Im 34, new to church, and never pursued or been attracted to a church girl...until now:

[terrible-chocolate89]

So I will try to keep this brief but will answer any questions that need clarifying

Ive been saved since 2020 or so. i only recently started going to church (God brought me to a nearby church because i have recently been going through things)

I have not dated at all since ive been saved, but in starting going to church, i met a very sweet girl. she works at the church and we've had some brief and pleasant convos about the lord and she was very welcoming and sweet

so every time i go, she always seems to find me (i usually go alone), she remembers my name. on resurrection day, she found me again sitting alone, asked me what book I was reading (it was romans) and was cracking a couple silly jokes

question a) does this read as interest on her part? my father and my friends say its a good possibility but i have no clue if shes just being a sister in christ, or if shes interested. ive never been involved with a girl that was saved, i dont know how they show interest or flirt, etc. i might be reading too many signals but my dad said "well....do you see her approaching anyone else alone and asking what theyre reading?". i am bad at reading interest from women and in the past, in my pre-God life, can really never been able to tell if a girl is interested romantically or as just friends until she really makes it explicit

question b) I want to get to know this girl better. we've only had a few brief exchanges over the passed couple weeks (she works at the church so she only has a brief chat before going back to work). i dont know her personality, sense of humor, her interest or anything, and would be interested in knowing more about her. but again, ive never really associated with a girl that was saved or had any relationship with Christ. i dont know how to approach her in a manner that is appropriate. i am new at the church, i dont want her to think im approaching her for (only) sex or anything (because she doesnt know me either). i want to approach her with intent of getting to know about her for the potential of dating, but i also want to be respectful of her, her relationship to God and my own relationship to God as well. she works at the church, she obviously has a close relationship with the Lord and is devoted, i am interested in her, but i dont want to give the impression that its for sex and/or to drag her away her from God

advice? as i said, i have not really dated since being saved. this is a new kind of girl, i know im overthinking probably, but i dont know how to navigate with a godly woman i guess. do they expect more conservative/aggressive men? being traditional and formal? its all new to me. i of course have leaned on God to guide me and to trust he will give me the correct mindset to put me in the right place (regardless of the girl or whatever). but does anyone have any advice or guidance?

 

[terrible-chocolate89]

if this is not the correct place to post this, please move the thread lol

 

[bèlla]

Welcome to the forum. I hope your time here is edifying.

As for your question it's hard to say. I don't think you should speculate. The best way to know is to invite her for coffee or a bite to eat and tell her you'd like to get better acquainted. Acknowledge her kindness and your appreciation of her friendliness and see what happens.

She could be interested or part of a ministry that welcomes newcomers or blessed with the gift of hospitality or all of the above. Since she works for the church there may be policies about dating members. I've never seen it firsthand but maybe others can chime in.

~bella

 

[terrible-chocolate89]

Welcome to the forum. I hope your time here is edifying.

As for your question it's hard to say. I don't think you should speculate. The best way to know is to invite her for coffee or a bite to eat and tell her you'd like to get better acquainted. Acknowledge her kindness and your appreciation of her friendliness and see what happens.

i have. i really do want to ask her to lunch or something after church, but i think its just....soon? i dont even know if she WANTS me to ask that?

She could be interested or part of a ministry that welcomes newcomers or blessed with the gift of hospitality or all of the above. Since she works for the church there may be policies about dating members. I've never seen it firsthand but maybe others can chime in.

i never see her talking to anyone else like this (i know, sounds silly lol).

im over thinking all this, i know. i just have to walk in there, be confident, and build rapport, but i am very impatient lol

i appreciate your input, sister

 

[bèlla]

I've just had my quiet time and prayed on your behalf. I asked the Lord to give you courage and direct your discourse with her. Perhaps you'd feel less nervous if you prayed instead and shared your heart with Him.

If you're concerned you'll appear too forward start with coffee and center the discussion on Him. Ask how she came to work there, how she likes it and about her walk. You don't need to go out to do that. Sprinkle them in your interactions. Choose a getting to know you question you'll ask each week and something you'll share about yourself. Start small and see where it leads.

