

Has anyone been in this situation? How do I handle this? I don't want to ruin the relationship between us, but I don't want to stay single forever.

 

[Cimorene]

I don't think it's disrespectful for you to be your own person. You're an adult. It's silly that you can't date. Live your life.

 

[Wes232]

Your father has your best interest at heart, but it's easy for parents to try to control their children's lives to much. My dad would always give me a list of stuff not to do, and try to explain why. But until I actually experienced somethings firsthand I was never able to truly understand why he told me not to do it.

As an adult woman should be allowed to make decisions like this for yourself. If you haven't given your father a reason to not trust you then be treated with a certain amount of respect.

Instead of focusing on having kids and being married by 30. Try to focus on God's plan. Pray over the idea of being in a relationship, ask for wisdom on finding a middle ground with your father.

Then go to him, say you've prayed about it and feel like you should start dating. Show him you've looked at the pros and cons of dating. Maybe agree to only date someone he has meet in person once or twice (be sure to jokingly say he has to give them a chance lol) Talk to your young adult pastor if you have one or any pastor at your church for advice or back up if your father is being firm in his stance.

My point is that your father should be able to negotiate on your freedom even if you live at home. Your parents should allow you to live your life. Your an adult now, you still need your parents more than ever, but treating you like a child is unfair if you act like an adult. So adult-up, be bold, and ask for more freedom.

 

[RecklessDefector]

You're nineteen. You're an adult and should be able to date whomever you choose. Your dad at this point is being a controlling, toxic person who has no interest in your happiness.

 

[J. Elias]

Interesting...I had a similar experience with my previous relationship. My then-time girlfriend was really sweet, and for a first relationship, we did really well (1 1/2 years together) But something happened with her father and he became very hostile towards me. I remained quiet about it at first, but when I finally voiced my concerns, he took things the wrong way and the relationship went south fast.

My reason for saying this all is because I want you to realize I come from experience with the "controlling dad" scenario. In my case, I found out that my ex's father was a very opinionated and brash man. He liked me well enough when I was quiet and courteous, but when it came to me speaking my mind on subjects and disagreeing with him, he was quite hostile. Do I believe he was trying to do the honorable thing and take care of his daughter? Perhaps. More accurately, I think he was doing what he thought was best for her by protecting her from me.

Unfortunately, however, for many fathers (especially with the firstborn daughters) "protecting the family" includes making sure nobody can ever hurt their daughter, namely, another man that will (inevitably) hurt her or let her down in some way. But it's only natural for a young woman to grow up and desire after a husband. While you shouldn't disrespect your father, you are your own person, and you should pray for God's guidance in the situation.

I would encourage you to find out your beliefs on the situation, and act on those beliefs. You honor your parents best not by submitting to their every opinion, but by becoming your own person. When you are a functioning, contributing member of society, capable of making your own choices, you bear witness to the fact that your parents raised a capable person, and bring them honor in such a way.

All that to basically say I agree with Wes232 above. Prayer and humility are crucial in all our decisions, and you will do well to utilize both. Good luck!

 

[ClarinetScore]

Min 42-44:13. It doesn't state the exact situation but should give some principals (can't demand rights under someone else's house). I'm not a father so I don't have the right to advise you on this but the Bishop knows what he's talking about.

 

[thelordskingdom777]

I know he doesn't have the authority to stop you as your an adult, but I really think it is a good idea. I am 20 and can't understand why people my age and younger have kids or get married.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

What does your mother think?

That's the question that sprang to my mind.

Is your father paying for your university education? I also assume you're going to live at home?

Graduating university without any debt is a huge boon starting your adult life. That's money you can put towards your retirement or for a house down payment.

You should respect his wishes unless you want to move off on your own. Now you can always date behind his back. Or try to compromise with him. But those things might not work.

This is a huge long term decision that you need to pray about and spend a lot of time contemplating. Do you have your immediate gratification now and start dating, losing your dad's support. Or pursue the long term benefits of a free university education?

Parents who generously help to financially provide for their young adult daughter's higher education should do so with the purpose of helping to equip her with the tools she'll use for building a fulfilling and productive future. Not as a means to exert undue control over her personal life as it naturally grows. It's rational for a parent who is making a substantial investment to expect a "return" on it in the form of effort being put into academic work, but irrational to dictate whether she is permitted to date. If she were dating someone who was abusive in any way, or posed a legitimate danger to her wellbeing for some other reason, then of course it would be reasonable for her parents to want to object. To entirely deny her the nourishment of any loving romantic relationship during this stage of her life is, in my view, detrimental micromanagement.

I'm 18 and my parents are funding my education, but they don't view that as a justification to still hold the reigns to my own life. They just guide me along the way. (I was offered a full ride at a reputable college, so their help is purely stemming from their own desire rather than because they feel obligated.) They take delight in all the ways that my life is blooming, including being in a happy relationship with someone loving, caring and respectful. I wish the OP's parents would do the same for her.

 

[Cearbhall]

Is your father paying for your university education? I also assume you're going to live at home?

Graduating university without any debt is a huge boon starting your adult life. That's money you can put towards your retirement or for a house down payment.

You should respect his wishes unless you want to move off on your own.

I agree with this. OP, you're 18. Any continued funding is just your dad being a nice guy. If he has certain conditions for that financial support, like no romantic distractions, too bad. It sucks, and it's not what I would tell my kid, but he's not obligated to help you out. It's the same as how you might set conditions when you give someone a loan. I would keep talking to him about it and trying to change his mind if it won't cause a rift between you, but ultimately, he's within his rights.

 

[Ada Lovelace]

That's great. But that's not the situation the OP is in.

Her choices are live in the toxic environment and deal with the consequences, or don't live in the toxic environment and build her own environment by herself. It's a horrible situation, but she can pray on it.