~bella

 

[terrible-chocolate89]

I've just had my quiet time and prayed on your behalf. I asked the Lord to give you courage and direct your discourse with her. Perhaps you'd feel less nervous if you prayed instead and shared your heart with Him.

thank you! i actually spent a decent amount of time praying as well on this topic. ive been struggling with MANY things lately, good and bad. since 2024 started, God has definitely been doing SOME KIND of work on me. major major. and ive had a difficult time really leaning on god and fully TRUSTING Him. not as a doubt, but really just...idk reservation about really giving myself to whatever path He has for me (because these changes are scary...im barely recognizing myself anymore, in a good way). and im really "sliding into" letting god just take control.

this girl is kind of special in a certain way. she has a certain poise, confidence, and a love for the Lord ive never seen in a woman before. and im not saying its anything more than infatuation right now, but she definitely has a unique "energy" about her that ive never really seen in a woman before in like..."secular" dating. my attraction to her is not sexual (outside of god's intended design).

but im digressing. i asked god for the same thing you mention. just kind of resigning to His plan, whether it be this girl, different girl, no girl at all....just praying for Him to give me the strength to adhere to His path and plan for me. basically "i trust you, Lord, whatever your plan is....but it would be really cool if this was part of your plan" lol

If you're concerned you'll appear too forward start with coffee and center the discussion on Him. Ask how she came to work there, how she likes it and about her walk. You don't need to go out to do that. Sprinkle them in your interactions. Choose a getting to know you question you'll ask each week and something you'll share about yourself. Start small and see where it leads.

i appreciate your perspectives, thank you.

 

[LoveDivine]

My suggestion would be to approach her next time you are in church and strike up a conversation with her. Maybe share your thoughts on the sermon and make some friendly/ small talk. I think it's also okay to ask her out for coffee. I don't think that is too forward.

 

[terrible-chocolate89]

My suggestion would be to approach her next time you are in church and strike up a conversation with her. Maybe share your thoughts on the sermon and make some friendly/ small talk. I think it's also okay to ask her out for coffee. I don't think that is too forward.

is lunch equal to coffee in terms of "forwardness"? i only ask because i go to the latest service of the day, 11am. i was thinking of just asking her to lunch or something after she finishes up because she works at the church (not sure doing what exactly, ive only seen her handing out communion packets and finding seats for people lol) and it IS lunchtime after service. but a "lunch date" might be less casual

yes, i know im over thinking, this is just very very new territory, a girl that works at church, who is a sister in christ is new. its not like hitting on girls at a bar, i want to treat her with the most respect and impose as little as possible

 

[LoveDivine]

is lunch equal to coffee in terms of "forwardness"? i only ask because i go to the latest service of the day, 11am. i was thinking of just asking her to lunch or something after she finishes up because she works at the church (not sure doing what exactly, ive only seen her handing out communion packets and finding seats for people lol) and it IS lunchtime after service. but a "lunch date" might be less casual

yes, i know im over thinking, this is just very very new territory, a girl that works at church, who is a sister in christ is new. its not like hitting on girls at a bar, i want to treat her with the most respect and impose as little as possible

I think asking her out for lunch could be fine too

 

[ReesePiece23]

Inconclusive at this stage - but time will tell.

Try to avoid getting your body language encyclopedia out and searching up "what does it mean when she does this" or "what does it means when she does that" because you'll just fill your head up with junk and you won't be able to see the clear cut stuff.

Towards the end of church next week, just say "I'm hungry, I think I'm going to try out that new Pho restaurant that's opened up on Honeysuckle Lane, did you want to join? I might have a quick half in the pub after too."

If she says yes, then go from there. If she says no, then say "fair enough" and leave the church looking as if you have somewhere to be.

The proof will be in the pudding. Her saying "yes" or "no" will determine where she's at. My advice is to be completely content with either outcome. It's not worth being happy or disappointed at this stage.

It sounds as if you've done this before, so you know what to do. Just expect things to move a lot slower than you're used to.

 

[venksta]

Do you have have any Christian friends in your life? You mentioned you sit alone at church. Perhaps God has brought you to this woman's attention, to give you a friend, and an example of what a godly woman is like.

 

[AlexB23]

So I will try to keep this brief but will answer any questions that need clarifying

Ive been saved since 2020 or so. i only recently started going to church (God brought me to a nearby church because i have recently been going through things)

I have not dated at all since ive been saved, but in starting going to church, i met a very sweet girl. she works at the church and we've had some brief and pleasant convos about the lord and she was very welcoming and sweet

so every time i go, she always seems to find me (i usually go alone), she remembers my name. on resurrection day, she found me again sitting alone, asked me what book I was reading (it was romans) and was cracking a couple silly jokes

question a) does this read as interest on her part? my father and my friends say its a good possibility but i have no clue if shes just being a sister in christ, or if shes interested. ive never been involved with a girl that was saved, i dont know how they show interest or flirt, etc. i might be reading too many signals but my dad said "well....do you see her approaching anyone else alone and asking what theyre reading?". i am bad at reading interest from women and in the past, in my pre-God life, can really never been able to tell if a girl is interested romantically or as just friends until she really makes it explicit

question b) I want to get to know this girl better. we've only had a few brief exchanges over the passed couple weeks (she works at the church so she only has a brief chat before going back to work). i dont know her personality, sense of humor, her interest or anything, and would be interested in knowing more about her. but again, ive never really associated with a girl that was saved or had any relationship with Christ. i dont know how to approach her in a manner that is appropriate. i am new at the church, i dont want her to think im approaching her for (only) sex or anything (because she doesnt know me either). i want to approach her with intent of getting to know about her for the potential of dating, but i also want to be respectful of her, her relationship to God and my own relationship to God as well. she works at the church, she obviously has a close relationship with the Lord and is devoted, i am interested in her, but i dont want to give the impression that its for sex and/or to drag her away her from God

advice? as i said, i have not really dated since being saved. this is a new kind of girl, i know im overthinking probably, but i dont know how to navigate with a godly woman i guess. do they expect more conservative/aggressive men? being traditional and formal? its all new to me. i of course have leaned on God to guide me and to trust he will give me the correct mindset to put me in the right place (regardless of the girl or whatever). but does anyone have any advice or guidance?

I am single, and have never dated, and do not intend to do so for the next few years, but here is my take on your questions.


My answer has three parts, which are Biblical teachings, sociology, and common sense:

Firstly, from a Biblical perspective, consider Proverbs 18:24 which states, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (ESV). This verse emphasizes the importance of being friendly and approachable to others. Additionally, consider 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which outlines the qualities of love, including patience, kindness, and respect. These attributes can be applied to your interactions with this girl.

From a sociological perspective, people express interest differently based on cultural norms, personality, and individual experiences. In your case, given that you are new to the church and have limited interactions with this girl, it may be challenging to decipher her intentions. However, considering her consistent approach towards you, her welcoming demeanor, and the fact that she seems to remember your interactions, it's reasonable to assume that there might be some level of interest on her part.

Common sense suggests taking things slowly and respectfully, especially given your newness to the church community and her role within it. You can initiate conversations during services or through church activities that allow for deeper connections while avoiding any appearance of impropriety. You might consider asking her about her interests, hobbies, or experiences related to her faith, as these topics can foster meaningful conversations and demonstrate your genuine interest in getting to know her better. Remember that building a strong friendship is essential before pursuing a romantic relationship, and the primary focus should be on growing spiritually and supporting each other in your faith journey.

TLDR: Be friendly and approachable, demonstrate kindness and respect towards her, focus on building a strong friendship, and take things slowly while being mindful of church community norms. Trust in God's guidance and wisdom throughout this process.