Humblebrag?

I don't know how you're trying to help the OP other than letting her know her situation is not healthy, which she already knows.

We're not fully aware of the situation the OP is in, and whether there are viable options she could consider. Her location is listed as Australia, and I know the way university education and tuition payment plans are structured there differ substantially from the United States. One of my friends in Brisbane who is also 19 and grew up in a toxic environment with an overbearing, unhinged father and a mother who had abandoned the family was able to seize control over her life, after being encouraged to do so. Rather than having to make tuition payments up front, she'll begin making installments once she's graduated and is fully employed in her profession. I believe that's common from what she and other Australian friends have said, though I could be mistaken. She also was able to apply for a youth allowance (that from what I understand is not a loan she'll have to pay back) that enabled her to move out from under her father's thumb. She utilized the job center at the university to help land a position related to her field. Last year she felt despair, and this year she is thriving. She's also in her very first romantic relationship, and he's provided needed emotional support as well as happiness.

There are other people who are in the exact situation that I described in my post, so while I referenced the OP, what I wrote wasn't exclusively for her. Her last log-in was on April 17. My post was actually in response to yours, and it was for anyone else who comes upon this thread. I was addressing the premise that if a parent is financially providing support for their young adult child's university education, they're entitled to exert age-inappropriate control over their personal lifestyle choices, even when they are actually beneficial rather than detrimental.

And no, it honestly wasn't a humblebrag, but a clarification, but you're right that it unfortunately could be misconstrued as one. I'll try to be more mindful. I honestly was wanting to help her, and if she returns to this thread I'd be happy to do what I can, including putting her in touch with my friend in Australia if she wishes. I know my friend could provide more information about resources that could potentially be available to her than I could.

 

[Cimorene]

I agree with this. OP, you're 18. Any continued funding is just your dad being a nice guy.

I disagree! Maybe it's being nice, maybe it's just bc he wants to use $$$$ as a way to keep controlling her.

We're not fully aware of the situation the OP is in, and whether there are viable options she could consider. Her location is listed as Australia, and I know the way university education and tuition payment plans are structured there differ substantially from the United States. One of my friends in Brisbane who is also 19 and grew up in a toxic environment with an overbearing, unhinged father and a mother who had abandoned the family was able to seize control over her life, after being encouraged to do so. Rather than having to make tuition payments up front, she'll begin making installments once she's graduated and is fully employed in her profession. I believe that's common from what she and other Australian friends have said, though I could be mistaken. She also was able to apply for a youth allowance (that from what I understand is not a loan she'll have to pay back) that enabled her to move out from under her father's thumb. She utilized the job center at the university to help land a position related to her field. Last year she felt despair, and this year she is thriving. She's also in her very first romantic relationship, and he's provided needed emotional support as well as happiness.

I hope she can get some help like that youth allowance or something.

 

[The Hammer of Witches]

Hey, so I'm just over a week off being nineteen, and, as the story goes, I have met a guy. He's really sweet and he is a Christian. We actually met through my godparents.

But my dad won't let me date. Not until I have "finished my studies". And whilst I can understand why he says that, it's starting to get ridiculous. Lately he's been saying that there's no reason why I need to get in a relationship before I am thirty!

I want to respect my father in this, but I have always assumed that I would be married with kids by the time I reach thirty.

I have been finished school for about a year and a half, and through a complicated story, I will only be starting university next year, meaning I'll be twenty-three when I finish. Even twenty-three is later than I wanted.

What makes it hard is that each time I reach his age limit, he extends it.

Has anyone been in this situation? How do I handle this? I don't want to ruin the relationship between us, but I don't want to stay single forever.

A friend of mine a few years older than me just got married, and he is still in college right now. Have a talk with your father about priorities. Christ should always be your first priority, make that clear. Make it clear to your father that you will hold your grades and school above your relationship until you get married. That is all I got, maybe he is worried you cannot handle that much responsibility? Maybe you can show him that you can somehow, maybe through hard work. In the case that you actually can't handle that much then maybe you're out of luck, just make sure you always put God first above all else. Pray to God for knowledge on this matter and how to proceed. Good luck!

 

[Cearbhall]

I disagree! Maybe it's being nice, maybe it's just bc he wants to use $$$$ as a way to keep controlling her.

That's true, but IMHO, it's more likely that his rules are a consequence of the fact that he's footing the bill, rather than the cause. I'm also assuming OP will be living in his house (because the rule wouldn't really matter otherwise).

 

[Arian Pentecostal Wannabe]

Hey, so I'm just over a week off being nineteen, and, as the story goes, I have met a guy. He's really sweet and he is a Christian. We actually met through my godparents.

But my dad won't let me date. Not until I have "finished my studies". And whilst I can understand why he says that, it's starting to get ridiculous. Lately he's been saying that there's no reason why I need to get in a relationship before I am thirty!

I want to respect my father in this, but I have always assumed that I would be married with kids by the time I reach thirty.

I have been finished school for about a year and a half, and through a complicated story, I will only be starting university next year, meaning I'll be twenty-three when I finish. Even twenty-three is later than I wanted.

What makes it hard is that each time I reach his age limit, he extends it.

Has anyone been in this situation? How do I handle this? I don't want to ruin the relationship between us, but I don't want to stay single forever.

I don't really have any authority to comment, but your father seems... pretty unreasonable. The heart behind it is good, but from what I've seen, the longer people wait, the harder it gets for them to date. I don't know as it matters for girls so much, but for guys, we tend to end up with really low confidence.

And when in history has it ever been the standard for people to marry after thirty?

It seems to me like you just have to go ahead and start, even if it's casual dating.

 

[OscarMana]

The bottom line is, honor your father. Negotiate, pray, but don't disrespect him.