 

[terrible-chocolate89]

Try to avoid getting your body language encyclopedia out and searching up "what does it mean when she does this" or "what does it means when she does that" because you'll just fill your head up with junk and you won't be able to see the clear cut stuff.

bro (or sis) i hear this 100%. i REALLY have been going down a terrible rabbit hole of "what does this mean, what does that mean"....its been really obsessive for me, because for whatever reason, i am super attracted and almost magnetized to her :/

today out interaction wasnt great. wasnt bad, but like...she works at the church, shes doing all that and not really able to focus on conversation today, compared to interactions in the past with just the 2 of us where we were really having nice convos

for a lot of time today i was thinking "well, this whole thing is blown, screw it, i give up". and my buddy is like "man, you dont know her, she could be shy too, she could be nervous around you, whatever". on the internet, there are thousands of opinions on body language and "signs" of interest or whatever. thing is, i get hyper focused AND i only see her weekly, sometimes twice if theres an extra prayer night or gathering during the week

thing is man, sometimes, i have really low self esteem and think she'll be bothered by an imposition of a guy like me asking her out....ut other times, i feel like the king of the world and i can do anything...i dont know which of these "me's" to trust lol

Towards the end of church next week, just say "I'm hungry, I think I'm going to try out that new Pho restaurant that's opened up on Honeysuckle Lane, did you want to join? I might have a quick half in the pub after too."

this church has nothing around it besides fast food xD honestly an ideal for me with a girl like this is to just sit and talk about the Word for 6 hours lol

It sounds as if you've done this before, so you know what to do. Just expect things to move a lot slower than you're used to.

no not really. i feel stupid saying this, but theres a weird thing i feel with this girl...im not sure what it is. its not lust, its not love, its just this weird thing...

Do you have have any Christian friends in your life? You mentioned you sit alone at church. Perhaps God has brought you to this woman's attention, to give you a friend, and an example of what a godly woman is like.

i have couple christian friends. its a little depressing, because, as i mentioned God has really been standing behind me and correcting my path in SO MANY ways since January. real tangible stuff...and it gets kind of weird because God is giving me a lot postive gifts and circumstances....and i sometimes wonder if God is gifting me this presense. but maybe im insane lol

 

[terrible-chocolate89]

I am single, and have never dated, and do not intend to do so for the next few years, but here is my take on your questions.


My answer has three parts, which are Biblical teachings, sociology, and common sense:

Firstly, from a Biblical perspective, consider Proverbs 18:24 which states, "A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." (ESV). This verse emphasizes the importance of being friendly and approachable to others. Additionally, consider 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 which outlines the qualities of love, including patience, kindness, and respect. These attributes can be applied to your interactions with this girl.

yes, and this is the crux of the whole thing, really. is this interest (or potential for romantic interest) or is she just being nice

From a sociological perspective, people express interest differently based on cultural norms, personality, and individual experiences. In your case, given that you are new to the church and have limited interactions with this girl, it may be challenging to decipher her intentions.

bingo. i mean...if she is interested, and i am, and i know shes interested, i can play this out respectfully and slow an let things build organically.

but not knowing, its like "does she want a man to be more "aggressive" or pursue". "is she shy?" "am i wasting time by waiting?" my buddy even said "you know man, she could be thinking these exact things about you...she could be thinking about your interactions for her whole day" this literally didnt occur to me at all

However, considering her consistent approach towards you, her welcoming demeanor, and the fact that she seems to remember your interactions, it's reasonable to assume that there might be some level of interest on her part.

well thats encouraging, at least a little

Common sense suggests taking things slowly and respectfully, especially given your newness to the church community and her role within it. You can initiate conversations during services or through church activities that allow for deeper connections while avoiding any appearance of impropriety. You might consider asking her about her interests, hobbies, or experiences related to her faith, as these topics can foster meaningful conversations and demonstrate your genuine interest in getting to know her better. Remember that building a strong friendship is essential before pursuing a romantic relationship, and the primary focus should be on growing spiritually and supporting each other in your faith journey.

i agree. but i also want to make my intent clear. i dont want to be too "soft".

the other thing is, she works at church, shes always busy. i tried to talk to her about how was her easter and all that, but she got interrupted by a friend or whatever. felt super bad because we had so many pleasant interactions, and this was just like "yo, what the heck". i had to rectify this or else i wouldve felt bad the whole day, so i apporached her after service, and was like "hey will you be here on tuesday?" she said yes and i was like "cool, hopefully i'll talk to you then", and left because she was busy...and my friend hits me with "dude, she's going to be looking forward to tuesday"....like man dont feed my delusions lol

TLDR: Be friendly and approachable, demonstrate kindness and respect towards her, focus on building a strong friendship, and take things slowly while being mindful of church community norms. Trust in God's guidance and wisdom throughout this process.

always. that is part of why this is difficult. a girl at a bar who just has a nice body...cool, i can shoot my shot and whatever, dont care. but this...this is different.

 

[AlexB23]

yes, and this is the crux of the whole thing, really. is this interest (or potential for romantic interest) or is she just being nice

bingo. i mean...if she is interested, and i am, and i know shes interested, i can play this out respectfully and slow an let things build organically.

but not knowing, its like "does she want a man to be more "aggressive" or pursue". "is she shy?" "am i wasting time by waiting?" my buddy even said "you know man, she could be thinking these exact things about you...she could be thinking about your interactions for her whole day" this literally didnt occur to me at all

well thats encouraging, at least a little

i agree. but i also want to make my intent clear. i dont want to be too "soft".

the other thing is, she works at church, shes always busy. i tried to talk to her about how was her easter and all that, but she got interrupted by a friend or whatever. felt super bad because we had so many pleasant interactions, and this was just like "yo, what the heck". i had to rectify this or else i wouldve felt bad the whole day, so i apporached her after service, and was like "hey will you be here on tuesday?" she said yes and i was like "cool, hopefully i'll talk to you then", and left because she was busy...and my friend hits me with "dude, she's going to be looking forward to tuesday"....like man dont feed my delusions lol

always. that is part of why this is difficult. a girl at a bar who just has a nice body...cool, i can shoot my shot and whatever, dont care. but this...this is different.

Well, I have not dated yet, so this is where my help ends. Just shoot your shot, ask her out. If she says no, then listen to her, and leave her alone.

 

[LoveDivine]

I wouldn't overthink this. If you really want to get to know her better just ask her out. Since she works at the church and has responsibilities, it will be often that she gets pulled in different directions. At the very least, she might be interested in becoming your friend.

 

[terrible-chocolate89]

Guys, please please pray for me. i went to a night-time prayer service and she was there. we broke off into groups of 5 and she was in my group. this is the first time i really have seen her. sitting next to her, hearing her love for God, hearing her heart, hearing her pray, hearing her compassion toward other's prayers...it has me twisted up now.

i dont think she's attracted to me, perhaps she was just being friendly. but i also have self-esteem issues and feel like even if she was interested, i wouldnt be able to see it. we exchanged glances a lot, but i am so bad at reading people. everyone is saying "ask her for a date" or whatever, but she doesnt seem receptive to it. she isnt mean or anything but...she's there for God, not dates

The real problem is, in this prayer group her love for God has really made me even more infatuated in her. now i really dont know what to do because i feel the attraction is one-sided, and it has gone from a crush to an actual attraction

I dont know what God's plan is in this. As i said in my original post, God has really been putting me in a lot of new situations and rebuilding me in a lot of ways. God has pushed me into new habits, new people, crushing old habits, etc. and i cant help but feel going to this church at this time and exposing this woman to me is also part of that in some way. im not saying anything will happen with this girl, i would lean more toward nothing happening....but then what is God doing? i am terrified at the uncertainty...i dont suppose anything will happen with this girl, it just doesnt look like it....but if it wont, why is God putting me there and doing this in my heart? Please pray for me

 

[bèlla]

You're building her up in your mind to your detriment. You were given advice on how to proceed but your meditations are feeding your dilemma. Infatuation isn't real. It's based on an idea that isn't real that gets bigger the more it's fed.

You have a woman in the church you're attracted to. You don't know her and need to build an acquaintance. By doing so you'll determine if she shares your interest. Subjecting yourself to these thoughts is unprofitable. You're nurturing fears and what if's unnecessarily. Get out of your head and back to reality. Stop dwelling on her.

~bella

 

[terrible-chocolate89]

You're building her up in your mind to your detriment. You were given advice on how to proceed but your meditations are feeding your dilemma. Infatuation isn't real. It's based on an idea that isn't real that gets bigger the more it's fed.

You have a woman in the church you're attracted to. You don't know her and need to build an acquaintance. By doing so you'll determine if she shares your interest. Subjecting yourself to these thoughts is unprofitable. You're nurturing fears and what if's unnecessarily. Get out of your head and back to reality. Stop dwelling on her.

~bella

But this is the issue and the question I ask God...why is he putting me on paths of attractions that go nowhere or are fruitless? This is why I'm asking for prayers. I want this to stop happening

It's not necessarily about this girl specifically, it's just always this.

It has happened to various degrees all my life. I get attracted to someone, it's one sided and goes nowhere, and I hurt. And I cannot comprehend why this keeps being my path. It is so tiresome. The hurt isn't heartbreak, it's that I keep being in a path where God puts me in a situation where I can see something improvement and it turns out to not be

If I'm not meant to have a companion, I wish God would stop putting me in situations and with people that I end up being attracted to. I understand it's up to God, lean not on my own understanding. But it just leads to discomfort and pain all the time, how is this good for me? I'm not christ, my pain isn't going to cleanse sin or redeem anything. It's just more adversity I can never escape because God keeps putting me there

All the same, I appreciate you sister

 

[bèlla]

But this is the issue and the question I ask God...why is he putting me on paths of attractions that go nowhere or are fruitless? This is why I'm asking for prayers. I want this to stop happening

Are you certain the Lord is behind it? You have free will. If you've developed an attraction is He to blame? You went there to worship and in the course of doing so you saw someone you liked. And liking her is a choice.

It has happened to various degrees all my life. I get attracted to someone, it's one sided and goes nowhere, and I hurt. And I cannot comprehend why this keeps being my path. It is so tiresome. The hurt isn't heartbreak, it's that I keep being in a path where God puts me in a situation where I can see something improvement and it turns out to not be

From what you've posted thus far you seem to get carried away and spend too much time in your head. Overthinking is your nemesis. If you're consistently developing one-sided attractions that might suggest you're unable to recognize interest or oblivious to reciprocity until you're too invested.

If I'm not meant to have a companion, I wish God would stop putting me in situations and with people that I end up being attracted to. I understand it's up to God, lean not on my own understanding. But it just leads to discomfort and pain all the time, how is this good for me? I'm not christ, my pain isn't going to cleanse sin or redeem anything. It's just more adversity I can never escape because God keeps putting me there

Why are you blaming God for your choices? Why are you blaming him for your emotional attachments? It's evident your desire for a companion is influencing your behavior but you can't be ruled by your thoughts or feelings. They must be harnessed.

In light of what you've shared you'd be better off holding yourself in check until an acquaintance is in place and you're able to gauge their interest through your interactions. If you don't excel at reading the opposite sex stop expecting yourself to do things you struggle with.

Slow down and take a deep breath. It isn't the end if the world and you don't know where things are heading. If you approach your connections in this state you'll be upset. It doesn't have to work. You're not desperate and she isn't the only one in the Kingdom to choose from.

Stop living with a scarcity mindset and make peace with your desire for marriage. The right girl is more important than a crush. Don't lose your head. Make a list of the qualities you desire in a future spouse and ask for them in prayer. Then let it go.

The blessing of the LORD brings [true] riches, And He adds no sorrow to it [for it comes as a blessing from God].

~bella